by Lyra Shanti
I'm not that pathetic, am I?
Letting go of the sand, Andrew sniffed and wiped his tears with his forearm. He knew he couldn't keep being this way, and that stupid dream didn't help.
I've got to go after him, he decided, even if it seems stupid. I can't let the only man I'll ever love disappear from my life!
Standing up, he dusted off his hands, determined and ready to face the future, whatever may come.
Chapter 23: Confusions
"W hat do you mean, 'no?'"
"Jon. We just met, like, a few days ago!"
"So?"
"So… we can't get married!"
Silence filled the room, and the hurt look on Jon's face made Sam want to burst into tears. She had no idea what she was saying, but she couldn't imagine he was in his right mind.
Jon took a deep sigh, then sat on the chair across the bed. He seemed defeated, sad, and angry. He looked down at the floor and tightened his right fist into a ball.
Sam felt helpless. She didn't want to say the wrong thing, so she waited for him to eventually speak.
Finally, he looked up at her and said, "I'm not delusional, Sam. There is something real and intense between us, something that goes back hundreds of years. I know you feel it too."
"Yes, but…"
"And we even dream about it! Why do you think that is? We were both drawn to this hotel. Why? Do you really think it's just coincidence?"
"Yeah, okay," she said, sitting in front of him on the bed, "but that doesn't mean we should get married. Look, Jon, I love you, but…"
He grabbed her hands and said, "Then why can't you just say yes?"
She pulled her hands away. "Because it's crazy! And you're obviously jumping into this without thinking it through."
"That's not true."
"Really? I mean, you were just telling me the other night how your parents would never accept you being bi, and how you recently broke up with...what's-his-name…"
"Andrew."
"Right! Andrew. I mean… How can I believe you? I know we have a deep connection, and I really want to be with you, but… I just think we need time."
"Gan didn't have time," he said with brooding eyes. "When he lost his wife… and when he lost everything… I don't know, but I feel like we didn't have time together. It was always hidden and fleeting. But this time… this life… we have a chance to be together. Sam, listen to me." Rising out of his chair, he bent on one knee in front of her.
"Oh, god," she said, holding back the growing lump in her throat.
"Sam, please think about what I'm saying. I've thought it through, and I want you to be my wife."
Sam bit her bottom lip and reached for his cheek. She touched his slightly unshaven jaw and chin, in awe of the brave man in front of her.
"I'll think about it, Jon. But I really do think we need more time to-"
Jon didn't let her finish. He snatched her up in a hard, elated kiss. Giggling afterward, he held her close and said, "I promise, my love, I'll make you the happiest woman alive."
Just then, something snapped inside her. Woman? The word felt strange and isolated, as if it were completely alien. Is that what I am? Am I really a woman? But I was a man in my past life, and I didn't even think twice about it. Am I really okay with being a woman now? If I'm not a woman or a man, what the hell am I?
Suddenly, fear gripped Sam's heart. She felt dizzy and light-headed, and began to sway on the bed.
"Are you okay?" Jon asked, reaching for her arm.
"I… think I need to lie down."
As she felt gravity taking its course, she heard him say, "It's alright, my love, I've got you."
Sam smiled, then sleepily replied, "Yes, you do. Whatever I am, it's yours."
~~
Jon needed a drink. After watching Sam sleep for about fifteen minutes, he felt confused and restless.
Why won't she just say yes? he repeated in his mind. Am I not good enough? Is she needing something else, someone else?
Unable to relax, he slowly got up from the bed, taking care not to disturb his sleeping beauty.
Sam rolled over into her side with a slight murmur, but she didn't seem to wake.
Jon put on his black jacket and quietly reached for his keys. Heading out the door, he felt almost ashamed, as if he was running away. If a part of him was frightened, he was doing his best to ignore it.
Sam is amazing, he reminded himself as he pushed the elevator button. He wasn't even thinking at this point. His body was moving on its own, making him head for the lobby.
It wasn't the usual, large and fancy hotel that Jon would normally stay at, but there was a small bar with wooden stools. He sat down and ordered a white wine. The last thing he wanted to do was get plastered, but he needed something to help his mind put the puzzle pieces of his life back together.
After a sip of wine, he heard a familiar voice that shattered any chances of solving the puzzle.
"Jon?!"
Turning to face the gorgeous man who owned the equally beautiful voice, Jon gulped hard. It was the man he'd crushed into pieces, and the man he was trying so hard to forget: the puzzle itself.
"Andrew?" he asked as he stood. "What are you doing here?"
Without hesitation, Andrew grabbed Jon into a strong hug, his handsome face beaming with joy. "Oh my god! I can't believe it's really you!"
Jon nervously nodded, then pulled away and sat back down on his stool, immediately reaching for his wine glass. "Yes, well… it's me. But why are you here?"
Andrew sat down on the stool next to Jon. His ex-lover looked as bright and sunny as ever with his wavy, golden locks, blue eyes, and dimpled smile. It made Jon a little light-headed, though he held it back.
"I'm here… for you," Andrew finally replied with a reach for Jon's hand.
Jon didn't know what to say or do, but he instinctively recoiled his hand. "Not here," he whispered.
"Right, I'm sorry," Andrew whispered in return.
Andrew was always so forward and openly affectionate. It was great in the bedroom but difficult as hell for Jon to deal with publicly. Not only were his parents unaware of his bisexual orientation, but Jon was raised Chinese, and outward displays of love just wasn't a thing.
"Look, Andrew, I… really appreciate you coming here to find me, although it does seem a little stalker-ish…"
"What?" Andrew laughed. "I'm not a stalker. It's not my fault you left without a word. Jon… come on. I deserve to know what happened."
Jon nodded. Andrew was right. He deserved an explanation.
"Don't you love me?" asked Andrew with a slight pout.
Taking a deep breath, Jon said, "Of course I love you, I just…"
It was no good. He couldn't go into everything he felt in the damned lobby. Jon shook his head and grabbed at Andrew's arm. "Come on," he said after laying down a bill to cover the drink.
Leading him outside to the garden area, Jon found a nice, out of the way bench to sit on. After they sat, he looked at Andrew and tried not to notice how beautiful his ex-lover looked in the moonlight.
Andrew smiled and leaned in close. "I've missed you," he softly said by Jon's ear, giving Jon an instant erection.
"Listen, Andrew… Andy…" he said, inching back on the bench, " I can't be with you anymore."
Andrew frowned sadly. "Why are you like this, Jon? Weren't we happy in Seattle? Is this because of your parents? Did they threaten you? Please, tell me what's happening, my love."
"No, it's not them!" Jon exclaimed as he stood and began to pace. "It was everything. It's not you. You were… are great."
"Then what is it?"
Jon ran his hand through his hair, pulling a bit at the ends. "Look, I couldn't take the pressure."
"Did I pressure you?" He was fully pouting at this point, and it made Jon feel all his past feelings for the man.
Jon sat back down next to Andrew. "No, it wasn't you. It was the pressure of the media… and the way people saw us. Andy, we're just sta
rting our careers. Hell, you will become huge soon. I can tell, and I…"
"Did that scare you?"
"Yes, I admit I got scared… but that's my weakness, not yours."
"Okay…" Tears began to form in Andrew's eyes, and it made Jon's heart hurt. "But… do you miss me? Do you still love me?"
Jon sighed. He did still love Andrew, but he also loved the woman he'd only met a few days ago. How could he explain such a crazy situation to Andrew without confusing both of them even more?
"I love you, yes, but… I need time."
"Time for what?"
"To think! To breathe!" Jon almost yelled.
Andrew sighed. "Is that what you're doing at this old resort? Breathing?"
"Yes," Jon said, folding his arms. He couldn't tell Andrew about Sam or the past life stuff they shared. He couldn't even imagine how to begin explaining it all.
"Jon, listen to me," said Andrew with a gentle voice, "I adore you. I always have. You're the only man I'll ever love, to be honest. I get that you're going through something difficult, and I support you needing time to deal with it, but… I can't let you go. What we have together is special, and you know it. You can't let society or fame stop you from having true love. And I'm sure your family will understand… if you just give them a chance."
"You don't know that. You're doing that thing you always do."
"What thing?"
Jon gave a deep sigh as it began to drizzle. He reached his hand out to catch the rain, and said, "You're assuming the best in people. I love that about you, but… it's also very naive."
Andrew pursed his usually full lips together and crossed his arms. "I'm not naive. I just believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt before you give up without trying."
Jon shook his head, not wanting to go back to the main argument that had occurred before he left Andrew in Seattle for Beijing. "I can't do this," he said, putting his hands over his face.
A few moments passed before he felt Andrew’s head resting on his left shoulder. "I love you, Jon," Andrew said in a sad whisper. After another moment of silence, Andrew stood up and added, "I'm going to go back to my hotel, but I want you to know I'm not giving up on you… on us. You know my number. Please, call me when you've cleared your head."
Jon grabbed Andrew's hand, surprising both of them. "Andy… I'm sorry. You deserve someone better."
Andrew shook his head. "No, I deserve the man I love."
As Andrew left the garden, Jon cried in the rain, watching an angel disappear from his life.
Chapter 24: The Spirit
G an awoke to the sound of footsteps on his bamboo floor. In the darkness of early morning, the lamp had burned out, so he couldn't see who the culprit was. It didn't matter, though. He had his demon-made sword near his side, and he was ready to strike.
When he was sure the trespasser was close enough to hit, Gan grabbed the invader, swift as lightning, and pinned them down on his bedding.
Much to Gan’s surprise, a beautiful young woman with auburn hair looked up at him with startled, orange-colored eyes. Immediately embarrassed, he darted up, though still ready to use his sword, if needs be.
“Who are you, and why are you in my house?” he questioned her in a firm tone.
She slowly sat up, doing her best to readjust her pink, silk dress. She looked to Gan like a princess from a story, rather than a real woman. Not only was her hair curled in waves and a color he'd never seen, but her face was like a doll’s. She was almost too petty for words.
“Answer me,” he commanded.
“I'm… sorry,” she finally replied with a sweet, soft voice. “I'm lost.”
Gan raised his brow in distrust. “Where is your family? Your husband?”
She covered her mouth with her hand, looking embarrassed. “I have no husband… no family. I was trying to find shelter. I didn't know you were here.”
Gan immediately felt bad for her and a little stupid for being paranoid. He put down his sword and said, “I'm sorry. How did you lose them?”
“They died…”
Gan nodded. He knew the pain of losing family and wouldn't press her further for details.
“You can stay here for a little while, if you need.” He patted his bedding, then got up to check on his stove. It was hardly lit. “I need to get more wood. Stay here until I get back.”
She nodded meekly, still covering her mouth.
As Gan went outside, he wondered where the young maiden came from. She was clearly different and not from any of the neighboring villages. The way she spoke, looked, and moved; it all seemed foreign, almost otherworldly, like a spirit.
As he hacked off branches from the trees, his mind wandered to Ji Wei. After Gan had rejected him, he worried where his friend had gone. He didn't mean to hurt Ji Wei’s feelings and he hoped he'd return soon. Gan knew Ji Wei was good at hiding, but he wasn't so great at surviving on his own.
Sighing, Gan shook off his thoughts and scooped up the branches. Carrying it back to his newly built home, his mind returned to the beauty who waited inside.
When he entered through the rounded door, he found her lying naked on his white, rabbit fur bedding. Sprawled out with her hands in her hair, she looked like an exotic, sensual painting. Gan almost dropped the branches on the floor.
As he slowly laid down the wood, he began to toss a few branches into the stove. When he dared to glance her way, she didn't even seem to notice him. She appeared lost in her own world.
Then, he heard her sing. Her voice’s timbre was pure like a bell, and the melody she sang was sweet, yet sad. It sounded to Gan like a song from old, though he couldn't place from when or where. All he knew was that he felt entranced, like he hungered for nothing more than to be inside the woman on his bed.
Desire won over his logic, and he found himself on top of her, kissing her lips like they were the last fruit in the land. Before he knew it, he had lowered his leather pants and slipped inside her heavenly warmth. She felt succulent, sweet, and completely nourishing.
Making love to her felt like a dream, like a fantasy come to life. Feeling her body and kissing her lips was beyond any pleasure he'd ever known. Even compared to his late wife or to his forbidden, white dragon, this nearly mythical woman made him reach a place he couldn't believe existed.
After he climaxed, he barely caught his wits, realizing too late that he'd let his seed go free without hesitation. “I'm sorry,” he muttered.
The mysterious woman simply smiled, then stroked his hair. He soon found himself falling on top of her, completely expended.
The last thing he heard before losing consciousness was, “I'm sorry, too.”
For a second, Gan thought he felt his ring sliding off his finger, but he couldn't tell if it was real or just a dream.
Chapter 25: The Promise
J on woke with a sense of urgency. He'd gone back to his room and fallen asleep there, but his mind never left his conversation with Andrew.
“Damn it,” he said when looking at the clock. It was already 9:45 a.m. Sam was most likely already awake. He didn't know what she'd think if he wasn't there.
He'd spent the whole night tossing and turning, replaying what Andrew had said, until he finally succumbed to sleep. He couldn't remember his dream, though he'd awakened stiff as a board.
Deciding he needed a shower, Jon quickly got up and relieved himself before turning on the hot water. In the shower, he suddenly remembered the reddish-haired fantasy girl. “Holy shit,” he said aloud.
Flooding into his mind, the dream was extremely vivid, even the feel of her slender, though shapely form. Jon could no longer resist rubbing himself as the steaming water poured down his body.
As he came hard, he instantly felt guilty. What the hell am I doing? he silently asked while looking at his feet. The woman in the dream didn't seem like Sam. Who was it? Damn… she was gorgeous.
After rinsing himself, Jon buried his face in a towel, feeling like an idiot. I'm just confused, an
d my brain gave me some kind of fantasy porn to distract myself even more, that's all. Stupid brain.
Drying himself, Jon shook off his doubts, as well as the dream. He put on a pair of black pants and a nice, lavender shirt.