“Anna…” The man's voice caught, as if he were holding back tears.
“Do I know…” Then she saw him. Her pulse raced in her throat. Was she dreaming? “Matti? Is it really you?”
“Anna. Can I come in?”
She backed up against the wall, holding the door open so Matti and the woman could enter the mud room. She closed her eyes, inhaled his scent as he came close. She clenched the folds in her skirt to keep from reaching out to him. No. She must gain control of her spinning emotions.
What was he doing here?
“Anna. I'm sorry to surprise you like this, but I can explain…”
Her mother's voice carried through the hallway, interrupting their awkward silence. “Who is here, Anna?”
Her mother turned the corner, her hand flying up to her heart. “Matti?”
“Hello, Mrs. Ojala.”
“Anna, run and get Mr. and Mrs. Ranta. Now!”
But Anna’s feet felt like two icicles, frozen in place with fear, her heart thumping wildly into her chest.
“Anna? Did you hear me?”
“It's all right, Mrs. Ojala. I'll go get them.” Matti turned away from her and she had to force her hands to remain still—the desire to touch his cheek almost magnetizing.
“The baby?” A look of horror crossed her mother's as she looked from Matti to the strange woman and back again. “Is she…yours?”
“No. She isn't.”
“Then who are they?”
“Can we get my parents first? I'll explain to you all at once.” Matti smiled his typical Matti grin, making Anna fear her knees would collapse and she would slide to the cold floor.
“Of course you can. Run and get them and I'll set some extra plates at the breakfast table. You must be starving.”
“Yes ma'am. I am.” And with that, Matti hesitated for an instant, looking at her and then back at the door before walking into the other room.
Anna turned to the strange woman who still stood in the doorway with wide eyes. “Hello? What's your name?”
The woman just blinked several times with tears running down her face. Then she kissed the baby’s head and closed her eyes as if saying a silent prayer.
“Are...are you all right?”
The woman stood still, as if she hadn't even heard her.
Anna’s mother began to help the strange woman with her coat. She hung the parka on the hooks and then pulled the woman into the kitchen.
Could this woman be his girlfriend? Was she the reason he had broken up with her? Anna’s heart started to beat faster. That made sense. He was in love with someone else. Anna swallowed a sob and leaned against the wall.
“Anna, are you all right?” Her mother turned backward to Anna who was still frozen in place by the door.
“I think so. I just…I thought I'd never see him again.”
Her mother tilted her head and pursed her lips. “You still love him, don't you?”
A hiccup of a sob.
“I'll never stop loving him. I'll never, ever stop.”
~*~
Matti was having a hard time focusing on the questions that his parents and the Ojalas asked him. He couldn't think of anything except for the green eyes doing everything they could not to look at him. And those rosebud lips that he wanted to kiss more than anything.
And the woman who had broken his heart without even thinking twice.
“Come again?” He looked at his mother who had settled in next to Tanya and kept reaching over to tickle Verushka's chin, willing himself to concentrate on her question.
“You drove all through the night to get here?”
“Yes. I left Helsinki around eight and drove as quickly as I could to get here. I wanted to get here in time for breakfast.”
“And do you have to go back?”
Matti bit his lip. Oh, how he wished he didn't. “Right now, I'm AWOL. My unit commander was with me when we found Tanya and the baby, so he's doing his best to hold everyone off, telling them a story that I’m missing in the woods. If I don't get back soon, I may risk military discipline.”
Anna blanched. Why did she care about him still?
“When do you have to go?” His mother was relentless.
“There's a supply run going into Karelia on Saturday morning. I'm hoping to catch it out of Helsinki.”
“So you can stay for almost two days?” Mrs. Ranta's eyes brightened.
“Yes. As long as no one in town notices I'm here. And no one at this table says anything about it.”
Everyone nodded in solemn agreement.
“You'll take care of Tanya and the baby? You know, when I'm gone?” Matti asked his mom, his eyes pleading.
“Of course I will. As though she's my own.” Mrs. Ranta turned to Tanya and said in stilted Russian. “We will take care of you. You are safe now.”
Tanya nodded, her eyes damp.
“I knew I could count on you, Mama.” Matti smiled too. Tanya and Verushka would be in good hands with his mother. And Mrs. Ojala.And Anna. Not Anna. She was leaving. “When are you leaving, Anna?” he asked evenly, willing himself not to reveal the turmoil he felt in his soul.
“Leaving?’ Her gaze locked on his.
"For America?”
“How did…you know about that?”
“I ran into Johannes. He told me.” Matti tried to keep the ice out of his voice, even though every part of him wanted to chastise her for leaving him without so much as a note.
“Oh.” Anna looked as if she had been struck by flak from a Russian plane.
Mrs. Ranta looked from Matti to Anna and back again. “You knew she had applied for a visa, Matti?”
“Of course I did. That's why I broke it off with her.” The cold words rushed out of his mouth before he was able to rein them in.
“But I…” Anna stuttered, tears falling readily down her cheeks. “I wasn't planning on going without you, Matti. I applied without thinking and was going to turn it down if it came in before you got back…”
Matti glared at her. Likely story. Why wouldn’t she have just told him that instead of keeping it hidden?
Anna let out a moan and turned to her father. “Please excuse me.” She ran out of the room, her shoulders shaking with sobs.
Doubt scampered across his heart.
Wasn't she the one who had decided to move to America without him? He shrugged his shoulders, doing his best to hide his own tumultuous emotions from the others at the table.
“You came back just in time, Matti,” his mother said. “She's leaving on Monday.”
“Just in time for what? You heard that she doesn't love me?”
“Oh, yes, she does.”
“Well, even if she does, I don't think I can trust her.” Hearing the words made Matti's stomach tighten. Because even if he couldn’t trust her, he still loved her. He probably always would.
~*~
She would have to talk to him—after all, it wasn't as though she could avoid him for the next two days. He hadn't betrayed her. Instead, she had betrayed him. But what could she say? That she was sorry? That she had never meant to hurt him? That she…still loved him? No. It was too late for that. But at least she could do the decent thing and send him back to the front with an explanation.
She couldn't bear the thought of leaving for America while he was so angry. Or of him going back to the front with all of this emotional turmoil surrounding him.
Anna pushed off of her cot and headed into the living room where Matti sat with his parents. She cleared her throat. “Matti? May I talk to you?”
He looked up, a piece of his hair falling over his forehead just above those gorgeous eyes. “I suppose so.”
She almost changed her mind, but she had to talk with him one more time. ‘Let's go sit in the kitchen.” She hoped her eyes convinced him to say yes. She glanced at his parents, who were pretending disinterest.
Matti rose, followed her out to the empty kitchen, hooked his leg over her mother’s favorite chair, and sli
d down into it. He looked at her with narrow eyes.
Could she do this? She focused her gaze on his.
“Kaino saw a letter that the visa office was accepting applications. I had dreamed of going to America for so long that I just applied on a whim.” She licked her bottom lip. “I never meant to hurt you.”
“But you're going?” Matti glared at her. The kind of glare her father gave when she let the cows out of the pasture by mistake.
“I wasn't going to—at least not without talking to you and seeing if you'd come with me—but then you broke up with me.”
“Can you imagine my surprise to find out that you had applied for a visa without telling me?” He drummed his fingers on the tidy, red-checked tablecloth her mother used for every day. She pulled her eyes from his hands. Anna frowned. “I know. I realize now I handled it all wrong. You were gone for so long, and I started to go stir crazy.” Her vision blurred. How could she tell him? Would he understand at all? She inhaled the scent of peppermint candles that burned in the window. “I love you. I wouldn't have gone without you.”
His fingers stopped their song. His gaze rose to meet hers and softened.
Anna took a step toward the table. “I made a mistake. Can you forgive me?”
“You made me believe you didn’t love me.”
Her hands fluttered to her chest, hoping to stop the pounding inside. Had she hurt him so much by her thoughtless decision that she might never get to hold him again? No, God wouldn’t do that to her. “I was a fool. A fool to reach for something that wasn’t real.” She tapped her heart. “When I knew what I felt in here.”
Tears glimmered in his eyes as his expression changed from angry to sad. He positioned himself inches from her. "Anna,” he whispered. “I wanted a life with you. I wanted to marry you. It's hard to stand this close to you and think about what could've been between us."
She closed her eyes. His words were too painful for her heart to handle. Would he ever forgive her?
If only things had been different. If only they hadn't fallen in love in the middle of a terrible war. If only she hadn't applied for that visa. If only Johannes hadn't told Matti.
If only.
64
Kalajoki, Finland
Tanya sank down beneath the blue flowered quilt and nestled Verushka into the crack between her arm and her torso. Was this really happening? Did she dare believe that she was actually...safe?
The last couple of days had been such a blur. The trek out of Leningrad seemed like a distant nightmare—something she remembered as if through a haze. Meeting Matti and Takala in the woods seemed almost surreal. A different kind of dream.
She pinched her leg hard and prayed, “Lord, if this is a dream, help me never to wake up.” She stroked Verushka's downy head and relished the feeling of having a full belly and a warm bed. Two standards of her previous life had become the greatest luxuries.
“But, Lord.” Her heart rate picked up as she whispered the words. “What if this family in Finland had other plans for her and Veruska? What if they expected her to leave or to work or to...”
Be still, my child.
The words, whispered to her soul, stopped her spinning thoughts.
I am here with you.
Tanya took a deep breath, blew it out, and then whispered her prayer. "Oh, Father, You have given me my miracle. A miracle I never would have imagined possible yet here I am."
And with that, she allowed herself to sleep—the soft breathing of her baby girl bringing comfort, healing to her soul.
65
Kalajoki, Finland
Kaino burst into Anna's house and ran back to the bedroom carrying a bright red wool sweater in her left hand and a bag of cookies in her right. “Anna! Anna? I came to—oh, what's wrong with you?”
Anna peered at Kaino, tears falling over her cheeks as they had for the past two hours. “Go look in the living room.”
Confusion crossed Kaino's face. “Are you all right?’
Anna shook her head.
Kaino placed her hand on Anna’s shoulder and squeezed before running toward the living room. A few seconds later she returned, her face sheet-white. “Oh, my. What's he doing here?”
“It’s a long story, but the short of it is that he's temporarily AWOL with permission from his commander.”
“All right.” Kaino narrowed her eyes and pulled Anna in for a hug.
“Which means I have to sit here and listen to him chatting with his parents while my heart feels as though it's being crushed because he doesn't love me anymore.” Anna frantically wiped tears off of her cheeks and pulled Kaino into the room, shutting the door behind them.
“Of all things...” Kaino plopped down on the floor. “Matti Ranta comes back to Kalajoki four days before you leave. What impeccable timing.”
“Terrible timing, more like it.” Anna sighed. “He knew I was going to the United States. Johannes told him.”
Kaino's eyes grew wide. “Oh. Oh, no, Anna. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said anything.”
Anna puffed out her cheeks and then exhaled. “And I shouldn't have applied.”
“But you wanted to go, right?”
“I did. I do. But I want to be with Matti more.”
“Will you try to patch things up with him?”
“I can't. He doesn't want me anymore. You read the letter. He said I'm not the person I said I was. And he's right. I told him I loved him, and then when he was gone, I went ahead with my own plans without even thinking about what would happen.”
“Maybe you could apologize?” Kaino looked hopeful.
“I already tried that. You should've seen the way he looked at me this morning when I tried to talk to him. I apologized, I asked for forgiveness, and he said it made him sad. No proclamation of love. No hope for a future.’
“Do you…blame him?” Kaino's eyes pleaded with her.
“What's that supposed to mean? You were the one who told me to apply, weren't you?”
“I was wrong.”
Anna blew out an angry breath. “Now you tell me.”
“I’m sure you've hurt him deeply, Anna. He was off fighting a war and heard from someone else that you were leaving him…”
“When you say it that way, I sound like a horrible person.”
“We both know that you're not. But you’ll have to figure out how to make it up to him.”
“It's too late. He's going back to the front tomorrow and I'm leaving Monday.” Anna pulled out her ticket and grimaced at Kaino. “Remember?”
“What if…you didn't go?”
“I have to. I spent my entire life's savings on those tickets.”
“I'll buy them from you.”
Anna stared at her, confused. “What would you do with boat passage to America, Kai? You don't even have a visa. Plus, I thought you were going to marry Johannes and stay here forever.”
Kaino blinked several times and then looked up at Anna. “Maybe I've changed my mind.”
“What does that mean, Kai?”
“It means Johannes has made it clear he doesn't want to marry me any time soon. There have been several times in the past weeks that I've regretted not applying for that visa when you did. What if…I went in your place?”
“But the visa has my name on it, Kai.”
“Go get the visa.“
Anna raced over to her parent's dresser where she had carefully stowed her travel papers, her mind racing with what Kaino was saying. If she had the chance for a do-over with Matti, would she take it? Would he consider giving her another chance? Did she want one?
“Here it is.” Anna shoved the visa and tickets into Kaino's hand.
Kai took a small washcloth, dipped it into the basin on her parent's dresser and then scrubbed at the A in Anna's name. Anna watched, her heart thumping wildly.
“And…there…we…go.” Kaino held up the visa, which now said nna instead of Anna. “We'll just erase your name and then use my parent's typewriter to retype mine. I w
as saving up for a wedding, but that won’t happen. I'll buy the tickets from you.”
Anna's mind raced. Did she want to do this? She looked from her best friend to the door and back to her best friend and took a deep breath. She wanted Matti more than anything. Even America. “I think…I want to stay.”
Kaino hugged her close. "And know that I want to go, Anna.”
“But what if…Matti won't take me back?”
“You must try. Otherwise you'll regret it forever.”
“Do I just go talk to him…tell him I changed my mind?”
“No, I think you need to do something big—something that shows him exactly how much you care. When does he leave?”
“Tomorrow.” Anna spun around and listened for Matti's deep voice in the other room. Could she convince him to love her again?
66
Kalajoki, Finland
"Here goes nothing, Kai." Anna straightened her blue silk dress and set her comb aside after one final check in the mirror.
"No, here goes something. I've seen how he looks at you, Anna. He still loves you."
"I hope so." Anna sighed and then looked toward the hayloft to assess their work. Earlier in the day, Kaino had helped her spread out a woolen blanket on the floor. Around the blanket, they had set dozens of logs upright and on each one sat a tiny wax candle. Now that the candles were lit, the barn flickered with romantic energy.
They didn't have much as far as food was concerned—the entire town of Kalajoki was strictly rationing for the long winter ahead—but Anna had managed to convince her mother to give her a small jar of honey and a pint of flour to make a honey cake. That, with a small tin of pickled herring and some rye crisps, would have to do for their picnic.
"Anna?" Kaino's voice broke into her thoughts.
She turned to her good friend.
"Should I go get him?"
"What if he says no?"
Kaino put her hand on her shoulder. "You'll never know if—"
"—if I don't try." Anna took a deep breath. "All right, go get him, Kai."
Kaino kissed her cheek. "I'll be praying, Anna."
"Kai?"
"Yes?" She turned back.
"Thank you."
Painting Home Page 24