by BL Mute
Julius shifts his attention from what is beyond the window to me. “Ruby red rum is what we always said when my dad was having one of his moments… we’ll call them outbursts. Anyway, I can’t even remember where we got it, but it’s stuck all of these years.”
“What do you mean outbursts?”
He shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it.” He looks back out the window “I just don’t understand why he texted you and not me. That’s something we only use if we need one another. Not necessarily trouble, but it’s never been used in a good way.”
“I’ve been asking myself the same thing,” I quip.
“Maybe it’s because he loves you,” he whispers almost too low for me to hear.
“What did you say?”
“You heard me, Charlie.” He doesn’t look back in my direction, and I don’t dare say anything else. This isn’t a conversation I want to have right now.
I chew my lip and wring my hands the rest of the way until we’re finally pulling up to Red Eye. We step out, and everything almost feels foreign. It hasn’t been too long since I’ve been here, but it’s been long enough. I do my best to stay away because all I can picture when I’m here is Simon’s head painting the floor.
I shake the thoughts away and follow Julius through the door. The bald bouncer, I swear, is here every time I come, and he always greets me with the same crooked smile. “Morning, Mrs. Hale.”
I return the favor as I head through the door. It’s almost like when Teddy died—everyone learned my name and knew I was taking his spot, but now that he’s back—now after everything—being called Mrs. Hale makes me sick. But I don’t correct him. I just stick with the smile and a nod of the head and continue following Julius.
Luckily, since it’s so early in the morning, no one is really here other than a few people cleaning the floors and a bartender stacking bottles. I’m sure it takes a good amount of preparation to get ready for nights in this place. We make it to the bottom of the stairs that lead up to the most private area of the club, and there is another bouncer standing guard.
He tips his head and studies Julius before he glances up the steps. “You’re new, huh?” Julius asks.
The man nods.
“He’s my twin brother—you’re not seeing a ghost. Now move.” His voice leaves no room for an argument.
The man steps to the side meekly and lets Julius walk up the stairs with me in tow. When we make it to the top, I shake out my nerves and take another deep breath. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to expect, and I don’t like that.
When Julius pushes open the door, all I see is Lucas sitting on the couch with his arms stretched out across the back and his legs spread with… Before I can register what is happening, Julius breaks up the moment with a tone I don’t believe I have heard before. “Seriously?” he yells. “This isn’t a fucking emergency.” It isn’t like him to raise his voice. The woman between his knees looks up, takes a breath, and wipes the smudged lipstick from her chin.
Lucas’s head leans to the side as he smiles. “Charlie. I didn’t know you were coming.”
When I hear his words slur, I glance toward Julius. “He’s drunk.”
“No shit,” he bites back, full of sarcasm.
I roll my eyes and step to the side with crossed arms. Julius can handle this.
When the woman stands, I recognize her face from Emil’s casino. She’s the one who was all over Lucas. I’m not jealous by any means, I’m just frustrated. I didn’t sleep at all, and now I’m having to help rescue Lucas from what? A bad blow job from a two-bit whore?
Julius steps closer. “Zip him up,” he demands looking at the girl before he plops down next to Lucas. “What are you doing, Luke?”
“Drinking everything away. I’m tired of feeling shit.”
Julius shakes his head. “You know what happens when you go on a bender. It’s never good. You should have just texted me. She doesn’t need to see you like this.”
“Jade?” He looks between his legs where the woman is now standing. “She doesn’t care.” He snorts.
“No. Charlie.”
Lucas looks back to where I stand. First, it’s like he doesn’t remember I was here. Confusion laces his features before the embarrassment sets in. “Why’d you bring her?”
“You texted her. You know damn well I couldn’t shake her if she knew.”
“Actually,” the slut chirps, “I texted. He was rambling about Charlie and ruby red rum. I didn’t know Charlie was her.” Her lip curls when she says her, and she locks eyes with me almost as if she’s looking for a challenge. Before I can respond, I hear Julius scold her.
“Fuck off, Jade. You know who the fuck she is. Now leave.” Julius uses his booming voice this time, and it makes me almost jump.
She huffs, then walks out of the room, giving me a final scoff.
Once she’s gone, Julius hooks his arm around Lucas’s waist, pulls Lucas’s hand over his shoulder, and lifts him up. “Come on. Time to go home and detox this shit out of your system.”
I follow closely behind as Julius practically carries Lucas down the narrow stairs, hoping he doesn’t lose his balance in the process.
When we make it to the car, Carl is waiting by the back door. “Again?” he asks.
“Again? This has happened before?” Both Carl and Julius ignore me as they stuff Lucas into the back seat.
I walk to the other side and slide across the seat as Carl and Julius get into the front. Lucas reeks of booze and bad decisions. I can smell the perfume from other women all over him mixed with the incense of a very pungent alcohol. When the car starts and we’re finally moving, his limp body slumps to the side, sending his head straight into my lap.
“I’ve missed you.” The words slip out, almost heartfelt. I’m not sure if I was expecting him to be a playful drunk, or maybe an angry one, but nothing about him says either. His tone is completely serious as his brown eyes burn into mine.
“I’ve missed you too, pretty boy.” I’d much rather scold him—tell him how worried I’ve been, but what’s the point. It’s not like he’ll remember this conversation tomorrow.
He turns his head to face my stomach and closes his eyes. I’m glad he’s not looking at me anymore because it does nothing but remind me of the feelings I have for him. I’m not even sure what those feelings are, but I know they’re there. I comb my fingers through his soft dark hair and study his face. Of course, I’ve seen Lucas and Julius numerous times, but I’ve never gotten the chance to really look at them.
His tan skin makes mine seem paler in comparison, and his dark hair almost shines a blue hue when the streetlights hit it. His tattoos paint a picture, allowing a glimpse into who he really is. Perhaps even the difficult life that has landed him in this position. I run my fingertips from his temple down to his jaw, mesmerized by the calm and relaxed state he’s in. How anyone can seem so peaceful with all that’s going on is beyond me.
My concentration is interrupted when we pull up to the gate. Just like every other time, there are no words exchanged. Just a simple nod and we’re let in. When we make it to the end of the drive, I look out the window and see Teddy standing in the doorway. Internally, I’m already mortified. Since he’s been back, I’ve made it a mission to stay away from Lucas, and now here I am, fondling his hair as he sleeps in my lap. It’s not like it matters anymore. Teddy and I have gone our separate ways, but in a sense, I’m still scared.
When he glides down the steps and opens the back door, his body freezes for a moment. First, he looks to Lucas, then runs his eyes up to mine. “Bender?”
I don’t even have time to reply before Julius is getting out of the front and coming to the back. “It’s worse than last time.”
I tip my head at his answer. So this has happened before. I want to remark, but I don’t. It’s clear they don’t want to tell me.
Teddy nods, then sidesteps. Julius grabs Lucas and hoists him out of the car. Lucas opens his eyes, looks around, then pushes
Julius away. “I’m fine.”
Julius tries to interject. “No you’re not. Let me help you.”
When Lucas pushes him away again, he glances back to me with almost pleading eyes. “Lucas,” I say, getting out and rounding the car. “How about I help you?”
He looks to me with a huff. “You’re the last person I want help from.” The venom in his tone has my stomach in knots, but I brush it off and keep my calm mask in place.
“Well, that’s too fucking bad. Come on.” I grab his arm and haul him inside, leaving the rest of the boys on their own.
I lead him down the hall until we reach his door. He slouches into the wall, staring at me as I open it. “What are you gonna do?” he questions. “Bathe me, clothe me. Nurse me back to health like some sick fucking puppy?”
I push open the door and look to him. “What’s your deal, Lucas? Why so much fucking hostility. I haven’t done anything to you.”
He laughs, then stumbles into his room, so I follow and close the door. “I can’t read you, Flower. It’s like one minute you want me, then the next you don’t. And then I risk everything to try and protect you and you get mad at me. You know Teddy came to me that night and asked me to clean up the fucking mess he made? You know how upset that made me? Because I knew if I would have done what he asked, you would be right back with him.
“I contemplated doing it too. Even after what he did, I still contemplated it because I know my loyalty lies with him. But I question everything when I’m around you, or thinking about you, Charlie. I ask if the sky is really blue, is ice really cold, and if I’m really willing to break my loyalty for someone who has held it longer than you’ll even look my way. You make me feel shit I shouldn’t feel.”
I push my back against the door and try to catch the breath that’s leaving my lungs. “Lucas—”
He stalks toward me, cutting me off. “Tell me to stop, Charlie. Tell me to fucking stop because I don’t think I can unless you say it.”
Every thought in my mind fleets along with all of the previous words he spoke. I can’t tell him to stop because I don’t even know if I want him to stop. His mouth is on mine before I can blink. His lips are soft, but his kiss is punishing. He moves his hands to my hips and grips them hard, pulling me as close as I can get before we run out of space. His tongue flicks over my own and sets every nerve in my body on fire.
But then reality sets in, and the taste of the liquor on his lips makes me push him away. “We can’t, Lucas.”
He cocks his head to the side and looks at me with bloodshot eyes. “Why are you so scared, Charlie? Why won’t you let me show you how love is supposed to be.”
His question rocks me to my core, and the realization of everything that’s happened over the past couple of weeks hits me, along with something else. “I love—”
Lucas cuts me off again. “Him. You love him.”
“And I love you too.” The words slip out before I can stop them or even think about them.
He rubs his hands over his face, then tugs his hair. “Stop, Charlie. Just stop.”
“What do you want from me, Lucas? Just tell me what you want!”
“I want you! How are you so fucking blind!”
His confession makes my knees wobble and my heart beat faster. As much as I want to give in, to show him I want him too, I just can’t. “This isn’t right.”
“Nothing in this fucked-up world is right. Why should we have to be?” His shoulders slump, and his voice starts to crack. “I want you, Charlie. Only you.”
Tears form in my eyes, but I do my best to keep them at bay. “We can’t.”
He nods, tipping his head so he can look at me down the bridge of his nose. “So that’s it? Why’d you even come to the club, then?”
“I came because I care, Lucas.”
“No.” He shakes his head. “You came back to me because he didn’t want you anymore.”
“That isn’t—”
“Leave, Charlie. I’m far too drunk to deal with this shit. It was my mistake to even say anything.”
“Lucas,” I plea.
“Leave!” he booms.
I stare at him for a beat, finally letting the tears fall. Lucas has always been like a volatile storm. Fine one second, completely unhinged the next. When he feels, he feels hard, and when he hurts, he hurts harder. It’s one of the reasons I vowed to keep my feelings for him under lock and key. I didn’t want to wake the savage within him, and I didn’t want to break his heart.
I leave his room and go to my own, promising myself to never get into another situation like this.
“I need you to take me to the airstrip, Carl,” I murmur when Charlie disappears inside with Lucas.
I’d like to say I’m not affected seeing her with him, but I am. I always will be, but it’s time to be the bigger man. To show her just how much I love her by letting her go.
“For?” he questions, looking to Julius for approval.
I grind my teeth. “I am the boss, Carl. Don’t ask questions. I’ll explain in due time.”
Julius shrugs and walks inside like he couldn’t give a fuck less, and I know he couldn’t. The respect my boys had for me flew out the window two weeks ago when I did what I did to Charlie. It doesn’t matter what excuse I give—like there is one—or what explanation I try to tell them, they don’t see it. And I can’t blame them. If the roles were reversed, I’d be acting the same way. It’s one of the reasons I’m going to cut all my ties.
Carl re-enters the driver’s seat, so I slide into the back seat. Luckily, the drive to the airstrip isn’t long, but it still gives me too much quiet time. All I’ve been able to do for weeks is think. Normally, that wouldn’t seem like such a bad thing. But when you’ve done something you know you shouldn’t have, lost the love of your life, and are about to hand over everything else of value, it becomes too fucking much.
Carl didn’t say a word the entire drive, and he doesn’t say a single word when I exit. Again, I’m not surprised. I like to look at Carl as a father figure of sorts. He’s levelheaded, will call your bluff, and most importantly, make sure everything you do is right in some sort of way. At this point, I’ve hurt him too. He thought he knew me better—help mold me into better—and hell, I did too.
As I make my way to the hangar, Carl slowly pulls away. Joseph steps out and eyes me up and down for a quick second. “Mr. Hale?” The surprise in his voice is evident.
I had forgotten almost everyone still thinks I’m dead. It’s easy to forget, to get wrapped up in my own world, especially with everything else going on.
“Joseph!” I pull him into a hug. “I can’t explain now, but yes it’s really me,” I laugh. “I need to make a trip to Mexico. Can you take me?”
Joseph never says no. I’m not sure if it’s because he really does like me, or because I keep him on retainer. I give him enough money monthly to support him and his grandmother tenfold.
He looks me up and down again with a grin. “I don’t get paid to ask questions, so I’ll only ask one.”
I raise a brow at him.
“Does your wife know you’re back? Is she okay?”
I had forgot I introduced Charlie as my wife to him. I chuckle, trying to conceal my hurt, then answer. “That was actually two questions, but yes. She knows I’m back, and she’s okay.”
He nods. “Good. She seems like a good woman, Hale. You have to keep her around.” He winks with a smile as he walks back inside to open the doors.
If only he knew how royally I had already fucked up.
The bumpy landing has me inhaling a sharp breath. Dr. Kelly said nothing was broken, but fuck if it doesn’t feel like it when I’m being bounced around.
I nod to Joseph as I exit the plane. I take the narrow steps slowly, making sure I don’t fall headfirst. I’m still on a cocktail of medicine, but I refuse to let anyone see me partake. I can’t let them know how weak I really am.
I slide into the back of the waiting car and rattle off Omar’s
address quickly in broken Spanish. The man nods and takes off. When I pull up, I debate on how to go about this whole thing. I can be honest, or I could throw in a few white lies. Really, it doesn’t matter which route I take. The result will be the same.
I step out of the car and walk across the dirt drive until I’m directly in front of his door. I bang the metal knocker and wait. Within seconds, the same old woman who always greets me opens the door.
Her eyes grow wide for a split second when they catch mine. “Fantasma,” she whispers. Ghost. I may not be able to speak the language clearly, but I do understand it.
I give her a soft smile, trying to portray I mean no harm with the expression.
She hurries away, then returns, mumbling to Omar. When he catches sight of me, he doesn’t seem surprised at all. “Hale.” He nods, sweeping his arm in front of him, inviting me in. “I knew you’d be back.”
I walk inside and wait for him to close the door. As he leads me to the living room, I finally ask, “How’d you know?”
He takes a seat, and I do the same across form him. “What, that you weren’t dead?”
I nod.
“Let’s just say you aren’t as smart as you think. I know someone everywhere.” His confession doesn’t surprise me. I already knew this about him, but I was careful.
“Now, I wasn’t positive because I never believe anything I don’t see myself, but there is no question now. So, tell me why you’re here. I don’t suspect it’s for more supply. Your wife hasn’t been pushing as much with you ‘gone.’” He does air quotations with his fingers.
“I know she hasn’t. We’ve been going through our back supply first. I’m only here to give you a heads-up.”
“Oh?” He tips his head and rubs his chin.
“I’m stepping away, Omar. I’m signing everything over to the twins today. I just figured I owed it to you to let you know face-to-face.”
He squints his eyes. “If this is another stunt, you can save it. I don’t like games, Hale.”
I hold up my hands and let out a breath. “No games. I’ve just realized they’re better equipped to handle things at this point. I have some unfinished business I’ll be taking care of, then I’m out. I’ve done some shit I can’t come back from.”