Painting Home

by Jolma, Erika;

  They had known the Germans were marching toward them for weeks now, but Tanya still carried a glimmer of hope that maybe the men on the front would be able to hold off the invasion.

  "I wonder if we'll see them. The Germans. Will they just march down our street with Nazi flags and rifles?" Tanya broke the silence first.

  "I hope not! I've been praying they'll just march on through on their way to Moscow and leave us alone."

  "Well, keep praying. We don’t want them to camp out here in Leningrad."

  "Keep praying? Are you changing your mind about God?" Vera gazed at her, as if trying to read her heart.

  Maybe she did.

  "Tanya. Have you changed your mind about God?" Vera's dark eyes seemed to bore holes into her consciousness.

  Tanya opened her mouth to respond but no words came out.

  52

  Kalajoki, Finland

  Anna stared across the table as Mr. Ranta scooped a spoonful of salmon and potato soup into his mouth.

  "What are you saying?" her father asked him.

  "I'm saying that I saw Mr. Korkonen at the store and he told me that he is concerned that Kalajoki doesn't have enough food stored up for winter."

  Last winter had been very sparse for all of them—Finland had lost more than half of her fish packing capacity with the loss of Karelia. Coupled with the flood of refugees, many in Northern Finland had gone hungry. In fact, in the last few weeks of spring last year, their family had survived on bread and milk alone.

  "Isn't this winter supposed to be different?" Anna interrupted. "We have Karelia back. Why can't we just go in and start packing fish again?"

  "I wish we could." The wistful look in Mr. Ranta's eyes told Anna that he missed his home and his livelihood. "I'd love to go back. But right now, they're saying no civilians in or out of Karelia."

  "But surely that will change before long?"

  "I hope so, but regardless, I think we should plan for food shortages again this winter. Better safe than regret it later."

  Mr. Ranta and Anna’s father had developed a trusting friendship during the year and a half they’d shared a home.

  Now her father looked worried. "What can we do?" he asked.

  "I think we need to start limiting food intake in our household. Try to stretch food as far as we can. Mr. Korkonen said that we should stock up on simple things like canned fish and flour. Then, at least, we have the supplies to survive."

  Anna sighed. This was exactly why she wanted to go to America. So she didn't have to worry about things like war and food shortages. Surely Matti would understand that when he got home. She'd just tell him how hard it had been for them to get by for the last two winters and explain that they could build a wonderful life together in the land of promise. She was certain he would agree. "Hey, have you heard from Matti lately?" She looked toward Mr. Ranta.

  After more than a month of silence, she had gotten several backlogged letters after he had reached his camp on the border.

  "Oh, yes, I almost forgot. You got a letter from him today." Mr. Ranta took the letter out of his pocket and handed it to Anna.

  She fingered the letter and frowned. It seemed thinner than his usual letters. She quickly spooned soup into her mouth, anxious to find a private place to read his words. Oh, how she missed him. "May I please be excused?" She looked hopefully at her father.

  "Sure. Just come back and help your mother with the dishes when everyone else is finished."

  Anna raced out of the room before he changed his mind. Tearing open the envelope as she slammed the door shut, she anxiously read Matti's words. She sank onto the couch, the words seeming to punch her in the chest. She scanned again, hoping she had read them wrong.

  It turns out you are not the woman I thought you were.

  What could that mean? She racked her brain, trying to think of what she had written in her last letter. Was it that she had told him she was hoping for a fall wedding? Did he think she was pushing him too quickly?

  I'm glad I figured it out before it was too late.

  A wave of nausea swept up from her chest. She crinkled the letter in her hands.

  She had scared away Matti—the only man she had ever loved. Sobs bubbled up from her heart and she wept. All of her dreams and hopes for her future had been destroyed in one short letter. She had given up everything for him, waited for him, put her entire hope for the future in him. And he had thrown it all back at her because he’d been scared away when she actually wanted him to settle down. Anna clutched her stomach, trying to push back the pain that seemed to penetrate her entire body. "Matti," she cried out, sniffling.

  Even though he wasn't the man she thought he was, he was still the man she loved deeply. It would take her a long time to get over him.

  Maybe forever.

  ~*~

  The irony was that exactly one day after Matti broke up with her she got the letter saying her visa had been approved. At least she didn't have to make a tough decision.

  Anna moaned. She should be thrilled to be in possession of that letter, but her heart couldn't seem to let go of Matti. And her head couldn't seem to accept that he didn't want to be with her anymore. Anna pulled out the letter from the embassy and read it again.

  Anna Ojala, your visa to the United States under the sponsorship of Mrs. Mary Simo in Astoria in the State of Oregon has been approved. Please submit your travel paperwork to our offices at your convenience.

  So it was settled. She was going to Oregon.

  She would have to tell her parents soon. She had money set aside from her time working at the market to buy her passage.

  She was finally going to America. Her dreams were finally coming true. So why did she feel as though she’d just lost everything she’d ever wanted?

  53

  Leningrad, Russia

  Verushka let out one last wail and sank into Tanya's shoulder, finally giving in to sleep. "I think she's asleep."

  "Praise the Lord." Vera sighed softly from the chair next to the fireplace where she’d been sitting hunkered under a blanket all day.

  Tanya gently stroked the baby's soft head and rubbed her hands over her icy feet. She set the sleeping child on Vera's lap and tightly wrapped another quilt around both of them. Maybe Vera's body heat would keep the baby warm.

  She turned to Vera's old dining table, lying top-down next to the hearth. The legs had already been burned, and half of the antiqued Russian pine top was chopped ready to go into the fire. Tanya looked out the window, glaring at the snow and ice accumulated on the streets. Even if they only had one fire a day, there was only enough wood left for three or four more days.

  A moan from Verushka pulled her out of her thoughts. A fresh wave of grief burrowed up into her throat. Her baby was so hungry, so cold. "Oh, Vera, what will we do?"

  Vera's eyes closed and her mouth began to move in what Tanya knew was silent prayer. The old woman had grown more quiet over the last few weeks, often retreating into her chair for hours at a time.

  Sighing deeply, Tanya closed her eyes as well, allowing herself a moment's respite.

  What would they do? Vera's carefully planned out food stores had run out five days ago, leaving them with nothing left to feed themselves or the baby. A trip to the gastronom yesterday had revealed that there wasn't any food left in the city. Grocery store shelves were empty. Restaurants were closed. And thousands of starving people braved the icy cold streets in hopes of finding something to eat.

  "Maybe you could visit Agripina?" Vera's question startled Tanya out of her pensive worry. "Maybe her family has some stores."

  "I can't go to Agripina."

  "Why not? The streets are no colder than the house is." Vera frowned at the dwindling pile of furniture that was now their only source of heat.

  "No, it's not the cold, Vera. Agripina and I had a falling out," Tanya said.

  "And?" Vera waited.

  "It's just that every time I see her, I can't help but think of Feodora."

&nb
sp; Vera's shoulders trembled. "I miss her too."

  "I just wish the Germans would invade!" Tanya couldn't help but giggle through her tears at the irony of that statement. A month ago, she would've been called crazy for saying it, but now nearly every Leningrader felt the same way. It wasn't that they welcomed the violence of an invasion, but anything seemed better than the waiting. And freezing.And starving.

  Vera once again closed her eyes. She looked so tired and weak that Tanya had to wonder how much of her own food she was secretly passing to Verushka.

  Tanya was doing the same thing…as much as she could. But it wasn't fair to Vera, especially considering how much it seemed to be affecting her.

  "Vera, are you giving your food to Verushka?" The words slipped out of her mouth before she could hold them in.

  "Oh, honey…" Vera's voice trailed off, her eyes drifting to the tiny sleeping form in her lap. "We need to get help soon, don't we?"

  "Yes, we do."

  "Would you like me to go see Agripina?"

  Tanya studied the old woman. Vera couldn't go, not when she hardly had the energy to get out of her chair. No, Tanya would have to face her old friend. Face the memories. And maybe even the talk of God.

  Why was Agripina’s name like salt in an open wound? Was it because she reminded her of Feodora? Or was it the fact that Agripina knew her terrible secret?

  "I will go to Agripina tomorrow." Tanya promised Vera before she could change her mind.

  ~*~

  Tanya wrapped her scarf tightly around her neck and headed out into the freezing cold air. The wind beat against her cheeks, stabbing icicles beating into her skin. She pulled her scarf up to cover her nose.

  "Here we go," she whispered.

  She hadn't been outside in weeks. When the first air raid started, they had hunkered down and spent their days inside, hoping to avoid the next bombing raid. It had been fun for a while—they’d read books and played games and listened to the radio. Then the temperature had dropped and the first snow had come early.

  Then they ran out of food. And fuel.

  Vera's once cozy house had quickly become an icy, dark prison. Tanya shivered in the nearly empty streets, wondering if she was risking too much to go out right now.

  Searching for signs of German soldiers, Tanya saw only cold and weary pedestrians, most likely out in search of food. Every person she passed had cloudy eyes and a reserved face, as if realization of their situation had finally dawned.

  Tanya turned onto Agripina's street. She ducked her head and stepped quickly, not allowing herself to think about the way she had left things with Agripina.

  What if Agripina turned her away at the door?

  "It's time to find out." The steam of her breath floated in front of her as she tapped the brass knocker.

  The maid peeked her head out of a crack in the door, looking pale and gaunt.

  "Hello. Is Agripina here?"

  The maid stood grim faced and gestured for her to come inside. Stepping out of the cold, Tanya fidgeted in the front entryway while the maid hurried to find Agripina in the darkened house.

  Five minutes later, Agripina whirled into the room wearing a fur-lined parka and high leather boots. Even in the cold, her smile sparkled below her dark, cloudy eyes. "Tanya! You're all right."

  "I'm sorry Agripina. I shouldn't have left as I did last time." Agripina's smile softened her heart in a way that no words could.

  "It's all right. We are all under so much stress! It's a wonder we don't all scream and yell at each other more often."

  "How are you?" Tanya blinked back tears at her friend's kind words of forgiveness.

  "I've been better, Tanya," Agripina's voice trembled. Tanya noticed the dark circles that showed under her eyes over what was once porcelain skin.

  "It's horrible….what these Germans are doing."

  "I know. This is worse than an invasion, if you ask me."

  "I agree. We don't have any food left." Tanya looked at her friend hopefully.

  "We're down to our last stores." Agripina looked toward the kitchen. "But let me go see if we have anything. If anyone should eat, it should be a mama with a baby."

  "Oh, no, I couldn't ask you to give up your last provisions."

  Agripina grabbed her gloved hand and led her into a huge kitchen. Opening a door on the side, she stared at empty shelves. "We have two cans of sausages and a tiny bit of powdered milk. Would Verushka want those?"

  "I can't take those. That's all you have." She shuddered at the thought of her friend starving while they ate her last provisions.

  Agripina pressed the cans into Tanya's hand and smiled. "No, really, it's all right, Tanya. We'll be fine. I heard that the city is now selling bread to citizens. It's part of the new rationing program."

  "A rationing program?" Tanya's eyes pleaded with Agripina for any news that would save her baby.

  "Yes. Every citizen is entitled to 250 grams of bread a day."

  "How much is that?"

  "No idea, but it's something. Here, let me find you the details of where you can go to register."

  Agripina came back a few minutes later with a small piece of paper, reading from it as she talked. "It looks as though you go to one of the kiosks that they've set up all around town and you register. Then you show up and trade stamps for bread once a week."

  Tanya was glad there was something for them. "I can't help but wonder if this is what the Germans want. You know, just kill off the entire city and fill it with good Germans."

  Agripina's face darkened. "No one is that cruel, Tanya. No one."

  "I'm not so sure." Tanya hesitated. Did she really want to reveal her thoughts to Agripina?

  "What's going on? You can tell me, you know." Agripina read her mind, giving her no choice.

  "I guess I just can't sit here and let my baby starve. I have to do something to save her."

  "Isn't that why you came to me?"

  "Well, yes, but…" Tanya waved at the empty pantry. "You can't exactly help much. And I wouldn’t expect you to."

  "So, what are you thinking of doing?"

  "Maybe if I…maybe I can find someone, somehow to get us some food."

  Agripina's mouth dropped open. "No, Tanya. No."

  "Do I have a choice?"

  "We always have a choice. I know you don't like me to talk about God, but I do believe that God has a plan in all this. We have to trust Him. We have no other option."

  "But I do have other options. I can…well, I can use what I have to get food for my baby." Tanya put on her bravest face. She would do whatever it took for Verushka.

  "Let's think about this. Let's say you head out to the lines. The Red Army soldiers are taking quite the beating, so that leaves the Germans. Do you think they want anything to do with a Russian prostitute?" Agripina's face contorted as she said the words.

  "They're far from home. Maybe they want a night of comfort?" Tanya hated her words.

  "But they hate us. Look how they've treated us. They'd kill you on the spot."

  Tanya's eyes brimmed with tears as she considered her options. "Well, then, what about the Finns? They're camped out on the north end of the city."

  Agripina looked out the window, her brow furrowing into a frown. "Tanya, please. Just go home and wait this out. And…"

  "And what?"

  "This may sound crazy, but I feel as if God has told me that Verushka will survive this. She'll be all right."

  "But she needs me to help her survive. I'm her only hope."

  "God is her only hope, Tawnie. Can't you see that?"

  "I…I wish I believed." Tanya let the words that had filled her heart over the last few weeks slip out. It would be so comforting if she could turn to God and trust Him like Vera and Agripina and even Feodora did.

  Agripina wrapped her in a hug, warmth emanating from her and causing Tanya to sink into her friend's embrace. But she pulled back. "You know He loves you, even though you’ve walked away from Him. He is up in heaven now,
intervening at His Father's feet, that your heart will be softened to Him, that you’ll turn to Him in your hour of need."

  "Come to me, beloved." The words were almost audible, and for a flurry of a moment, Tanya's heart considered it. Had she ever really stopped believing at all? Not really, she had always felt His presence even through these months without Him. Oh, what it would be like to throw herself into the arms of her loving Savior. Should she? Could she?

  No. She had drifted too far.

  "I can't." Tanya's voice trembled as she looked at her friend's teary eyes. "He would never take me after what I've done."

  "There is no sin that can separate you from His love, my dear."

  "Says the girl who has lived a perfect life."

  Agripina sighed. "Hardly. Trust me, I've had my share of sins, one being living in this house of luxury and allowing potential sisters in Christ to struggle on the streets without ever noticing their need."

  Tanya swallowed hard, blinking back icy tears. "I wish I could turn to God, Agripina, but I just can't. Not when I've learned the hard way that the only one I can truly trust is myself."

  54

  Kalajoki, Finland

  "I will be leaving on November eighteenth for Hango." Anna finished her dissertation, not daring to look into her parent's eyes.

  "You already bought your tickets?" Her mother looked up, panic showing in her eyes.

  "Yes, I went down to the station yesterday and bought everything I need. I'll even have some money left over to give to Aunt Mary once I arrive." Anna smiled, hoping her trembling voice wouldn't betray the fact that she was as torn up about this trip as her parents were.

  "But what about Matti?" Mrs. Ranta's chin trembled as she joined the conversation for the first time.

  "He doesn't want to be with me." The words tasted bitter on her tongue.

  "That doesn't sound like Matti." Mrs. Ranta said firmly, not even looking up at Anna. "It must be a mistake."

  "No!" Anna pulled the folded letter out of her pocket as proof. "Read for yourself. He says I’m not the woman he thought I was."

  Mrs. Ranta took the letter and read carefully. "Did you two fight?" Mrs. Ranta set her jaw firmly, clearly both angry and confused.