“Do be a dear and hold this up for me. I want you to be able to see my handy work,” he said, holding the mirror up to me. I shook my head violently as cries ripped free from me. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t hold up a mirror and watch him slice into my skull. He punched me hard in the face, his own morphing in anger.
“I told you to do something, Lola. Now, if you don’t cooperate, I’ll just go slower and make it more painful for you.”
I looked one last time at Alex, pleading her to hurry, knowing she may very well be the last person that saw me alive. My body ached with the tension rolling through me. I slowly lifted my shaking hand and gripped the handle of the mirror in my sweaty palm and held the mirror where he wanted. I tried not to look. I didn’t want to see, but I couldn’t make my eyes leave the dotted lines drawn on my forehead. When the knife pressed to my skin, I tried to hold back. I tried not to scream, but he pressed the knife so deep, the blade scraping against bone and tearing my flesh apart. I squeezed my eyes tight and held my breath to try to stop myself from screaming, but large black spots appeared behind my eyelids as he dug the knife deeper.
I prayed to black out. I prayed for this to end quickly. I prayed that I would never wake up again.
“You’re okay, Lola. Come back to me,” a distant voice said. I tried to make my way through the darkness to that voice, but the fog was too thick and I couldn’t see where to go. The voice seemed to echo around me.
“What the fuck were you thinking?”
“I was thinking that she needed to face her fears. She’s not going to get better if you keep babying her.”
“She’s not going to get better if she keeps reliving that nightmare, you asshole.”
The fog cleared just a little and I thought I recognized the voice. It sounded like Hunter, the man that was always there to pull me out of my nightmares and soothe my fears. I wanted to go to him. I wanted him to hold me until it all passed and I didn’t see that mirror anymore or feel the blade against my skin. As the fog slowly cleared, I became more aware of my body. I was cocooned in strong arms that were holding me tightly to ward off the tremors. Strong legs were wrapped around mine and holding me still.
When I was finally able to see again, half of Reed Security was standing around me, watching me in concern. I smelled Hunter’s scent and instantly knew that he was the one holding me, just like he always did. Knight was standing in front of me with his arms crossed over his chest, looking at me with his unreadable steely gaze. Cap slowly walked toward me and knelt down in front of me.
“You okay, Lola?”
I didn’t know how to answer that. I wanted to respond in some way, but the words wouldn’t leave my mouth. I felt numb and even though I could see everyone around me, it felt like I was detached from all of them. They were just figures standing around me. I watched as Cap’s eyes flicked behind me and I watched as the rest of my teammates stared at me in deep concern. I didn’t care. They were seeing me at my worst, but I couldn’t bring myself to care at this moment. I didn’t seem to be able to give a shit about anything right now.
My head felt heavy and my eyes were gritty. I leaned my head back, feeling the hard chest behind me let out a sigh. I could let go now and forget about what had just happened. It was over and I was free. My eyes slid closed and I felt a jostling as I was lifted and taken away. I felt Hunter murmuring against my ear that I would be okay and he would always take care of me. I let my mind drift off to a place where nothing else existed, but white clouds. I wasn’t sure why there were clouds, but they wrapped themselves around me protectively and I never felt anything after that.
✯✯✯✯✯
I almost got up right away the next morning, thinking that I had a job to do, but I knew I didn’t. I had been benched. So, for the first time ever on a work day, I laid in bed and let my body rest. I didn’t have to go anywhere or prove anything to anyone. I didn’t have to be strong and I didn’t have to pretend that I was okay. I stared off at the wall, picking out the little chips that I saw in the paint. My bedroom needed a new coat of paint.
The door opened and Hunter walked in, carrying a tray of breakfast food. “What are you still doing here?” I asked.
“You show up for the first time in months and I see Knight holding a knife to your throat and you wonder why the hell I’m here?”
He set the tray on the nightstand and then sat on the bed, leaning on his knees.
“Shouldn’t you be off with Lucy?” I said with as little disdain as I could muster.
Hunter looked at me and I turned away, not wanting him to see the pain in my eyes that he had moved on. “Lola, shit.” He ran a hand across his jaw and stared down at the floor. “You always told me we could never be more. I thought…” he sighed and looked over at me.
I rolled my eyes and shoved him. “I don’t want you, Hunter. I just…we had something good, in bed. I guess, I thought you would always be there in any way I needed. I thought we were the same like that.”
“We were good together, but Lucy and I just happened. You stopped asking for me to help you like that. I just assumed you were dealing with shit in your own way. And then Lucy came around and…” He shook his head. “I’m still trying to figure that one out. I don’t know when it happened exactly, but she was under my skin and there was no going back.”
“It’s fine, Hunter. I don’t think you and I would have ever worked.”
He smirked at me. “Why’s that? I’m too much for you?”
“I think it’s the other way around,” I smiled. “I was using you as a crutch. That’s why I stopped sleeping with you. It’s for the best anyway. You have Lucy now and I’ll have the next guy that walks in the bar.”
“It doesn’t have to be like that. You just have to put yourself out there.”
“I’m not interested in a relationship. I think I’m too fucked up for that anymore.”
“You’re not fucked up, Lola. You just haven’t dealt with that shit yet.”
I got quiet, not wanting to talk about me dealing with that shit. Hunter had turned on me and as much as I wanted to be pissed at him for it, I found myself wanting to wrap my arms around him and sleep for a week. He was the one person that had always brought me comfort and now I couldn’t be with him because he had a woman. Women didn’t share.
“Lola, you know that I want you with us. Please, I’m begging you to just do what Cap is asking of you. Derek and I want you back on the team.”
“You still want me back after I freaked out with Knight?”
“Lola, that fucker held a knife on you. He was trying to make you freak out.”
I thought about that and realized he had been. He was taunting me. What if that was what I really needed? I threw the covers up and pulled out some workout gear.
“What are you doing?”
“Getting dressed. I think Knight was on to something. He was trying to help me work through my fears, through my triggers.”
“No, Lola. That’s not the way. I never want to see that look on your face again.”
I pulled on my sports bra and a tank. Hunter had already seen me naked multiple times. I wasn’t shy in front of him.
“Then don’t be there, Hunter. Look, I get that you’ve been dealing with me like this for years. I think it’s time we put a stop to that. Cap wants me to seek counseling. This is my form of counseling.”
“He said therapist,” Hunter said forcefully.
“Well, I choose Knight to be my therapist. Either way, I have to know that if I come across someone with a knife that I won’t flash back and fall apart.”
“Dammit, Lola. You shouldn’t be doing this. I won’t watch it over and over again.”
“Then don’t. I’m doing this for me. I need to know that I can be in control. You were right about one thing, I was using you for way too long. It’s time I learned to deal with this on my own.”
I walked out of my house, not caring if Hunter followed or not. I felt refreshed, like I could do anything.
Even if it took me weeks, I would do this. I would overcome my demons and be able to face my fears without falling apart. I pulled into the Reed Security building and went straight to the training center. Knight was in the middle of training Florrie, Alec, and Craig. When he saw me approach, he stopped and told them to take a break.
“I’m ready to go again.”
His eyes narrowed in on me. “After yesterday? You want to go again?”
“Cap says that I need a therapist. I think I need an exorcist. That’s you.”
He smirked and crossed his arms over his chest. “It won’t work.”
“Yes, it will.”
“No, because if you quit, it’ll just make things worse for you. I would want to use methods that would tear you apart. If you can’t handle it, you won’t ever go out on another job again.”
I swallowed hard, knowing he was right. “Let’s do it,” I said with a firm nod.
He eyed me speculatively, then turned to the others. “You guys are done for the day.” He turned back to me and smiled sadistically. “Your ass is mine every day at nine a.m. If you miss even once, I’ll tell Cap you’re done.”
✯✯✯✯✯
“Sit your ass in the chair,” Knight commanded.
I shook my head. I knew exactly what he wanted to do. It was one thing to fight him off when I was standing, but he wanted to tie me down. There was no way I could do that.
“Lola, remember our deal. You know I’m not going to hurt you, so sit your ass down and clear your mind. You can do this.”
My whole body was shaking as I prepared for him to tie me to the chair. “You know, this is stupid,” I said shakily. “What’s the likelihood that I would ever be strapped to a chair again and threatened to be scalped?”
He stood in front of me, his dark eyes burning into me. I was so worked up that he was transforming in front of my eyes. I no longer saw Knight, but Jeffrey. My body went into a complete meltdown as he picked up the roll of duct tape. Tears started dripping down my face and my arms felt numb. I knew that I could fight back. Knight was waiting for it, but I couldn’t make myself move. I was paralyzed by fear.
“Come on, Lola. Snap out of it.”
It wasn’t Knight talking to me though. It was Jeffrey and he was tormenting me with that stupid mirror. He was waiting for me to grab ahold and watch as he sliced me open.
“Hey!” Knight snapped in front of my face. I blinked like I had been drugged and swallowed hard, but it was no good. I couldn’t take anymore.
“I don’t feel so good,” I slurred. I leaned forward just in time to vomit all over the floor and my feet. I was so lightheaded that I fell forward, barely being caught by Knight before I fell into my own vomit. My head spun as he lifted me and carried me off. The whole room was spinning around me and I closed my eyes to try to stop the chaos, but it only made it worse. I wanted to shove at his shoulders to put me down, but I couldn’t feel anything.
I felt my body being set down on something and when my head lulled to the side, I could make out cabinets against a wall. I blinked hard, trying to focus on what they were. My chest was getting tighter and tighter by the minute and my eyes fluttered shut. Something poked at my arm and then something cold was rushing through my veins. My chest started to loosen slowly until I felt like I could breathe again.
My whole body was slowing down and I started to feel a little sensation again, but it was dulled. Hunter was leaning over me and waving a flashlight in front of my face. I watched as he picked up my wrist and checked my pulse. I let my head fall to the other side so that I didn’t have to look at the concern on his face, but I saw Knight pacing on the other side of the room, running his fingers through his hair and he glanced over at me.
I wanted to ask him why he looked so worried, but my thoughts were becoming foggy and I was tired. So, I closed my eyes and let my mind drift into a peaceful oblivion.
✯✯✯✯✯
The morning rays of sun were shining in through my window. I blinked and rubbed at my eyes. I must have been sleeping a long time, but I still felt groggy, like I could go back to sleep for a few more hours. I sat up and let my legs slide out of the bed against my better judgement. The bathroom was very much a necessity and even the warmth of my bed couldn’t convince me to abandon the urge to pee.
After using the bathroom, I went into the kitchen, surprised to see Knight was sitting at my kitchen table. “What are you doing here?” I mumbled as I walked over to the coffee pot and poured a cup. He had made himself at home, obviously.
He didn’t say anything, so I took a seat across from him and stared at him until he responded. He sighed and ran a hand across his face. “I pushed too hard yesterday.”
I tried to think back to yesterday, but most of it was a blur. I had gone into the gym, I remembered that much. “What happened? I don’t really remember anything.”
“That’s because Hunter had to sedate you. You were having a really bad panic attack and it was because of me.”
“What did you do?”
He stared at me with those harsh eyes, like I was the one that had done something wrong. “I made you sit in a chair and I pulled out duct tape. That was as far as I got before you threw up and almost passed out.”
I scratched my head and looked down in embarrassment. “I suppose it could have been worse.”
“In what way?” he demanded.
I shrugged. “Well, it was worse when it actually happened, so that’s something.”
“Christ, Lola. I wanted to help you. I wasn’t trying to- fuck, I never want to see that again.”
“Okay, so we won’t do that again.”
“We won’t be doing it at all,” he said fiercely. “I’m done. Pappy was right. This is the wrong approach.”
“That’s not your call to make.”
“How can you be so indifferent about what happened? I sent you into a catatonic state!”
“Well, I don’t remember it, so it can’t bother me, can it?”
He stood and brought his mug to the sink. “It doesn’t matter if you remember or not. I’m done.”
“No,” I said firmly. “I told you what I wanted. Now we know that yesterday was pushing too hard. So, we stick to what you did the first time. I can work through that. I can fight that.”
“When are you going to get it? It’s over!” he shouted. “I won’t be responsible for damaging you.”
“You’re not,” I shook my head. “I was fucked up long before you came into the picture. You’re trying to help me and I appreciate that. Now, stop your whining or I’m going to tell everyone you’ve gone soft.”
“Lola, I can’t,” he said quietly.
“Yes, you can. When everyone thought you died in that fire, you did what you had to do to get back to Kate. That’s all I’m trying to do. I’m trying to get back to me. I know you understand that.”
He didn’t say anything for a minute, but then he shook his head and his face hardened again. “Fine. But if I think it’s going too far, we stop. I barely did anything yesterday and it was way too much.”
“And now you know not to do that.”
“Hunter’s going to kill me,” he muttered as he stomped toward the door.
CHAPTER TWO
Ryan
“I DON’T FEEL like going in to work today. I think you broke my vagina.”
I laughed and walked over to my Cassie girl, stepping between her legs. “I’ll stay home with you, but only if you promise to let me do more dirty things to you.”
“I’d gladly stay home, but I have a meeting that I can’t put off. There’s no time to reschedule before we renew our vows.”
“Fine. Tease me and leave me.”
She pushed me slightly and bit her lip. That damn lip. It drove me absolutely crazy when she did that. I wanted to be her lip in that moment. I wanted to take her and make her mine all over again, but we didn’t have time.
“Put your clothes on before I tie you to the bed and force you to be my sex
slave.”
I woke with a jolt, sweat running down my body as I panted hard. Every night was the same. I saw Cassandra in my dreams. Some nights, it was pieces of our last day together. Other nights, I dreamt of when I saw her in the morgue, only she came back to life on the table and it turned out it had all been a bad dream. Those were the worst nights because I woke up thinking that had really happened. Then I looked next to me and realized it had all been a dream, a terrible dream that I would relive for the rest of my life.
My room no longer smelled like her and I ran out of her perfume to spray around the room a long time ago. I refused to go buy more, convinced that it I ever did that, my friends would commit me to an insane asylum. There were hardly any traces of her left in the house. Well, there was one and it was the most painful reminder. James. I didn’t hold it against him, though. He was what got me through the day. I knew he missed his mom, but he didn’t have the nightmares like I did. Sometimes I wondered if he really remembered that much about her anymore.
It had been four and a half years and the first was the worst year of my life. I had shut out all my friends and only talked to Logan because we were business partners. After that first year, when I finally decided that I needed to let my friends back in and start living my life again, I went out to a bar and found the first willing woman and took her to a hotel. I couldn’t take her back to my house. That was my special place with Cassie and no woman would ever taint her memory.
Since that night, I allowed myself one night a week, when James was with his grandparents, to go out and let myself feel like a man again. The women were random and I never went back for the same one twice, not that I would ever remember. They were nameless faces that I forgot as soon as I left the hotel. I never spent the night and I never gave out my number. To them, I was just a stranger passing in the night.
Lola: A Reed Security Romance (Reed Security Series Book 8) Page 2