by B C Morgan
I jerk back into his chest as something brushes against my cheek and I hate that I’m whimpering like a puppy dog.
“It’s just me Leighbear, I can’t bear to see you cry,” he says as his hand lays gently across my face and when I pull away, he doesn’t follow.
He’ll never push me and it only furthers my love for him, I wish I wasn’t so broken. I move my head back slowly and I can hear him exhale as I lean against his hand and my sobs break free but I don’t fight them anymore. Even as Harrison lies us down on my bed and Noah lies on the other side of me, I let them stay. I won’t open my eyes out of fear that it won't be their faces I see, but knowing that they are with me helps to keep the nightmares at bay. This has to be the best night sleep I have had since I was taken.
THEY MUST HAVE LEFT in the night, because they’re certainly not in here with me anymore. I don’t know if I should feel relieved, but I don’t, which is confusing. I want them to keep their distance but after last night, I think they’re the only ones who can help me get through this and defeat the demons that are haunting me, whether I’m asleep or awake.
Getting up is a struggle, I’m so worn down and I have zero energy, at least I haven’t got class today. I can just stay at home and try to find something to keep my mind off everything else. Well, I say that but I know what I will do, reading El's Diary is becoming an obsession but I can’t stop. I’m discovering the person I never got to see, I’m not sure what to make of him but he’s still my brother and it’s clear that his heart was in the right place. I know I could have read it in a day or two, but I want to draw it out. It’s keeping El with me and I need that.
10TH JANUARY 2009
I knew I could prove myself to Devon, and he’d see how valuable I could be to his family, only he’s not happy about it. He wants to keep me safe, all of us and he’s worried about what will become of Hen if I get in too much trouble. It isn’t like I’m going to risk her, for crying out loud I’m doing this for her. To make sure she grows up happy and carefree without the poison that is our parents.
He keeps talking about this poison but I don’t know what he’s going on about, I could flip to the back and discover whatever he’s hidden back there but I’m not sure I’ll understand it if I don’t read this for its entirety.
He said his father (I know they’re not related and all that but he’s more of a father to Devon than ours is to me) has seen me around and wants to talk to me. Not as his son’s friend but a possible recruit and when I hit eighteen, a full-fledged member of the Black Hearts. Devon chose the name, apparently he refused to join anything that called themselves the heathens and his dad let him. Anything for his boys, especially as Devon will be the leader one day.
My job, to prove my loyalty and show that I’m worthy of a position, is to steal a car. A fucking expensive one at that, my moral compass went a little haywire at first. Isn’t stealing wrong? But Devon assured me that the person I’m stealing from not only deserves it but he can also afford it. Apparently they have a strict code and even though I’m not sure what it is, it does assuage me of my guilt.
15TH JANUARY 2009
I can’t believe I did it, I stole a fucking car, it’s insane! At least I know Devon was telling the truth, no innocent owner would have a boot full of semi automatics. I don’t know what the Black Hearts will do with them and I’m not going to ask. His dad doesn’t approve of anyone asking too many questions, sure it should worry me but it doesn’t.
Man it was such a rush, even when someone came out chasing after me with a gun in his hands it didn’t dampen it at all. I think my attitude concerns Devy a little but his dad is happy and that’s all that matters.
PAGE AFTER PAGE he writes about the small crimes he did but he had the same impression I’m getting, they were leading up to something bigger.
HARRISON IS FINALLY home and I’m sick and tired of staring at the four walls of my poxy bedroom. I’m bored stiff and I guess I’m hoping it will be better if I socialise with the guys I love. Even if I no longer tell them how I feel or show any inclination of still being interested in either of them. Should I let them know that nothing has changed for me, even if I myself have?
I can hear voices coming from the living room, should I make myself known or loiter? Okay, I know which one I should do but fuck it, it’s my house if I want to loiter in the hallway, I will.
“Have you spoken to either of them?” H asks, and he does not sound happy, I don’t even need to try and guess who the ‘them’ are.
“I refuse to talk to Amias and as long as he’s in the BH it will stay that way. Lija has reached out and asked if Leighbear will talk to him but it isn’t for me to decide. Besides why do you care? I didn’t think you thought much of them after everything that went down,” Noah replies but he doesn’t sound confused, he says it in such a way that hints that he already knows why H is asking.
“I don’t, but I worry about her. What if they turn up unexpectedly and make things worse? She’s already closed herself off from us, I don’t want it to get any worse. I love her Noah and I want her to come back to us,” I can hear the pain and anguish in his tone and the way he chokes up just a little. His voice is thicker than mud and I want to comfort him but something in me clearly disagrees.
“I haven't left,” it falls free with no resistance and they look a mixture of guilty and shocked. That’s right fellas, no more secret conversations will be taking place under my roof.
“Maybe not physically, but mentally you have. I want the girl who never gave up and called me out on my shit. Tell me how I can get her back,” Harrison says, stalking closer to me and only stopping mere inches away.
“I need time, bloody hell H, you have no idea what you’re asking of me right now,” I say, as my frustration takes over and all I want to do is slap him up the side of his head and knock some sense into him.
“Then tell me,” he shouts and an icy fear washes over me, but it’s not the only thing that occurs within me, there’s also anger, hot and all consuming.
“I can’t,” it comes out on a scream and I’m shaking all over as I close another inch that separates me and I can see his eyes flash with something.
“I guess I need to leave then, because I can’t do this. I want to be with you Henleigh, even as you are now but I won’t keep being shut out behind a thick concrete wall. It’s killing me,” he’s shouting now and Noah is just looking at us with his mouth hanging open.
“Go, but don’t expect me to welcome you back with open arms if you change your mind,” I fire back as I turn on my heels and storm off to my room. I’ve just told him to leave, this is definitely up there in my top five, biggest mistakes.
Leaning my head against the door, all I can do is close my eyes and listen to the footsteps that are coming up the stairs. We really should get carpet, it would dull the sound just a little. Stop focusing on trivial shit and fix this before he leaves!
Damn I hate my inner voice but I can’t ignore it, it always seems to talk sense even if it is cruel at times.
I can hear his door opening and I think the whole damn street can hear the way he slams it closed. Do I go straight in or do I give him a few minutes? I prefer the latter but it's the easy option and I cannot take that, not with Harrison. He deserves to have someone fight for him.
Opening my door is harder than it should be, maybe because of the weight of what I’m going to do. Deep breath in and out, just for a bit of courage. I know I cannot knock, he’ll ignore me and I deserve it so I have to bite the bullet and go in unannounced and uninvited.
“Harrison,” I say, as I push open the door and stop in my tracks to see him staring into his wardrobe with his duffel bag at his feet.
“What do you want Monterey?” He's using my last name, and it's slaying me, I miss him calling me woman, that’s his nickname for me and it means something.
“That’s how he kept finding us,” he looks at me as if I’m speaking in a foreign language. “There was a tracker on my duff
el bag, he put it there when he set my dad’s place on fire. Dante told me and I guess I must have forgotten all about it until I saw your bag and the memory came rushing back,” I’m speaking way too fast and I have no idea if he understands me right now.
“Okay,” he draws the word out, exaggerating it more than needed as he starts pulling clothes out of his wardrobe and throwing them straight into the bag.
“Don’t leave,” it feels as if I’m begging, I wonder if it’s coming across that way to him, he has stopped pulling clothes out but his shoulders are pulled taut.
“I have no reason to stay,” he’s shaking and I wish he would just turn around and look at me.
“You have me,” such a feeble reason, and by the way he’s shaking his head he clearly disagrees. He spins around and his cold, hard eyes fall straight on to mine.
“In what way do I have you Henliegh? You don’t let me near you and okay, that one I can live with for a while, because you are someone worth waiting for. But you won’t talk to me unless it's meaningless and trivial, so no I don’t have you. I’m starting to wonder if I ever did,” why is he such a defeatist all of a sudden. Have I done this to him? Fuck, I have been so selfish.
“In the way that I feel like I should let you go but I don’t want to, hell, I want to run into your arms and never pull away but my fear keeps me from doing so. I may not be showing it and I’m sorry for that, but I still want you H,” I can feel myself trembling and despite the fear and angst I need to keep going. “They broke me and I’m trying to piece myself back together, it’s just hard. I wish I wasn’t reminded of them so damn often. I want to enjoy this life. I was given a second chance and I’m wasting it,” that’s it, my voice has gone. I can’t hold back the tears any longer and I just want to curl up and disappear.
“Do you see their faces when you look at us?” He asks and all I can do is nod my head.
“Every time?” I shake my head this time, I can’t trust myself to speak and I don’t know what to make of the sigh he just released.
“Put your hands down by your side and close your eyes, you're safe with me woman I won’t hurt you. So, if you can, I really need you to trust me right now,” his tone is almost desperate and although I’m scared I can’t refuse him. This could be the make or break of us and if he leaves I won’t let him come back. Please don’t leave.
I can hear him coming closer and my heart is thrashing in time to my breaths, I’m a quivering mess and I’m terrified. Not of him, never of him but of what he’s going to do and how I may react.
“Henleigh, you helped me when you had no reason to. All I had done was pick on you, bully you and try to make you feel small. Yet you visited me when I was in hospital and you never asked for thanks,” his tone is soft and I can feel his breath washing over the back of my neck, drawing out an all over body shiver in me. “You got my arse out of that chair when I was being an insufferable bellend towards you and Benjy and you made it so I could pass the school year and get out of there. You kept me from going insane by gaming with me, still shocked by that one, and you stood with me even after it was my fault that everyone knew what you did,” a finger is tracing along the back of my neck.
I hate that I’m flinching at the touch or the way he lets me go until his fingers glide down my arm. They are leaving goosebumps in their wake and my fingers fall open as he gently takes my wrist and turns my hand, palm up. He traces the lines on my hand, which is making my fingers curl slightly, and my breath is coming out in rapid bursts.
“You helped me without a second thought, please let me do the same for you,” There’s an air of desperation to his voice, I do not need to be able to see his face to notice it. I’m shaking but I can’t refuse him, I wonder if he can see the way my breathing is staggered or how I nod quickly so I won’t change my mind.
His chest is pushing against my back and I’m gulping in huge breaths as I try to rein in the white hot terror, it’s H, he won’t hurt me.
“It’s me, nothing bad is going to happen. I’ve got you,” his words register, and it’s like a balm to my nerves as my breathing steadies out.
One of his arms comes around my front and I can feel his hand splayed out across my stomach, whilst his other comes over my shoulder and across my chest. I lean my head back and release my sigh as his scent fills me and I can’t help but remember why I love being in his arms. Because he’s real, he doesn’t hide who he is, and he gets me. Even now he knows what I need, to be held and feel safe. And when I start to struggle with the proximity he whispers in my ear and soothes me once again.
FIVE
HAS it really been a month since Harrison decided to take it upon himself to help me overcome my demons? I may not be there yet, but it is unbelievable how much better I sleep now that I can have them both in my room with me. I still can’t handle it when H loses his cool but he’s trying his hardest to remain calm when I’m around. Noah just seems happy to be able to hold me again, it doesn’t always work out and I still have my freak-outs but I think I’m getting better.
“Hey my love,” Noah’s deep timbre still makes me melt, and I’m not even flinching as he folds his arms over my shoulders and pulls me back to rest against him.
“Mmm hey Noah bear, shouldn’t you be in class?” I reply, as my eyes flutter closed and a soft smile is already forming on my face.
“We got let out early today,” he’s holding something back, I can feel it. His tone is unsure, and he sounds as guilty as hell, what has he done?
Turning around, I forget all about my flashbacks until we’re standing face to face and my hands are resting against the planes of his chest.
“Noah, I see you,” my voice waivers under the relief that I haven’t been incapacitated by fear and the fact that I am only seeing him and his gorgeous eyes looking back at me.
His smile is lighting up the entirety of his face and I can’t get the silly grin off my face, it almost makes me forget about whatever it is he has to say. Almost.
“Elijah called today,” those three words feel as though I’ve had a bucket of ice poured over me. At least he didn’t beat around the bush, I guess I have to give him that.
“What did he want?” My voice is colder than the arctic and I know he doesn’t miss it, I miss Elijah and I hate to admit that I miss Amias as well. Not that it changes anything for me.
“He wants to see you and he wanted to know if I thought you would be open to it, I told him it wasn’t my place to say and if he really wants to see you then he should ask you himself. Whatever you decide, I’ll support you,” he says, resting his hands on my hips and pulling me into him. There’s a slight friction caused by his action and we are both frozen in time just staring at one another.
I can feel my cheeks heating under his gaze and I can’t miss the way he is moving his lower half, so it’s no longer pressing against me.
“Noah,” his name is a whisper or maybe it's a prayer. For something good, something real. A new memory to push the bad even further away until I can bury them for good. He swallows hard and I’m transfixed on the movement, just watching his throat moving up and down.
“Leighbear, what’s happening?” he asks, his grip tightening enough to bruise but the fear is gone and I’m hoping it will stay that way. It’s been seven months, I need to feel. That’s all I want, to feel.
“I want to feel like me again and I’m safe with you, you’ve always made me feel safe and like I can be however I need at that moment. Right now, in this moment, I need to feel wanted, and as though I am no longer broken. Please Noah,” I hate that I’m practically begging for this, but it will all be worth it if he agrees.
I lost it to Noah, it’s only natural that he is the one I want to be my first all over again. No born again virgin rubbish, but I need to know I can do this, that I am still a woman.
“Are you sure?” his tone is dark with need and it’s eliciting shivers all over me, I can’t stop to think as I push myself flush against him. My breasts straining again
st his chest as I step up onto my tiptoes and brush my lips against his lightly, once, twice and then again. I can feel his exhale wash over me, as I run my thumb over his bottom lip and stare as it pops back into place before capturing it between my teeth.
“I’m sure Noah, for me it will always be you. My light in the darkness, I can always find my way home when you’re around because you are my home,” tears fall down my cheeks as he scoops me into his arms and captures my lips with his own.
He doesn’t watch where he’s walking as he kisses me slowly, almost as though he is worshipping me with his mouth. His tongue gliding over the seam of my lips, seeking entrance that I have no power to refuse. How did I not realise we had made it to his room until my back hits his mattress and he settles himself between my parted thighs? I can feel his hardness pushing against me and he moves his hips, so he’s rubbing against me over and over again with every kiss and swipe of his tongue.
“This needs to come off,” I say, as I tug at the hem of his shirt and he is wasting no time in pulling it over his head. I swallow loudly as I take in his body, it may not be the first time but it feels like it. My eyes can’t stop drinking him in and I feel as though I’m about to die from thirst.
He comes back to me, but my hand on his stomach stops him as I push him back and pull my own top free before standing to push my shorts over my legs. Although for some reason, he stops me from taking off my underwear and I can’t help but wonder if he is having second doubts.
“Lie down my love, I’m not going to stop until all you can think about is what I am doing to you and all you can remember is me and you,” his words set the embers that I thought had died out into a blazing inferno and I fall back down onto the mattress and prop myself up on my elbows.
He trails kisses up from my ankle, to the tender spot behind my knee and over my thigh. He moves up the inside and comes to a halt when he reaches my core, still covered by the cotton fabric of my knickers. I expect him to pull them down or move them aside but instead he’s closing his mouth over the fabric and pulling at my clit with his teeth. My back arches up from the bed as my fingers fly into his hair, groans filling his room and it's all I can do to not buck up off the bed when he slips a finger inside my knickers and slowly pushes his way inside me.