Her First, His Last

by J. M. Worthington

  "I love you, too," I whispered but just loud enough for him to hear me.

  He nodded, understanding I could easily see the love he had for me. My eyes wandered back to Coraline and Granny, who were sitting beside each other on the sofa. My jaw quivered as I held back more tears. I felt the hurt and betrayal in the deepest pit of my stomach and couldn't stay silent any longer. "Granny, you saw me breaking every day. How could you play God and make me believe Myles didn't care?"

  "Mom?" Myles added.

  Coraline's gaze swung in my direction. Yet, she still couldn't look straight into my eyes. "I love you both. I stood by and watched both of you falling apart. Myles was trying to get better, but all he could think about was you. Emma, you weren't eating and had stopped living. I missed your smile. I—" Coraline paused and motioned between herself and Granny, "we just wanted our kids back. Maybe, if you could both move on, you could be happy again. We did what we thought was best."

  Myles bounced to his feet. He was in his mother's face, screaming, "How dare you? She is all that ever mattered to me."

  The tears of Granny, the pleading eyes of Coraline, should have caught a glimpse of my attention, but it was his words. Was it true that I was all that mattered to him? His music mattered. Could I even begin to believe I ranked higher?

  "Coraline showed me all the letters you had written to Emma. Myles, she had cried more from losing you than she did when her mother died. And Emma, Myles needed to focus on getting clean, but all he worried about was you. Coraline and I were just wanting to heal you both. I realize we made a mistake, but we were scared we would lose both of you if we said anything."

  Coraline held her head in her hands and shook it.

  "This is why you called and wanted a house suddenly after turning me down before. You didn't want to take the chance I would run into Emma." He shoved his hands through his hair. "Why you tried talking me out of the concert tonight. Damn, you must really hate me because nothing dad ever did to me hurt this much."

  "Myles, we made mistakes, but she is still your mother, and I'm all Emma has."

  "She has me. She has always had me," Myles said through gritted teeth.

  "Remember, you are the one who ran her off with your own mistakes. We just wanted to see you both heal and move on with your lives," Granny added.

  In my peripheral vision, Coraline reached out to touch her son's arm. Myles flinched but didn't go as far as to remove her hand. "Sorry, baby."

  "You should be," Myles roared.

  "It's my job to protect you."

  "Well, you royally effed that up, didn't you?" He flicked his fingers by his face and made a sound like a bomb exploding. "I don't need protecting. I need my girl." He let out a bitter laugh, then fell back on the couch and instantly grabbed my hand.

  All the pieces to the last few years were finally put together. Myles had wanted me back the whole time. We both were running from the pain when we should have been running toward each other. It will take time for me ever to trust him, but I was willing to try, simply to escape the pain. A pain too deep. A pain bubbling to the surface. A pain I could no longer contain.

  I stormed off to my bedroom. Upon entering the room, I threw my small desk lamp up against the wall and watched the shards of glass shatter over the lime green carpet. I sensed him, even before he wrapped his arms around me and kissed me on the base of my neck. For the briefest of moments, I felt as if we were floating alone on a cloud, and no one could hurt me again until he spoke the words, "They're right. This all started because of my actions, not theirs. I was the one who destroyed us, and I will spend the rest of my life trying to earn your trust again. Please? I will spend every day doing my best to make up for the last five years. Please just stay with me. Be my girl again?"

  I rubbed my runny nose on the sleeve of the sweatshirt I was wearing.

  "Thanks, babe, that was my favorite shirt."

  I turned around and snuggled my head against his chest. "Sorry."

  Myles brushed his knuckles gently over my cheek. "Are you blushing, Emma... Emma Murphy? Can we get out of here?"

  I nodded, and we walked past Granny and Coraline without acknowledging them and headed to a room with ONE king-sized bed.

  Myles pulled under an awning at some ritzy hotel. To be honest, I didn't even know there was a hotel that nice within a twenty-mile radius of the town.

  We were kissing as he opened the door leading to a suite, and I loved how he couldn't wait any longer to get his hands on me. I savored the feel of the calluses on his fingers caused by years of playing the guitar. He lowered me onto the bed and kissed me, never offering to take it further. He was cautious. He didn't even trap my bottom lip between his teeth. I had missed the little things the most. He hovered over me, dragging his teeth along my jawline. “Please don’t tell me about who else you’ve been with. I know I have no right to say anything, but I can’t take it if you do.”

  His breath was warm against my skin when I said, "I haven't. You are still the only guy I’ve even consider." Those words stopped him in his tracks. He stopped kissing me and pressed his forehead to my neck, then laughed.

  He laughed at the twenty-four-year-old freak.

  "Don't laugh. It just never felt right. Nobody is you."

  He combed his fingers through my hair. "I'm not laughing at you." He lifted his face and stared me straight in the eyes. His eyes seemed to dance in merriment. "I have stayed awake too many nights, imagining you in all kinds of scenarios." He slid his hand beneath my shirt, pressing his palm against my chest. He kept it there, paying attention to the extreme rate my heart pumped. "I'm simply happier than I should be allowed." A flash of excitement touched Myles’s face. "Too damn happy..." He fell back onto the mattress.

  There was something about knowing how Myles felt—even knowing what he had done—that made everything, or everyone dim in comparison. It made the ache I had carried the last few years vanish. I raised onto my elbow, forcing him to look at me. "Nobody has been you."

  He smiled, highlighting the dimple on his left cheek, and rubbed his fingers over the deep brown stubble on his jaw. "I've only ever wanted you. I'm sorry, I wasn't there."

  I glanced at him, taking him off guard. A familiar flicker of understanding flashed across his eyes. Unsure when it finally happened, but I was to hand over the part of me I had locked away to Myles. He owed all of me, and it was time he knew.

  I climbed on top of him, and as I looked down at him, I realized that I belonged to Myles O’Conner and wouldn't fight it. "You're here now."

  Not being capable of holding back any longer, I puckered my lips to run them down Myles’s neck. His skin tasted of iron, sweat, and musk. I caressed my mouth on the vein pulsing in his neck, purely to take in his scent.

  He leaned up, pressing his lips against mine, soft and slow. The longer our mouths molded together, the more overwhelmed I became by the reality of what was happening. Myles pulled me closer to him. His hands trembled. The awe moment in my head happened. He knew what was coming but feared what it would do to us. We were finally on the same page.

  Each movement he made was further confirmation of my suspicion. His mouth opened, and I moved my tongue inside, tasting and searching softly. He stopped abruptly, pressing his forehead to mine.

  "I want you," he said. "I've wanted you since I was a boy, and I'll want you to the day I take my last breath. But you’re still hurt."

  His words sunk in and part of me craved to rip off every piece of fabric between us. The other part set off sirens in my head. I pulled back a bit, but Myles only became more determined. I retreated all the way upright on my knees, but Myles stayed with me. I gripped his shoulders to hold him at bay.

  “What do you mean hurt?”

  “Your heart. It’s been bruised and beat up. I know I caused all the pain we both felt, and I want you to know that you can trust me again.”

  "I'm scared," I whispered, breathing hard. "I love you. But I'm scared."

  Even though
I wanted to do it, Myles leaned in again, and this time I let him come close enough to touch his lips to mine. He looked up at me, serious and determined.

  "Me too. I had the honor of having you once before and then lost you. I can’t live through that again. I'll wait," he whispered against my mouth.

  “You gave yourself to them.” I rolled off him and lay beside him.

  "Don't do this because of them. They mean nothing to me. You, you mean everything."

  The words coming from his mouth gripped me and twisted my insides. I grabbed the back of his head and sealed my lips against his. Myles’s fingers ran down the length of my back and settled on the seam of my jeans. My fingers knotted in his hair as I positioned myself between his open thighs. Just as our mouths met again, he slid his hand across my back. When his hard, calloused fingers touched my bare skin, a low purr erupted. It was the best feeling in the world.

  My eyes closed. "Did you want them? I mean, did you even care?" I didn't dare look at him, not with my heart thudding in my chest.

  "Yes, I care about you. They helped me cope. But you are the only person I've ever wanted. You've owned me since I was a horny fifteen-year-old boy." He kissed me tenderly. "You mean everything to me."

  I was sick of being alone, and I was sick of being lonely. “I’m so jealous. You have no idea how jealous,” I told him, then felt his lip ring move against my neck.

  “There is no need for you to be. They had a part of me for a few moments. You’ve had all of me for years.” He reached across my bare middle. His eyes widen as they raked down my body. He took his lip ring between his teeth as he took in a deep breath. “I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”

  “I couldn’t possibly hurt anymore.”

  Boy, was I wrong.

  His eyes pleaded as his hands scraped the hem of my T-shirt. I nodded.

  My nipples were so hard they hurt, and goosebumps instantly covered my skin.

  “Please,” I begged and let a tear fall down my face.

  He peeled the shirt off my body, and he let his tongue peek out and lick his upper lip. His stare alone sent my hormones into overload.

  Myles had seen girls in every walk of life, girls much better looking than me. I placed my free hand over my bra. Myles ran his hand up and down my body before taking my hand in his.

  “I’ve never seen someone so beautiful. I love you and have imagined seeing you like this so many times,” he said, somehow knowing what I was thinking.

  “You’ve been with movie stars and some of the most beautiful groupies,” I blurted out, and he visibly shook.

  “Not one compares to you in my eyes.”

  I wanted to believe him, but he had lied to me before.

  “Did you bring a condom?” I asked, praying he always used one.

  “A condom?” he questioned. “I already said we aren’t having sex.”

  Why would he want me when he has had others so much more experienced? I started to sit up.

  “Where are you going—” he started to speak and wiped away a tear when the realization smacked him in the gut. “Baby, I didn’t mean it like that. I plan to have lots of sex with you, but not until you trust me, and I prove how much I love you. Yes, you are different. You’re my other half. Please tell me you have felt it too. I have been lost without you. The whole world is better when you are with the one you are meant to be with.”

  He climbed on top of me and kneeled over me as if he was doing a pushup. “I can’t believe I get to hold you like this,” he whispered into my mouth, then he shifted his body to lie on his side once again. “You are the one I want to be with.” He brought his hand to my neck and trailed it down my chest, touching me with the lightest touch, down the planes of my stomach until he stopped just above my underwear. I heard him suck a breath through his teeth as he brought his mouth to mine.

  “Look at me, baby,” he crooned.

  I opened my eyes, causing my breathing to become erratic. When he pulled me closer, I grabbed his shoulders. He ran his nose along my neck and inhaled deeply. “I’ve got to stop. I only have so much willpower.”

  I stood up and replaced my shirt, then removed my bra. “Do you still want me to stay?”

  “I never want to sleep without you again. Let me hold you tonight? In the morning, we can start all our tomorrows. We can start anew.”

  We spent the rest of the night watching pay-per-view and such movies like Dirty Dancing and Sixteen Candles. Myles even paid extra to have the kitchen open, and room service deliver two hamburgers with fries.

  When the closing credits started to roll on the final movie, Myles pulled me tightly against him, and we spooned. A big, relaxing breath moved his chest up and down slowly as I fell asleep, entirely content.

  Chapter 17

  M y limbs felt heavy as arms held me, but the most vivid sense was the smell of Ralph Lauren Polo cologne. Jolted awake, my eyes popped open at the realization I wasn't alone. I burrowed under the covers and froze for a moment. I heard someone breathing lightly and felt a large hand splayed across my back, a leg casually slung over mine, and a chest tucked under my body. My Myles… Myles O’Conner lay in bed with me.

  I watched him and marveled at the way his messy hair sprawled onto his pillow, and his tattooed arms gripped the sheets. He seemed at peace and so beautiful. I didn't care how crazy I was being. I just needed Myles back in my life.

  Sometime in the night, Myles had lost his shirt. My eyes went directly to his chest and the multitude of tattoos covering his taut torso, especially the EM tat. My hand instinctively reached up to the delicate scrollwork. Nothing could stop the way he made me feel. I couldn't change it, even if I wanted to. I would always love Myles and would no longer fight it.

  I glanced up and was greeted by a gentle expression and a pair of gray eyes gazing at me. I touched his forehead, brushing his hair back. He smiled ever so slightly.

  "Yeah, I know. I'm looking damn hot. Don't stop; you can explore all you want. I promise I'm going to try to cop a feel or two today."

  "I can't stay away anymore. I'm tired of hurting." I reached up to play with the metal ring above his eye. We lay within inches of each other, but we were still worlds apart, and I had no idea how to breach the distance.

  "I don't want you to stay away. I never wanted us to be apart." I watched his Adam's apple move as he spoke. “I deserved it but never wanted it.”

  "I like the ink. Do they all mean something?"

  His tongue darted from his lips and licked over my earlobe before grabbing it between his teeth. "Most do." Myles started to unfasten his pants. "I want to show you something."

  "I don't need to see it; I've already felt it."

  "You haven't felt anything yet, baby doll." He wiggled his eyebrows at me, causing me to laugh. "But get your noggin out of the gutter." He pushed his pants down, and on his upper thigh was a tattoo of a butter cookie.

  "Is that what I think it is?"

  "It sure is."

  "Why?"

  "Because I was eating a butter cookie when I realized I had met the girl who would own all my tomorrows."

  My lungs ached. It was as if there were holes in them, and as hard as I tried, I couldn't hold air in them any longer. I had to make it work and not let all our yesterday's destroy us both.

  "Make me a promise."

  "What promise?" He spoke into my neck, and the sensation of his breath made me shiver.

  "I can only imagine the girls you have had. I accept that, but I don't want to hear about it. Please don't tell me about the details of your love life. This won't work if you do."

  "I never want to hurt you. I know my actions have a thousand times over, but I don't have to tell you the details about my love life. You already know them all because the only love life I have ever had is with you." He lifted his hand and stroked the dimple on my right cheek. I leaned against his opening palm, remembering how much I missed his touch.

  "You expect me to believe "

  "I didn't remember
most of their names the next day; I sure didn't date. Yes, the only love life I have experienced is with you. You are the inspiration for every love song, the catalyst to my every thought. I'm not even going to try to sleep with you until I prove I'm not that man." His hooded gaze and husky voice strolled into my heart. He held my stare without saying a word, then brushed his fingers gently over my left temple. I closed my eyes and kept them closed as he kissed me very softly on the lips. "Help me write a new chapter to our manuscript."

  That thought had my heart gallop like a racehorse. Myles lit a cigarette but still managed to smile, a genuinely breathtaking smile, at the same time. "When did you start smoking?"

  He flashed my favorite lazy lopsided smirk. "In rehab, you have five years' worth of tales to learn about me. You are aware I'm a rock god now?" My very own personal piece of heaven my gray eye demon said. "What I did to you to us, it has almost destroyed me. Every day since I've wanted to die, anything besides living with this pain." His slow, soothing whisper caressed my face. "So sorry, it's always been only you—it will only ever be you."

  I swiped the sweat beading on my forehead. Every single beat of my heart hurt. It echoed through my body, and wherever it reached, it caused pain. "Why didn't you try harder for us?"

  "I was fighting to survive. You and your Granny told me I wasn't wanted anymore."

  "You will always be wanted. Do you still love me?"

  Myles kissed my left cheek. "I love you, Blue Eyes. How many times do I need to say it? I meant it the first time I said it, and I still mean it. I love you, Emma… Emma Murphy. We have to work through so much, but I promise you here, and now, I will spend the rest of my life trying to show you I can be a better man. I can be better than our parents. Please, let me prove it to you. Don't leave me again. I refuse to live without you anymore."

  Could I forgive him that easily? Could I let him back in my life? Could I trust him again? I had to try.