Meant to Be

by Terry O'Reilly

  Perhaps Matthew could discuss this with Father Leo. But again, as with Carl, the good priest’s perspective would be biased. The church had been Father Leo’s life. Would he be able to be objective and see the dualities that were now pulling Matthew in opposite directions? Matthew sighed again. No, he didn’t think either Father Leo or Carl could help him sort this out. So here he was, stuck in the middle, not wanting to turn his back on the church, but not able to get Howie and what might have been out of his mind.

  * * * *

  The next morning Matthew trudged across campus to a meeting with Father Leo to discuss his progress on his thesis. Rain the night before combined with the falling temperatures to produce a thick fog, the perfect metaphor for how Matthew felt about his life. Discussing the lives and persecutions of gay saints who lived centuries ago didn’t seem all that interesting or important at the moment.

  Matthew arrived at the good priest’s office door. He knocked. Father Leo opened the door, and his face broke into a broad smile.

  “Matthew! Good to see you. Come in, come in.”

  “It’s good to see you, too, Father,” Matthew said, as he entered the room and took a seat on the couch as the priest indicated he should.

  Father Leo sat next to him. “Well, my boy, how are things going for you?”

  Matthew opened his folder of notes on his thesis and began to explain what his research had revealed.

  Father Leo reached out and closed the folder. “We can get to that in a bit. I meant how are things going for you?”

  “Oh, fine, alright I guess.”

  Father Leo cocked his head and raised one eyebrow. “I’ve been in this business a long time. I can tell when something is weighing heavily on a person. You certainly seem to have something on your mind that you’re struggling with. Am I right?”

  Matthew sighed and nodded.

  “Tell me about it. Maybe I can help.”

  “With all due respect, Father, I don’t think so. It’s about…”

  Matthew faltered.

  “About?” the priest prompted with a smile and laid his hand on Matthew’s leg reassuringly.

  Suddenly, as if a dam burst, it all came spilling out: his love for Howie, his dilemma over choosing Howie or the priesthood, his guilt over choosing either one over the other. When he finished, he looked at Father Leo and said, “But you’re a priest. I know what you’re going to say.”

  “Oh you do, do you?” Father Leo said, smiling at Matthew kindly.

  Father Leo stood up. He took his wallet out of his pocket, and pulled out a folded piece of paper. He handed it to Matthew. Matthew looked at it then up at Father Leo.

  “Open it,” Father Leo said.

  Matthew unfolded the paper. It was an old photograph, faded with age, of two young men. They stood arms around each other, cheeks pressed together, smiling for the camera. Matthew looked at Father Leo, who’d seated himself next to Matthew again. He took the paper from Matthew, looked at it, and smiled wistfully.

  “We were young, in seminary, and—in love.”

  Matthew looked from the old priest’s face to the photograph and back again.

  Father Leo was still looking at the picture. “We struggled, prayed, and in the end I was ordained, and he—well I recently heard he’s been married to a fine man who has been his partner for many years.”

  Matthew didn’t know what to say.

  Father Leo folded the photograph again. “Do I regret my decision? I think that is the question you have in your mind,” Father Leo said, looking at Matthew and reading the expression on his face. Father Leo held up the folded photograph, looked at it for a moment, and then replaced it in his wallet. Then he put the wallet back into his pocket. “I’ll let you decide that for yourself.”

  The two men sat for some time in silence. Eventually Father Leo got to his feet. Matthew rose as well.

  The old priest embraced Matthew. “I think we can discuss your thesis another day. You’ve got enough on your mind for now.”

  Matthew nodded and turned to leave.

  “One more thing,” Father Leo said. Matthew turned back to look at the old priest, who was smiling mischievously. “I hear the Episcopal Church is a lot more progressive at present than we are.” He laughed. “Would that it would have been so years ago in my day of decision.”

  Matthew was shocked at Father Leo’s statement at first. Then he smiled and said, “I’ll remember that. Thank you.”

  Matthew left the office. He walked out of the building into bright sunlight. The fog had lifted.

  Chapter 14

  “You haven’t been in for a while, Mr. Bosley. I thought maybe you’d found another gym,” Chris, the young counter attendant said as Howie checked out his locker key.

  “No, no new gym, just been—busy.” Howie started to say he hadn’t been motivated, but decided he wasn’t going to burden the young man with his sad tale. “I see you got the computers up and running.”

  “Yeah, finally,” Chris replied.

  “Almost the end of the summer. You excited about attending State in the fall?”

  “I sure am,” Chris responded enthusiastically.

  “Well, good luck. I hope you have as good a time in college as I did.”

  Howie turned to leave, hesitated, and then went on his way. He’d been tempted to ask Chris if Matthew had been in. Then he thought, No. I have to stop thinking about him. I’ll never be able to move on if I constantly keep reminding myself of him.

  Howie entered the locker room and made his way to the rows of lockers. He checked the locker number on the key he’d checked out: 1026. He stopped dead in his tracks. 1026 was the locker Matthew had been using the first night they’d met. Howie sat on the bench in front of the locker and sighed deeply. Would he ever be able to put Matthew behind him? The other day at the shelter he’d walked Amos and Andi, and memories of the fateful talk the men had had about needing a bigger place had come to mind. And just this morning Howie had come across a toothbrush Matthew had borrowed one of the nights he’d stayed over. Now this key. Howie shook his head.

  After changing into his workout clothes and going into the gym, he followed his normal routine: warm-up stretches, free weights, and finally the circuit machines, ending with the bench press.

  Howie lay on his back, eyes closed, counting his reps. He recalled the night he’d been on the bench and opened his eyes to find Matthew standing over him. That had been the start of it all.

  He finished his last repetition. He didn’t open his eyes. For a brief second, he hoped that when he did, Matthew would be standing there just as he had been that night. However, when Howie finally opened his eyes, there was no one there.

  Howie sat up, picked up his workout towel, and wiped his face. He sat for a while, his elbows on his knees. He vowed once more to keep thoughts of Matthew at bay. Howie got up, went to the lockers, showered, and drove home.

  As he went by the coffee shop, once more memories of the times they had spent there invaded his mind. When he reached his floor and the elevator doors opened, he envisioned the night he’d come home, his arms full of groceries, and found Matthew dozing on the floor outside his door. Howie sighed and chastised himself for not guarding his mind. What good did it do for him to go on thinking about Matthew coming back into his life? The man was in seminary, on his way to being ordained. And, judging from Matthew’s age that probably was just about to happen. What future did they have?

  He put the key in the lock of his apartment door. He heard a strange snuffling noise. Puzzled, he pulled back and checked the number on the door. He was at the right apartment. He reinserted his key and slowly opened the door. There, standing before him, were Amos and Andi, their tails wagging furiously. As Howie entered the hallway of the apartment, Amos jumped up and put his paws on Howie’s shoulders and licked his face. Howie ruffed Amos’ ears and looked over the big dog’s head to see Matthew standing at the end of the hallway, smiling broadly.

  “Yep,” Matthew said.
“We definitely are gonna need a bigger place. I don’t think Sergei and Katya are going to be too happy about sharing this space.”

  With a mixture of joy, confusion, and anger, Howie let Amos drop to the floor and replied, “Do you mind telling me what the hell’s going on? Is this your idea of some kind of joke? How did you get in here anyway?”

  Matthew’s face became more sober. “I know you must be pretty mad at me for just disappearing like that, but—”

  “Ya think?”

  “But I can explain.”

  Howie walked past the two dogs and followed Matthew as the man turned and walked into the living room. Amos and Andi happily took up the rear of the procession. Matthew sat on the sofa and indicated that Howie should sit beside him. Amos jumped up beside Matthew, Andi next to Howie. Despite his confusion, the symbolic nature of the tableau was not lost on Howie.

  “I’ll start by saying I’m sorry,” Matthew said.

  “As good a place as any,” Howie returned.

  “No, really, I am. You see…when we met…I was on my way to becoming a priest.”

  “I know.”

  “You…you know?” Matthew looked surprised. “How could you know that?”

  Howie explained how Ernie had met Matthew after his class in liturgical music with Todd, Ernie’s boyfriend.

  Matthew ran his hand through his hair. “Wow, that six degrees of separation thing must really be right.”

  Howie looked at Matthew expectantly.

  “Anyway, I was on my way to studying for the priesthood but I hadn’t actually entered the seminary. Something always seemed to hold me back from taking that final step. Now I see that that something turned out to be you.”

  Howie smiled wryly. “That’s all very poetic and romance novelish, but why didn’t you tell me?”

  “To begin with, I was avoiding any kind of involvement. It was never my intention to meet anyone. Being a priest was my lifelong dream. I wasn’t going to let relationships come in between me and that goal. But when I met you, the things I felt really confused me.

  “When I did have the chance to tell you, I’d gotten to the point of knowing that if you knew I was struggling with that decision, you wouldn’t have wanted to continue to see me. I knew you were looking for something more stable and permanent. But I didn’t want to lose you.”

  “Well, you really didn’t know me as well as you thought. If you did, you’d have known I’d have given you time to work it out. I’m not that shallow that I would have dumped you. Not when I’d fallen in love with you,” Howie said.

  Matthew didn’t know what to say.

  “So, why did you finally decide that just dropping out of my life without a word was the better option?” Howie went on.

  Matthew cringed. He absently reached out and stroked Amos’ big head.

  Howie’s heart melted. “I’m sorry. That was uncalled for.” He reached out and laid a hand on Matthew’s thigh.

  “No, I deserve it,” Matthew said, looking up and meeting Howie’s eyes. “I panicked. The last time we were together we made love—really made love—for the first time.”

  “I remember,” Howie said, a faint smile crossing his face.

  Matthew returned the smile. “It was wonderful. More wonderful than I ever dreamed it would be. But I’d crossed a line. I’d wanted to wait for that moment to happen until I was sure. Doing what we did should be reserved for two people in love and committed to one another. I knew that’s what our lovemaking had meant to you. I wanted it to mean the same for me, but I was still torn. So I ran.”

  “What changed your mind? I sure hope your being here means you have.” Howie smiled tentatively.

  “Love,” Matthew said simply. “I couldn’t stop thinking of you, dreaming of you, worrying about you. I realized that I loved you more than I did the church. I also realized that what we’d done that night truly was an act of love and commitment. But I felt I’d done so much damage to our relationship that I couldn’t repair it.

  “Then someone very wise made me realize that some things in life are worth not giving up on—worth trying again to make right.

  “So, Howard Bosley, if you could find it in your heart to forgive me, these two orphans and I are in need of a home.”

  Howie laughed and shook his head. “Of course I forgive you. What kind of a dog lover would I be to throw mutts like you three out on the street?” He put an arm around Andi and kissed her nose.

  Matthew then put his arms around Howie and pulled him close. “I love you, Howie,” he said, and kissed him.

  Chapter 15

  “Pretty nice place you guys got here,” Kelly said to Matthew as Matthew stood at the grill, flipping burgers on the patio of his and Howie’s new condo.

  “Maybe you and me could find a place like this, ya think?” Jerome asked Kelly as he walked up and snuggled into the bigger man’s arms.

  Kelly rolled his eyes. “You only moved into my place last week, and already you’re askin’ for more. Sure, we can talk about it. But one thing at a time. I gotta adjust. All this domestic shit is too new to me.”

  “What’s too new to you?” Ernie asked when he and Todd walked up and joined the conversation.

  “This,” Jerome said, demonstrating by planting a big kiss on Kelly.

  Kelly shook his head, reached down, squeezed Jerome’s ass, and returned the kiss.

  Just then Howie came out through the sliding glass patio door, followed by Amos and Andi. Howie was carrying a tray of side dishes in one hand and a box of assorted condiments in the other.

  “No, you guys stay in,” Howie said to Sergei and Katya, who appeared to be trying to follow the dogs out the door. He struggled to keep the felines from escaping with his foot. “You’re not used to being outside. You’ll get lost again, and we’ll be up all night looking for you.”

  “Here, let me help you with that, Howie,” Todd said. He walked over to Howie and took the tray. Howie managed to close the door on the two cats and keep them from escaping. They looked none too pleased at being left out of the party.

  “How are the burgers doing?” Howie asked Matthew, giving him a peck on the cheek as he walked past the grill.

  “Nearly done,” Matthew replied with a smile, shifting some of the burgers from the grill to a large platter.

  Ernie took the platter and carried it to the table. The men gathered around and sat down. Matthew joined them with the last of the burgers.

  “Maybe we should have Father Timmons say the blessing,” Todd said with a wink.

  Matthew laughed. “It’s not Father Timmons—yet. There’s lots to work out before that happens. I haven’t even been formally accepted at the Episcopal seminary.”

  “Well, I hope that don’t take too long,” Jerome piped up. “We want you to officiate at our wedding.”

  “Jeez, kid. Give it a rest. One thing at a time,” Kelly said, but he was smiling.

  They all laughed.

  “Go ahead, Matthew,” Howie urged. “Say grace. “ They all bowed their heads.

  “Bless us, Oh Lord, and these thy gifts…” Matthew began as the men joined hands. Amos and Andi lay down, curled up at Matthew and Howie’s feet, while Sergei and Katya peered at them through the patio door. Howie looked around at the scene before him and smiled. There they were, The Three Bs—times two: Kelly and Jerome, Ernie and Todd, and Howie and Matthew.

  “Amen,” Matthew said, concluding the grace.

  “Amen,” everyone chimed in.

  Howie turned his smile toward Matthew and squeezed his hand. Matthew returned both the squeeze and the smile. What’s supposed to happen, does, Howie thought as a deep sense of joy spread through him. I guess this was meant to be all along,

  THE END

  ABOUT TERRY O’REILLY

  Terry O’Reilly is a retired school teacher living a quiet life in the Midwest with his three dogs and his horse. He began writing several years ago at the urging of a friend and fellow author. Writing has become an important pa
rt of his life, allowing him to explore his thoughts, needs, and feelings as well as learn about other cultures and eras as he researches his stories. His books were formerly published with Aspen Mountain Press, eXcessica, and Amber Allure.

  Visit him online at terry-oreilly.com.

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