by B C Morgan
“Okay hun, that’s the outline done. I’m going to add the shading now, are you sure you don’t want any colour added to it?” She asks, as she changes the needle and dips it into one of the ink pots.
“I’m not really a colourful person,” I say with a laugh and I’m surprised by how relaxed I feel right now. “Just that touch of red that we spoke about, that’s all I need.”
I relax back into the chair as she gets to work adding in the final details and although it’s a little more sore now, it’s still not painful. I think I may have to come back and get another one at some point, I just need it to be important enough to me that I will always want the reminder of it. Just like this one.
I HAVE no idea what Ivy is getting done, but she’s been in there for ages. I’m just sitting here flicking through the tattoo magazines and watching Sawyer as he talks about adding a tattoo to his chest. The guy always wears sleeves, I didn’t even know he had a tattoo.
My head is back in the magazine when I hear his voice. No, no, no. Please tell me I’m hearing things, but I know I’m not by the way Sawyer suddenly goes ramrod straight and turns around to stare him down.
“What are you doing here?” He asks, his voice this dark, foreboding sound that I never would have thought could come from him. It’s like lightning striking in a park full of trees, you know you should run for cover and get away from the danger, but you just can’t look away.
“I’m here for a tattoo,” his dark tone sets my skin ablaze, damn it Amias, why did you have to show up right now?
“Yeah, yeah likely story,” Sawyer bites out as he folds his arms across his chest and Amias wastes no time in copying the move.
I’m so glad his back is to me, hopefully this is just a coincidence, and he doesn’t even know I’m here. Although, when have I ever been that lucky?
“What are you doing here Saw, I heard you were down in Cornwall?” The underlying question is loud and clear, he knows where Sawyer has been which means, he knows I’m here or at least in Cambridge.
“Tasks change, you should know that better than anyone,” Sawyer replies and I see the flinch that takes over Amias, good serves him right.
“If you really knew Henleigh then you would know she is so much more than a task, she’s…” Sawyer’s hand is suddenly over his mouth and they’re gaining some very strange looks from the guy sitting behind the desk.
“I’d stop right there if I were you, for old times sake,” Sawyer cuts him off and I’m glad he does.
His eyes flick to me, the traitorous bastard and Amias just stops. He doesn’t move, he just stands there with his back straight until Sawyer pulls his hand away and he slowly turns around to look at me.
“Little cub,” his voice is filled with awe and there’s a softness that I’ve never heard before, but I can’t let it affect me.
“I’m going to wait outside Sawyer, I’ll make sure I stay in your line of sight,” I say, completely ignoring Amias before shouldering my way outside the door and stepping into the icy winter air.
I hear the bell above the door ring as the door is opened behind me and I turn around before he can get any notion of trying to reach for me. My eyes lock onto his, pain meets pain. There’s also a hardness in my stare that I know he’s never seen before. I need to be hard right now, anything less and I’ll fall into him and I know this time, I won’t stop.
“I heard you were here, but I didn’t believe it,” he says, he starts to walk closer but he must see something in the look on my face as he comes up short and shoves his hands into his pockets. He starts rocking back and forth on his heels and I’ve never seen him this nervous before.
“Who told you?” I ask and I can certainly give him a run for his money with the layer of ice that follows my words.
“Someone from Devon’s people, for some reason a few of them still like me and let me know that you’re okay. I won’t tell you who, I’d rather they don’t get punished for it,” he replies, still staring at the ground.
“I wouldn’t let that happen, I don’t enjoy causing suffering in others,” I say coldly, but his flinch doesn’t make me feel good, it just adds to the suffering that I’m already feeling at seeing him again.
His eyes run over me and stop at the cling film wrapped around my arm, I see the surprise register on his face before it's replaced with a blank mask.
“You got a tattoo.”
“You should find a job with those impressive observational skills,” I retort, my tongue dripping sarcasm like it's honey.
“Henleigh,” it falls out on a sigh and it's full of his frustration, how did he expect me to react? Was I supposed to be happy about seeing him? How do I feel now that I’m looking at him?
“Are you over me Henleigh, did I destroy everything that was between us so thoroughly that you can never forgive me? Is it really over between us, for good?” He sounds fearful but I can also hear the waiver of hope that I may still harbour a semblance of positivity towards him, that I may still want him.
“What did you think would happen? That I would never find out and we could live happily ever after until Devon reappeared and pulled the rug out from under us. Because I was always going to find out Amias, but I don’t think you ever planned on telling me yourself. How can I be with someone that could trick me so thoroughly? How can you expect me to believe anything you say? As far as I know, it was all a trick. I was a job to you and that’s it,” I shout, my heart racing as the anger floods my bloodstream and heats me like its magma.
“Henleigh, it was all real for me. I am not that good of an actor, I was never supposed to kiss you or touch you. I was supposed to keep an eye on you, be a friend if I had to be and that was it. I was under strict instructions to never get too close, but I couldn’t stop myself,” he drags his fingers through his hair before closing the distance between us. He doesn’t touch me, but he’s close enough that he could if he wanted to, I want to move away but it would only be showing him weakness and I can’t do that. “I fell for you and I was always going to, don’t you see that. You are incredible, who wouldn’t fall in love with you given half the chance. I know you loved me, can you really say it's gone? And if you can’t, can you ignore it? And what about the others, especially Harrison, you can forgive him but not me?” He’s got this steely resolve in his eyes and it's screaming at me that he’ll never let me go, the funny thing is, it isn’t his decision. I also do not appreciate the condescending way he speaks about Harrison and I won’t stand for that.
“It doesn’t matter,” he rolls his eyes at my words but it won’t stop me from saying the rest. “Because although love may be this great and powerful thing, it’s also a weakness. That’s why I stayed with you even after knowing what you did. Because I loved you and that love made me weak, loving you near enough destroyed me Amias. But they don’t, Noah, Harrison, even Elijah. They make me strong and fill me with courage and a strength I never thought I’d possess, do you honestly believe you could have the same effect on me? Because I don’t think it’s even worth us having this conversation, if you can’t say yes.” I won’t take my eyes from him and he can’t say anything, I can see his struggle to find the right words and that’s how I know he isn’t worth the pain. He won’t say what’s on his mind and I don’t need pretty words that need thought and time before I can hear them.
“Is everything okay out here?” I glance over Amias’ shoulder to see Ivy standing in the doorway and her eyes narrow at the way he’s standing over me. He isn’t meaning to be intimidating, it's just the way he is and to be fair, he isn’t intimidating me.
“It’s fine Pixie, in fact I think I’m ready to go grab a bite to eat,” I reply with an easy smile and she gives me one last look before ducking back inside to retrieve Sawyer. I’ll be surprised if he has any teeth left by the way he’s been grinding them, as he watched us from the window. I’m glad he gave us space though, it was easier without an audience.
They come out and he still hasn’t said a thing to me, I shake my head at hi
m before stepping away and walking around him. Although I do have one last thing to say, I may not enjoy causing suffering, but sometimes the truth has to be said even if it will hurt.
“I may still love you Amias, I mean of course I do. That level of feeling doesn’t just go away, no matter how much I wish it will, but it doesn’t matter. Loving you is a weakness I don’t need in my life and do you know why it’s a weakness for me?” He shakes his head, his eyes imploring me for something that I cannot give. “Because you aren’t strong enough to speak your mind without a second thought, you say what you think I want to hear and I can’t trust that. You’re calculating and you're cruel, someone who enjoys causing suffering in others. I would have loved you fully and completely without asking for anything more than honesty and your love in return, but none of that means anything when it comes from you. You don’t deserve me and I do deserve better.” My voice is strong, even though I’m breaking inside. I feel like an avalanche is working its way down to me and I will soon be buried under the debris, never to see the light of day again.
I turn around and join up with Ivy and Sawyer, my heart breaking and my tattoo itching and not only because it’s a new wound. It itches because of what it represents and I hate myself for what I just said to Amias. If I could take it back, I think I would but instead I’m going to carry on walking and pretend the tears running down my face are nothing more than raindrops from the sky. If I pretend I’m not breaking, then maybe it will stop feeling as though I am. He deserved every word I said, at least I think he did. I roll my shoulders back and my breathing falters as Ivy slips her hand into mine and lends me her strength. I almost stop breathing when Sawyer wraps his arm around my shoulders and rubs the top of my arm. My family is so fucked up, but it's what they are. It just took this long for me to realise that they were included within it, they’re more than just friends or bodyguards, they are my family and I’ll make sure they know that by the time everything's said and done.
“ARE YOU SURE YOU’RE OKAY?” Ivy asks for the umpteenth time.
“Yeah, I just didn’t realise how much anger and pain I’d feel at seeing him again,” I say as I rub at my arm causing her to slap my hand away.
“Are you going to tell me what you got?” She asks with a perfectly raised eyebrow, how does she instil so much attitude into that one move.
“Nope, but once I take the wraps off, I’ll send you a picture,” I say with a wag of my eyebrows and her eyes narrow at my refusal.
“Fine, then I won’t show you mine,” she says with her arms folded across her chest, but I know she will. She's really excited about it.
“Whatever you say my angry little pixie,” if it’s possible I think her eyes have narrowed further, I’m surprised she can still see anything.
“You know me so well,” she turns around and lifts the back of her top to show me her back, it’s of a Phoenix rising up from the ashes. It’s incredible and I’m in awe.
“It’s taken three sittings to get this bad boy finished and I’m beyond happy by the way it’s turned out,” I can hear her happiness in her voice and its shining from her eyes as bright as the sun on a cloudless day.
“What does it represent?” I ask, beyond dying to know.
“My life and all the crap I’ve endured to get to where I am. Rebecca for finding what she truly wanted in the wake of destruction,” she doesn’t look at me as she says that part. “Harrison for overcoming his injury and finally telling his bastard of a father where to go and you. If you look closely you’ll see I mean it as well,” there’s an edge to her voice, is she worried?
I lean closer and see the flames haloing its head and written in the flames are the names of the four people she mentioned. Well blow me, I was not expecting that.
“You didn’t have to do that Ivy, putting my name on your skin is a huge deal,” I point out, I don’t think I’m handling this very well.
“Why is it? Even if we’re no longer talking in five, ten years. It won’t change the way that you made me want to be better, I’ll always love you for that. Besides, you deserve to be there and it’s my back and I’ll do what I want,” the last part has a bite to it and I can’t argue with her. People really do have the strangest ways of surprising you.
MY NUMBNESS HAS WORN off and I no longer feel like I’m going through a complete emotional overload. I’m just glad to be back at Elijah’s but I have no idea where he’s gone. Sawyer is watching some crap on the telly and I’m just sitting here in my room, debating whether I can handle anymore revelations today.
I feel as though I have to get to the end of his Journal, but I’m not enjoying it. I don’t feel as though I’m close to him, all I’m discovering is how little I really knew him. He was living a completely different life and the way he talks about our parents is eye opening. I know mum got bad after El died, but from what he writes, she was so far down the rabbit hole even the sun couldn’t light her way anymore. Then again the biggest shock is dad, he closed himself off sure, but I never would have accused him of being unethical.
“Hen,” I hear being called from downstairs and I know it’s Elijah, my palms feel clammy as it sinks in what I’m about to do.
I leave the room quickly and practically skip down the stairs, I wasn’t expecting him to be waiting at the bottom and I can't get this ridiculous smile off my face.
“Hey beautiful, how was your day?” He asks and his eyes are skimming me over before returning to mine.
“It was good, Ivy is coming round again tomorrow but she’s promised to leave us to it afterwards,” I say, my smile refusing to go or even dim a little.
“Sounds good to me, and I’m glad you’ve had fun,” he says and I can see his fingers flexing and I know he wants to reach out to me, but he’s holding himself in check.
“Ivy has this theory regarding people being able to touch me and if you’re willing,” I take a deep breath in, my heart slamming against my rib cage as my nerves set in. “Would you help me figure out if she’s onto something?” I ask quietly, my eyes darting around as I wait for his answer.
“Of course, anything for you Hen. What do you need me to do?” He asks, his tone soft and almost soothing.
“Will you touch me and I know how that sounds but I don’t mean sexually, I swear,” my words rushing out of me in one jumbled stream.
“Hey, calm down. If that’s what you need then of course,” he says as he steps closer and moves a hand from his side and brings it up to my face.
He isn’t touching me yet, but I swear I can feel it as it ghosts across my cheek. My eyes flutter closed as his hand makes contact and his thumb brushes across my skin and I can feel his other hand resting on my hip. He moves his fingers, kneading my flesh and I think I’m ready to open my eyes because I know nothing is going to happen. Ivy was right, I trust Elijah, and he isn’t causing anything bad to arise within me. My eyes flutter open just as his mouth presses against mine. It’s soft and fleeting but the taste of him sends electricity shooting down my spine and I lean forward as he pulls away.
“Sorry, well actually I’m not sorry at all,” he says with a wink and a devilish grin. “I just couldn’t help myself,” his thumb brushes across my cheek once more before he steps back but the smile hasn’t fallen at all.
“Elijah,” I breathe out and I don’t know what I’m doing as I step forward, cup my hand behind his neck and pull his mouth down to mine.
What are you doing? You’re supposed to be taking things slow. I hate my inner voice and she can jog on if she thinks I’m going to be listening right now.
His hand slides into my hair as he cups the back of my head and tilts it so he can deepen the kiss, my body is on fire and he’s doing nothing to extinguish it. If anything, he’s merely fuelling the flame.
My hands press against his chest, as my fingertips dig in and I won’t be surprised if he has crescents where my nails have been. His hands move down to my hips until he’s holding both firmly in his grip. I gasp and he takes that mome
nt to dip his tongue into my mouth and tangle his with my own.
My hands work up to his shoulders and my legs wrap around his waist of their own volition, my hips jerk as he squeezes my arse and I can’t contain the deep moan that works its way through me.
He breaks away and rests his head against mine as our ragged breathing mixes together and all I want is to have his mouth back on mine.
“What are we doing Hen? This doesn’t feel like we’re taking things slow,” he says but he can’t keep the heat from his eyes and it’s scorching me.
“I know, why are you ruining it?” I grumble and I want to laugh at the way I sound, how is he keeping such a straight face?
“Henleigh, I don’t want you to look back on this and be filled with regret. You wanted to take it slow and I’m happy to do that, whatever it takes,” he says as his thumb catches on my bottom lip and pulls it down before it bounces back to its original position.
“Elijah, I won’t look back on this moment with regret. Unless I don’t do the one thing I really want and that’s being with you. Just be here with me, please,” I say as I pull his bottom lip into my mouth and gently bite down.
That’s all it takes for him to squeeze me tighter and stumble up the stairs, with me still in his arms. I slide back down his body as we move away from the top of the stairs and we’re tugging at each other’s clothes. Fabric is ripping as I tear his shirt from him and my cami is soon lying on the floor as nothing more than strips of material.
We stumble into the door, my back slamming into the door knob and it barely even registers. I put my hand behind me and open the door as his hands cradle my face and make sure our lips don’t stop connecting. I can’t get enough of the taste of him as I move backwards until the backs of my legs hit his bed and I fall backwards.
He’s standing there staring at me, as I lie here in my leggings and bra. His hands circle my ankles as he pushes his hands up my legs, moving slowly and drawing out the torment. His fingers soon dip into the hem of my leggings though, and it can’t come soon enough as he pulls my leggings and underwear down in one fell swoop.