by B C Morgan
It’s all over now, the danger is gone or at least I think it is. Devon isn’t convinced but I won’t stay in his weird arse compound for the rest of my life and I won’t stay in London. Too much has gone down, I can’t cope with this hellhole anymore. The only thing is, do I want any of the guys to come with me if they choose to do so?
“Leighbear, can I come in?” Ever the gentleman, I don’t want to lose Noah but I can’t be with anyone right now not physically, at least not yet. I haven’t even begun to recover and if anyone could respect that and be willing to wait, it’s Noah.
Opening the door, he looks like utter horseshit. I hate that this stems from his worrying, he had the news he and his family had been hoping for but he isn’t celebrating it because he’s here with me. Am I only capable of bringing misery to people’s lives?
“How are you doing?” he asks, as he steps into my room but is careful not to brush against me.
I know this is what I want and need but part of me, the masochist within, wants him to ignore my request and take me in his arms and prevent me from pushing him any farther away.
“As well as can be expected, honestly Noah, I want to leave here. Not just this damn building, but London, this entire fucking area. I don’t want it anymore,” my voice is rising and I can’t take it. Nothing is setting me off, so I don’t know why I suddenly feel the need to send my lamp careening through the air and smashing against the window.
Glass is falling everywhere, inside and out and all I can do is stand here and watch the destruction. This is all I am, a destructive entity, built to destroy and hurt. Noah doesn’t deserve my baggage, I have to set him free.
“Leighbear, tell me how to help you. All I want to do is pull you into my arms and prove to you that everything will be okay now, but I can’t and I feel helpless,” his voice is breaking but I can’t let it affect me, if I do I’ll never get through this.
“You don’t know what helpless is Noah, try being restrained to a chair and blasted with ice cold water from a hose that pacts so much force you can’t believe it didn’t strip your flesh from your bones. Having your fingers snapped because it was the lesser of two evils or your shoulder dislocated and feeling thankful because it wasn’t scalding hot water or a bat to the knee,” I’m toe to toe with him, my chest is pounding and my eyes are stinging. “You think you’re helpless, how the fuck do you think I felt?”
“Leighbear, I’m sorry. I didn’t come here to make things worse for you, I only want to be with you,” his hands are shaking and flexing at his side, I hate that the movement makes me want to cower away even though I know in my heart he would never hurt me.
“I think you should go and I don’t just mean from this room or this place but from my life,” exhaling hard, I connect my eyes with his and I can see as his shutters fall down. “I release you Noah, live the life you want and forget about me. I’m too fucked up to keep you and I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay again,” I can’t look at him anymore, I’m in shreds and I may as well be bleeding on the floor with how destroyed I feel.
“Fuck you Henleigh,” if my head whips up any faster I’ll get whiplash, the vehemence in his voice is stripping me bare and I don’t know how to react. He steps closer and his hand comes up next to my cheek but it isn’t touching me. I can feel the air stirring and it’s taking everything I have to not lean into his touch.
“I’m not yours to release and I can do whatever I want with my fucking life, even if that means following you to the ends of the earth or waiting for you to open your stubborn arse eyes and see that I am here and I always will be. I want you and I love you and you are more than worth the wait, I’m not going anywhere so get used to it. I’ve been waiting for you my whole life, I can wait a little longer,” the tips of his fingers curl inwards and graze my cheek, making me shiver, squeeze my eyes closed and sob at the sudden touch.
I sob harder as it disappears and as I open my eyes, all I can see is his back as he walks out of my room and closes my door behind him.
He won’t leave me, because he loves me and thinks I deserve to be loved. This guy is going to be the death of me and I couldn’t care less, he wants to stick around through all my bullshit and self destruction. Maybe it won’t last as long with him around, if anyone can bring me back into the light, it’s Noah.
FOUR
15TH JULY 2008
I hate them!! If it wasn’t for Henleigh, I’d blow this whole fucking town, I know Devon would have my arse for keeping a fucking diary like a twelve-year-old girl but I can’t keep this shit bottled up any longer. I’m going to blow if I don’t do something soon, the only thing keeping me together is the guys and my little pipsqueak. The thing is and I hate myself for saying it, I would give the guys up in a heartbeat if it meant I could get away with Hen. She deserves more than this and their fucked up bullshit. They have the cheek to call themselves our parents, where’s the honesty and decency gone or maybe they never even had it to begin with. I’m so glad she’s too young to understand any of this, I swear to heaven and hell though, if they ever bring that shit to this house again I’ll kill them. Those vile excuses for human beings should never be allowed near Henleigh, she’s five years old, how could they think it would be okay.
27TH JULY 2008
That stupid bitch, I fucking warned her. Clearly I can’t trust her to keep us safe if she’s bringing that shit into our home, and with Henleigh here, what if she found some of it? No, I have to do it, I see that now. I just have to get Devon to agree, he doesn’t want me anywhere near the club, thinks it’ll ruin me. I still don’t know why he hangs around with us, maybe because of his brother? Not that it matters, they’re our brothers now and they’ll help me, but I need more than his promises, I need the way to keep us safe myself. If I join the club, then I won’t have to worry, we’ll have protection and I can save enough money to get us away from here. I’ll miss the guys but I’m sure they’ll come and visit us, they didn’t ditch me when I told them I was gay, so why would a little thing like distance stop them? It won’t, but I have to work it out first and if that means joining his MC then that’s the price I am willing to pay. I don’t know what it will entail exactly, but I know that he’s often covered in bruises and blood, not always his own, and he’s got this darkness in his eyes that has most people running scared. It even scared me in the beginning, but not Henleigh, never my little pipsqueak. She’d probably come face to face with a lion and scratch its ears like a damn kitty cat. No fear, sometimes I wish she had just a little, maybe then she’d see the danger we truly are in. The outside world is a scary place, but it’s even worse when it’s within your own home, your haven.
30TH SEPTEMBER 2008
He isn’t happy, but he’s agreed to let me train with him, he doesn’t get to decide whether they’ll let me in and I can’t be a member of the more legal side until I’m eighteen, but I’m not interested in that. I need to be where the money is, and it isn’t by following the laws created by the rich twats, not if I want to keep Hen safe. I need to break a few laws and make some cash quick. On another note, I need to hide this somewhere else, I know someone was in my wardrobe, the thread I put above the door wasn’t there when I got home. I can’t have them finding this. I could destroy them with the shit I’ve collected, better to keep it safe in case all else fails. I really don’t want to take this to the cops though, we’ll be put into care and what if they separate us? I can’t risk that, she needs me and I need her.
Six months later
“THIS IS CRAZY, I mean it is crazy right?” I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve asked the guys this, and I can see Harrison trying not to laugh even with his back to me.
“It’s a little unorthodox, but what else did you expect. Devon wasn’t going to just let you disappear on him, he wants to keep you safe and I guess this helps him to feel better,” Noah answers, ever the diplomat.
He’s right of course, Devy was not happy to see me go but he understood why I had to get away. As long a
s I promised not to run away and hide from him and to let him help me get settled. Yeah because settled means getting me a huge fucking house that I do not need and enrolling me in college, oh and I’m not even going to get started on the bank account. I do not want to know how he has so much money at his disposal.
“At least we’re together and there’s enough room so we won’t irritate the crap out of one another,” Harrison says, placing the shopping bags on the counter so I can start putting them away.
It’s strange how this has worked out, me, Noah and Harrison sharing a house. There’s room for at least five more people to move in, not that it will happen. I haven’t spoken to Amias and even though he tried to make it happen, Devon wouldn’t allow it. As for Elijah, I don’t even know where he is. I think Noah may still be in contact with him but I’m not going to ask, things are too confusing for all that.
We haven’t spoken about what is going on between the three of us. I’m still not doing great with physical contact and we’re always skirting around one another. It’s not awkward as such and I know Noah is waiting for me to go to him, but I’m not sure about Harrison. Is he waiting for me to be ready? Is he over it and ready to move on or has he already moved on and just scared to tell me?
“Get out of your head Henleigh, you know that’s a terrible place for you to go right now,” Harrison says, coming to stand before me and bending at the knees to meet my eyes.
We’ve been here for three months and the nightmares haven’t gone away or gotten any easier. They always rush into my room, but seeing as they can’t hold me all they can do is stand there and watch me battle my demons and fall apart at the seams.
“Sorry, I was just thinking about how everything has changed,” it comes out quieter than I planned, fear controls so much of me now. The only thing I haven’t let it do is come between me and my future. Although going to college four days a week is only just becoming bearable.
“Not everything woman, I think there are certain things that will never change despite what you do or believe,” I don’t know what he’s trying to get at and his eyes are growing dark as he starts grinding his teeth and clenching his knuckles.
I can’t do this, angry people scare the living shit out of me now. I hate that I’m curling in on myself as I sink to the floor and hug my knees to my chest but I guess it’s to be expected. PTSD is what my counsellor says I have, apparently talking about it could help but I don't want to talk to an utter stranger. I’d rather talk to one of my guys, I just won’t. They do not deserve to have to shoulder even more of my baggage than they already are. This is what I’m telling myself anyway, if I’m being honest with myself, I think it’s also because I don’t want them to look at me with pity in their eyes.
“What’s going on?” I can hear the panic in Noah’s voice, it’s grounding me but not enough to chase the flashbacks away completely.
“I was trying to get her to realise that she hasn’t lost us, I mustn’t have been concealing my emotions as well as I thought,” he says and I swear I can hear Noah rolling his eyes or maybe he’s shaking his head this time.
“You know we can’t push her, we talked about this.”
Hang on, they've been discussing this, discussing me. Why am I only hearing about this now?
“You’ve been talking about me,” it comes out as sharp as a Japanese blade, if a tongue could cut they’d be bleeding out before my very eyes as I bring my head up to stare right through them.
“It isn’t like that Leighbear,” Noah says softly but Harrison snorting is not helping him to convey his message of innocence.
“Give it a break mate, she isn’t a complete numpty now is she,” he says before setting his gaze on me. “What did you expect woman, you won’t talk to us or let us in and it fucking well hurts seeing you suffer and fall apart right before us, knowing we can’t help you. You won’t even let us try,” his eyes are wild and his fist gets lost inside the door of our kitchen before he thrusts it open and storms off.
“He didn’t mean anything by it,” Noah says weakly and we can both hear the dishonesty in his voice, it wouldn’t even fool a child.
“Of course he did, I tried to let you both go but you wouldn’t listen. How long until you regret it?” I’m not even going to wait for his answer, I just want to be alone.
“HELLO BROWNIE, FANCY SEEING YOU HERE,” I can’t believe he’s laughing at his own joke. It’s bad enough I’m chained up like a circus animal back in the olden days, let alone having to deal with these bellends and I swear Finley is a few screws short of a complete set.
“Does it make you feel big, tormenting a girl who is chained up in your basement like some cheap arse horror film?” The only issue is, I can’t hide the fear from my voice or eyes completely.
“No, but it’s fun. I can see why my family enjoyed it so much,” he’s throwing his head back and laughing, he’s a stark raving lunatic. “Plus it helps that you’re not a complete munter, and I’ve always been drawn to gorgeous people,” he says as he comes closer while licking his lips.
“It’s a shame the same can’t be said about you, it doesn’t matter how the wrapper looks when there is nothing but mould and rot lying beneath it,” anger is the only thing that is getting me through this, that and the hope that someone will find me despite how little the odds are in my favour.
“What do you say Brownie, how about a shag before you die? At least you’ll be able to say that you were fucked by a real man,” he says it as he grabs himself through his trousers before throwing both his arms out to the side and slowly turning full circle.
“I’d rather burn to death than ever let you touch me,” I spit out as he drops down on his knees before me.
He lays his hand on my cheek, I flinch away and in return he smacks me hard enough that I bite my tongue and the taste of iron floods my mouth.
“Careful what you say Brownie, I can make things a thousand times worse than they’ve already been,” he grips my shoulders and pulls me up before slamming me into a wall.
Fuck the consequences, he’s asking for it. I spit the pool of blood into his face as my knee shoots up into his groin.
“You bitch,” he wheezes out as he cups himself and hunches over.
Fuck, what’s going to happen now?
His fist comes up into my jaw the moment he rights himself, as he sends another one into my stomach. A violent cough works its way through me, as more blood hits the floor at my feet.
“You really are a proper barmy cow aren’t you or maybe you like pain, if that is the case you’re really going to enjoy what happens next,” he comes closer as he grabs the back of my head and throws me to the floor, before flipping me onto my back.
He sits on top of my stomach and I can’t even bring myself to buck him off in case the sick tosser gets off on it. He’s reaching into his back pocket and my heart is barely beating, I’m so overcome with fear I can’t even form a coherent thought. He pulls out a set of knuckle dusters before slipping them onto his hand and sending it into my face. That’s the only strike he does there, but I lose count of how many times he hits me in my ribs, side and stomach. I’ve cried and screamed so much that my voice is faltering and breaking under the strain. He slips them off before pushing down on my chest and pulling out a screwdriver from his back pocket, I don’t even want to know what else he’s got hiding back there.
He slams the handle into my arms over and over again, not stopping until dark black bruises are beginning to form. Should I be happy that he hasn’t stabbed me with it?
“You fuckwit, no wonder Chelsea fucked your father. I bet he was the father of her baby too,” I say through the blood, laughing hysterically as I finally snap.
I can see it, the moment I push him too far. His face is filled with such a murderous rage, dark and twisted into something truly hideous, that I don’t think I’m going to come out of this alive.
His hands are around my neck and he’s squeezing so tight I can’t get any air into my system.
I thought Dante would be the end of me but I guess I was wrong. Finley will be the one who robs me of my life.
My hands shoot up to his, clawing at him with my nails and drawing blood but it only makes him smile, and it chills me. Black fills my vision as I continue to scratch until my arms fall loosely to my side. I’m going to die.
MY SCREAMS ARE FILLING my room and my hands are streaked with blood, but even though I know I’m not in that basement anymore I can’t stop screaming and seeing his face of pure adulterated hate before me.
“Henleigh,” Harrison is right in front of me, but I can’t see his face. All I can see is Finley’s, and it only makes my scream that much more intense.
“You can’t,” Noah says but I don’t know what he’s talking about. “Fuck this shit, let her kick me out, I’m not going to just stand here and watch this anymore,” Harrison shoots back at him, as his arms come around my shaking body and pull me against him tight.
I’m smacking my fists hard against his chest as I thrash around and he drops me back down onto my bed before pulling me back up, only this time it’s with my back against his chest.
“Woman I’ve got you, stop screaming and close your eyes,” his voice is the softest I’ve ever heard it but it still has that growly quality that I’ve always loved.
My screaming dies out, but it’s more because my throat can’t take anymore than what he said. I slide my eyes closed and I can feel his breath whispering against my hair.
“It’s just me, I told you before that I will keep you safe. I’m sorry I failed and bad shit happened, but I’m here now. You can’t push me away, no matter how hard you try,” his words are nothing if not heartfelt and I can feel my tears sliding down my face.