The Queen of Diamonds

by Raven Cavalleu

  Dani smiled at Rachel as she said, "I would love to. I've always wanted to go to Italy. We have our passports ready, but we've never had the opportunity. This might be as close as we'll ever get."

  Alex picked up the bottle of wine and said, "Well, in that case, let's enjoy some wonderful Italian wine and scenery."

  Together they headed into the living room where she pulled up a slide show, and began to show off her pictures of Italy.

  Chapter Ten

  As Alex headed down the stairs, she heard voices coming from the kitchen, and turned to investigate. She leaned against the doorway as she watched Caitlyn help Maria put away groceries. Caitlyn was twenty-two years old, and over the last couple of years had finally put on enough muscle to fill out her six-foot frame beautifully. Her chestnut hair fell in waves about her shoulders, and her tank top displayed her early summer tan. Alex had always been envious of her ability to tan so easily due to her southern Italian heritage. She smiled as she watched her snatch an apple from the basket and take a bite. "Maybe if you didn't eat so much, you wouldn't be that freakishly tall."

  Caitlyn's head whipped around and her eyes lit up when she saw her in the doorway. She dropped her apple on the counter and raced over with her arms open wide. "Alex!"

  She pushed off the doorframe and stepped into her arms. Caitlyn picked her up and twirled her around in circles as she laughed. "Put me down, Amazon."

  Caitlyn lowered her to her feet with a grin and said, "Better than being a Pigmy." She chuckled as she sidestepped Alex's playful swipe. "You used to be faster than that."

  Alex pointed down to the brace she wore on her left knee. "I'm not as fast on my feet as I used to be."

  Caitlyn quickly sobered. "Mom told me you were in an accident. How are you doing?"

  "I'm good, but won't be able to do our normal workout with you this trip. It's not like you really need it anyway." She gave the young woman a hug. "It's so good to see you. What are your plans for the day?"

  She shrugged and grabbed her apple. "No big plans. I thought I'd help Mom with breakfast, and then I was hoping we could hang out for a little while. Get caught up. If that's okay with you."

  "Sounds like a plan to me. I've got therapy this morning, but we can work around that."

  Caitlyn took another bite of the apple as she thought about it. "Maybe I could watch. I might actually learn something."

  Alex was taken aback for a moment then started to chuckle. "I don't think so, kiddo. You'd learn far more than either one of us would be comfortable with." Caitlyn's brows furrowed as her head tilted to one side slightly. "Physical therapy is tomorrow." She waited silently to see if she would need to expound further.

  Caitlyn's eyebrows shot up as her eyes widened, and her mouth opened, then snapped shut, before she finally said, "You mean to tell me you're seeing a shrink?"

  "Everyone always says that like it is a horrible thing." They both turned towards the door as Rachel walked into the kitchen, shaking her head with a playful scowl on her face.

  "Don't you find it's usually those that haven't had therapy that say it like that though?" Alex asked as Caitlyn's eyes moved quickly between the two women. "I think it's because they're secretly jealous." She gave Caitlyn a playful jab. "Caitlyn this is Rachel, my good friend and shrink. Rachel this is Caitlyn."

  "Nice to meet you, Caitlyn. I hear you are quite the pitcher."

  Caitlyn's eyes narrowed as she glared at Alex before reaching out to accept Rachel's extended hand. "It’s a pleasure."

  "Get over yourself, Amazon. It's not like you are the topic of conversation in my therapy sessions." Alex rolled her eyes. "Rachel happens to be a big softball fan and knows who you are. Why don't you go help your mother for a while? I'll come and find you when we finish."

  Caitlyn gave a quick nod as she said, "Sounds like a plan. I'll see you later. It was nice to meet you, Rachel."

  A little more than an hour later, Alex tossed another tissue in the trash and sighed. "I thought this was supposed to get easier."

  Rachel put her arm around Alex's shoulders and pulled her close. "It will, honey. I promise." She wiped a tear from her cheek. "Just give it some time." Alex leaned into her embrace and rested her head on her shoulder. "We've made a lot of progress already. Cut yourself some slack."

  "I'll try." Alex gave Rachel a squeeze before pulling away and leaning back into the couch. "I'm just so tired of hurting, and tired of being controlled by my fears." She wiped the tears from her cheeks and closed her eyes as she rested her head against the back of the couch with a sigh.

  Rachel watched her closely as she asked, "When are you going to tell Nikki and Dani who you are?" Alex sat up, her eyes growing wide. She watched as Alex began to shake and her breath came faster. "Why does the thought of telling them cause you such anxiety?"

  Alex stood and began to pace, wringing her hands as she moved about the room. "I'm afraid it will change everything."

  "What do you think will change?"

  Alex ran her hand through her hair as she stared out the window. "I want them to be with me because they like me, not for…this." She raised her hands and gestured around the room before placing her hand over her heart. "I want them to love me for who I am inside, not what I can provide."

  Just beginning to understand the issue, Rachel probed further. "How did Jo love you?"

  Alex gave a disgusted grunt. "Jo never loved me. She loved what I could give her. She loved the big house, fast cars, fancy clothes, and the idea of me. She loved to show me off to the world as hers, but she never loved me. No one ever has."

  "I do, and so do Nikki and Dani. They love the person you've shown them you are. Telling them the rest won't change how they feel about you, Alex."

  "I'm just not ready yet."

  "You know you can trust them don't you?"

  She barely heard Alex's whispered reply of, "I think so, but can I trust me?"

  Caitlyn looked over at Alex's puffy, red-rimmed eyes and asked, "Is it always that bad?"

  "What?"

  "The therapy sessions. Are they always so painful?" A wrinkle appeared between Alex's eyebrows as she frowned. "I'm sorry. I just don't remember the last time I saw you cry, and it's obvious that you did this morning. I just wondered…" She shrugged and looked down at her hands clasped in her lap. "I'm sorry. It's none of my business."

  Alex reached over and took one of her hands, lacing their fingers together. "It's okay, and to answer your question, no. This was a particularly painful session. Some days are relatively easy, almost like it's just conversation between friends. Other days, it's like Rachel is reaching in and ripping out a part of me with every question she asks and each issue discussed." She gave her a small smile and a shrug. "Today was just one of those days."

  "Are you…" Caitlyn paused.

  She squeezed her hand. "It's okay."

  She looked down into Alex's eyes and asked, "Is it helping?"

  "I think so, yes."

  "Good. Even with the rough morning, you seem to be a lot happier than I can remember you being in a long time." She bumped her shoulder against Alex's. "Mom said you even have friends again."

  "I do."

  "I'm glad. I was worried about you. You've been so withdrawn." Alex silently nodded. "It really made me sad to see how much you changed when Jo came into your life. We hoped that would change once she was gone and were concerned when it didn't."

  She looked out the back windows at the lake as she thought about it. "I didn't see what was happening until it was too late."

  "It's never too late." As Alex began to shake her head in denial, Caitlyn continued. "You sent Jo packing, and now you are reaching out for your friends. You are getting professional help, and I'm proud of you for that."

  "I don’t know if I'll ever be the old me again. My ability to trust has been severely compromised. I don’t even trust myself sometimes."

  "What do you mean?"

  Alex let go of her hand and reached for her glass of tea
as she thought about the question. "I question my decisions far more than I ever used to." She took a drink and returned the glass to the coffee table. "Why did I make the decision I made? Was it a decision based on fact or fear? Did I make the right one? Should I change it? There are just so many questions. I used to trust myself, now I don't. I’m so afraid of making the same mistakes again."

  She looked away as her eyes began to fill with tears. "Now more than ever, I question everyone else's motives." She closed her eyes against the press of emotions. "Nikki is the polar opposite of Jo. There really is no comparison and yet I find myself wondering why she's with me. If we have even the smallest disagreement I find myself cowering from her, afraid she is going to hit me." She sighed and smiled as she felt Caitlyn place her head on her shoulder. "I know it hurts her and I've gotten better, but I don't know how to stop."

  They sat in silence for a moment before Caitlyn asked, "Are you really afraid Nikki would hurt you?"

  "No. That's just it. I know deep down that she would never raise a hand against me, so why do I still flinch when she reaches for me?"

  "For the same reason an abused dog does. It takes time to learn to trust again."

  Alex chuckled. "So I'm a dog now huh?"

  Caitlyn pulled away and looked at her with a gleam in her eye. "You do remind me of a Yorkie." She stood up and took a quick step away. "Little, prissy, yappy, and timid." She smirked at the startled look on Alex's face.

  Alex jumped to her feet. "I am not. Take that back." Her eyes narrowed and her nostrils flared as she took a step closer. "I'm none of those things and you know it."

  "You are little."

  She placed her hands on her hips. "Just because I'm not an Amazon doesn't mean I'm little."

  "Really? What exactly would you call it?"

  "I'm average."

  As she walked into the room Nikki heard Alex's comment and said, "I'm not sure what you're talking about, but I would never call you average."

  Alex's eyes lit up and her lips lifted in a smile as she walked across the room and embraced the woman that had just spoken. Caitlyn felt some of her fears for Alex's future fade as they kissed, their love obvious.

  When their lips finally parted, Nikki said, "Extraordinary or amazing, not average."

  "You hear that? I'm amazing."

  Caitlyn chuckled. "You're right, you are amazingly short."

  She glared playfully. "Don't make me hurt you, Amazon."

  "I'd like to see you try, Pygmy."

  Nikki reached out and placed a hand on her arm. "Why don't you introduce me instead?" Her smile slowly slipped away as Alex turned and she noticed the effects of her earlier crying jag for the first time. "Is everything all right, sweetheart?"

  "Yes, cara." Nikki's eyebrows drew down slightly and her lips pressed together. "I promise. I just had a rough session today." She gave her a smile as she reached for her tentatively. She stepped into Nikki's arms and placed her cheek against her chest, listening to the strong thumping of her heart.

  "I'm sorry you hurt. I wish I could make it easier for you, make it all go away so you wouldn't hurt anymore."

  She pressed closer as she whispered, "You do, mia cara, you do." She pulled away slightly, her eyes meeting Nikki's briefly before coming to rest on her lips. Her grip on her arm tightened as she licked her lips and her eyes darkened with desire.

  "Don't forget we have company, love. Why don't you introduce me?"

  Alex took a deep breath and a step back. "Of course." She reached down and laced her fingers through Nikki's as she gently pulled her further into the room. "Nikki this is Caitlyn, Maria and Ilario's daughter. She's home from school for the weekend." She released her hand and slipped her arm around her waist as she turned towards Caitlyn. "Caitlyn this is Nikki."

  Several days later Alex awoke in Nikki's arms, and thought about the last few weeks with a smile. She was happy for the first time in a long time. Nikki was an incredibly attentive and enthusiastic lover, and their relationship was growing stronger day by day. She had officially moved into the master suite, and out of Dani and Rachel's house. Between her work with Rachel and her new found trust, her fear of falling victim to domestic abuse again was vanishing. She no longer worried about angering Nikki, and didn't flinch away from her in fear.

  She snuggled in closer and turned her thoughts to her plans for the day. She'd started a new AMore book, and hoped to find some time to work on it, but knew it may have to wait until Nikki went to work tomorrow. "What are you thinking about?" Nikki asked as she ran her hand down her bare back.

  "I was wondering what the weather was going to be like today. I thought maybe we could grab the camera, and go for a walk down by the lake. What do you think?"

  "That sounds good. I haven't gone on a hike for a long time. Just don't forget we have dinner tonight with your friend Kelly."

  "Right." She rolled over, grabbed her tablet from the table, and pulled up the weather. "It's going to be a beautiful day." She sat up suddenly, her brow furrowed.

  "What's wrong?"

  Alex turned, her eyes wide. "It's almost June." Nikki nodded and waited for her to explain further. "I didn't realize." She looked back down at her tablet, verifying the date. "The anniversary is coming up." She looked back at Nikki with a shadow of sadness in her eyes. "I always go visit their graves on the anniversary. Would you go with me this year?" she asked tentatively.

  Nikki pulled her into her arms. "Of course I will, sweetheart. Just tell me when, and I'll be there." She pulled back and gave her a quick kiss. "How long will we be gone? I'm not sure how much time I can get off at work, but I'll see what I can do."

  "Just a couple of days. Are you sure you don’t want me to call Rachel and cancel my appointment for today?"

  "I'm sure. They seem to really be helping you, and I don't want to interrupt the flow. I think you have a lot more to deal with, and I'm hoping that you'll get to the point where you feel comfortable sharing with me. I feel like you're still holding a big part of yourself back." She leaned over and placed a kiss on her cheek. "After the session we'll have the rest of the day together," she said as she climbed out of bed and headed for the bathroom.

  Alex pulled up the calendar on her tablet, and checked the dates. "The seventh is a Saturday this year. Do you think you can take off that Friday through Sunday?" she called out.

  Nikki stepped into the open doorway and asked, "Are you sure you only want to take a couple of days? That doesn't seem like very long."

  "I just need a few minutes to place flowers on the graves, and say hello. The rest of the time is for us. I thought maybe we could do a little sight seeing."

  She walked over and stood beside the bed. "What do you think about looking for your family while we're there?" She saw the surprise flash across Alex's features, quickly followed by anger. She held up her hands, stopping her from speaking as she said, "It's just a suggestion. If you remember, you're the one that told me not to waste any time. You could lose them and never get another chance. Please just think about it." she placed a quick kiss on her cheek before backing away. "I'm going to get in the shower."

  Alex watched her walk away, and thought about what she said. As angry as she still was with her mother's family, she realized she just might be right. With that thought fresh in her mind, she wondered why she was still holding back. She knew Nikki loved her for who she was now, not who she used to be, or for what she could provide. 'So why am I still hiding?' she thought. She placed the tablet on the bedside table, and began to make the bed.

  As she worked, she thought about all of the reasons she had for hiding in the first place. She realized that Nikki and Dani had proven to her early on that they cared about her, not material things, and that she should have been honest with them a long time ago. With the decision to reveal her secrets made, she began to think about how she was going to tell them. The thought of explaining, and her fear of their reaction, caused her anxiety to rise. "It doesn't have to be done today," she told
herself as she shook off her fear and headed for the bathroom.

  "Something's bothering you today, Alex. What is it?" Rachel asked. She watched as Alex struggled with the decision of whether or not she should tell her. "Why don't you tell me about it? Maybe I can help."

  Alex ran her hand through her hair. "The anniversary of the day my life changed forever is less than two weeks away. I invited Nikki to go visit their graves with me."

  "So what's bothering you?"

  "She wants me to search for my mother's family."

  Rachel sat back in her chair. "Why does that trouble you?"

  She stood and began to pace through the small room. From the door, she walked five paces to the opposite corner, turned and walked back. "They turned their backs on me when I needed them most. Why would I want to know them?" She continued to pace while Rachel sat quietly and waited. "She threw my own words back at me, telling me I shouldn't wait any longer because I could lose them at any time." She stopped and sighed. "I don’t know what to do, Ray."

  "What does your heart tell you?"

  Alex sighed. "That I should listen to Nikki, and consider trying to find them. I just don't know."

  "You won't know until you find them and talk with them, Alex. Until then, you don't really know why things happened the way they did." Rachel gestured towards Alex's empty chair. "Why don't you sit down so we can talk about this?"

  She sank into her chair, and spent the rest of her session discussing her family. Once her session was over, she and Nikki headed outside with her camera, and lunch, to hike beside the lake.

  Alex opened the door to see Kelly standing on the front porch beside a strikingly beautiful woman with hair the color of spun gold. She greeted them with a smile and welcomed Kelly and Natalie into her home. As she closed the door behind them, Nikki walked up and joined them in the entry. Kelly looked at her with a smile and raised eyebrows. "You cut your hair."