The barn door slammed shut, leaving Anna alone in the flickering candlelight. What if he turned around and walked out when he saw her in here? Or worse, what if he laughed at her? Told her that he had never loved her anyway?
"Stop it," she scolded herself.
Lord, I love him so much. Please give me the words to show him how I feel so that maybe…maybe he'll give me another chance.
Anna's prayer was interrupted by the creaking of the barn door. Her heart jumped into her throat and she quickly pulled her trembling hands to her sides to keep them from shaking. She had planned this entire evening but hadn't thought about what she would say at this moment.
Just be honest. Kai's advice from earlier echoed in her heart. Just tell him the truth.
"Anna?" Matti's tall frame came into view.
"Matti…" His name came out wispy, sticking in her throat as if caught on her overpowering emotions.
Matti's gaze flew to the candles and then back to her and back to the candles, a look of confusion clouding his blue eyes. "What's this, Anna?"
"Matti…I….I'm so sorry." Her words began to spill out, unedited. "I never wanted to leave you, and I was so stupid to apply for that visa without telling you first. I'm so sorry."
He pulled his hands from his pants pockets and took her hand. "I told you that I forgive you, Anna. But that doesn't change the fact that you're leaving."
"What if I didn't go?"
His eyes narrowed. "What do you mean?"
"Kaino is going in my place. I want to stay here… to see if I can make things work with you." Anna hesitated. For a moment, she saw hope flicker on Matti's face. "I never wanted to hurt you. I have never loved anyone like you before. I missed you so much and got so lonely and I made a huge mistake. I wish I could go back…" Anna's words gushed out unfettered in a rush of emotions.
"I believe you, Anna." Matti's eyes reflected the pain in Anna's, showing her that he still carried feelings for her. "But what about the war? What if you get restless again?"
"I'll wait, Matti.” She jerked her hands from his and clasped them together. “I'll wait for you as long as it takes."
He pursed his lips and inhaled deeply. Closing his eyes, he blew out a breath and Anna knew he was praying. Then, he opened his eyes. "Anna," he choked out. "I love you. But I don't think I can ever be the man you want. You were born wild at heart. I don't think you'll ever be content with me."
"No!" she cried. "I can be…I am…"
But Matti pulled her toward him and kissed her gently on the head. He stepped away, shaking his head slowly. "I wish I could say yes, but I can't put my heart through that again."
She swallowed the flurry of hope she had felt all day. Heat rose to her cheeks. He truly didn't love her anymore. Turning to look at the flickering candles, she suddenly felt desperate to escape the barn and go somewhere where her emotions weren't like open wounds.
She looked up at Matti and saw a glistening in his eyes. He too ached for what could've been.
But it was too late.
She turned and raced from the barn, up the path toward the familiar farmhouse where she had grown up. As she took the front stairs two at a time and fell into her mother's waiting arms, she realized for the first time that despite all of her efforts to get away from home, this was the only place where she felt truly safe and loved.
And on a day like today, she needed the refuge of home more than ever before.
67
Kirjasalo, Karelia
Matti willed his heart to return to its normal pace.
His company mates had assumed he was captured or dead—and had probably spent the last few days facing their own mortality in this war while worrying about his. He hated the lies. But he had also hated the thought of Tanya and Verushka starving. He had done the right thing, hadn't he?
His heart wasn't so sure.
As soon as he had entered his tent, Takala had pounced on him, hugging him tightly, the relief evident. "What happened?"
Matti quickly briefed him on the events of the last few days, giving him a full update on his sister as well as on Tanya and Verushka.
"So everyone is all right?"
"Everyone is great." Matti forced a shaky smile.
"You don't look so thrilled."
"I saw Anna."
Takala bit his lip. "And? It doesn't seem as though it went very well."
Matti looked down at his boot. "It was…horrible. She apologized and said she loved me again and cancelled her trip to the United States and I…told her I couldn't do it again."
Takala's Adam's apple bobbed. "Why did you do that?"
"Well, because I was scared she'd do it again. You know, leave."
"Oh, man." Takala frowned.
"I regretted it as soon as I had left, but it was too late to go back. I would have missed my ride down here. Do you think I can ask her for a second chance in a letter?"
"Honestly?"
Matti sighed. "I can't stop thinking about her."
Takala exhaled deeply. "I wish I had a woman who made me feel like that, Matti. You are miserable without her."
"I know. And I went and blew it because I couldn't bear to put my ego on the line." Matti swallowed and clenched his fists at his side. "Now there is nothing I can do short of going AWOL again to get her back."
Takala frowned. "Don't even think about it, Ranta. I'm not going through that again."
"She's probably so angry with me that she wouldn't take me back anyway." Matti wished he believed his own words, but somewhere deep inside he knew Anna was up in Kalajoki feeling as heartsick as he was.
Takala glanced out the window and noticed two of the commanding officers racing toward them. "Hey, ready up. Two officers are on their way in here. They must have heard you were back."
Panic rose and acid surged in his gut.
Takala looked at him with concerned eyes and slapped him on the back. "We'll talk more about this later. Now let's make sure this story sounds right to command. The last thing we need is to get caught now. This is the easy part."
Matti sighed.
"You ready for this?" Takala whispered.
"Ready as I'll ever be." Matti unzipped the tent and zipped his parka, following Takala toward command.
"Oh, and Matti?"
"Yes?"
"Thanks for coming back. It means a lot to me that you did the right thing even when it was so, so hard."
Matti forced another smile.
Takala didn't know the half of it.
68
Kalajoki, Finland
"I can't believe we're doing this."
"I can't believe you're doing this." Anna stared at her best friend, assessing her emotions.
"I can." Kaino said. "I've spent too much time pining away for Johannes. It's about time I give him a reason to pine." She laughed as she tossed her last few sweaters into her trunk. "Plus, I'm ready for a grand adventure. I need a new start."
Anna choked on a sob.
"I'm sorry, Anna. I am being insensitive. You know that if you still want to go, you still can."
"It's all right…I need to stay here, to figure things out before I go running off on some grand adventure."
"I’m sorry things turned out this way. Really, I am." Kaino seemed to know full well that Anna was anything but all right.
"Let's talk about something else," Anna said. "What did your parents say when you told them?"
"They weren't thrilled. But I told them I had made up my mind and they were welcome to visit me."
"Sounds about like my parents’ reaction."
"Only yours had more time to get used to the idea. I'm leaving tomorrow."
"And what did Johannes say when you told him?"
"He doesn't know yet. I sent him a letter but he probably won't get it until next week. And I'll already be long gone."
Anna grabbed a hand-knitted sweater and folded it. "So, will you try to get him to follow you to America after the war?"
"We'll
see." Kaino shrugged. "At this point, I'm thinking I should just make a clean break."
"But will you miss Finland?"
"Of course. I will especially miss you. But I'm going to America. I'll be doing the whole American-dream thing. You act as if you haven't spent your entire life dreaming of the same thing."
Anna looked at her friend wistfully, wrestling with emotions that were too painful for words.
"Anna, I'm proud of you. You are being so brave in spite of everything."
"I don't really have a choice, do I?"
"I guess you don't. Still, you're the bravest person I know. And I think God has something in store for you and Matti."
"You sound like my mother. I'm not getting my hopes up."
Kaino held up Anna's old travel documents that now said "Kaino Pajari" in bold letters across the top. They looked slightly worn, but passable. "How do these doctored documents look?"
Anna frowned. It hurt seeing Kaino's name printed across the passport to her dreams.
"Are you having regrets?" Kaino's stare bored into her eyes.
"Yes and no. I don't regret trying with Matti, but I'm sad that it didn't work. Still, God has made it clear that I need to stay here—I never had peace about going anyway."
Kaino pulled her into a hug.
"Will you write?" Anna said, choking on her words.
"Of course I will."
Anna left the room, wishing things had turned out differently. Because while she knew God had kept her in Finland, she was still trying to figure out why.
69
Kalajoki, Finland
She should be on a train to Hango right now.
Anna sulked into the kitchen and put a kettle on for coffee. She did her best to remain cheerful, but she just wanted to throw a pity party.
Tanya was quietly scrubbing the windows in the dining room while baby Verushka played on the floor.
She shivered. Tanya. How Anna wished she spoke better Russian than the few words she had learned in school so she could communicate with this strange, quiet woman. She needed a friend right now. Someone to talk to. Earlier this morning, she had waved goodbye to her best friend as Kaino pulled out of the train station on the road to living her dream.
She'd sure said a lot of goodbyes lately. To Kaino.To Matti.To her plans. To everything she'd ever wanted. And now—well, now, here she was in the farmhouse where she had lived her entire life with a massive winter storm brewing outside making it all but impossible to leave the house. And the only person to talk to didn't even speak her language.
Watching the young Russian widow wash windows wasn't exactly her idea of a good time.
Why had God left her here? Talk about cabin fever.
Lord, I know You want me to be here right now, but it's hard. I can feel it in my soul that I made the right choice. But I'm not sure I can stand another winter trapped way up here in Kalajoki with nothing to do but paint and cry.
Paint.
That's what she could do.
She strode over to the cabinet at the edge of the living room near where Verushka was banging her mother's pan lids together. Anna drew back, the sight of the baby causing her stomach to drop.
Matti had risked everything to save this little girl and her mother.
Yet he wasn't willing to risk anything for Anna.
A lump rose into her throat.
Would she ever be able to accept Tanya and Verushka as part of her life when they reminded her so much of what she had lost?
She gathered her painting supplies and watched the baby carefully. Bright blue eyes peeked up at her as she raised a spoon into the air and waved it back and forth. She really was a beautiful child. An innocent child.
Anna certainly couldn't blame this baby or even her mother for her own broken heart. Matti had only shown his good heart by saving them.
"Ga ga gooo." The baby beamed, a tiny white tooth showing between pink-tinged lips.
Anna stared at her and sighed. And then she had an idea.
It was almost Christmas. She may not have the capacity to connect with Tanya and Verushka, but she could paint a picture of the baby for her mom. A memento from her time in Finland. Maybe when Tanya went back to Leningrad, she would bring it with her.
Anna scooted her easel to a place near the window where she could see the baby but where it wouldn't be obvious what she was doing.
"Ba ba baaaa!" Verushka cooed and Tanya's gaze darted up to stare at her baby girl. She wiped a tear from her face.
Anna's heart dropped. Tanya had been through so much.
"Ba baaaa!" Tanya smiled and then turned back to the window.
Anna stared into the baby's crystal blue eyes. Matti had been willing to risk everything—his standing, his freedom, his finances—for this child.
According to the Bible, this child was worth more than rubies or gold. More than Matti's military career.More than...her feelings. Maybe this was why God had kept her here. In Kalajoki?
Her paintings were typically filled with distant places and exotic dreams, scenery that only lived in the back of her mind. Whenever she painted something she could see or touch—her father's orchard, her mother's hearth, the eyes of someone she loved—she ended up tearing it up in a fit of emotion. Of indecision.
Suddenly, the idea of painting this baby right there in her own home, with the backdrop of her everyday life behind her felt like a warm breeze on a sultry day.
She pulled out tubes of red, white, and orange paint and began to mix a perfect peachy flesh tone to match Verushka's ruddy skin. Adding a stroke to the blank canvas, she took a step back and assessed whether the color combination was perfect before she began a careful outline of the baby's face.
Two hours later, she stepped back and looked down at the baby, asleep on the floor in a pile of toys. Anna walked over to Verushka and gently stroked her cheek, relishing the smooth feel of supple baby skin.
She glanced at Tanya who was now working on a sewing project nearby. "Can I hold her?" She made a holding motion with her arms.
Tanya nodded.
Anna sat down, pulled the baby onto her lap, and held her before looking back up at her painting.
It looked just like Verushka.
Anna smiled at the image, assessing the sparkle of Veruskha's eyes, the pudgy lines of her knees and even the window she had painted behind the baby's smiling face. A window that showed a backdrop of familiar trees and her family's barn.
She had painted home.
70
Kirjasalo, Karelia
"Sergeant Ranta! May I have a word?" Takala's voice boomed above the din of the men who were gathered in the mess tent in an effort to stay warm in the middle of the massive winter storm that had blown into Kirjasalo overnight.
Matti shivered as he took a final swig of his bitter coffee and tossed the cup into the mess tray. "Sure. Where to, Takala?"
"Let's go over there." Takala pointed to an empty table in the corner.
"Whatever you say, boss," Matti grumbled. He followed his friend, doing his best to shake the scowl that seemed bent on decorating his expression.
"Ranta, you've been miserable ever since you've gotten back," Takala said sternly.
"I know I have. I apologize, sir!"
"You hate the way you left it with Anna."
"Yes, that about sums it up. I wish I could go back to that night and respond differently."
"I have something that might cheer you up. An early Christmas present of sorts."
Matti looked at his friend, doubting that anything could change his mood.
Takala pulled a folded slip of paper from behind his back and handed it to Matti.
"What's this?"
"Open it."
Matti slowly unfolded it and read the words. "What…how?"
"It's two weeks of approved leave for you. I told command that I was worried that the trauma of the past month is getting to you. You need a few weeks of R & R in order to be your best for the spring. You can leave next
week."
Matti's lips parted and closed again. "What will I do with two weeks off? Wander around Karelia?"
"Well, that's part two of my little gift." Takala pulled an envelope from under the table. "Train tickets from Helsinki to Kalajoki. You don't have to worry about being sneaky since you won't be AWOL this time."
This time Matti's mouth dropped open. Did he dare show up in the Ojala household after what he’d done to Anna?
"I figure you can catch a ride to Helsinki on a supply truck," Takala continued, smiling through Matti's fumbling attempts to speak.
"I don't know what to say."
"Say thank you."
"Thank you." He pumped his friend's hand. What a gift. He had an opportunity to make things right with Anna.
"Oh, and this time, you'll marry her. No more of this ‘wait for me’ and ‘maybe soon’ stuff. Get down on one knee and make her your bride."
Matti's head jerked to the side. "She'll never marry me after I walked away from her."
"That's why you'll have to do some major groveling."
"Do you think?" An idea started to form in Matti's mind, and he smiled for the first time in weeks. "Do you think she would go for it?"
"I think you'll be miserable and discontent for the rest of your life if you don't try."
"You know me so well," Matti said.
"Spend two weeks with a moping Karelian and you'd do just about anything to escape the doldrums too."
Matti laughed. "If I can make this work, I think I'll need some help."
"At your service." Takala put his hand to his forehead in mock salute.
Matti explained his plan to his commander, detailing what he needed.
Takala pushed away from the table and headed toward the officer's tent. "I'll send a telegram to Kerttu right now."
Matti smiled. And for the first time in a month, hope flooded his soul.
71
Kalajoki, Finland
Matti clicked his tongue impatiently at the horse dragging his feet as if he was walking in six inches of snow. Technically, he was, but that didn't mean that Matti could wait for him to dawdle.
He had managed to borrow a horse in Ylivieska after realizing that there wasn't a drop of gasoline in Northern Finland to put into a car. Matti had pounded on the grocer's door and begged him to loan a horse and cart, which the grocer had done begrudgingly after Matti pressed several marks into his hand.
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