by B C Morgan
“Noah,” his name is a moan on my lips and my eyes are rolling to the back of my skull until he moves away. I don’t know how to handle the sudden departure until a ripping sound fills the air and his mouth returns to my now naked clit. He ripped my bloody knickers, they were my comfiest pair.
He keeps up the speed with his finger, as he pushes another inside and continues to suck and lick and he doesn’t pull away until I’m writhing beneath his face and exploding across his hand. He captures every last drop, drinking me in before moving up my body and hovering his face over mine.
“I love you Henleigh Monterey,” he says as he brushes my hair from my damp face, before covering his hard cock with a condom and lining himself up with my entrance.
He doesn’t push his way inside straight away, instead he moves it up and down. Stroking my clit with his tip and threatening to make me fall apart all over again. His eyes meet mine and I can not stop looking at them, overjoyed that I can only see him.
“I love you too Noah Wallace,” I reply as I pull his face down until our mouths are pressed together, and he finally slips his way inside.
We don’t rush, taking our time to reacquaint with one another. There’s no rush, just pleasure, tenderness and a lot of love.
I MUST HAVE FALLEN ASLEEP, because when I open my eyes it isn’t only me and Noah in the room. I can’t see who else is in here but I know Noah is still beneath me and panic is bombarding my system as I turn my head and my gaze falls onto H. I can tell it's him by his outline, but his face is enshrouded in shadows and I’m scared. Not of him, but of what I may see.
“H,” I say it quietly as I move off Noah and slip his top over my head and I’m glad it falls mid thigh.
“It’s okay,” he says, as he steps closer with a sad smile on his face, I don’t understand the smile but I hate that he feels sad because of me.
“Please don’t read anything into this,” I plead with him and I can’t deny how relieved I feel as I reach for him and he doesn’t pull away.
“Woman it’s okay, am I bummed that it wasn’t me, of course I am. But this is about you and what you need to heal and if that means Noah, then I can live with that,” he falls down into the armchair that Noah has in his room and I’m not wasting any time to sit and curl up on his lap.
“H,” his eyes meet mine as I stroke my fingers across his face, “I don’t think we can be enemies for life anymore,” I say it quietly as I nuzzle against him.
“I think that stopped applying to us a long time ago, I love you Henleigh,” his mouth claims mine and my heart is in my throat.
“I love you too,” no truer words have ever been spoken.
I GUESS a lot of people would feel embarrassed to be woken up by the guy they slept with, while curled up on another guy’s lap. I don’t though, how can I when the guy in question has nothing but an understanding look in his eye and a smile on his face.
“Next time, just get in the bed,” he says with a laugh and I can feel H’s chest vibrate against me with his own laugh.
“I didn’t want to intrude,” he says and I can’t help but snort at his response, it’s ridiculous.
“Stealing her cuddles is better by far,” Noah says with a wink, as he shakes his head and leaves the room, his laugh carrying across the air even as his footsteps sound on the stairs.
“I like that you two have become friends,” I drop a kiss upon his mouth, as I stand up and walk into my room.
If Noah is downstairs, then he must be making breakfast and I do not want to miss out on that. I’ve missed a lot of meals with the guys lately but I’m trying to make more of an effort, and that means with the girls as well.
Roxie has been great with me needing my space, especially from the band and all things music related, but I need to stop pushing them away. It isn’t their fault I can’t play the guitar anymore. Ever since Dante broke my fingers back in the basement, they just haven’t worked the same way, but if that’s the only thing that has been taken from me during this entire ordeal then I guess I should count myself lucky.
I shoot a quick text off to invite them over for the weekend before having a quick shower, I’m not going to wait for a response or worry if they don’t reply. I’m done with fearing everything, I know it isn’t as simple as just deciding it but I need to at least make the effort to deal with everything.
Walking downstairs, with the book clutched to my chest is making my heart race faster than the bullet train in Japan. This is a huge step for me but I think I’m finally ready.
“Hey Leighbear, grab a seat and I’ll bring it over to you once it’s dished up,” Noah says, barely glancing my way. At least I have a few moments to settle my nerves, although I’m not entirely sure that is a good thing right now. It just gives me more time to talk myself out of it.
Harrison drops down in the seat beside me and I can’t miss the way his eyes go to the book I’m clutching in a death grip.
“What’s going on?” He asks as Noah places plates before us and claims the seat on the other side of me for himself.
“I have something that you guys need to see, I’ve been fighting with myself to give you this for months but I’m trying to stop fear from ruling my every decision,” I say as I slowly push the journal into the centre of the table and close my eyes.
I don’t know who picks it up first, all I can feel is a pair of arms wrapping around me from behind and I know by his scent that it's Noah.
“You don’t need to do this,” he says, dropping feather like kisses down the side of my face.
“Yes I do, you need to know what happened when I was trapped in that basement and I can’t bring myself to talk about it with you guys, so this is the alternative. I just don’t want you to look at me differently once you read it, either of you,” it slips out and I feel so raw. It’s the one thing that terrifies me, the fear of seeing them look at me with pity in their eyes. I never want to feel or see that from them.
“You are the strongest person we know, nothing will change that. I know what you’re scared of, woman, I felt the same way when I woke up from my coma. Believe me, you’ve got nothing to worry about where we’re concerned,” H says it gruffly and I know he means every word, Harrison isn’t a liar and that’s one thing I know I can always count on, his honesty.
“I’ve also invited the girls to come up for the weekend and I’m considering hearing Elijah out, even if it is only for closure,” I say through a deep exhale, not knowing how he’ll feel about that one.
“We support you Leighbear always, but does this mean you’re extending the same branch to Amias as well?” Noah asks and I can’t tell what answer he’s hoping for but then again, I’m answering for myself. “No,” nothing else needs to be said on the matter, Amias went too deep into my soul and left me a bloody mess, I won’t let him back in to do it for a second time.
My phone chooses this moment to make itself known, I can’t keep the smile from my face knowing in three days I’ll have the only other people I need right here with me. I think it’s about time I started living again.
I CANNOT GET the smile off my face as Roxie goes to pull me in her arms, but I can’t handle it. I can’t stop myself from pulling back and flinching. “I’m sorry, I can’t handle physical contact all that well right now,” I say quietly and I don’t know why I feel so ashamed of myself, maybe it’s because of how small my confession makes me feel.
“It’s okay, we get it. I’ll just have to hug you in spirit,” Roxie replies as she hugs herself and sends me an exaggerated wink, whilst the other two are smiling at me. I’ve missed these girls so much and even though I have no idea what we’re going to do to entertain ourselves, I know we won’t be bored.
“I heard down the grapevine that Elijah is in town,” Bella says and the guys and I can’t believe what we’re hearing.
I know I was going to hear him out, but we haven’t even discussed it yet, so what is he doing here now?
My phone chooses this exact moment to go
off and I guess I must have thought his name too many times and summoned him to me. The girls are looking at me with sympathy, other than Roxie, she looks bored.
“I’ll be back in a minute,” I say, before answering my phone and stepping out into our back garden. I’m not sure if this is the kind of call they will want to overhear.
“Hen,” he’s saying my name like it’s a prayer, but it’s making my hackles rise.
“What are you doing in Cornwall Eli? I thought you were busy with uni and… other things,” I don’t know if he was hoping for more excitement or a little joy at least, but he isn’t going to get it. Not from me, not until I know why he has suddenly decided he wants to reach out.
“I was hoping if I came down you would see me, I don’t even know what I’m hoping for but I want to see you. Even if it does end with me going back to Cambridge and drawing a line through us for good,” I don’t think he’s saying it for my benefit, he wants closure and if I’m being honest with myself so do I.
“Okay, I can meet you in town at one,” I offer, he agrees and we decide on a small coffee shop that I love going to, best cakes ever.
“Thanks Hen,” he says quietly, but I have nothing left to say in reply as I disconnect the call, I need to get back in and enjoy the couple of hours I have before I have to leave. Only, I’m not ready to be around them, if anything I am nervous and dreading this meet up.
I can only give myself five minutes, before brushing off my doubts and angst and placing a smile on my face. Only the guys will notice how fake it is but I can explain it to them later, for now I have a tour to give.
It takes ten minutes for Mikaela to excuse herself to the living room and Bella follows her, I feel like this is a deliberate thing and I can’t help but wonder what it is that Roxie is going to say.
“How you doing baby girl?” she asks, whilst peering at her nails, she acts oblivious but I know she’s faking it.
“I’m getting there, the guys have been amazing and they’re helping me to find myself again. Now that’s out of the way, just spit it out Rox. You have never minced your words, so don’t start treating me differently now otherwise you will not be getting another invite,” I instil so much attitude into my voice and even do this weird little head wiggle, making her roll her eyes and smirk.
“We’re going away and we want you to come with us, no guys just us. The thing is it isn’t just a holiday, we’ll be performing,” and there it is, they are still trying to get me to commit and refusing to believe that I cannot play anymore.
“I can’t play, why won’t you listen to me,” my voice is getting louder with every word and she’s already putting her hands on her hips.
“They reset your hand baby girl and they never said it was impossible, just unlikely that you can play again. Why aren’t you fighting for this, trying to prove them wrong?”
“Because I don’t care,” I scream, I actually bloody scream right at her.
“Bullshit, pull your head out of your arse and face the truth. You’re scared to want it and you’d rather give up playing and let those bastards win then give it a shot,” she gives me one last look, glancing over me and she is certainly finding me lacking this time, before she turns away and joins the girls in the living room.
Is she right? Am I letting fear rule my life on this too? Fuck my life, I hate when people call me out on my shit, even more so when they make me realise something I should have known myself. Although she wasn’t entirely correct, yes it scares me to get up and perform in front of a crap load of people but that isn’t the main reason I’m holding back. I’m scared that if I try to improve my grip, and it fails, then I would have given myself false hope. I’d rather just suffer the defeat without the extra pain that trying and failing will bring me.
SIX
SITTING HERE IN THE CAFE, staring out of the window and watching people walk by is calming. Especially when I make up stories about the people I can see, it’s easier than being stuck within my own head, a dark fucking place that’s become.
“Hey, is this seat taken,” I look up into his eyes and it hurts my heart. He doesn’t look any different but his eyes are darker and they don’t have the usual twinkle I had grown used to seeing.
I can’t say anything, I mean I’m opening my mouth but nothing is coming out, it looks like he wants to smile but is deciding against it. He falls down into the chair and is just staring at me, if he is waiting for me to go first, then he’ll be waiting for a long arse time.
He exhales and drags his hand down across his face, before slowly shaking his head almost as if he’s shaking off the cobwebs.
“I've missed you,” I don’t know which one of us cringes first and his awkward smile seems fitting for this situation. “I wanted to reach out sooner but I was being an arse or more precisely, a petty little shite. I was pissed that you let Harrison in but shut us out, that you shut me out. There was nothing I wanted more than to be with you after Devon got you out of that place, I just didn’t know how to make it happen,” he sounds like he’s being straight with me, but he can’t even meet my eye. Seems like a guilty conscience to me.
“You fucked me and left, with nothing but a letter. I understood it even though it hurt, but then you ignored me. I tried to leave you be, like I had planned, but it was hard to stay away because I missed you.” Slowly, I turn the spoon in my coffee cup, watching how the liquid swirls and trying to find the right words without coming off as argumentative. The irony that I tried to do the same thing to Amias isn’t lost on me, but this is about me and Elijah. “When you rang me to help get in my dad’s office, I was more excited than I had any right to be and then I heard a girl’s voice. I shouldn’t have got jealous but the speed in which you moved on from me, the girl you claimed to love, really hurt. I couldn’t help but think that you never loved me, that or you don’t understand what that really feels like and how to recognise it.” Unlike him, I refuse to break eye contact once I start, the way he looks off to the side when I talk of the other girl has me turning green with jealousy. I hope he can’t tell.
“I haven’t moved on from you Hen and I’ll have you know, I am well aware of what love feels like, are you?” Clearly I’ve got to him, but I don’t think I said anything that entitles him to react like that.
“Yeah I do, I’ve got it with two amazing guys right now. How could I ever doubt it,” a low blow maybe, but he’s always had a knack of pissing me off and he’s on fire today.
“I’m glad you’re happy, you deserve it. I just wish it could have been with me as well,” his eyes are glistening and I can see him deflate as his anger dissipates.
“So do I Eli, so do I,” I couldn’t say it any softer and still be heard, our eyes are locked and his hand is pulled into a fist on the table.
“It was Leah that you heard that day,” if his words are supposed to make me feel better, it hasn’t worked.
“That’s fantastic, it must be great cosying up to a bitch,” man do I sound bitter or what!? Grow up Henleigh and act your bloody age.
“She’s going to the same University as me, we share a couple of classes and she wanted to catch up on some work she missed. Not that it matters, but I told her I won’t be helping her, not after what she did to you. I haven’t moved on from you, but I haven’t been celibate since I last saw you either,” his eyes are sparking, I know he’s baiting me to see what I will say or how I’ll respond, but truthfully. I don’t even know.
“That’s great Elijah, I’m thrilled to hear you’ve been getting your leg over. Feel free to not text me about your next conquest,” I say as I stand up and walk out of the cafe, throwing money on the counter as I go.
It’s rude and I hate myself for doing it, but I need to get away, fucking closure can go do one for all I care.
“Henleigh, wait,” he shouts, as he follows me out of the cafe and tries to match my stride. We both know I can outrun him in a nanosecond, but I’m not there... yet.
“I don’t know why you wanted to s
ee me, but we are done here. Go back to Cambridge and enjoy your life,” I won’t stop to look at him as I pick up my pace and keep my back straight and head held high.
He grabs hold of my elbow, stopping me abruptly and making me turn until I’m crashing into him. I pull back as quickly as I can until we’re nose to nose and he’s bending at the knees so he isn’t looking down at me.
“I don’t want to lose you, even though I know I already have. I just needed to say that I regret screwing that girl and I hate myself for not even remembering her name. I was in pain, angry and bitter. As well as feeling jealous as fuck. I only told you about it to hurt you and to see if you would care, I’m sorry,” he sounds sincere and he isn’t even blinking as we stare with an intensity strong enough to burn.
“Look, I don’t need or want pettiness and games, things are so screwed up and I don’t need anymore drama. I just want things to be quiet and simple now,” my shoulders are sagging and I feel so worn out.
“Okay, I really am sorry though Hen. Before I go though, would you like to know what happened to Jason?” Fuck, talk about playing dirty, I’ve been wondering that ever since Elisa mentioned his name. The guy who made her believe a poly-amorous relationship could work. If this is the last time I see him, then this could be the only chance I get of finding out.
“Yes please,” I say as I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear and his fingers are soon replacing mine when a strand slips free.
Electricity shoots through me as we connect and I can hardly breathe due to the weight of the feelings he’s stirring up within me. He pulls away and offers me his hand, I don’t know if I should take it, but my body reacts before my mind kicks in and I find my hand slipping within his.