St Paul's Labyrinth

by Jeroen Windmeijer

  But eventually they roused themselves to action, because their leader lay shaking and trembling on the ground, with white foam around his mouth. They saw how his lips moved, as though in conversation with an invisible partner. Someone put their fingers in his mouth to stop him from swallowing his tongue, and another put a wooden stick between his teeth. The priest was aware of none of this; he was being held spellbound by something else entirely.

  The voice said to him: ‘Now get up and stand on your feet. I have appeared to you to appoint you as my servant. Because you will be a witness of what you have seen and what I will show you. I will protect you from the world into which I am sending you so that you may open the people’s eyes and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God. So that they may receive forgiveness for their sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me.’

  The priest grew calm and stood up, but although his eyes were open, he could not see.

  One of the temple priestesses, who had been trained in first aid, came rushing over. When she discovered that he had lost his sight, she radioed the reception who called for an ambulance. She introduced herself as Florine, and held his hand until the paramedics arrived.

  The priest sat on the ground and leaned against Florine, who had sat down behind him. He felt the warmth of her body through her clothes. It was wonderfully reassuring. For a few moments, he felt like a small boy being comforted by a teacher after falling over on the playground.

  ‘They’ll be here soon,’ she said to him soothingly. ‘Don’t you worry. Everything will be all right.’

  When he was eventually lifted onto the stretcher he was sorry to have to leave her.

  He lay in the hospital for three days. He refused to eat or drink, like a saint who has undertaken to fast in order to find the answer to a troubling question. They gave him fluids through an IV drip against his will.

  At the end of the third day, he felt the presence of someone next to his bed. They did not speak.

  ‘Who’s there?’ he said nervously.

  There was no answer.

  ‘Who’s there?’ he said again.

  ‘Ane,’ said a voice. It sounded familiar. ‘Florine told me what happened. She recognised you from your protests at our lectures every month.’

  The priest tried to sit up, but immediately fell back onto his pillow.

  ‘Florine is a witch …’ The priest could hear that Ane was smiling as he spoke. ‘… in the positive sense of the word. She’s a follower, if you can call it that, of Wicca, the pagan religion. You know of it, I’m sure. The role of priestess at Archeon is more than just a role to her. The moment she puts on her costume, she is that priestess.’ Ane grasped the priest’s arm. ‘She felt something,’ he said, not removing his hand, ‘a strong presence, an experience she’s never had before. You looked like you were speaking to someone. She heard the voice too.’

  The priest slowly nodded.

  ‘I think I know what happened,’ Ane said. ‘I’ve also had visions. About you. I know that you intended to harm us, and that you would very much like to see us all locked up. But I believe that you’ve been chosen as an instrument to spread our message. The one who appeared to you at Archeon has sent me to you, to make you see again.’

  Then it was as though scales fell away from the priest’s eyes. When he opened them, he could see again. He stood up and washed his face with cold water. He ate the lunch that had been left in his room despite his refusal to eat, and he felt his strength return.

  A nurse came by to check on him. When she realised that her patient had regained his sight, she promptly summoned the doctor on call. The doctor carried out a few quick tests, and decided that he would examine the priest that afternoon to check that there was no permanent damage.

  ‘Can you remember what happened?’ Ane asked.

  ‘It was …’ The priest tried to find words to describe what he had experienced over the last three days. ‘It was indeed as though someone was speaking to me. Just as you and I are speaking to each other now. It was so real. I didn’t see anyone at first, only a bright light. But then a voice came from within the light and spoke to me. That girl heard it too?’

  ‘Not everything, but she certainly caught some of it. Some of your “knights” …’ There was a note of mild derision in his voice as he said the word. ‘… believe that they also heard the voice. Others said that they saw the light, but heard no voice.’

  ‘You’ve spoken to them?’

  ‘Some of your “followers” were here when I visited a day or two ago. I can’t say they were very friendly. They were curious to know what I thought I was doing here. They were of the opinion that I should leave you alone.’

  ‘And yet they still told you …’

  ‘And yet they still told me that they had seen a light or heard a voice, yes. They were quite certain that it was—’

  ‘Saint Paul!’ the priest burst out.

  ‘Yes, Saint Paul, precisely. They told me because, of course, they could also see the similarities between what happened to you, and what happened to Paul on the road to Damascus. He was on his way to fight against what he saw as heresy too. His plan was to arrest the members of the new Christian sect and take them back to Jerusalem. He also fell, and a divine voice spoke to him. The parallels are very clear of course. Your colleagues described it as sign, a sign from God. And that is why they told me. They wanted to show me that God is on their side. Your side, of course, not mine.’

  ‘The words I heard were almost literally the same ones that Paul heard when he fell from his horse.’

  ‘Almost the same?’

  ‘Yes, almost but not exactly. There was one difference … It wasn’t Christ who spoke to me.’ He sat up. ‘The voice wasn’t a man’s or a woman’s. I couldn’t tell you which, nor who it was that I saw. It was a sort of … light. Sometimes they disappeared into the light and sometimes it actually made them clearly visible, as clear as I see you now. I felt like I might have been able to touch them. And it was as though the presence wanted me to understand that what I was doing was not good, that I was persecuting something that has no evil in it.’

  The priest stopped talking and remained silent for a long time, staring blankly in front of him. ‘I’m trying to find the right words. The person didn’t speak, as such. Their lips didn’t move. I heard the voice in my head, so real, as though someone was saying the words out loud. As though they wanted to say …’

  ‘As though they wanted to say what?’

  ‘As though they wanted to say … “Why are you persecuting me?” That’s what the voice said. As Jesus asked Paul, but then the other way around, as it were. Why was I persecuting others in Jesus’ name? And the oddest thing is, it felt good, peaceful. It wasn’t judgemental, I wasn’t being admonished. It was more … more like they were taking an interest, a genuine interest. And I didn’t know what to say in reply.’

  Ane nodded understandingly and appeared to be very pleased by what he was hearing.

  ‘I still need to process it all. It really was a very strange experience. And now this conversation with you … This feels strange too. I don’t feel any hostility just now, not within myself and not between us either. I feel like I’ve been given great insight, but I don’t know what it might be about. Is this making sense at all, Ane? Or am I raving?’

  Ane smiled and put a reassuring hand on the priest’s arm.

  ‘Have you always had these fits, Tiny? May I call you Tiny?’

  Tiny nodded.

  ‘I remember you having a fit during one of your protests.’

  The priest gave him a pained smile, as though he preferred not to be reminded of it.

  ‘Since puberty.’ Tiny explained, ‘They didn’t happen often … but enough to have an impact on my life. They were at their worst during puberty. Tests, drugs … it was all quite unpleasant for a boy of course. Not being allowed to cycle home from school on my own, going to bed on time, having to leave school parti
es early and so on. It can be kept under control if I take my medication, and even more so if I stick to a routine, don’t go to bed too late and …’

  ‘Don’t get too wound up,’ Ane said, smiling.

  ‘Precisely, if I don’t get too wound up. And that’s exactly what I often did outside your meetings, let myself get wound up. I’m sure that was part of what caused the attack at Archeon. Although it’s likely that the sunlight flickering between the trees played a part too.’

  ‘Have you looked into it? Epilepsy?’

  ‘I’ve not really studied it, no. It’s something that I need to be aware of in my daily life, but I’ve never looked into it deeply. Not in the way you mean.’

  ‘The Greeks thought it was a holy sickness. Did you know that? It’s still considered to be divine in many primitive cultures. They believe that the fit brings the sufferer in direct contact with their god or goddess, or whichever deity their culture worships. The word “epilepsia” even means something like “to take possession of”.’

  ‘That could also be the devil.’

  ‘It’s often interpreted that way, yes. You know the story of Jesus healing the boy possessed by a demon. When you read it …’ He reached over to the nightstand next to the bed and took the small Gideon bible out of the drawer. He leafed through the Gospel of Mark and quickly found what he was looking for. He read it aloud:

  And he asked them, ‘What are you arguing about with them?’ And someone from the crowd answered him, ‘Teacher, I brought my son to you, for he has a spirit that makes him mute. And whenever it seizes him, it throws him down, and he foams and grinds his teeth and becomes rigid. So I asked your disciples to cast it out, and they were not able.’ And he answered them, ‘O faithless generation, how long am I to be with you? How long am I to bear with you? Bring him to me.’ And they brought the boy to him. And when the spirit saw him, immediately it convulsed the boy, and he fell on the ground and rolled about, foaming at the mouth. And Jesus asked his father, ‘How long has this been happening to him?’ And he said, ‘From childhood. And it has often cast him into fire and into water, to destroy him. But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.’

  Ane closed the bible and put it back in the drawer. He continued the story himself. ‘Jesus prays, and after a great deal of screaming and convulsing, the evil spirit leaves the boy. And afterwards, the boy appears to be dead. But Jesus takes him by the hand to help him to his feet, and he stands up.’

  ‘How stupid of me,’ the priest responded. ‘It never occurred to me that it was about an epileptic fit … Nor the story about the boy who is possessed by a whole legion of demons. Jesus orders the spirits in that boy to go into a group of pigs, and the pigs all rush off a cliff and drown in the sea.’

  ‘That’s right,’ Ane agreed, ‘and there are other examples. It was explained in terms of possession and evil spirits in those days because they had no understanding of what was really happening. And a fit can look frighteningly violent of course.’ He seemed to hesitate, but then he continued. ‘Nineteenth-century psychiatrists began to notice that their epilepsy patients were often very religious, particularly those patients with temporal lobe epilepsy. Some people thought that many of the saints might also have been epileptic, the most famous example, of course, being Saint Paul, who said he had spoken with Jesus during a fit. And many epilepsy sufferers have had intense religious experiences during their episodes. Take Joseph Smith, who founded the Mormons … Supposedly, he had a fit when he was fourteen that made him feel like he had been possessed by a strange force. Everything around him went dark, and a pillar of light appeared above his head and slowly descended towards him. Then he saw two people who told him that not a single one of the existing churches or sects was preaching the truth. Smith said that the two people were God and Christ.’

  ‘Why are you telling me all of this?’

  ‘Isn’t it clear that you’ve just experienced something similar? You’ve had an encounter, you saw a person and light. You say that you feel you’ve received great insight, but that you don’t know how to put it into words yet.’

  ‘I had a strong feeling of … How can I describe it? As I said, the person asked me a question, quite a confrontational question in fact, but I didn’t feel like I was being judged. Actually, it felt like the opposite of that, as though they understood me. There was … love. An enormous feeling of love. I can’t describe it in any other way. And I had an intense feeling of unity, of space and timelessness. I couldn’t possibly say how long the whole experience lasted. It might have been less than a second. I don’t know.’

  ‘Listen to me,’ Ane said, ‘you’ve had what we would call an encounter with the source of our existence. There are people who … We have a group. I can introduce you. They know I’m here with you now.’

  ‘A group? What sort of group? I don’t know if that’s what I want. I’m still trying to understand all this. I’m a member of just one group, and that’s the Roman Catholic Church …’

  ‘I don’t think that needs to change, even after you’ve processed what I believe has happened to you. You can still be a priest, the Father you are now, but with a different purpose. I suspect that your daily rituals will stay almost exactly the same. We’re really not so very different from you.’

  ‘I don’t understand any of this,’ the priest said, suddenly feeling exhausted. ‘I think I’d like to sleep now. Let’s speak again, provided I don’t change my mind in the meantime.’

  Ane stood up to leave.

  ‘This group of yours,’ the priest said. ‘When was it formed? How long have you been meeting?’

  Ane paused before he answered. The corners of his mouth rose for a fraction of a second, more of a muscle twitch than a smile. ‘For more than two thousand years.’

  16

  Saturday 21 March, 12:30am

  ‘You’re looking for a soldier,’ Fay had said.

  Had he and Awram been on the right track after all? The sheet with the hole in it to curb the lusts that accompanied reproduction … the eternal battle against being carried away by irrational impulses, humans as soldiers who had to arm themselves against unseen enemies from within and without …

  Peter wasn’t entirely convinced yet, but waiting for Fay seemed to be the best option right now. Because as far as he could see, this was all he had to go on. He stood up and gave the phone back to Awram, who was reading something on his computer. The phone died with a soft bleep.

  ‘One of my friends is coming over,’ Peter said. ‘She thinks she can help me. It’s strange, she said “soldier” straight away … the same conclusion we eventually came to. As soon as she gets here, we’ll leave. I’ve imposed on you too much already.’

  ‘No, no, it’s quite all right.’

  Peter sat down and they were quiet for a while.

  ‘What are you working on, if you don’t mind me asking?’ Peter said, breaking the silence. He nodded at the computer.

  ‘Well, believe it or not, I’ve been rather busy with Paul. Although I’m actually always busy with Paul in one way or another. I might spend my days studying the Torah, but he’s always there in the background. I suppose you could say he’s a recurring theme in my life.’

  ‘What do you mean by that?’

  ‘Paul is … I really do have a love/hate relationship with that man. First, he was a fanatical Jew who actively persecuted Christians. Then he suddenly became a Christian who tried to win Jewish souls for those very same Christians! I consider Paul to be the founder of Christianity. He was the one who ultimately caused the irreconcilable schism between Jesus’ followers, who were all Jewish, and the other Jews.’

  Awram sighed, as though he was trying to gather the strength to continue. ‘At the time, the Jews had no problem with Jesus,’ he told Peter. ‘There was room for him alongside traditional Judaism … Of course, you know Jews love a good discussion. There’s nothing they like doing more than lernen, studying and exchanging ideas, sometimes quite heatedl
y. What does this passage mean? Doesn’t it contradict that text there? What did this scholar say about it? And what was that scholar’s response? If it’s forbidden to make a fire on the Sabbath, does the same go for turning on an electric light? And how do we interpret laws that were written two thousand, three thousand years ago for modern life? That’s how Jews are, and how they have always been. These are the things Jesus discussed with the scholars of the Jewish law, the Pharisees. Is it permitted to heal someone on the Sabbath? If you are walking through a field on the Sabbath and pluck and eat an ear of corn, does that count as work? Should a woman literally be stoned if she has committed adultery, or is there room for clemency? As I said, Jews love discussion. Put two Jews in a room and you’ll hear three opinions … It’s an art, a way of life … So, contrary to what the Gospels would have us believe, Jesus wasn’t really seen as a disruptive influence.’

  ‘But what about all the stories in the Gospels about Jesus clashing with the Pharisees?’ Peter asked. ‘He called them a brood of vipers.’

  Awram smiled with amusement, like a teacher enjoying being challenged by an intelligent student. ‘Listen, I don’t need to lecture you on the Gospels. The earliest Gospel is Mark, written somewhere around AD 70, so about forty years after Jesus’ death. Paul writes his first letters in the mid-forties of that century. All of his letters and the ones that have been attributed to him, those are all older than the Gospels. It’s only because they appear after the Gospels in the New Testament that people think otherwise. But Paul was the first to record his ideas about Jesus. His own ideas, mind you, Paul’s. They conflicted with those of Jesus’ first followers, and of Jesus’ brother James and all the others who travelled with him who heard him speak, who saw him perform all those miracles that have been attributed to him. Just imagine being one of Jesus followers, knowing what he had said and done. Then along comes someone who has never met Jesus … trying to tell you what Jesus really meant, what his message really was, and that his message was much less stringent than the one you were used to. That you didn’t need to be circumcised in order to belong, that you didn’t need to adhere to all the strict religious laws, that you could eat whatever you wanted. They were furious of course, as you might imagine. They said: “What do you know about it? You never even met him. Surely, we’re the ones who truly know what he meant? We’re the ones who sat around the fire with him when he told his stories … Jesus told us what their deeper meanings were. We were there when he gave people hope, when he opened the eyes of the blind and made the lame walk again. We’re the ones who heard him say that he hadn’t come to abolish the law or the writings of the prophets, but to fulfil them.” And they added that Jesus himself had assured them that until the heaven and the earth disappeared, every letter, every pen-stroke of the law would still be valid.’