Wizard for Hire

by Jack Simmonds

  The cafe itself was like a time warp from the 1960’s, a proper greasy spoon. The sound of a big fryer in the kitchen sizzling bacon and sausages mixed in with the television on the wall showing 24/7 news, and a light smattering of working class conversations across the half-full tables.

  Felix took a table against the wall, something told me this was his usual spot. Nodding to a man behind the counter who I presumed was Sid, a middle aged bloke with a dusting of shaggy greying hair. A big protruding beer belly poked out under his apron, but at least he looked like he knew his way around tasty, unhealthy food.

  Felix took his baseball cap off and ruffled his hair, lined with a layer of sweat from running. Sid, without a word, came over and poured two mugs of tea for us, from a large, well-used steel teapot. The tea was well stewed. I was grateful for something warm, soothing and familiar after the day I’d had.

  “So,” I started. “You going to tell me what the flip just happened?”

  Felix rubbed his eyes, slumping back against the wall, now he looked tired. “It was a demon.”

  Now, I am a skeptical sort of person, I like to see proof that something is real. And I had seen that proof with my own eyes, but I couldn’t just drop everything and trust this man. “What do you mean, a demon?”

  “A worker-demon. To be more precise.”

  “Oh that clears it up,” I said sarcastically. “Would you care to elucidate?”

  Felix grinned. “Nice word, might use that myself. Elucidate.”

  I let out a sigh, and Felix must have recalled what I said earlier, in the car, about the book. For he sat up straight, and looking into his tea started to talk.

  “A worker demon is something that has to be summoned by a wizard. It does the wizard’s bidding when the wizard is either too busy, doesn’t want to be seen, or can’t fulfil that particular area of magic.”

  I wondered if I should perhaps be taking notes. “So what was this particular worker-demon doing?”

  “The wizard that broke into that bank and killed Brett the security guard, must have left in a mad panic, presumably because he saw the bank had already been broken into moments before. He was already spooked because he killed Brett and forgot to destroy the evidence that showed he was there. He sent the worker-demon there when he realised that it was swarming with a police investigation, and moi, and quickly acted getting the demon to set what we call a Purple Incandium — that’s the posh name for it — the purple fire doesn’t destroy the building, just any evidence you may have left. It’s like artificially intelligent fire.”

  “Fascinating,” I said involuntarily. At this, the wizard seemed to puff-up. He was as open to praise as he was damaged by criticism.

  Asking how he knew Karen Magdalen, he spoke with a newfound smile on his face. “Did some work for her, didn’t know she was police at the time. She contacted me out the blue one day, three years ago, said a friend passed her my details. This poltergeist was giving her bother, so I removed it. Rather tricky old bugger that was. I’ll tell you about it sometime.”

  He grinned a wry grin, recalling the experience. “Nearly killed me it did. Anyway, we became friends from there. And I’ve been trying to negotiate regular work with her side of the police ever since. London is teeming with magic Norton, there’s so much work!” he cried, slamming a fist on the table. Some people behind him jumped and looked round. “She’s my only contact in the police. And for some reason, she seems to like me. Even though she pretends she doesn’t. And she’s a believer.”

  “I assume a believer is your word for someone that is open to the possibility that magic is real?”

  “Of course. Problem is, her husband is higher up in the police, and he hates me. Thinks I’m a charlatan.”

  Sid brought two plates of food over. A full English breakfast. Not one jot did I care that it was 5pm in the afternoon, and it was starting to get dark, so hungry was I, that I didn’t care to moan about eating a breakfast this late.

  Sadly, when Sid lowered the plates, his brown stained cloth that hung over his shoulder dipped into my baked beans. I thought he might take it back and get me another plate, but he didn’t. I was too cowardly to say anything.

  Even the wizard’s eating habits were strange. With one slice of bread, he put one piece of everything on his plate; beans, sausage, egg, bacon, black pudding, hash brown, mushrooms. The ingredients in this breakfast-mixture-sandwich, split the bread and fell out. But that didn’t stop him eating it anyway as it all fell in a big mess back onto his plate. He tried to say he had not eaten all day, hence his rabid appetite, but it just came out as a garbled mass of barely comprehensible words.

  Half way through his food, he took a break, wiping his mouth incessantly with a paper napkin. “So, now they think it’s me what dunnit’. Don’t blame them. I’d come to the same conclusion. Actually, no I wouldn’t.”

  “Why did they arrest you this morning in the first place?”

  “Because they wanted some free advice from a working wizard. They know I used to be involved in shady goings-on, and think I know every magical criminal in this wonderful cesspit of a town. I didn’t have to let them take me to the station, they don’t have anything to constrain a wizard, handcuffs won’t work,” he giggled taking a glug of tea. “But I let them arrest me, because then they revealed all this lovely information in their questioning.”

  “You let them arrest you, so you can find out what’s going on?”

  “Yep. It’s imperative to my work that I know what’s happening in the underworld of London crime.”

  I pointed a finger. “What about that witness that saw you chucking jewellery out your pockets?”

  “That witness saw someone of my description,” he corrected. “Anyway, that witness is a good friend.”

  “You arranged it!” I cried flabbergasted, coming to understand. “They had just enough evidence to arrest you, but not enough to take it further, reveal all the useful information to you, and then ask for your help,” I said, sitting back in amazement at the sheer balls required to do something like that. It was unbelievable.

  He shrugged taking a bite of toast. “Gotta do what ya’ gotta do.”

  After our plates were taken away and the light outside had turned to black, or as black as it can in central London, the wizard enclosed his fingers together and fixed me with a stare. “You will need to learn self-defence if you plan on sticking around with me,” he said matter of factly. “I suggest Krav Maga, it’s the most useful and quickest to learn. There’s an intensive class up the road from our house, go 3 times a week—”

  “Hang on, hang on,” I said waving a hand. “Who said anything about me sticking around with you?”

  The wizard grinned. “Course you are going to. Today has been the most exciting day in your boring little life. You write a book about me, I will show you excitement, wonder and magic.”

  “Who says I want exciting?”

  “Your eyes have looked alive in the last hour. When I first met you they were dull, little grey things, lifeless, bored. Your posture hung like a damp flannel. You spoke like an undertaker. Look at you now, scared shitless, but the adrenaline pumping through your veins is better than any drug. You look pumped like a bodybuilder after a heavy workout. You look alive.”

  It was hard to argue with such a charismatic, well meaning statement. It was also true, I did feel alive for the first time in a long time. I wish at the time I had said “yes, but for how much longer will I be alive?”

  “London is teeming with magic,” he said with a flurry. “You can feel it. More than all other cities. London is built on an energetic centre, a crossing of huge ley-lines. Which has made this city the energetic capital of the world. Thus, that energy attracts all sorts of strange and weird people, like a moth to light.”

  “Why me?” I said after a few seconds pause. “I mean, there’s plenty of other people out there, far better than I, who would write a book about you, I mean you’re a wizard for fuck sake.”

&
nbsp; “It has to be you Norton.”

  I sighed and sat back in the chair. “One part of me wants to just go home, back to my old house and forget this ever happened.”

  “Too late now.”

  “Why?” I barked.

  Felix rolled his tongue. “The demon has seen you. It will report you back to its master. I am 99% certain it will come back for us.”

  “99% is not certain,” I muttered, feeling a wrench that my old, comfortable life was dying a quick death.

  “I suggest staying close to me, if you want to stay alive.”

  A second later the doors to the cafe swung wide open, in stepped a tall serious looking man. He wore a long grey mac and trilby hat. Felix cursed, straight to anger at the sight of him, turning his face to the wall in some pathetic attempt at hiding.

  The man spotted him and barked: “Felix Freeman, you are under arrest!”

  7

  Seven Steps to Avoid a Demon

  Felix still didn’t turn his head away from the wall, like a shy child, until this man had marched through the cafe and placed a large hand on his shoulder.

  “Earth to Felix,” said the man jovially.

  Felix turned his head in a slow fashion, reminding me somewhat of an owl, before looking at the man. “Alister,” said Felix, in a voice that rippled with resentment. “How the devil are you?” he could not have sounded less genuine if he tried.

  “Very well, in fact, very well.”

  So this was the famous Alister, who I had gathered from the conversation at the police station, was another wizard. He ran the wizarding private investigation company: PI Wizz, if I remembered rightly. He stood like a confident city salesman with a white smile so bright you could use him in a toothpaste advert. Classically good looking, what I would call a ‘proper man’; tall, dark and handsome. Turned out he was only joking about arresting Felix.

  Alister’s eyes fell on me, waiting for Felix to introduce us. But the moment didn’t come.

  “I’m his er…” I started, wondering what I was to him. A friend was pushing it. But it was rude to say acquaintance, wasn't it?

  It didn’t matter much, for Felix saved my blushes. “He’s my apprentice,” said Felix puffing himself up with pride.

  “Ahh,” Alister eyed me playfully. “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice. Where have I heard that before?”

  Felix cleared his throat in an annoyed way.

  “You might know me,” he said in a loud, brash voice that carried through the cafe causing a few uptight people to look around in an aggravated way. This put me on edge. “I run PI Wizz, with a colleague, our office is opposite Scotland Yard.”

  I shook his hand, and felt his business card slide into mine — was that by magic or just good sleight of hand? It was hard to tell. The business card was really cool, probably the best card I had ever seen.

  PI Wizz — Alister & Bundy, Wizard Private Investigators, stood in the centre of the card in curling golden font. Before fading out like a film title. An orange spurt of light shot out of the card into the air in front of me, into a line of numbers. I looked around the cafe, but no one had noticed.

  “Call me if you ever need some assistance.” I knew what he was hinting at — he, like everyone else it seemed, didn’t trust Felix. Alister turned his attention back to Felix, taking a seat.

  “Oh, he’s sitting down now, that’s good,” Felix muttered failing to hide his disappointment.

  Alister looked like he was enjoying himself. The relationship they seemed to have reminded me of two brothers. Alister taking the older brother role, talking down to Felix, winding him up, with an air of disapproval about his life choices. “So,” he said. “How’s business?”

  Felix didn’t look at Alister once, keep his gaze fixed firmly on his mug of tea. “Good… very good indeed. Great in fact.”

  “Oh that’s good. Last thing I heard was in The Sanctuary,” he looked at me and said in a patronising voice. “That’s a pub for wizards,” before turning back. “The guys in there seem to think that you’re stone broke? So I am glad you’ve managed to rectify your economical situation.”

  “Yep.”

  “So we’re all doing well! Of course if I keep catching all these criminals, I won’t have any work left…” he giggled playfully. “Mind you, at the moment we have so much work we’re turning it away!”

  Felix pursed his lips.

  Alister stood and fished inside his pocket and pulled out the largest wad of bank notes I’ve seen. It must have been thousands. I heard Felix made a small squeak at the sight of it. “Tell you what, seeing as I am in a generous mood, I will pay for your dinners.”

  Felix stiffened and waved a hand. “Put your money away Alister, I told you we’re quite alright.”

  “We?” he mused. “So you two are an item then?”

  Felix looked perplexed at the question. “An item?”

  “No we are not!” I said.

  Alister raised his hands in surrender. “Fair enough, just asking.”

  There was something about the way Alister spoke, the comments were loaded, like there was an agenda to this little visit. And I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

  Felix turned his whole body away. “I don’t want your filthy money…” he said into his mug. “What did you do to get that sort of money anyway? Rob a bank?”

  “Ah, well I am glad you mentioned that.”

  Sid came over, placed a mug down and filled it for Alister, before silently topping ours and retreating. This meeting must be a semi-regular occurrence because he looked to be on named terms with both the wizards.

  Alister leant closer. “Interesting isn’t it? That I learn Felix Freeman is as broke as a poor man’s bike. The next day, I hear he’s allegedly been involved in a break in of a bank. What conclusion should I come to?”

  Karen Magdalen’s voice replayed, when she advised me of Felix: “That man is more trouble than he is worth, it’s not worth getting involved with…”

  I was starting to see what she meant, for there was not one person we had met today that had a good word to say about the man. But still, I was beyond fascinated.

  On hearing these words, Felix bristled with anger. So much so, that I felt a static charge like when you pull a fleece over your head, it enveloped the surrounding area.

  “How dare you!” Felix said in a small voice. “Karen asked for my help, what happened was unfortunate, but nothing to do with me.” He said, voice like acid.

  Alister leaned a little closer still. “What happened? Tell me and I will help you.”

  “Bull-shit! The only person you help is yourself.”

  Felix stood sharply from his chair, which scraped along the floor. “Come on Norton, we’re leaving.”

  “Yes run along,” said Alister smiling, with the look of a father who knew his son’s moods too well. “But now it’s a murder investigation, they all but begged for my services, paying way more than I feel comfortable with charging. But that’s business. If you help me, I will help you.”

  Felix stopped dead as he was putting his coat on. “You came in here to find out if I did it. You don’t want to help me. You’ve never helped me. Why start now? You want me behind bars, and you always have. You’re as slippery as a…” Felix struggled for a metaphor. “Bar of soap in prison.”

  He put his cap on backwards, brushing his hair back. “Sid!” he called. “Stick the bill on the slate.”

  Sid nodded once and returned to his newspaper. Felix leant down to Alister and whispered. “I didn’t do it.”

  I followed Felix dutifully, leaving Alister at the table. We were halfway across the cafe when Alister carried on talking. “I will catch you one of these days, and I can feel it won’t be long now. You are bad through and through.”

  Felix stopped dead. That static feeling returned, it made my hair feel like it was upside-down. Alister came to stand in a slow methodical way. Tension felt thick and I am sure would have ignited if exposed to a flame.

  “Every
one will come to realise what you are: a criminal. A user of black magic,” he said black magic in a way that I would have said: child molester. “It won’t take them long to find that you are bad through and through. And that it was you… who killed your own mother.”

  That was the fuel the tension needed. Felix’s face screwed into pain and livid anger. All I saw next was a flash of his coat, he spun, arms a-wide like he was throwing a baseball. In his outstretched hand collected a contact-lens shaped collection of pink light. There was this split second of silence as his fingers closed around the spell, it sucked all noise from the nearby vicinity. His fingers released. Sound returned. Like one huge rush of wind through trees, the spell expelled at Alister like a bolt of lightning. The burst of pink light, scorched through the air. But Alister was ready for it, lazily flicking his wand at it, and sending it into the ceiling with a loud: THWACK!

  Plaster and dust fell to ground, around the feet of the cafe occupants who had ducked beneath the tables.

  “NOT IN MY CAFE!” Sid screamed charging round the counter at them. “BOTH OF YA’ OUT!”

  Felix stormed out, in a huge huff and, as I followed I heard Alister say he would cover the cost of repairs.

  My heart was beating so fast at this most outrageous and obvious performance of magic as to render me dumbfounded.

  Felix stormed aimlessly around Westminster for a while, with no obvious destination. Simply expending his anger. Muttering resentfully, cursing Alister over and over. After a while of this, he decided it may be a good idea to go and collect my car. Grateful at this sudden emergence of common sense, and wondering where on earth it had grown from, we set forth, back towards Paddington Green.

  “They will be on the look-out for us though,” he said. “So, put your hood up. We’ll take the Underground, it will be so packed no one will notice us.”

  We snuck out of Edgware Road Underground, which was opposite the police station we were at earlier, hoods up. I paid the bill on the car, with no offer for payment from the wizard whatsoever. Once inside the comforting familiarity of the car Felix turned to me. “We need to do laps.”