You'll Never Lose Me (The Never Series Book 4)

by B C Morgan

  I can’t hold still as I grind myself against him, I want to go slow, but I can’t stop myself from getting faster and faster. His hands go to my hips and he’s helping me to keep up the pace as I feel him swell and my walls tighten over him. Our movements are frantic as he starts pistoning his hips, hitting me deep as our kisses grow messy but we don't break away. Not until the warm pool in my stomach turns into an inferno and I explode all around him and it doesn’t take long for him to join me in the pleasure, he helped me to find.

  18TH MAY 2009

  I can’t let him go, but the reasons for needing to do so have changed now. I thought I needed to protect him from me and my messed up life but his is no better. He’s a fucking Shaw, if I knew who his dad was I never would have let him get this far. It’s so messed up, why did I have to fall for him? Because that’s what I’ve done, gone and fallen for the fucking goddamn enemy.

  If Devon finds out he’ll kill me, actually his father will. What if I become the enemy, what will happen to Henleigh then? I don’t want to let him go but it isn’t just about me, I know Devon won’t let anything happen to her but I don’t know if I can trust everyone in the Black Hearts. I want to, but I know what they’ve done and what they’ll do if they think their club is under threat.

  He keeps ringing me, wanting to understand why I’ve suddenly started to ignore him but I can’t answer. If I do, I’ll never let him go. I want to be weak, but weakness is not a trait I can afford. It’s getting more and more dangerous at home and I can’t throw it all away now, what if it costs us our freedom? Mum is bringing more and more people to our house and Dad is letting more scumbags walk free. The things he’s been doing are so fucked up and he’s supposed to be one of the good guys, is this what he envisioned when he decided to become a solicitor? To be the Shaw’s whipping boy, he sickens me, they both do. Neither of them deserve a happy ending, to get away with it Scot free and they won’t. The day we leave, their whole world will implode. They’ll finally get what they deserve, they all will.

  As for me, well what can I say. I’m ready to take that next step, the one Devon wants me to hold off on. I won’t take a life, I can’t do it but I’m ready for some gun practice. I’m ready to do what I need to, it's time we got the hell out of London and I’ll help the BHMC to rid themselves off as many enemies before we do. I’ll give them a reason to give me what I need to survive, a fifteen year old alone with his six year old sister. I won’t let her spend another birthday around their toxicity.

  NINE

  “WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU ELLIOTT? You didn’t die until after my seventh birthday, so what changed your conviction. Although I think I can see where this is going, guess I should ask you, who?”

  “Who are you talking to?” Sawyer asks looking more worried than necessary, although he probably thinks I’ve gone completely doo lally.

  “Just my brother,” yeah the way his eyes are opening wider and he’s stepping back a little, he thinks I’m nutty. “I miss him okay, I know he can’t answer me back but sometimes it helps,” I say and I can’t help the laugh that bursts free, I shouldn’t enjoy worrying people so much but I can’t help it.

  “I get it, sometimes I talk to my ex and she isn’t even dead,” he’s stroking the back of his neck as I give him the most gone out look I can muster.

  “I don’t even know how to react to that,” I say honestly, this is going in a whole new direction.

  “She was this amazing person, sweet, kind and would do anything for anyone and she made me want to be the same way. It didn’t work out however and I found myself... it doesn’t matter we split up, I did some shit and then I met Devon. The rest, as they say, is history,” he’s going for nonchalance but he isn’t all that convincing right now.

  “So you joined him because you got dumped,” I guess tact isn’t one of my traits but his look of shock soon morphs into laughter.

  “It’s not as straightforward as that, when we were together it was immense but in the end we stopped being good for each other. We broke each other, but instead of building one another back up, I walked away,” he’s looking at the floor with such an intense look of pain, matched by the longing in his voice, that I want to offer him comfort but I won’t. “Devon saved me, in more ways than one. I owe him everything I have and am today, but that’s all I have to say on the matter.”

  “He was in prison, how could he save you?” I ask but his eyes turn dark and the pieces suddenly click into place. They met in prison.

  IT’S BEEN a month since I saw Elijah and he’s back, I mean he never really left. He hasn’t stopped texting, even though my replies are rather abrupt and don’t leave a lot of room for a reply, it hasn’t stopped him. It’s only proved further by the fact he has come back to Cornwall to see me, I could turn him away but I don’t think I will. Not yet.

  Big guy: Can I see you, please Hen.

  Me: Okay, I’ll see you at the park.

  Big guy: see you soon.

  “Sawyer, I’m going out,” I call down the stairs, Noah and Harrison are at college but I don’t have class until tomorrow, so I have time.

  “Sure thing little lady, where are we off to today?” He calls back, but he sounds somewhat distracted. I guess he’s texting Devon again, he’s never fully ‘here’ when he’s filling Devy in.

  “The park,” I say and I can tell by the way his head shoots up that he didn’t hear me coming down the stairs. “Great job at staying aware of your surroundings,” I say with a wink and I can’t help but chuckle at his blush as I grab a muffin and head out to my car.

  “Please don’t tell Devon, he’ll kill me,” he says whilst shaking his head. “Your secret is safe with me,” I reply as he climbs into the driver's seat, no time like the present.

  Me: I’m on my way.

  Big guy: I’m here waiting, I’ll always wait for you.

  “What’s the plan today little lady?” Sawyer asks, a smirk pulling at his lips.

  “Well, I’m going to see Eli and you’re going to be watching, that makes you sound like a peeping tom or something,” I reply, staring out of the window and watching the people, cars and the whole world go right on by.

  “I know it can’t be a lot of fun, having me cramping your style but it isn’t forever,” is he trying to convince me or himself.

  “I’m fine, it’s you I feel sorry for,” I say, my voice trailing off. I wouldn’t even be able to convince a two-year-old with my performance.

  “How’s the guitar going?”

  “Real subtle Sawyer,” I roll my eyes before taking a deep breath, “I can strum with my right hand, I just need to learn to play the chords with my left. It’s hard but I don’t want to give in now. Perseverance and all that bollocks, one thing’s for sure though, I haven’t broken any more windows,” we’re both cracking up at that part. Not because it’s funny as such, more because of how true that statement is. Fucking irony.

  We’re pulling up to the park and my hands are already feeling clammy, it’ll be okay it’s just Eli. The one guy who can aggravate me to no end, it’ll make things easier. I think.

  “I’ll be within viewing distance and close enough that I can get to you should anything happen,” I can’t help but look at the hand he’s placed on my shoulder, I’m not looking for another brother, but I’m not going to say that to him.

  He’s a good guy and I know he’s trying to make an awkward situation easier, the thing is the only solution to that is to get rid of the danger. Easier said than done when no one can find him.

  “I know the drill, have no fear. I won’t try to lose you or anything,” why did I say that? It makes it sound like that’s what I’m planning to do. Reality check, I don’t want to die!

  His reply is a soft smile and kind eyes, hey maybe this guy gets me.

  I LIKE that Sawyer doesn’t stick to my side like glue, at least Eli and I will have a semblance of privacy whilst we’re in the park.

  “Hen,” damn Eli and his sexy as sin voice, does he have to m
ake my heart race like this?

  “Hey big guy,” I say with a small hand wave, do I have to sound so freaking shy? I am not a shy person and we both know it.

  He stands up and walks closer to me but I don’t let him close the distance completely, not ready for that and I still don’t know how I want things to end with us.

  “Do you want to sit down?” He asks awkwardly and all I can do is nod my head. Texting is so much easier, less real but at the same time I can be more real than I have felt in months.

  “I’m glad you came,” his eyes are sad despite his words, this situation is so fucked up. Why don’t we just draw a line in the sand and say goodbye. Wouldn’t that be easier?

  “Why are you here Elijah?” He flinches at my use of his full name or maybe it’s the distant tone I have to force myself to adopt.

  “Because I miss you and I’m not willing to just walk away, I told you I won’t give up easily this time. Not unless you are telling me that you can never picture us being together again?” His eyes hold so much, more than I can put a name to but I can see the fear that today will be the day I turn away for good.

  I should, I know it and I think he does too, I just don’t know if I can.

  “I miss you too, but I’m not the same girl I was when we were in Padstow or when we were together for the last time in that hotel room. So much has changed, I’ve changed,” my words are so heavy, they could drown me in an instant, I wonder if Eli knows he’s my life raft right now?

  “None of us are the same Hen, I won’t mention ‘him’ but everyone and everything is different now. The only thing that hasn’t changed is the way I feel about you, I don’t know if that will ever change or if we’re even compatible anymore but I’m willing to find out.” He’s pausing, is this some dramatic bullshit because it really isn’t needed. I don’t think that is the reason though, his face is filled with resolve as he holds his hand out to me and locks his gaze with mine. “The only real question is, are you?” His hand is shaking as we stare at one another, I want to break eye contact but I can’t.

  Standing up, I can see the watery film covering his eyes. This is a rejection or at least, that’s what he thinks. Taking a deep breath, I need to know that I’m making the right choice but I’m not a coward and I won’t let fear rule me any longer. Am I turning into a parrot, how many times am I going to say the same thing before I start acting on my own words?

  “I want to try,” I say as I lay my hand in his, a cold sweat is breaking out all over but I can handle it. I think.

  “Where do we go from here?” He asks with the smile I’ve always loved, the one that lights up the entirety of his face.

  “I think we need to start over, no rushing into anything and take things at a snail’s pace. It’s the only way I can do this, but I get it if it doesn’t appeal to you,” this isn’t a test but if he says no, then clearly we could never work.

  “If it means I get a second chance with you... damn it Hen, I’ll do anything. I don’t think anything is too much for me right now, not if I get to be with you again someday. You are more than worth it,” his words warm and melt away some of the icy fear that still clutches around my heart.

  Pulling my hand away I sit back down beside him and fiddle with the necklace around my neck. The one the guys got me the first Christmas I spent at Padstow.

  “How do you want to do this?” He asks and I appreciate him giving me the lead more than I can ever express.

  “How long are you here for?”

  “Until Sunday,” he replies staring at me with such tenderness that I don’t know what to do. I think I need the aggravating, cheeky Elijah I used to know. I know how to handle that version.

  “I guess we can spend some time together while you’re here, and I’ll be more chatty in our texts. Honestly I have no idea what we’re supposed to do, maybe that’s the solution for us. We won’t think or discuss it we’ll just act, if it’s too soon or doesn’t feel right then we’ll tell one another,” I say and I don’t know if this is the right way to do it, but it feels good.

  “Okay, it sounds like a plan to me,” he says with a cheeky grin, “can I take you out tomorrow, it doesn’t have to be a date but we could have some fun,” he says before wagging his brows and it’s making me laugh. This is the Eli I know, maybe we will be okay.

  “Sounds like a plan, but you should know that I kind of have a bodyguard now. So there will be three of us, how does that sound to you?” I ask with a smirk.

  “I haven’t got any problems with threesomes, you should remember that,” he fires back and I don’t think as I smack him across the arm and we share a private smile that only we could ever understand.

  “ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS LEIGHBEAR?” Noah asks as I get ready to go out with Eli.

  “Honestly no, it feels weird and although this isn’t a date it fucking well feels like one,” I say as I line my eyes with a thick kohl line and a dusting of gold shadow.

  “Of course it does, you guys will never be just friends and you’re not even trying to be,” H says and we’re both staring at him trying to figure out how he feels about this.

  He’s used to sharing me with Noah, could he stretch that understanding to include Eli as well or is it too much for him? I won’t do anything that will hurt him, even if it means I let Elijah go before we even let it start.

  “I can cancel, if you want me to. I won’t do anything that you two aren’t okay with, you know that right?” I ask, taking the time to look at them both.

  “I’m keeping out of this one, you already know I’m okay with it. That being said I do have my limits, I don’t think I could share you with just anyone,” Noah says and I get where he’s coming from.

  “I don’t want anyone else Noah, there could only ever be two other guys for me beside you two and one of them I can’t be with. You won’t have to go through this with anyone else,” I say and I mean it.

  Each and everyone one of them matched me perfectly in their own way, I haven’t got it in me to open myself to anyone else, I only need them. I just need to remind myself to stop including Amias in that one. My stubborn bloody heart doesn’t seem to have gotten the message yet.

  “It’s weird for me but I will be okay, as long as I don’t lose you I can do it. Just no one else please, Eli and I guess Amias will be okay, but I don’t think I can stop myself from decking the next guy who takes a shot at you,” his fists are clenched and his jaw is tight. Oh yeah, I don’t doubt his words at all.

  I walk over to him and push his shoulders down until he perches on the edge of my bed so I can sit myself down within his lap and stroke my fingers across his jaw.

  “I promise you no one else will be coming into the mix and if anyone shows me even a hint of interest, I’ll sic you on them,” I say as he captures my fingers in his mouth and bites down making me gasp and Noah laughs thickly.

  “Finish getting ready woman, enjoy yourself and when you get back, I’ll be sure to finish what I started,” his words aren’t making sense in my lust fogged brain.

  “We both will,” Noah says his hand slips into my halter neck and teases my already hard nipple.

  I can’t contain the moan that slips free, but it turns to one of frustration as Noah moves away and Harrison lifts me off his lap.

  “Have fun woman,” he says before capturing me in a kiss so hot it could engulf us all in its flame.

  He pulls away before giving me one last heated stare and leaves me to finish getting ready, damn these guys are going to kill me. At least I’ll be happy. I really do have a weird way of looking at things.

  I DON’T KNOW where we’re going so I’ve donned a pair of bandage wrap leggings, a black tank top, ruffled skirt and heeled boots with laces going up the front. I also have a pair of flats in my bag just in case it isn’t heel friendly. I’m going to keep telling myself this isn’t a date but I can’t see myself believing it.

  I know he’s here, the door chimed a couple of minutes ago but I’m not rushing to him
. I want to give him and Noah a chance to talk. They used to be great friends but they’re not anymore, maybe that’s how it will always be or maybe they can reconcile. I’m hoping for the latter but I’m pushing it if I stay up here any longer. Time to pull my big girl knickers up and get this show on the road.

  I don’t know if they’ve been listening for me or not but all four guys are waiting by the stairs, although Sawyer is the only one who’s not staring at me, gotta love that guy right now.

  “Woman, you look gorgeous,” Harrison growls out, I’m glad he isn’t coming, he'd probably end up in a fight.

  “You look amazing my love, enjoy your non date,” Noah says with a wink and I can tell he believes my no date line as much as I do.

  “Are you ready to go sexy lady?” Eli asks and I better get him out of here quick because Harrison is getting that territorial look on his face.

  “See you soon,” I say, while awkwardly blowing a kiss at the pair.

  “Don’t forget what we said,” he growls and I gulp hard as I nod my head and drag Eli out of the house.

  “You know I never pictured you and Harrison, I think that’s why it was so hard for me but I get it now. I think,” he says as we get in his car and Sawyer climbs into the back and slips his headphones on.

  “I don’t think we pictured it either, but the heart wants what it wants,” I say quietly as I click my seatbelt in place and play with the frills on my skirt.

  “Okay, so here’s the deal. We’re going to go and play pool, we won’t mention the past or the guys, unless they come up naturally and we’re going to have fun. So, are you ready?” He asks with a megawatt smile and how could I refuse?

  It doesn’t take us long to drive there but it’s long enough for me to get trapped in my own mind, thinking about everything and worrying that someone may brush up against me. Will I freak out and what will Elijah do if that happens? Maybe we should have just stayed at my house and kept things on a more neutral footing. Then again, it wouldn’t be fair to him.