Lola: A Reed Security Romance (Reed Security Series Book 8)

by Giulia Lagomarsino

  I smiled at my kid. He knew me so well. “For the first two years after she was gone, I slept with her nightshirt every night. It was like a security blanket.”

  “I eat broccoli even though I hate it because Mom always told me that it would make my body grow evenly. She used to say that my ears would stretch and get huge if the broccoli didn’t balance it out.”

  “That doesn’t even make sense,” I laughed.

  “I know, but every time I eat a piece of broccoli, I laugh because of how stupid it is.”

  “I refused to clean out the strainer in the bottom of the tub for the first six months. It was full of her hair and I used to always clean it out, but I just couldn’t bring myself to throw away her hair.”

  “Dad, that’s just weird.”

  “I know,” I laughed through the tears. “It’s really fucking weird. Just be glad I didn’t save it in a plastic baggie.”

  “You don’t wear your wedding ring anymore,” James pointed out.

  I shook my head. “It felt wrong. You already know that I went out to find women when you were at your grandparents’ house. It felt like I was cheating on her if I wore it. They’re yours if you want them someday. And her engagement ring. I never told anyone this, but I had special rings made up for when we renewed our vows. They were engraved with our first wedding date and the day we were supposed to do it again.”

  “I’m glad you fought for me after she died. I know it was hard on you with everything else going on, but I wouldn’t have turned out so good if I had to go live with my biological father.”

  “There was no way I wasn’t fighting for you. I know I’ve made a mess out of things since your mom died, but I never want you to think that you were a bad reminder. You were the only thing holding me together after she died. You know, you look just like her, and sometimes that was hard, but it’s also the best gift in the world.”

  We sat in silence for a minute, just taking in all that we had said to each other.

  “I uh…I told you there was this girl that I liked. I want to take her out tonight.”

  “Your first date, huh?”

  “Her name’s Annie. She’s beautiful and I think Mom would really like her.”

  “So, I guess that means you’re not hanging out with your old man on your birthday.”

  “Are you mad?” he asked, looking at me a little worried.

  “Nah. You should go have fun. If you pass your driver’s test. Just do me a favor and be really careful.”

  “I will.”

  After a few more minutes of sitting in the field, we got up and headed back for the truck. I looked back once more before I got in and swore I could see Cassie sitting right next to where James and I were, but she was gone a second later.

  “Goodbye, Cassie girl.”

  ✯✯✯✯✯

  “So, where are you taking Annie tonight?”

  “Uh, I was thinking to take her to the movies. I don’t have a lot of money saved up. I think I need to get a job.”

  I pulled out my wallet and handed him a bunch of twenties. “Take her out to a nice dinner. We’ll talk to Logan tomorrow. We might be able to use you if you want to try your hand at construction.”

  “Really? That’d be great.”

  “What else are you going to do with the rest of your summer? You can’t spend it all with a pretty girl.”

  “So, I didn’t really think to ask before. Is it alright if I borrow your truck?”

  “Nope.”

  His face fell and he chewed on his lip. “Oh.”

  “Come on. Jack should be here any minute.” We stepped outside just as Jack was pulling up to the house in a used Toyota Tacoma. His wife, Harper, was following in their own truck.

  “What’s going on?” James asked.

  “This is your birthday present. I got it the other day and Jack looked it over, made sure that everything was as safe as possible for you.” James stared at the truck in awe, not moving as Jack stepped out of the truck. “Go check it out, little man.”

  Jack tossed him the keys and walked over to me. I couldn’t help the faint tears that touched my eyes as I realized that James really was all grown up. I watched as James jumped in the truck and looked over every inch of the truck. The kid was so excited that I thought he might take off without saying goodbye.

  “You have nothing to worry about,” Jack said as he stood next to me. “I went over the truck myself. It’s in great condition. I put on new tires and changed a few belts. Checked all the fluids. She runs great.”

  “Thanks for taking care of this so quickly for me.”

  “Not a problem. You doing okay today?”

  “Yeah. It was a little rough earlier. I took him out driving before his test. We stopped at the intersection.”

  Jack turned and looked at me with a questioning gaze. “You sure that was a good idea?”

  I nodded. “I probably should have done it a long time ago. We talked about Cassie and…” I shook my head. “I really fucked up and that kid still turned out amazing. He’s definitely his mother’s son.” I huffed out a laugh as I looked at the ground. “He’s not really my kid at all.”

  “He is in every way that matters, and Cassie left you to take care of him. It doesn’t matter if you have the same DNA. That kid survived his mom’s death because you were there for him.”

  “There’s just so much I would have changed.”

  “Well, you can’t go back in time. All you can do is make sure that going forward, you don’t make the same mistakes. And as for Lola, it’s time to piss or get off the pot.”

  Jack walked away with that little parting shot, climbing into Harper’s truck and driving away. I walked over to James, who was still checking out every inch of his truck. “So, what do you think?”

  “I think it’s awesome. Thanks, Dad.”

  “I’m glad you like it. Why don’t you come inside for a minute before you go pick up Annie?”

  “Okay, but if this is another lecture on-”

  “It’s not,” I smirked.

  We went inside and sat down in the living room. There was something that I needed him to know before he left.

  “This girl, you like her a lot?”

  “Yeah, she’s…amazing.”

  I nodded, understanding what he was saying. “Listen, I know what the guys told you about sex and everything. To say that I wasn’t at my best that night would be an understatement. There’s something I want you to keep in mind when you go out with her.”

  “No glove, no love?”

  I laughed and shook my head. “That too. I want you to consider what it would be like to share your first time with someone you truly care about. I know that it’s hard to think about all that shit when you have hormones running wild through you and you just want to know what it feels like. But it can be so much more if it’s with someone you love. My first time was with my high school sweetheart and I loved her very much, or as much as you can love someone at that age. I didn’t know much about sex and it wasn’t pretty, but neither of us cared. It was about the commitment that we were making together that made it so special. We both knew the consequences of what could happen and we were ready to deal with that together if it happened.”

  “You were ready for a baby?” he asked unbelievably.

  “No, but we knew that if it happened, we would deal with it together. We were always very careful and luckily, nothing ever happened. But that was how sex began for me, and I just want you to think about what it would mean for you. It’s fun to fuck around. Hell, I’ve been doing it since your mom died, but none of it means anything if it’s not with someone you love. So, if you really like this girl and really care about her, wait until you’re both mature enough to deal with the consequences. Wait until you know the timing is right.”

  “Alright.” He looked at the clock on the wall and stood. “I have to get going. Thanks again for the truck.”

  “No problem, little man.”

  I held out my hand t
o him, feeling like he was probably getting too old for hugs. He took my hand and shook it, but then pulled me in and gave me a hug. It was everything I needed today and as he drove away, I thought about Jack’s words, wondering if I had made a mistake.

  ✯✯✯✯✯

  I walked into the bar, not wanting to sit around my house all night waiting for my kid to get home from his date. How pathetic was I? My kid was dating and I was at a bar, drinking alone. I ordered a beer and sat at the bar, trying to figure out if I had made a mistake walking away from Lola.

  “Hey, Ryan.” I looked up to see Sean standing next to me. I gave him a chin lift and watched as he took a seat. “What are you doing here all alone?”

  “James had a date.”

  Sean chuckled and shook his head. “Better you than me.”

  “What brings you here tonight?”

  “Long day at work. I just wanted a beer before I went home to the chaos.”

  “Just don’t stay too long. You’re a lucky man, you know?”

  “Yeah, I know.” He waved the bartender over and ordered a beer. He had an uneasiness about him that I wasn’t used to. Sean always seemed so in control. “Ryan, there’s something that I should have told you a long time ago, and I think now, with everything that’s going on with you and Lola, it’s time to tell you.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Cassie was at our house a few days before her accident. I walked inside and heard her and Lillian screaming about something.”

  “They were fighting?”

  “No, they were happy. Shit, there’s no easy way to tell you this. Cassie was pregnant.”

  I just sat there, unable to really think about what he was saying. My heart was thundering so loud in my ears that it was making me dizzy.

  “Why didn’t she tell me?” I finally choked out.

  He sighed. “Because of me. I thought that if she told you before you got married, it would take away from the honeymoon. I thought she would be better off waiting until you were actually on your honeymoon or when you got back. I’m sorry if that was wrong, but I didn’t want you worrying about her when you were supposed to be celebrating your new life together.”

  “And after she died?” I asked.

  “You were a fucking mess. Most days I wasn’t sure if you were going to make it or not. James was the only thing keeping you going. What good would it have done to tell you? There was no chance the baby would have lived. She had just found out. I didn’t want you to be mourning the loss of your wife and your child.”

  Maybe I should be pissed, but I wasn’t. He was right. I would have fucking lost it if I had known back then.

  “You were right not to tell me, but why are you now?”

  “I guess because life is short and precious. You never really know what’s going to happen and if you were still thinking about Lola, I thought maybe it would give you some perspective.”

  “How exactly? That just reinforces my point. I lost a wife and now I learn a child also.”

  “You could look at it that way, or you could look at it that you had the opportunity to create life with Cassie. It just wasn’t meant to be.”

  “That’s not fucking helping any,” I growled.

  “Look at it this way, nothing in life is certain. People die all the time, but what you had with Cassie was once in a lifetime. Then, five years after she dies, you find someone that finally makes you want to really start living again. Yeah, her job is dangerous and higher risk than most professions, but if you love her, isn’t it worth it? Maybe your time with Cassie was meant to be what it was, to lead you to Lola.”

  “Do you really think I was only meant to be with Cassie for that time? That I was really meant for Lola?”

  He shrugged. “People come and go from our lives for all sorts of reasons. Maybe she was a gift that you received for a short time.” I took a drink of my beer as I considered that. “Or maybe I’m just spouting off bullshit and I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about.” He stood and grasped my shoulder tightly. “Either way, don’t walk away from Lola because of fear. Life’s just too fucking short and you know that.”

  I watched as he walked out of the bar and tried to sift through all the bullshit he just spouted off. I didn’t want to believe that I wasn’t meant for Cassie. She had been everything to me, and what did that say about the child we had created? The child wasn’t meant to be? The weight of everything Sean had told me was pressing down on me hard and I had to get out and just breathe. I pushed back from the bar and walked out into the dark night. The one thing I wanted more than ever, I couldn’t have because I pushed her away. But I couldn’t use her right now. It would be wrong to go to her and ask her for comfort when I had ended things with her. I got in my truck and headed for the one person I could talk to.

  I climbed out of my truck and walked across the cemetery to my wife’s plot. It was so much different here at night and it made me sad that this was where she was resting. She deserved so much more than a dark grave surrounded by a bunch of other people that she didn’t know. When I got to her grave, I sat down and leaned against it, wishing that it was her I was leaning against.

  “Cassie, I’m such a fucking mess. Five years later and I still can’t get you off my mind. You would fucking hate me if you could see me now. I’m a mess. I hit our son…” I picked at the grass around her grave and let out a deep sigh. “I’m so fucking lost, Cassie. Every decision I make seems to be based on you and I don’t think I should be doing things that way anymore. You’re not coming back to me and trying to do things the way you would want just isn’t working for me.” I laughed a little and ran my hand over my eyes. “Probably because you’re a woman and my guess at what you would want is most likely completely wrong.

  “There’s a woman I met and she makes me happy, but I’m so fucking scared of losing her the way I lost you. Only it’s worse with her because her whole profession is dangerous. But she makes the days easier. No, that’s not right. She doesn’t make the days easier. With her, it’s like everything is just completely normal. I don’t think about you and the horrible accident that took you from me. I don’t think about the fact that James is missing out on time with his mother. We just exist in this whole other life. We do things together as a family, or we did before I broke things off with her. She likes to come over and hang out with us. She watches movies with us and likes to just chill with us. But she also gets us out of the house and living again. Some days, it’s as if you weren’t even there.”

  “Don’t you think that’s what she would want?”

  I started at the intruding voice and stood quickly, squinting into the darkness. Drew walked out of the shadows and sat down beside where I was. I took my seat again and together, we leaned against Cassie’s grave stone.

  “Didn’t mean to scare you. Sean called, said you might need a friend. He saw you headed this way.”

  I nodded and thought back to what he said. “Why do you think she’d want me to forget her?”

  “Well, it’s not that she would want you to forget her, but don’t you think she would want someone that could step in and take over? Lola’s made the three of you a family. Isn’t that what’s best for all of you?”

  “But at what cost? I don’t think about Cassie at all when I’m with Lola. Is that what’s going to happen with James? He’ll just start thinking of Lola as his mother and Cassie won’t exist?”

  “It doesn’t work that way. You know, I don’t think about Iris all the time any more or the baby we lost. In fact, when I met Sarah, I was actually mad on days when I hadn’t thought about her. I thought that it meant that I was ruining her memory or something. I remember when I forgot the anniversary of her death. It passed and I didn’t even notice. That was fucking hard. It really hit me then that she was slipping away from me and I would never hold her again. I used to hear her voice every day. I’m not sure if it was in my head or if it was her way of helping me out, but when I started to finally move on with Sarah,
she started visiting less and less.”

  “You never told any of us that.”

  “Yeah, well, you’d have all thought I was batshit crazy. Sometimes, I miss hearing her. I used to go hang out on my back porch at sunset. That’s when she would visit me. When she would talk to me, it was like this warmth wrapped around me. When I go outside at sunset now, it’s just silent. I don’t hear her voice and I don’t feel her touch. It’s hard,” he said, clearing his throat. “Part of me will always hate that I lost her. But then I have Sarah and she’s this amazing, resilient woman that brought me back from being this shell of a man. She made me want to live life again. And the more time I spent with her, the more I fell in love with her, the less I heard Iris. Until one day she was gone. I think Iris sent me Sarah. I think she knew I would need someone to drag me out of my own misery. Maybe that’s what Cassie is doing for you.”

  “I don’t hear Cassie,” I whispered. “I wish that I could. I wish she would just give me some advice or just fucking yell at me.”

  Drew gripped onto my shoulder and gave a firm squeeze. “You don’t need to hear her voice, man. She’s always with you, in every decision you make. Cassie wanted the absolute best for her son. And if that means that another woman steps into your life and helps you live again, that benefits James. It sets a good example for him. But you’re not going to get the answers you want talking to the dead. You just have to trust that you’re making the right decisions and go with it. Cassie won’t fault you for living.”

  I knew he was right. Deep down, I knew Cassie wouldn’t want me to be alone and she would want someone to step in to the role of mother for James, the way I stepped into the father role. If I hadn’t, James might have ended up with his biological father, and I would have never known this amazing kid that had completely changed my world.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN