Forgetting You

by Casey, L. A.

  I pushed away from Elliot and placed my hands on the back of my head.

  “This can’t be real.”

  “It is real,” Elliot said. “We’re livin’ in a nightmare, Noah. All of us.”

  I looked back to the pile of dirt and my heart pinched.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry, Bailey. Please, please forgive me.”

  I turned from her grave and looked for my crutches. I stumbled over to them and picked them up. Mrs McKenna approached me, holding out a phone in her hand. My phone, the one I’d dropped. I took it from her and placed it in my bag blindly.

  “I’m so sorry.”

  “Stop.” She shook her head, her eyes red-rimmed and swollen. “Sweetie, we could easily be standing here next to you and Bailey both being under this ground. None of this is your fault . . . don’t apologise for livin’.”

  I wasn’t apologising for surviving; I was apologising that I somehow caused Bailey’s death. I didn’t care what Elliot said, I could feel it deep inside my chest that this was down to me. I just didn’t know why or how, but I planned to find out.

  “I need to go,” I said, leaning on my crutches. “I need to find out what happened. I need to speak to Anderson.”

  Elliot was in front of me in seconds.

  “Don’t go to him,” he said, trembling. “Noah, don’t.”

  “Maybe he knows why I was with Bailey that night.” I wiped my face. “I lived with him. Maybe he knows why I was with her when I’d ignored her for so many years.”

  “He doesn’t know anythin’ though! The police already questioned him about that night, but he said he didn’t even know that ye left your flat.”

  Elliot was breathing heavily.

  “I have to find out for myself,” I said, peering up at him, hoping he understood. “I have to hear it from him, Elliot. This guilt will eat me alive unless I know what happened.”

  “What if he doesn’t know?” he demanded roughly. “What if he doesn’t and ye never know?”

  The thought of it made my knees week.

  “Don’t say that.” I was shaking. “How can I go on knowing she died because of me?”

  “You didn’t cause this!” he shouted. “There was a blackout, she was driving fast and there was black ice—”

  “I heard the voicemail,” I interrupted. “Something scared us both. She was driving fast for a reason. If Anderson has an idea, it’ll help.”

  “Help how?” He blinked. “Bailey is dead. Nothin’ can bring her back.”

  I gripped the handles of my crutches.

  “It’ll help me,” I said, my tone hushed. “Elliot, if I don’t find out something, I’ll die inside. I love that girl with my whole heart . . . I’ll be broken if I never know, so please don’t stop me.”

  “I’m askin’ ye not to go to that man, Noah. You’re mine.”

  I couldn’t believe he wanted me still; the possibility that I caused his sister’s death had to be lingering in his subconscious somewhere. How could he still want me? Still love me?

  “I’m not going to Anderson because I want him.” I searched his eyes. “You know I’m yours. You know I am, paddy. I’ll always be yours, as long as you’ll have me.”

  The muscles in Elliot’s jaw tightened. He was struggling with what I wanted to do.

  “Look at me,” I said softly. “Please.”

  His eyes moved to mine and I saw fear in them, and my heart thumped with pain. He thought he was going to lose me to Anderson again. I didn’t need him to confirm it, it was as plain as day in his ocean blues.

  “I love you,” I told him. “I love you so much that it scares me, Elliot.”

  He lowered his head to mine as I heard the soft cries of his mother off to our left.

  “What if he knows something that he doesn’t think is important, or something he doesn’t even realise is important?” I quizzed. “You might be right, he might know nothing . . . but if he can tell me something, anything, that will help me figure out why I was with her, then it’ll be worth visiting him.”

  “I want to take ye home and keep you with me.” Elliot closed his eyes. “But I know this is somethin’ ye have to do . . . even if I don’t understand it, or agree with it.”

  “Thank you, honey.” I leaned up and gently brushed his lips with mine. “Thank you for trusting me.”

  “I’ll always trust you.”

  It was Anderson he didn’t trust, but Elliot didn’t have to worry about me losing my heart to him – because Elliot owned my heart, and he always would.

  “You’ll get in trouble over me.” I glanced down at his uniform. “You didn’t have extended leave because of a back injury, did you?”

  “No,” he said, frowning. “Compassionate leave for Bailey’s death. I was on scene when she died, so missing a few weeks of work is standard. I’ve been meetin’ with a counsellor as ye recovered over the last few weeks in hospital. It was one of the requirements before I could be approved to go back to work.”

  “Really?” I blinked. “You obviously got the approval . . .”

  Elliot nodded. “I’m fit for work. I’m just in a boat that’s shared by a lot of other people who’ve lost someone they love. I found a new way to cope.”

  “How?” I asked, suddenly desperate to know. “How d’you cope?”

  He brushed stray hair out of my face. “By takin’ things one day at a time.”

  I let his words sink in. Taking things day by day had been our method since I got hurt . . . maybe when Elliot had said he was taking things day by day, he’d been talking about way more than just my recovery – and I was glad of that.

  “I feel like I’ll never get to a place where I want to take it day by day,” I admitted, tears still lingering on my cheeks. “I feel like I can’t breathe with the pain in my chest. I miss her so much, Elliot. Even more now because I know I’ll never see her again, never talk to her again. We’ll never get to call her ‘baby’ and listen to her give out to us.”

  Elliot wrapped his arms around me and held me as I softly cried against his chest. This hurt. This hurt so much more than any physical pain ever had, because there was nothing – no medicine – that anyone could give me to make it better. The ache in my head was nothing compared to the hollow feeling in my chest.

  “Are you in pain?”

  “Yeah,” I answered. “But not the way you think. My head is fine.”

  It wasn’t fine; it just didn’t hurt nearly as much as my chest did.

  “I’m sorry, sweetheart.”

  “I’m sorry.” I brushed his hair away from his face. “You lost your baby sister.”

  “We both lost her,” he replied. “Ye loved her like a sister.”

  I did, I truly did. That girl had meant the world to me.

  “Will you drive me to Anderson’s place?” I tentatively asked. “I don’t want to go alone, not with what I just found out.”

  “I was takin’ ye whether ye liked it or not,” Elliot replied. “And I’m waitin’ for ye there.”

  I didn’t argue with him, because that was what I wanted too.

  “Good.”

  Elliot stepped back from me, and the second he did, his mother took his place and gathered me up in her arms. She squeezed me so tightly it made me gasp, but I returned her hug and held back more tears. She had lost her daughter – her pain trumped mine and I didn’t pretend otherwise. I couldn’t imagine how much she and Mr McKenna were hurting. Their baby girl was down in a hole, covered in dirt, and the only thing they had of her now was memories.

  “I love ye, Noah,” she said into my hair. “I love ye so much, honey. I always have.”

  “I love you too, Ma,” I whispered, using the term she’d always asked me to call her. “I swear I do.”

  When we separated, Mr McKenna stepped forward and gave me a tight hug too. He kissed the top of my head and patted my back. He was massive, just like Elliot. He was a warm man and I loved him dearly. He and his wife had always been somewhat of
a dream to me. To love the parents of my partner so much and to have them love me in return was special.

  We all turned towards Bailey’s grave and I suddenly grabbed Elliot’s hand, needing to feel his touch and closeness. Just looking at the mound of dirt made me feel like I was being crushed on the inside. Elliot squeezed my hand as he moved behind me, wrapping his arms around my body.

  “I’d give anything just to hear her have a go at you, Elliot,” I said, my lower lip wobbling. “She could always give as could as she got. I swear she defined the term ‘firecracker’.”

  Elliot and his parents chuckled.

  We stood in silence for a while, just being in the moment and thinking of Bailey. I was very aware that I was in a different stage of grieving compared to them – this was so fresh for me. I was still having trouble believing it was real and not some sick and twisted joke that the fates were playing on me. I looked from Bailey’s grave to Mr and Mrs McKenna. For a moment I stared at them, then I realised they were holding on to each other intimately.

  “They never got divorced,” Elliot whispered in my ear, startling me. “They planned to and were separated for years, but at the start of this year, they got close again. Da asked Ma on a date, and they’ve been together ever since.”

  Wide-eyed, I looked at Elliot.

  “I know.” He smiled. “They caught us off guard again.”

  “They’re still married.” I blinked. “Wow.”

  “I told you I didn’t want to get married because what happened to them scared me, but I’m not scared any more, Noah. Even if they did get divorced, I wouldn’t be scared. I was comparing our love to theirs when I shouldn’t have, because our love is ours and no one else’s can ever touch it.”

  I swallowed and didn’t reply as his words sank in.

  “I want it all with you,” he murmured. “I’ve lived without ye, sasanach, and they were the bleakest years of me life. You’re my happiness.”

  My heart pounded, but I couldn’t think too much about what he’d just told me. I had too much to think about as it was.

  “We’ll talk about everything, just me and you later, but right now . . . will you bring me to him?”

  “Yes,” he replied gruffly. “I will.”

  We said goodbye to his parents, and Elliot let me have a moment where I simply bathed in Bailey’s presence.

  “I’ll find out what happened,” I whispered to her. “I promise, Bails.”

  I hoped it wouldn’t become a promise I had to break, for everyone’s sakes.

  I righted my crutches and Elliot and I walked away, leaving Mr and Mrs McKenna to spend time with their daughter in private. Elliot hovered close to me – I could feel his eyes on me and I knew he knew that I was physically hurting, but because I didn’t mention it, neither did he. We came to the end of the pathway that led to the car park and I blinked when I saw Elliot’s car parked up on the kerb at an odd angle. I looked at him.

  “I was in a hurry to get to you,” he explained with a shrug. “I didn’t have time to park properly.”

  There was a warden or security guard of some kind who Elliot spoke to and he explained our situation. I got into the front of the car with a murmur of apology, and not a few minutes later he joined me.

  “Are you in trouble?”

  “No.” He shook his head. “He saw you when ye arrived; he saw your face and knew somethin’ was wrong. I didn’t tell him everythin’, just that ye learned of me sister’s passin’ and were distraught.”

  “Well, you didn’t lie.”

  “No,” Elliot answered solemnly. “I didn’t.”

  We drove out of the cemetery, and before I could blink we were on the road. It was a few minutes before I realised that I’d never told Elliot Anderson’s address. I glanced at him.

  “You know where he lives, don’t you?”

  “Ye lived with him, Noah,” came the response. “Of course I know.”

  A feeling of warmth filled me.

  “I love you,” I told him. “I was with another man and you still looked out for me, didn’t you?”

  “I tried,” he admitted. “There was little I could do. I barely caught a glimpse of you . . . but a few times I drove by and parked out front just so I could be close to ye.”

  “Elliot,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Don’t be,” he replied, glancing at me. “You’re mine again.”

  “I am,” I said. “I am yours.”

  We pulled into the car park of a block of flats, and came to a stop. I breathed deeply as I gathered my crutches, grabbed my bag and climbed out. Elliot got out too and came around to my side, and before I could say a word he lowered his head and captured my lips in a kiss that both surprised and relaxed me. I returned the kiss until we both pulled apart, breathless.

  “I’ll wait down here,” he said, shifting his stance. “Take as long as you need, but when I text ye, reply so I know you’re okay. Understand?”

  I nodded. “I love you.”

  “I love ye too, sasanach,” he said, running his finger down my cheek. “So much.”

  “I don’t even know if he’s here,” I said with an exhale. “He could be at work . . . I don’t even know what he does.”

  “He’s a graphic designer, he works from home. He’ll likely be here.”

  “Oh, okay. I’ll be back soon.”

  I gripped the handles of my crutches, and walked across the car park, up the steps and into the building without pausing or looking back. I remembered the flat number Anderson had told me, and the floor. I entered the elevator, and hit the button for the fourth floor. When the doors opened, I made my way down the hallway, counting the numbers on the doors as I passed them. When I came to 406, I came to a stop.

  I put my phone on silent just in case the noise of it interrupted an important conversation. I sent Elliot a text that I was okay and would speak to him soon, then I put my phone into the pocket of my dress, lifted my hand and knocked on the door. There was a period of thirty seconds or so where I felt like I couldn’t breathe, then the door opened and I inhaled.

  “Noah.”

  “Anderson,” I said, swallowing. “Hi.”

  He tilted his head to the side and watched me with his dark eyes. I wondered what was going through his head at my unannounced arrival.

  “Bailey is dead.”

  Anderson blinked, then stepped aside without a word and waited as I silently passed by him and entered his home. There was a short white hallway that I walked down, and at the end was a kitchen that was paired with a large, open sitting room. There was another hallway to the right of the room that I assumed to be where the bedroom and bathroom were. I had no way of being sure, because I had no memory of the place.

  “Do you recognise anything, baby?”

  I looked around the strange place once again and then shook my head.

  “Nothing,” I answered. “I can’t remember anything.”

  “That’s okay,” Anderson said from behind me. “You don’t need to remember it.”

  I couldn’t help but tense when his hands touched my waist, simply because he wasn’t my partner.

  “You’ve lost a lot of weight,” he said, leaving his hands in place. “Are you sick?”

  “No.” I cleared my throat. “I’m just eating the diet I normally did – the one I remember, at least.”

  “You don’t need to lose weight,” he said, his face moving to the back of my neck as he inhaled my scent. “You were too skinny when we met.”

  “I didn’t think so. I was just slim.”

  Anderson hummed but didn’t reply. Then, “Sit,” he said, “I want to talk.”

  Good, because I did too.

  I crossed the space and sat down on the sofa, not being able to help the sigh of relief that left me. I was exhausted, both mentally and physically. My leg hurt like hell.

  “Can I put my leg up on your coffee table?” I asked. “It’s throbbing.”

  “Of course.” Anderson pushed it
closer to me, and helped me lifted my leg up.

  “Thank you.”

  “Want a cuppa?” he asked with a wink. “Two sugars?”

  I found myself smiling as I nodded. “Yes, please.”

  He entered the kitchen and put the kettle on while I looked around the room. I gasped when I spotted pictures of myself decorating the wall. I was smiling in every single one, but I didn’t look happy. I knew what I looked like when I forced a smile, and that was exactly the expression on my face in each picture. My stomach clenched. If I wasn’t happy in these pictures . . . maybe I hadn’t been happy with Anderson like I thought I was.

  I was planning on divorcing him, but the knowledge that I may have been unhappy in my marriage to him shocked me. For some reason, I’d believed if I got my memories back that I would find myself in love with Anderson, and that had scared me because of how much I loved Elliot. But as I looked at my smile, at my eyes, in the pictures around me, I was starting to believe that may not have been the case.

  I looked at Anderson as he walked towards me with two steaming cups in his hands. He placed one in front of me on a coaster, then sat across from me and sipped from his. He watched me the entire time, and it was a little unnerving. I picked up my cup and thanked him. I blew on the steaming liquid, then took a gulp. I smacked my lips together, tasting the sweetness of the sugar and the slight bitterness of something else. It wasn’t bad, just a faint taste. I drank some more, then placed it on the coaster next to my leg.

  “You look like your health has improved.”

  “It has,” I said with a nod. “My leg is the only thing giving me a spot of trouble right now, but it’s healing, and that’s the important thing.”

  Anderson took another sip of his tea.

  “I rang the hospital this morning,” he said casually. “They told me you were discharged a couple of days ago.”

  “Yeah.” I licked my lips. “It’s been kind of hectic, I’ve been settling back into . . . life.”

  “Are you here because you’re ready to come home?”

  Christ. My heart hammered against my chest as I tried to figure out how I was going to end my marriage to him.

  “Anderson,” I began, shifting in my seat. “We have a lot to talk about, but first I want to talk about Bailey. She’s gone.”