You'll Never Lose Me (The Never Series Book 4)

by B C Morgan

  “Hang on, what have I done to make you feel unwelcome. I don’t understand what’s gotten into you.”

  “You aren’t talking to me, you lay on the sofa flicking through crap and I don’t know what to do. Sure, now that I’m saying it out loud, it sounds ridiculous but you’re being different with me and I don’t like it,” I feel and sound pathetic but I can’t seem to stop it.

  He crouches down in front of me and I can tell by the way he moves his hands that he wants to take mine, but he doesn’t. I do however, hold myself tighter and brace myself against the chill that is consuming me right now.

  “I don’t know how to be around you Hen, I know how I want to act and what I want to do but I don’t know if it will affect you. Honestly, I couldn’t wait for you to get here but it’s harder than I thought. Actually…” he trails off as he gets up and leaves the room, what the fuck? I mean sure say all that stuff and then just walk away, thanks mate.

  My phone is going off in my pocket, but I don’t see any point in checking it. Noah isn’t going to be calling me until tomorrow and I doubt it will be Harrison. Although, what if it’s important?

  Tough guy: There’s no awkwardness when we text and I’m not saying we’ll spend the next week like this but... I think it will be easier for me to say what I need to, if I do it like this. Think you can humour me for a minute?

  I hear a throat clearing and I glance away from my phone to see him standing in the doorway, looking at me with the most intense look I have ever seen coming from him.

  “Go for it,” I say, he can text, but there’s no point in me doing it. He shakes his head, with a small smile forming on his mouth as he stays in the doorway and returns to his phone.

  I guess he’s either writing an essay or he’s slow at texting because nothing comes through, for at least five minutes.

  Tough guy: Okay, so I’m going to be completely honest and you can choose to ignore or brush over any part you don’t like or aren’t ready for. Either way, I’m saying it so it’s out in the open and you can get this ridiculous notion that I don’t want you here or that I only want friendship, from your pretty little head. Henleigh, every time I see you all I want to do is pull you into my arms and kiss you senseless and make it so you can’t think about anything other than what my mouth is doing. All innocent I swear.

  I can’t hold back my choked laughter that is taking me over as I look up at him and he’s just standing there, staring right at me.

  The thing is, I’m a touchy feely guy and I want to be able to touch you but I know you don't want that. I also know we’re taking things slow, but I can’t even hug you or hold your hand and it’s hard for me. I wasn’t expecting us to brush everything under the rug because you’re here now and I’m willing to go as slow as you need, but I have to be honest and this is all a part of it. So yeah, I have no idea how to act right now and I feel awkward as fuck. I want to be myself, but what if it makes you uncomfortable or hurts you? I don’t want to do that to you, I lost you once, I won’t risk it again. I…

  “I love you.”

  The only words he didn’t write down and his voice is so soft that it’s like a melody and a shiver travels down my spine, as I look up at him. He hasn’t moved an inch but his eyes are shining and I can see his hands trembling, just a little.

  Standing up, I have no idea what to do or say. I’m not ready to go there with him yet, but I do love him and it feels wrong not to say it back. I move closer until I’m only a hair's breadth away from him and I close my eyes as I hold my hand out. I soon feel the stumble on his cheeks grazing across my fingertips and my eyes flutter open. He’s so close I can feel his breath brushing across my face and the way his face is leaning into my hand makes my heart melt just a little.

  “Elijah, I love you too,” it falls out easily with no hesitation and his smile is blinding. “I don’t want you to act differently with me and I’ll let you know if anything is too much. I still want to go slow with you, but you need to know that the way you are feeling isn’t one-sided,” I brush my fingers down his cheek before pulling away and smiling gently.

  “Okay, I’ll be me,” he says as he grabs my hand and pulls me across the room and down onto the sofa. My heart races but it's manageable as he flicks a horror movie on and we sit together, we’re not touching but I feel close to him and I’m happy.

  “RIGHT I’M STARVING, time for dinner,” he suddenly says as he stands up before stretching his arms above his head. My traitorous eyes won’t move away from the flash of skin that I can see as the hem of his top rises up.

  “Hey, my face is up here,” he says with a grin and he winks as I finally drag my eyes up to meet his.

  “Yeah, yeah. Anyway,” I say, rubbing the back of my neck and I can feel my cheeks heating under the blush that is no doubt travelling across my face and down my neck. I wet my dry lips and his eyes follow the movement as I stand up and he steps closer.

  I’m looking right at him, as he suddenly steps back and laughs nervously before disappearing into the hallway and I jog to catch up to him.

  “What are you hungry for?” He asks, as he rummages around in the fridge.

  You. I can’t say that, but part of me wants to. I think food is a great idea and it should distract me long enough for my hormones to settle down.

  “Anything you feel like giving me,” I reply and he looks at me slowly as I start laughing, oh yeah I know how that sounded.

  “Careful what you say Hen,” he says thickly as his eyes darken and I can’t help but grip onto the surface for stability as my knees go weak.

  “Pizza,” it just comes out, and he laughs softly as he pulls out the ingredients and I can’t believe he’s going to make it. I thought he'd be ordering a take away, I didn’t even know he could cook.

  “Umm can I help?” I ask and he comes up to me and slowly puts his hands on my hips. I feel like a deer trapped in headlights as I stand stock still, his hands tighten slightly as my feet leave the ground and I’m quickly perched on the counter top.

  “Just sit there and look pretty, I’ve got the food taken care of,” he says with another wink as he drops a kiss on the corner of my mouth and walks off with a satisfied grin on his face.

  I turn my phone on and set it to play Lewis Capaldi’s album, he gives me a funny look but I don’t care if he’s judging me. These songs always make me feel better, and I don’t miss the way he’s mouthing along to the lyrics either.

  “What do you like on your pizza?” He asks, as he starts kneading out the dough and I can’t help but watch the way the muscles in his arms flex. Yum.

  “As long as it isn’t fruit I’m happy, fruit has no right going on a pizza,” I say and I can see his shoulders shaking as he holds in his laugh.

  “You are so fucking perfect Hen, I completely agree. Ham and pineapple is an abomination but what are you going to do?”

  He’s not expecting an answer so I won’t give him one, but I’m enjoying this more than I had anticipated. This feels good, right even. The two of us, chatting about everything and anything and just being together. It’s so easy to be with him and it feels normal, like we’ve been doing it for years. If this is a hint at our future, then I won’t knock it.

  BEST PIZZA EVER! Although I am rather biased seeing as Eli made it and I’m bat shit crazy about him. Why do I want to take things slow? I’m really struggling to remember my reasoning behind it.

  “Come on beautiful, I fancy watching the sunset and you’re the only person I want to watch it with,” he grabs my hand and our fingers interlock with little thought as he pulls me out into the garden and onto a bench.

  His arm is draped over the back of the bench and my neck connects with his arm as I lean back, but I don’t pull away and his fingers soon start rubbing my shoulder as we watch the sun dip below the horizon and the sky is engulfed in a blaze or reds and oranges.

  “It’s beautiful,” I say wistfully as I stare entranced but I can feel his eyes on me and I can’t stop myself fr
om looking at him.

  “Yeah, you are,” his eyes are brighter than the sky right now as he brings his head in closer and stares right at me as he drops a kiss onto my cheek. “I’m really glad you’re here Hen,” he says in a voice much deeper than it usually is and although I want to close the distance and press my lips against his, I won’t.

  Things are already feeling easier with him, maybe it won’t take me so long to get to a point where he can just grab me on an impulse and I’ll be okay with it. I look forward to the moment where I can brush my lips against his without an ounce of fear. I’m getting there and I know he’s worth the wait.

  I grab his hand and pull it across my chest as I lean my back against him and lay my head on his shoulder. I can feel him drop a kiss on my head and right here, right now is the only place I want to be.

  THREE DAYS HAVE PASSED SO QUICKLY, a lot faster than I wanted and I’ll soon be leaving to join Roxie and the girls. It doesn’t feel as exciting as I thought it would, is it because I don’t want to go or because I don’t want to leave Elijah?

  “Hey, I have a surprise,” Eli grumbles as he appears in my doorway, I’m guessing this surprise isn’t anything he planned.

  “What’s going on?” I ask, putting Elliot’s journal down, I feel bad that I haven’t read anymore of it lately, but I guess it will have to wait a little while longer.

  His eyes dart to the side right as a flash of purple bursts through the doorway and he only just manages to grab Ivy before she can throw herself at me.

  “What are you doing here?” Okay that sounds a lot ruder than I had intended, and she’s flipping me off before pulling me into her arms. Fuck.

  Hang on, I’m not reacting. Why aren’t I reacting? This should be making me freak the fuck out or at least make my heart race but... I feel fine.

  Elijah is just standing there, his mouth hanging open, and he’s looking at me as though I’ve grown a second head. The thing is, none of that matters right now as I throw my arms around Ivy and tears stream down my face. The first hug I’ve had from a person who hasn’t set me off, I didn’t have to get used to her or take it slow. Whatever I had planned for today can wait, I think Ivy is just what I need.

  Elijah pulls the door closed and gives us some privacy and I can tell by the black streaks running down her cheeks that I wasn’t the only one affected by our hug. She moves to stand in front of the mirror and starts fixing her makeup while I take her in, she’s still my pixie but her hair is now magenta with a violet fringe. I think she even has a tattoo but I’m only getting the odd glimpse, so I can’t be sure.

  “I don’t get it,” I’m not even talking to her but she comes over with her usual swagger and pulls me so I’m sitting on my bed.

  “What’s going on?” she asks, arching one eyebrow and I still don’t understand how people even pull it off.

  “You hugged me,” she’s staring at me as if to say, yeah so what. “It took me ages just to be able to let Noah and Harrison hold my hand. Sure it’s gotten easier but only with those I’m used to. I haven’t even seen you since Devon got us out,” I’m getting worked up as I speak but I don’t know why.

  “Sweetie, I’m not a guy. Maybe that’s why you didn’t react,” she points out and sure it’s valid, but it doesn’t add up.

  “Roxie set me off, this is what I’m saying. Why are you different?” It’s really bugging me, because if I can figure it out maybe I can find a way to make it apply to Elijah.

  “Maybe you want to find out what being with a girl is like,” she says with a wink, before blowing me a kiss.

  “Oh haha, you are hilarious. Please forgive me for forgetting to laugh,” I bite back and she can’t stop herself from hunching over in laughter.

  “Okay, clearly you’re not in a laughing mood,” she says sarcastically with a roll of her eyes. “Did you ever think that it may be that you trust me more? If that is the case then I have no idea what the fuck is going on in your head after all the shit I have done to you, but maybe that’s the reason,” she’s rubbing soothing circles across my back but I feel wound up right now and I can’t sit still.

  “I need to do something, I can’t be thinking about all of this right now,” I’m talking faster and faster and Ivy is suddenly in front of me with her hands on my shoulders.

  “No, we need to deal with this. Henleigh, have you forgiven me for all the shit I did? Answer me that and I’ll help you avoid the rest until the evening sets in.” Her eyes are searching mine and I need to take a minute to think about this before I answer, because the answer isn’t as simple as a yes or no.

  “I forgive you Ivy, it hurt that you pretended to be my friend,” my words catch in my throat but I need to push through it. “Then I realised it wasn’t pretend for you, when I thought over everything I realised you did care for me. You just didn’t know how to get out of the mess you were in and to be honest, I deserved it. I didn’t realise I trusted you though, not until right now. Although how could I not, you saved me Ivy. You put yourself at risk to help me, I think that more than balances out the deception.” My breathing is ragged now but I’m not done yet. “The thing I can’t stop wondering though is how you got to the house, why would Finley bring you there. What were you to him?” She shrinks back slightly from the intensity burning in my gaze, but she straightens her spine before rolling her shoulders back and looking at me dead on.

  “Finley was the guy I got messed up by, he’s the reason Elijah called me Trixie. He couldn’t wait to get onto the next girl when he realised I wasn’t willing to give it up to him but when he found out I was seeing someone else his attention soon got piqued,” I can see the weight of her sigh as it wracks her body and she slumps for a moment, before straightening back up. “I wasn’t going to give him the time of day until Amias approached me with this beast of a man,” her eyes widen and I can see respect, lust and fear battling it out within. “It was something to do with the house they found you in, no one was supposed to be in there but that Devon guy knew Finley was there. He just wasn’t sure if you were. All I had to do was get close to Finley and make him believe that I hated you enough to want you dead. He’s an imbecile and easy to fool, all I had to do was give him what he wanted. Me.”

  She slept with him, to save me. Can this shit get any crazier, how could she do that?

  “Ivy, I…” have no idea what to say, my words have abandoned me.

  “It’s okay Hen, I did what was necessary and no one else needs to know about it,” as if she needs to even say anything, I’ll take that tidbit with me to the grave.

  “Let’s go out and have some fun, but there’s something I want you to think about,” I nod my head at her pause before she smiles and threads her arm through mine. “Think of the people who can hold you, even stand close to you and ask yourself if you trust them. Then think about the people who set you off and ask yourself the exact same question.”

  Damn but when did Ivy get so wise and why am I so hesitant to think about it? I’m scared to know the answer. What if she’s right, I mean it would make sense. Scott could touch me within days and it wasn’t because he was gay, it’s because I feel safe with him.

  The same for Noah and Harrison, but why did it take so long for them? If trust is the issue with my touch phobia when it comes to people I know. I get why I don’t want a stranger near me, after what happened it makes sense. But I can’t pretend that I haven’t wondered why people I’ve known for two years, now set me off without fail.

  I had a minor reaction with Devon, but I didn’t freak out or have a flashback. Shit, because I never doubted that he only had my safety at heart. Sure he went about it all wrong and his actions caused me a whole world of hurt, but he still kept me safe. I do trust him, like I trust Scott, Noah and Harrison. So, why don’t I trust Elijah? Then again, maybe my fear of a reaction is what’s standing between us. Because I do trust him, therefore maybe I need to stop hiding behind my safety net and take another leap.

  “I’m ready to get goin
g,” I say, feeling numb as my head goes into overdrive and tries to work through everything. The problem with storing everything, there’s a lot to work through.

  “I’ve got a great idea, but have no fear if it’s not your kind of thing I’ll completely understand,” she says with a sly grin and a twinkle in her eye, heaven help me, what has she got planned?

  THIRTEEN

  AM I really going to do this? I’ve always wanted to, and I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it but now that I’m here and Ivy is holding my hand, I’m scared.

  “Yes or no, it’s up to you,” she says as she pulls her top over her head and throws it down on the stool.

  “Okay, let's do it,” I say and she wastes no time in giving me a high five before I’m escorted out of the room and lead into my own. I can’t believe I’m getting a tattoo.

  “It’s all drawn up, just show me where you want it,” Liz, my tattooist for the day, says.

  On the inside of my left arm, the side closest to my heart,” I reply, I’m trying for confidence but I can hear the shake in my voice and she smiles reassuringly.

  I’ve already told her about my touch phobia, she was hesitant to say the least but she’s willing to give it a shot if I am.

  “Are you ready hun?” She asks and I close my eyes and nod my head.

  I can feel her gloved hand holding onto my arm and a layer of sweat runs down my spine.

  “Okay, here we go,” she says as she switches the tattoo gun on and a wave of tingles spread up my arm as the needle vibrates against my skin.

  I open my eyes to watch as the needle drags across the pen outline, its amazing. It hurts sure, but it’s no worse than getting your ears pierced, I mean Ivy did say that certain places will hurt more and some can handle it easier but, it’s incredible.

  I watch as she moves up and down my arm, filling in the outline and stopping to add Petroleum jelly now and then.