by BL Mute
“He hasn’t said anything?” David asks, lounging on my couch.
“Nothing at all. I’ll call him later and see if he’s found anything yet.”
“He doesn’t seem like much help,” he laughs. “I probably could have figured out more on my own at this point.”
I shake my head with a huff. “The point is to keep you away from everything, not dig you deeper into the hole.”
“I’m not scared, cousin. I’ve dealt with worse than Theodore,” Another laugh escapes his mouth.
“Yeah? But you’ve never dealt with Charlie. She’s always been a determined individual, but those Hales are just putting more shit into her head. At this point I wouldn’t be surprised if she’d killed someone before with how long she’s been with them.”
He stretches his arm across the back of my couch and crosses his ankle over his knee. “Why do you want her, then? Seems like she’s damaged goods at this point.”
I ponder his question before I answer. “I’ve known her a long time. There is just something about her. I can’t explain it.”
He raises an eyebrow. “Wanting this girl will probably kill you, and you can’t even explain why you want her? Cabron!”
I take a seat next to him on the couch with a beer in my hand. “Don’t call me an asshole, asshole.” I smile. “Just wait. Once you see her, you’ll realize why I’ve loved her since I was a kid. She’s different than other girls.”
“Not sure I want to meet the woman I screwed over. We killed her dad, remember? Pretty sure she won’t be too happy about that.”
“She’ll understand the reasons once we tell her. She’s big on family too, and soon enough, she’ll be a part of our family.”
He side-eyes me. “I think you’re being too hopeful, cousin. If she’s anything like you’ve said, I don’t think she’ll be as understanding as you think.”
I play his words over and over in my mind. What if he’s right? What if Charlie only sees the small picture? In reality, yes, I did this for David, but in a way I did it for her too. I know her dad wanted her to have something good. To get away from Northridge Heights and thrive. If he could see her now and know she’s with the Hales, I know he wouldn’t be happy. I just have to make her see everything I’m doing is to please her dad and take care of her. Sure, I helped kill him, but this will be my way to give back.
“Maybe you’re right, but only time will tell. I’m almost positive I can have her eating out of my hand by the time we finish with the Hales. I just have to show her how bad they really are. That’s where Andrew comes in to play. He’ll help me shine a bad light on them.” My words spill out with so much conviction, and at this point, I’m not sure if I’m trying to actually convince David or myself.
“Just wait,” I add. “You’ll see.”
I stare at my phone screen for the hundredth time today. I’ve called Lucas exactly twenty-four times in the past two weeks and haven’t heard anything back. I didn’t think the things I said were so bad it would make him want to leave. I only spoke the truth.
I hit Dial again and bring the phone to my ear. When it rolls to his voicemail, I let out a deep breath and leave yet another message. “Lucas, I don’t know what’s going on with you, but I need your help. In a few days I’m going to follow through with Teddy’s plan. We finally know who left the note, and I’m positive I know what happened to my dad. I don’t want to say too much here, so please just come home.”
I end the call and sink back into my corner with my pillow and blanket. I’ve done such a good job of keeping my façade in place, but I’m tired. So fucking tired. I want to be able to let everything out and be told it’ll be okay. I force my thoughts away and stand. I know I shouldn’t want to, but I’ve had the burning urge to talk to Teddy. To feel his touch.
I throw my phone in my bag and look around the room. It just doesn’t have the same feel since Teddy made the move to his room a few days ago. It is nothing more than four walls. Walls that thankfully cannot talk.
Without any more thought, I usher out of my door into the all-too-familiar hallway. It’s almost as if my body is on autopilot, driven by what’s left of my heart, as my feet lead me directly to his door. As I stand there, staring at the threshold, my brain applies the brakes and all of a sudden, I am frozen. My hand won’t reach out to knock no matter how much I tell it to.
“You okay, kid?” The sound breaks the silence and startles me.
I glance behind me and see Carl standing in the doorway of the kitchen. His hair is tousled, and in his hand is a mug that reads DRINK SOME COFFEE PUT ON SOME GANGSTER RAP AND HANDLE IT. The cliché almost brings a smile to my face.
“I just…” I don’t even know how to answer his question. I would like to think I’m okay even though I know I’m not. But there is just so much more to it. I abandon whatever statement I was going to say and start with a question. “Is it bad that I want to talk to him?”
He leans against the doorjamb and crosses his legs. “No. You just have to remind yourself not to let him push you around. You’re a strong woman. Remember that.”
“What if I’m not as strong as you think?”
He tips his head and sips his drink. “What do you mean?”
I contemplate my answer and decide to just be honest. “I love him, Carl. I know what he did was wrong, trust me, I know. But almost every second I’m not with him, he’s all I can think about. I don’t know how I can continue to seek feelings from someone who has inflicted so much pain on me. I know I shouldn’t, that I should hate him, but I just can’t. I feel what’s in my heart and what’s in my mind is like being stuck between a rock and hard place. A rock covered in acid and a hard place protruding with nails. I don’t know what to do.”
“You do what feels best for you, Charlotte.”
“What if I don’t even know what feels best?” My voice is meek.
“That’s a battle of your own. Unfortunately, I can’t help you with that, but I’ll be here when you do make your decision.” He winks, sips the last of his coffee, then disappears back into the kitchen.
Carl’s words fuel me in a way. I raise my hand and knock one solid time, but when the door opens, all of my bravado disappears. Seeing Teddy standing in front of me shirtless, covered in healing bruises and cuts, does nothing but make me want to hold him. To tell him everything will be okay. But he doesn’t deserve that from me, does he?
His eyes search my face for a moment. “Charlie?”
Hearing the concern in his voice breaks the dam inside me that’s been holding all of my emotions back. I push him inside his room and slam the door as the tears start to fall to my cheeks. “Why, Teddy?”
“I didn’t want to hurt you,” he whispers.
I shake my head vigorously. “But you did. You hurt me so fucking bad. Why?” I yell.
The words lash from within my quivering lips and tear-streaked cheekbones. I thought I had prepared myself better. I was certain I had my feelings under control. I had worked hard on a mask that portrayed confidence and strength. I was sure it would stay in place, but as soon as that door opened, it slipped, exposing the truth in my face. I was angry again. Angry. Sad. Betrayed.
“I was preparing you, Charlie. I guess you could say, even in my darkest moment, I was still protecting you. Looking forward, if something happens to me, I thought it would be easier on you if you hated me. I wanted you to hate me.”
I need you to hate me…
His words from that night echo in my mind.
“No. No!” My voice hardens. “You don’t get to do that, Teddy. You don’t get to act like the reason you broke me was for my own good. That you did the horrible things you did, because you actually do care. You don’t get to make me feel things. Not anymore.”
“I do care, Charlotte.” His voice is lower than mine—sincere—and it sends a spark to my chest, daring to explode and take all of what is left of my rationality with it, sending me directly into his arms. But how am I supposed to forgive him? Or
even worse, what if I’ve already forgiven him and I just can’t admit it?
Loving Teddy has been nothing less than an insane, thrill-seeking, roller-coaster ride. It’s been fast and sloppy. Dangerous and addicting. So fucking bittersweet, and so fucking heartbreaking all at once. But there is no denying he is like a drug. When he’s not around, he’s all I want. But when he’s around, I beg to be anywhere but with him. How can something be such a double-edged sword?
When he takes a step toward me, the little bit of strength I have left wavers. “Please don’t,” I beg.
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t make me fall in love with you again. It hurts right now, but I know the best thing to happen to me was losing you. We don’t belong together, Teddy.”
Hurt paints his face, but he doesn’t push further. “You’re right.”
My mouth is ready for a fight before I hear his response. “I’m serio—” I cut myself off when the words finally register in my head. “What?”
“You’re right, Monkshood.” He steps forward again, and this time I don’t stop him. “You deserve everything you want and more. It would be selfish of me to ask you to wait on me to figure out how to be all you need.” He brushes his hand along the side of my face before leaning down and kissing my hair. “One day a man will come into your life and he will be all you dreamed of. He’ll sweep you off your feet and head straight to the beach for that house you’ve always wanted. He’ll be everything I can’t.”
He pushes past me and opens his door. The magnitude of his words finally hit me, and I realize he heard every word I said that day. That’s why there was no fight, only his explanations. Suddenly, everything becomes too real. I felt decent when I was the one ending things, but now with him doing it, things are different. It is almost as if it’s a whole new hurt.
My mind won’t formulate any words to try and fight what he said, and there is no point. There is no going back at this point. Bridges have been burned, trust has been abolished and hearts have been broken. What’s done is done, and maybe it’s for the best. After all, Teddy and I were never meant to be together.
Happily ever afters don’t exist in our world. In this world.
Still, as I search the stillness on his face for just a glimpse of emotion, I feel a certain need to argue or back track, something, but my mind won’t let me. So instead, I walk past him. The hallway seems colder than before. I want to turn around, tell him I change my mind, but his door closes before I can, and it’s probably for the best. I need to remember who he is. What he did. I need to do as he asked. Hate him.
The house seems soundless, and it puts me on edge. Or perhaps, it’s always this quiet, but I’ve just never noticed because I’ve always had a distraction. I walk back to my room and sit on my bed for the first time since that night, and I don’t cry or cringe. Is it possible Teddy knew exactly what he was doing? Giving me the closure I needed even though I don’t feel I got closure at all.
I knead my hands over my mattress and grip the comforter. It isn’t the same one I’ve had. It’s softer and lighter, and it makes me think of Lucas. I asked him to get rid of everything, and he did, at least as much as he could.
I stand and walk to where my bag is on the floor and pick it up. I fish out my phone and see there are still no missed calls, voicemails, or texts. Granted, I was very upset after finding Lucas and Julius practically killing Teddy, but I can’t think of anything I said that would warrant him leaving. Not like this—with no word. I replay the words over and over in my head, making sure I didn’t overlook anything.
I thumb through my contacts. This time I stop in the J’s. I have tried to reach Lucas to no avail, so instead of calling him again and risking the same feeling of defeat, I text Julius.
CHARLIE: You still up?
Three dots dance at the bottom of the screen before a thumbs-up emoji comes in.
I roll my eyes and laugh.
CHARLIE: Meet me in the kitchen?
Again, the three dots pop up but only for a split second before I get a response.
JULIUS: K.
I leave my room and go to the kitchen. When I walk in, Julius is already sitting on a barstool with a drink in front of him. “Hey, Jules.”
He turns and tips his chin. “Everything okay?”
Hearing him talk is still almost weird, but it’s becoming more and more normal. At least for us.
“I talked to Teddy.” I try not to let the words affect me, but they do. I feel sad, a little angry still, and somehow… relieved? I maintain composure, yet tears still bite at the back of my eyes.
He scoots the stool next to him out and gently pats the seat, motioning for me to join him. “We don’t have to talk about it. Sometimes silence is the best medicine.”
I nod and take a seat next to him, thankful he understands, or at least pretends to. I hate having to repeat myself and have everything play through my head over and over. I didn’t come in here to talk, not really anyway; I just didn’t want to be alone.
He brings his glass between us, offering me a drink, but the smell alone of the alcohol makes me want to vomit. He tips his head with a grin. “Have you eaten anything today?”
The past few weeks, my days and nights have run together, so I can’t even answer that honestly. “I don’t remember,” I chuckle.
Without another word, he stands and walks to the other side of the bar. He pulls bread from the cabinet and starts untwisting its tie. “PB&J or grilled cheese?”
I laugh again. “Is that all you know how to make?”
He throws his hand to his chest. “I’m offended you would think such a thing. For your information, I know my way around a kitchen, but only the girls I fuck get to see that. Give them an orgasm or two, feed ’em, then send them on their way.”
“You’re the exact definition of a player, you know that?”
He winks at me. “You didn’t answer my question, Flower.”
I roll my eyes and point to the stove. “Grilled cheese.”
“Coming right up.”
The rest of the night, we sit in a comfortable silence while I eat and Julius drinks. Normally the quiet gets awkward, but with him it feels right. It feels safe. And in a way, it makes me feel I’m with Lucas too.
After leaving the kitchen last night, I found myself unable to sleep. When I was with Julius, everything was fine. His presence alone made me feel better, but once he was gone, Teddy’s and my conversation came slamming back into my mind and somehow landed itself on repeat.
Even now, there is no stop or pause button. Everything just keeps playing over and over like a bad song that gets stuck in your head. I let out a deep breath and roll over to my side, hoping a change in position will help me finally get some sleep, but it’s no use. It’s already 8:00 a.m.
I decide to get up and just go about with my day, hoping by tonight my body will be so tired it won’t have a choice but to rest. I walk to my closet and pull out some jeans and a T-shirt, then slip them on. I’m pushing my feet into my tennis shoes when I hear my phone ping.
I pick it up from my nightstand and see a text from Lucas. “Fina-fucking-ly,” I whisper under my breath, but when I read the message, I don’t even know what to say or think.
Lucas: Red Eye. RUBY RED RUM.
I start to type out a reply, but what am I supposed to even say? I’ve called, left numerous voicemails, and texted even more. And now I get some cryptic-ass message that makes zero sense.
I slip my phone in my pocket before grabbing my bag and moving into the hallway. If anyone knows what this means, it’ll be Julius. I walk to his door and tap it lightly.
It’s only a second before he opens it and tips his head. “Everything okay, Flower?”
I pull my phone from my pocket, unlock the screen, then flash at his direction. “Do you know what this means?”
I can see the recognition on his face as he reads the five words. But he doesn’t give me an explanation; instead he turns his back to me, grabs his
jacket, then grips my arm and leads me to the front door.
When he opens it and tries to pull me through, I plant my feet on the marble floor and jerk from his hold. “Can you tell me what’s going on? Is he okay?”
He inhales through his nose, then lets it out through his mouth before scrubbing a hand down his face. “That’s our code word.” He says flatly. “He only uses it for certain situations, and none of them are good, per se. I don’t know why he would text you and not me.”
“Code word? What situations?”
He rolls his eyes. “I’ll explain in the car. Carl!” he yells behind me.
Carl appears from down the hall. Julius tips his head toward the open door. “We need to go to Red Eye.”
Carl walks through the door with a nod, and then Julius follows, dragging me.
“Wait! What about Teddy?” I question. My feet stumble with the inertia of his grip, and I catch myself, taking the steps as graceful as a newborn calf.
Julius lets out a huff. “He’s a big boy, Flower. He’s fine.” I can hear the annoyance in his voice, so I don’t question anymore. He has never given me a reason to not trust him. I pull myself together and quicken my pace, allowing him to free his hold on me.
He opens the back door to the car and motions for me to slide in first as Carl enters the driver’s seat. I can feel the caress of the cold leather through my jeans, and it does nothing but add to the chill running down my spine. I’ve tried to tell myself I don’t love Lucas, and I don’t, not really anyway. At least I don’t think I do. My mind begs to differ, and I question my own emotions by the way my stomach is in knots and my hands are slightly shaking.
Once Julius is in place, Carl starts the car and heads down the drive. The first bit of the drive is silent, but it’s an awkward silence, not like last night.
“Are you going to tell me now or let me walk into something unprepared?” I question quietly.