She had just finished with a client at the gym and was leaning on a portable massage table, looking over her notes, when the table legs collapsed, taking her with it. Stunned and slightly bruised from the fall, she’d lain there in a heap until Jake had come to her rescue. One look into his kind green eyes, shining above a slightly crooked nose and a strong jaw with a dimple in the chin, and she was lost. He’d asked her to dinner, telling her he lived in San Francisco and was in town for business. She’d been smitten, despite the fact that he was in the middle of a divorce and had a three-year-old daughter named Sophia.
She’d spent as much time as she could with him for the week he was in town. He took her to an art class on the Lower East Side with a well-known graffiti artist and organized a picnic in Central Park. They also spent many hours entwined together in the heavenly bed in his hotel room.
He was perfect for her in every way except one. Lexa hugged her pillow, remembering how taken aback he’d been when she told him she didn’t want kids. She’d never had the maternal instinct or heard her biological clock ticking. In fact, her biological clock seemed to have died years earlier.
She knew they had no future. He was the first guy in a long time who got her heart pumping as much as a good workout. But he lived in San Francisco, had a child he had joint custody of, and wanted more kids. It was never going to work.
Despite this, she was convinced she was half in love with him by the time he left. No future, Lexa.
Now, she looked at her phone when her text alert sounded.
I’m back. So where were we?
You’re taking me out for my birthday.
Yes, definitely.
They continued to text back and forth until Lexa’s eyes grew heavy.
I need to go to bed. I have a six thirty client tomorrow.
Ouch. And you know I get up at three thirty. He worked in investment banking and operated on Eastern Standard Time.
You should be in bed! Good night!
He sent the emoji of the smiley face with hearts for eyes.
She sent back the red heart emoji and the one waving its hands.
And he followed that with the champagne glasses clinking together, along with the birthday hat and cake.
She sent him the thumbs-up emoji.
A laugh bubbled from inside her. In this day and age, they could have a whole conversation using only emojis. How technological of them. And the added bonus was, she hadn’t thought about her father for a whole hour. Jake was fun, and he made her laugh. That was enough for now.
7
She slept through her alarm and woke at six in a panic. After throwing on a pair of black lululemon leggings and her trainer T-shirt, she brushed her teeth and dragged a brush through her hair, not bothering with makeup. She took Zeus for the quickest pee possible and then ran for the gym, arriving on the gym floor one minute late. Christy Sung was already on a treadmill warming up.
“Morning, Christy.” Lexa panted slightly from her mad dash. “Ready to get started?”
Christy looked at her like a deer caught in headlights, and Lexa reached over to stop the treadmill before she fell off the end.
Christy stepped onto the outer edges, straddling the belt. “I didn’t realize there would be so many people. It wasn’t this crowded when I came yesterday.”
Lexa looked around at the early-morning work crowd. Almost every cardio machine was occupied, and men and women lifted weights on the gym floor as if their life depended on it. From the group cycling studio, the instructor’s voice, amplified by her microphone, yelled, “Come on, I want more. Pump those legs!”
She turned to Christy. “You came at the end-of-the-night peak time yesterday.”
Christy beckoned to her, and Lexa leaned closer. “I don’t know if I can work out in front of all these people,” Christy whispered. “They’re all going to stare at me.”
“No one is paying attention to us. They’re all too busy trying to get their exercise in before work, or else they’re admiring themselves in the mirror.” Lexa gestured with her chin toward a couple. They had weights in their hands but were too busy making muscles and admiring their arms and backsides to be doing much exercise.
Christy giggled and hid her mouth with her hands.
“Come on.” Lexa gently took Christy by the arm. “I’ll be here with you the whole time. The fact that you came here and signed up for sessions is a big step. Some people are so scared of the gym and afraid other people are judging them that they never make it here. So you’ve already taken the biggest, scariest step.”
“I have?” Christy asked in a small voice.
“Yes.” Lexa guided her to a bench. “We’ll start slow and work your way up. Okay?”
“Okay.” Christy looked around, still fearful. “But what if someone makes fun of me? I feel stupid.”
“If anyone says anything, they’ll have to deal with me.” Lexa made a mean face and struck a Kung Fu pose.
Christy smiled. “You look like that girl from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.”
“Oh, yeah?” Lexa relaxed her stance and pulled a low step over. “I studied Kung Fu.”
“No way, that’s so cool,” Christy breathed. “I’m so glad I got you as a trainer.”
Lexa ran her through a set of simple exercises to assess her form, and when they stopped, Christy wiped a hand over her brow. “I’m sweating,” she said in surprise. “I hate sweating.”
Lexa cracked a smile. “You’re going to sweat more once we pick up the pace.”
Before Christy could answer, the guy with the overdeveloped shoulders next to them dropped his massive weights to the floor with a thud.
Lexa gave him a squinty-eyed stare. Dude, if the weights are so heavy that you can’t place them down with respect, maybe you shouldn’t be using such heavy weights.
She turned back to Christy, whose shoulders were hunched. “My father called me last night. He said I was an ungrateful, selfish daughter who should not have moved so far away from them.”
Lexa made a face in sympathy. “Does he say stuff like that a lot?”
“Yes.” Christy looked down. “He’s really strict. And he puts me down all the time. That’s why I started eating, to feel better.”
“That’s tough.” Lexa showed Christy the proper way to do a squat, and Christy copied her. “As your body gets stronger, you’ll feel stronger emotionally too. You may not be able to change what your father says to you, but you can change how you react to it.” People tended to tell their trainers their innermost thoughts. Sometimes she felt like a therapist.
“I want that. That’s why I decided to move out. I knew if I stayed in his house, I’d never feel good about myself.” She looked down. “Sometimes I wish I had a different father.”
“Oh, Christy. No matter how much he hurts your feelings, he’s still your father. You’d miss him if he were gone.” And I would know.
“See, this is why I wanted an Asian woman trainer. I knew you would understand. I feel better already.”
“Well, I don’t exactly understand . . .”
“Oh, that’s right. Your parents are white.”
Lexa could tell Christy was about to ask more questions. She really didn’t want to talk about her family right then, so deflected her with a question of her own. “What about your mother? What’s she like?”
“She defers to my father all the time. She never speaks up for me. She wouldn’t dare go against his wishes.”
They resumed the workout as Christy talked about her mother, and Lexa found herself tuning out, her mind on her own problems. Even just the day before, she would have thrilled at helping a new client and thrown herself 100 percent into this first session. And while she still wanted to help Christy, her head wasn’t all there. Finding out her father had died was making her question why she’d always put her job first. Why hadn’t
she reconciled with him in all these years? Why hadn’t she gone back to Taiwan and claimed her rightful place in the Chang family? Why had she let that woman drive her away from her heritage?
* * *
• • •
“I’m sorry about your father,” Susan said. She handed Lexa a bottle of water and sat on the couch, folding her legs into a lotus position. She was wearing black yoga pants with a pink floral top.
“Thanks.” Lexa couldn’t get over the change in her. A few months earlier, she’d never have pictured her mom, who’d always claimed to be allergic to exercise, doing yoga. Who was this woman?
Lexa fingered a hand-drawn Malaysian batik shawl that was flung over the back of the couch, marveling at the bright colors and intricate design. She shifted uncomfortably, thinking it was strange to be in Phoenix’s apartment when she hadn’t met the woman yet. And even stranger to think this was where her mom lived now, as of this past weekend. Lexa couldn’t wrap her mind around seeing the lopsided green ceramic vase she’d made for her mom years earlier sitting on an unfamiliar shelf, or the gray place mats her mom had made during her sewing phase on the dining table. They didn’t belong there. They belonged in their home in Whitestone.
“What did Hsu-Ling say?” Her mom leaned back on the couch and fixed her eyes on Lexa.
Lexa relayed the conversation she’d had with her sister and then took a gulp of water to soothe her dry throat. Only then did she notice the label on the bottle. “When did you start drinking Evian?”
Susan shrugged. “Phoenix likes it. I bought some Poland Spring, but they’re still in the pantry.”
Lexa gave her mom a look, because Susan had always said people who bought Evian were stupid. Evian was “naïve” spelled backward.
Susan ignored her. “When’s the funeral?”
“There’s a seven-day mourning period, and then his body will be cremated and transferred to a columbarium. They have to wait for the right day to bury him.” Lexa found the Taiwanese funeral customs confusing. “Hsu-Ling said he wouldn’t be buried for a few months.”
“But there will be a funeral after the cremation? Shouldn’t you go back for that?”
“Probably.” Lexa turned to her mom. “But would that be for the best? The family is grieving. I haven’t been a part of their family in twenty-two years. My presence would probably cause chaos. Especially for you-know-who.”
They stared at each other. “You’re probably right,” Susan said.
“As much as I hate her, I don’t think this is the time to confront her.” Lexa dropped her head to the back of the couch, feeling the unfamiliar nubby texture of the tweed fabric against her skin. “I’ve made my peace with the past. I hate that it’s all coming back again.”
She could feel her mom studying her. “Are you sure you’ve made your peace with it? You’ve kept it a secret. I know I was the one who wouldn’t let you go back to Taiwan when you were a child, but I thought you’d reach out to your father once you were grown. But you’ve kept him at a distance.”
“I know. I just . . .” Lexa closed her eyes. “I didn’t trust him anymore.”
“But he was your father. He did reach out to you. He wanted to come visit you.”
“But not right away. By the time he said he wanted to see me, I didn’t care anymore. I had my life here.” Lexa breathed in, and even the lemongrass scent in Phoenix’s apartment was unfamiliar. What was her mom doing there? She should be at home with Greg.
“Are you happy, Lexa?”
Lexa’s eyes popped open. “Yes, of course. I love my job and my life in the city.”
“Maddie’s married with two kids. You’re about to turn thirty-six and still single. All you do is work.” Susan looked down. “Sometimes I think your clients mean everything to you.”
“They are important to me. It’s my job.”
“But it shouldn’t be your life. Don’t you want to get married, have a family?”
“I have Zeus. And I’ve been doing online dating with Andi.”
“How’s that going?”
Lexa shrugged. “Not well, but not for lack of trying.”
“I worry, because you keep saying you don’t want kids. I don’t want what happened with your father to keep you from having your own family.”
“Not everyone wants kids,” Lexa retorted.
Susan shifted on the couch, tucking her legs under. “I hate that you don’t know your Taiwanese family. That you’ve basically cut all traces of your Asian heritage from your life.”
“It doesn’t matter anymore.” Lexa suddenly felt overwhelmingly tired and slouched down so that her feet rested on the wooden coffee table.
“Don’t put your feet on that.” Susan swatted Lexa’s leg.
“What?” Lexa swung her feet to the ground with a thump. They always put their feet up on the coffee table at home.
“Phoenix got that the last time she was in Southeast Asia. It’s very expensive.”
Lexa stared at her. “Seriously?”
“I want to respect her things.” Susan lifted a shoulder and then sighed. “It’s only been a few days since I moved in. We’re still getting used to each other.” When Lexa didn’t reply, her mom asked, “Has Maddie said anything about me? She won’t take my calls.”
“I know. She’s acting like a brat.”
“What about you? Are you okay with me and Phoenix?”
“I don’t know. It’s hard seeing your things in her apartment.” Lexa grimaced. “I’m trying to understand, but I feel so bad for Dad. He called yesterday and asked if I could help him move tomorrow . . .” She broke off. “He sounded so sad.”
Susan’s shoulders drooped. “I thought about not acting on my feelings for Phoenix. I didn’t want to break up our family. But the more I denied my feelings, the more I felt I was living a lie.” She turned unhappy eyes to Lexa. “I couldn’t do that to Greg. Or to Phoenix.”
Lexa laid a hand on her mom’s arm. “I know. I just had no idea you weren’t happy. Or that you felt that way about women.” She’d wracked her brains trying to see if she’d missed a clue over the years. But there was nothing.
Susan gave a dry laugh. “Believe me, I didn’t either. It surprised the heck out of me too.”
“So, um, the way you feel about Phoenix. That was really how you felt about my father?”
“Yes and no.” Susan gazed off into space. “With your father, it was instant connection and chemistry. We met on that beach in Phuket, when my Japanese friends convinced me to go with them to Thailand before I came back to New York.” She sighed. “It was so romantic. We only had a week together, but we were in love. It was so intense and so exciting. We just got each other.”
Lexa smiled, swept away by the emotion on her mother’s face. She loved hearing about how her parents had met and was consoled to know she’d been conceived out of love. “It sounds magical.”
“It was. He told me to call him Alex, his American name.” Susan looked at Lexa, her eyes full of love. “I named you after him.”
“What about Dad? Did you love him like that?”
“It was different. With Greg, it was more gradual, based on trust and respect. He was my best friend. I was five months pregnant with you when we met, and he still wanted to go out with me.” She smiled at Lexa. “And with Phoenix, it’s a combination of the two. We connected, not just physically but also on an emotional level.”
“Oh.” Lexa squirmed, not wanting to think about her mom and Phoenix being physical. Really, what did they do together? They were in their sixties!
“Does talking about Phoenix make you uncomfortable?”
“No!” Lexa said, too fast. And then, “Yes. Maybe.”
“I want to be able to talk to you about her.”
“I know. It’s just so much. You and Phoenix, and now my father dying.”
“I know.” Susan reached out and stroked a hand down Lexa’s hair. “You’ve had quite a shock this week.”
Lexa was quiet, and then turned to her mom. “Do you think he ever loved me?”
“Oh, honey, of course he did. He was so smitten with you.” Susan paused, and her expression hardened. “But I lost all respect for him that last summer. I know he wasn’t perfect.” Susan laid a hand on Lexa’s cheek. “But he made a big mistake, and he lost you.”
8
June, Twenty-Eight Years Ago
Taichung, Taiwan
Susan stood at the front of the traditional Chinese medicine store breathing in the pungent, slightly musty, and bitter odor coming from the shelves and bins of herbs, roots, and flowers. Along one side, a glass countertop ran the length of the shop, where a woman wearing a giant tan apron stood helping Lexa and her father. Behind her, row upon row of small wooden drawers held the more mysterious and expensive items, such as dried insects and parts of animals used to cure or help any kind of ailment imaginable.
It was their last full day in Taiwan before they returned to New York the next day. It had been a whirlwind ten days, filled with so much sightseeing and getting to know the family that Susan’s head was spinning. She’d been nervous to see Jing Tao again, and knew Greg was afraid she was still attracted to Lexa’s father. But to her relief, that spark of attraction they’d had in Phuket had simmered to a mutual respect and understanding. Susan truly loved Greg. Their relationship had started out as a friendship for her, but she’d fallen in love with him over the years. She and Jing Tao were different people now, grown-up and each with their own families.
Pong and Jing Tao had taken Susan and Lexa shopping on their last day. Hsu-Ling had wanted to come, but her leg was red and irritated from walking so much this week and a half. Pin-Yen had ordered her to stay home and practice her Chinese characters. Susan had been surprised that a four-and-a-half-year-old could already write so many characters.
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