3: VITAL INGREDIENTS
Measure out 60ml (2fl oz) of vodka and 15ml (½fl oz) of dry vermouth (if you’re making larger quantities, stick to this 4:1 ratio), and pour it over the ice. Lorincz uses Belvedere for the vodka and Cocchi for the vermouth but notes that, because of the olives, “in a dirty Martini you lose some of the flavour of the spirits”.
4: SHAKEN NOT STIRRED
Cradle the shaker horizontally in your right hand, top towards you. Brace it with your left, placing your thumb on the lid. Shake it back and forth vigorously, moving it up and down from chest to head level as you do so. Listen to the noise of the ice. “The longer you shake it, the softer the ice, like going from having stones in the shaker to having sand in the shaker.” When you hear the latter sound – usually after about 15 seconds – it’s done.
5: TAKE THE STRAIN
Strain into a chilled 190ml (6 ½fl oz) Martini glass, shaking the mixer rapidly from side to side to get the liquid out quickly. If you want a drink without tiny pieces of olive in it, you should strain it through a sieve. Finally, add garnish. “Normally we use just one olive, which we drop into the glass.” Feel civilized.
FRIENDS & LOVERS
Human interactions aren’t chess games. They’re messy things, driven by instinct and emotions, and played out within invisible systems of power dynamics. But you can still improve your ability to negotiate your relationships if you drill down on the kind of manageable specifics that you’ll find in this chapter. There are strategies that will immediately put you on the front foot when it comes to detecting a lie, flirting successfully and winning an argument. And where there are rules, it pays to master them. If you’ve ever struggled over hosting a dinner party or buying flowers, struggle no more…
BUY A DIAMOND LIKE A DIAMOND DEALER
So you’re planning on proposing. Congratulations! Also: beware. The diamond market is murky, full of up-selling, half-truths and retail myths. Take the “rule” dictating that you must spend two months’ salary on an engagement ring. That was a clever piece of marketing dreamed up in the Eighties by the gemstone giant De Beers. Customers are now starting to realize, correctly, that you should spend simply what you can afford, but it’s obviously important to get the best for your budget. The first step is to give the big brands a swerve – you’ll likely save considerably if you ask an independent jeweller to source the stones and make a ring for you. The second is to heed this straight-talking advice from Jessica Elliott, Associate Jewellery Specialist at Christie’s auction house…
1: IT’S ALL IN THE CUT
The first thing to get right is the cut, as this is what determines sparkle. The “modern round brilliant” is the most desirable – and for good reason. “They standardized this cut in the Twenties,” explains Elliott. “Every facet, every angle is within a certain set of parameters so that every single bit of light entering the top of the stone is then returned out to your eye.” The quality of a stone’s cut (how closely it adheres to ideal proportions) will determine how sparkly it looks. On the GIA certificate that often comes with a stone (see step 4 ), this will be graded from “excellent” to “poor”. Never go below “good”.
2: GET CLEVER WITH CARATS
A stone’s “carat” is its weight, and prices jump at sought-after weight boundaries. “If you want the look of a two-carat stone, you can get a 1.99 and it will cost much less,” says Elliott. On the other hand, if you want the prestige of a certain carat level, it’s worth buying with a weight margin above the boundary. That’s because if you chip the stone and it needs to be repolished (yes, diamonds can be chipped), it’s unlikely to fall into a lower weight class and lose disproportionate value.
3: THE TRUTH ABOUT COLOUR AND CLARITY
Colour is graded alphabetically from Z (yellow) to D (colourless); clarity is defined on a scale of 11 esoterically named categories from I3 (“included” – inclusions being flaws) to FL (“flawless”). Each step up is a jump in price. However, to the naked eye, anything above H colour will look as good as D, and most stones above VS2 (“very slightly included”) will seem clear. Sometimes, you can even go lower in the clarity scale. “Think about the positioning of the inclusion in the stone,” advises Elliott. “If it’s right on the corner, you could hide it under the claw of the ring setting.”
4: GET CERTIFIED
Make sure an expensive stone comes with a certificate from the Gemological Institute of America (GIA) to guarantee that its specs are what the seller claims. “The GIA is the gold standard.” As the cost of the process is factored into the overall price of the stone, you may not deem a certificate necessary for a smaller diamond, unless you’re paying for very high quality. How to be certain that a certificate relates to your diamond? It will list the carat to two decimal places; have your stone weighed for reassurance.
5: A NOTE ABOUT FLUORESCENCE
Fluorescence devalues a stone. In D to G colours, “medium” to “very strong” fluorescence (in GIA terms) can make the stone appear milky in daylight. However, Elliott notes that if you’ve had to opt for a colour lower down the scale, fluorescence can actually help. “It can cause a subtle blue glow that can make a yellowish stone look better.” Tip: asking about fluorescence is a good way to show expertise, deterring sellers from attempting to overcharge. A similar trick is to ask for details on any inclusions: “Is it a ‘crystal’, a ‘feather’, a ‘pinpoint’…?” Now they know not to mess.
DANCE WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE YOUR DAD
They say dancing is like dreaming with your feet. For the rhythmically challenged, it’s a waking nightmare. The good news is that you don’t have to learn much to look proficient. “With social dancing, less is more,” says John Graham, a hip-hop specialist who has worked with the likes of Beyoncé, Rihanna and Justin Bieber, and now teaches at London’s Pineapple Dance Studios. Confidence is key, he says, so avoid clamping your arms to your sides – it not only looks as if you’re nervous but also inhibits natural movement. No need to go crazy: just keep the arms loose, keep them moving and occasionally snap your fingers to the beat. As for the feet? We asked Graham for five foolproof moves to pull out next time you’re on the dance floor…
1: THE BOUNCE
Position your feet hip-width apart and soften your knees. Bounce gently up and down in rhythm to the music. Got that? Change it up with a regular bounce on one beat, a bounce with a back-left lean on the next, then a regular bounce again. Then repeat – but with a back-right lean this time – and loop the sequence. “You find this move in most street dance styles,” notes Graham. “But you would equate it more with hip-hop.”
2: THE TWO-STEP
Slide your left foot sideways on the first beat, slide the other to meet it on the second, then simply repeat in the other direction. That’s the simple version of the move. You can add some groove by bouncing with each beat, and leaning in the opposite direction when you slide. Pace-wise, Graham advises imagining you’re moving through water. “You know the resistance when you swim? It’s got that kind of slow-motion feel, as opposed to staccato.”
3: THE ROCKSTEADY
This is all in the hips: rock your right hip outward twice, then your left hip outward twice. Once you’re familiar with that, add a “dip” on the second hip rock of each pairing. This means bending your knees and pushing your pelvis backward as the hip is inbound, and straightening up as the hip comes back out again. Repeat on the other side. To finesse this disco staple, twist your torso to the right as you rock your hip to the left side and vice versa.
4: THE GLIDE
Stand on the ball of the right foot and heel of the left. Switch the right on to its heel as you slide the left foot out to the left. Shift up on to the ball of the left as it lands in place and slide the right foot in on its heel, pushing past the left, turning your body 180 degrees and pushing the right up on its ball. At this moment, drop the left foot on to its heel and repeat the whole sequence. “You can just keep doing it around the spot that you are on,” sugge
sts Graham.
5: A ONE-TIME FLOURISH
Soften your knees and kick out your left leg then your right leg, while staying on the spot. Next, jump, turning 90 degrees anticlockwise and crossing the left leg behind the right as you land. Spin anticlockwise on the ball of the left foot and heel of the right simultaneously, bringing the right foot around to meet the left. You’re now facing forward again and ready to keep dancing. Oh, there’s a sixth move we forgot to mention: smile.
GIVE A KILLER FOOT MASSAGE
When superstar musicians need a massage, they call Dot Stein. She started as a teenager giving back rubs to Def Leppard in exchange for free concert tickets, and word of her talents slowly spread throughout the industry. Eventually Charlie Watts, drummer with The Rolling Stones, insisted he pay for his session and she decided to train professionally. Today, Dr. Dot (a moniker given to her by Frank Zappa) lists everyone from Kanye West to Sting via Gwen Stefani on her list of satisfied customers. One of her specialisms is foot massage. So, the big question: what’s the secret to not tickling? “You have to enforce a firm grip from the outset,” she says. For your partner’s benefit, here is her routine. She recommends repeating each move no fewer than three times…
1: ASSUME THE POSITION
Ask your partner to lie down with their feet just off the end of the bed. “A lot of people won’t relax because they’re afraid their feet stink,” says Stein. “So use a nice hot, wet towel to rinse the person’s feet.” Sit in between their legs, facing away from them with your feet on the ground. If you’re starting with their left foot, place it on to your left thigh. Next, warm up a little massage oil in your hands. “Or, if you’re at home and you’re in a pinch, you can use olive oil, you can use walnut oil, you can use rapeseed oil.”
2: DOWN AT HEEL
Interlace the fingers of your two hands. Squeeze their heel between your palms (“It’s a really good feeling just to have someone squish your heel”) and then do the same to their toes. Next, separate your hands and place a palm against the sole of their foot to “hold hands” with their toes. Move up and down their toes with your fingers, so that you’re massaging them all simultaneously.
3: MAKE LIKE A LOBSTER
Curl your thumb toward your palm so that your hand resembles a lobster claw. Put all four fingers on the top of the foot, and the lower, larger thumb knuckle into the arch, supporting the heel with your other hand. “It should feel to them like you’re using a wooden tool to get way up in there.” Next, brace your four fingers against the outside of the foot and drag that thumb knuckle toward your fingers from the inner arch to the outer. To change it up, “hold hands” again with the toes and work the smaller thumb knuckle up and down between the foot bones.
4: GET TOUGH (IN A GOOD WAY)
Place all four fingers on the outside of the heel. Take the smaller knuckle of the thumb and grind it around the edge of the heel. Next, brace the thumb on the side and work the larger knuckle of the index finger into the heel’s centre – this puts pressure on the plantar fascia tissue, which produces a sensation in the sweet spot between pleasure and pain.
5: THERE’S A TWIST AT THE END
Apply a little more oil and place both your hands around the foot, one above the other as if wringing out a towel. Move one hand clockwise and the other anticlockwise. Work up from the ankle all the way to the toes, building in some thumb action on the sole of the foot. “Nothing feels better.” To finish off the massage, take a soft cloth and give each toe a tug. “Not a fast, violent tug but slow and hard – you can feel the toes crack usually. And that’s very relieving.”
FIND OUT IF SOMEONE’S LYING TO YOU
Lies are everywhere. According to Pamela Meyer, the author of Liespotting (2010), you can expect to be on the receiving end of between ten and 200 lies per day, from white lies to more serious deceits. There’s a widespread perception that spotting a lie is a matter of intuition, but Meyer is an expert in its science. Her deception detection techniques are so effective that her company Calibrate consults widely for governmental bodies and private companies, such as hedge funds and law firms. She has developed an effective conversational strategy to get to the truth, which can be broken down to an acronym: B.A.S.I.C. If you are suspicious that an acquaintance is lying to you about something serious and you want to confront them, here’s how to go about it…
1: B(ASELINE)
Study the baseline behaviour of the person in question, so you can assess divergence from the norm. “If someone’s tapping their foot when you ask them a question, it doesn’t mean anything unless they’re normally very calm,” says Meyer. Observe their laugh, gestures and facial reactions – but, most importantly, gauge their vocal tone, speed and pitch, and check out their posture. Voice and posture tend to change the most when someone is lying. Take special note of any tics, so you don’t misinterpret them as “tells” later.
2: A(SK OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS)
Time to interrogate. Choose a location that is quiet, relaxed and with a visible exit, then start a conversation. Ask open-ended questions to avoid sounding accusatory, slowly narrowing them down to get at the information you want. Never ask, “Why?” Instead, ask, “What made you do that?” as it implies they had a legitimate reason. The end phase is to propose stories that rationalize what the person might have done – this makes it more likely that they’ll be honest.
3: S(TUDY CLUSTERS)
As they reply to your more specific questions, look for clusters of verbal and non-verbal signs of duplicity that diverge from the baseline. Verbals include distancing language and repeating questions to stall for time; non-verbals include freezing the upper body, pursed lips, fake smiles and post-interview relief. You need to “raise the cognitive load” in order to cause these signs to leak out – get them to tell their story backward, or give them new information, such as the fact that you have a witness. Ultimately, ask yourself if they shifted from being cooperative to being evasive.
4: I(NTUIT THE GAPS)
Look out for “gaps” in what they’re saying. These could be emotional gaps (they say they’re concerned but their facial expression suggests the opposite), factual gaps between their account and the evidence, behavioural gaps between how they claim to have acted and their normal habits, or logical gaps in the story. Your gut can be good for spotting emotional gaps, but often the most useful analysis is simply comparing how somebody describes a chain of events versus how they logically would have unfolded.
5: C(ONFIRM)
If you believe someone is lying, test your hunch with confirmation questions. “Often we start with, ‘How do you feel about this accusation?’. Someone who’s guilty will blather on in a completely odd way, expressing many different kinds of emotions.” An innocent person, however, will typically be angry about being falsely accused. Another approach is to ask what the consequences should be for the alleged misdemeanour. “Almost universally, a guilty person would recommend leniency.”
FINESSE YOUR FLIRTING
Animals have it easy. When they want to attract a mate, they produce a call that leaves no doubt as to their intentions. For humans, the language of attraction is more ambiguous. While some people are naturally literate in its signs and codes, for others it can seem as inscrutable as Ancient Greek. So how do you send the right signal? And how do you avoid awkwardness or, worse, creepiness? Those questions intrigue Jean Smith. The social and cultural anthropologist conducted 250 interviews with people in London, Paris, New York and Stockholm to investigate flirting behaviours, publishing her expertise in books such as The Flirt Interpreter (2012) and, later, Flirtology (2018). Since she also coaches flirting through events such as TEDx and her business, Flirtology, we asked for a tutorial…
1: GET YOUR HEAD STRAIGHT
The biggest inhibitor to successful flirting is being too frightened to flirt in the first place. It’s crucial to adopt what Smith calls “mental models” to neutralize anxieties. So: are you afraid of rejection? Don’t see flirting a
s a test of your personality (“That would make you scared of rejection”). The mental model should simply be “let’s have fun” – think of it that way and it takes the pressure off. Another useful mental model, if you are nervous about approaching a stranger, is “don’t hesitate, just go”.
2: TAKE THE PLUNGE
Someone has caught your attention. Should you approach? The most important test is eye contact. If it happens multiple times, if they hold your gaze and if it’s accompanied by a small gesture, such as adjusting their clothes, those are good signs. Smile and walk over. Next, stop fretting about your opening line. Smith says that “What do you think of X?”, where X is relevant to something you are both experiencing – the music, a painting – is perfectly good. “It’s already starting to create the ‘us’, and it’s open-ended.”
3: BUILD ON IT
GQ How to Win at Life Page 3