by Lyra Shanti
The biggest question was the most haunting. Am I female or male, and does it even matter?
She knew Jon was bisexual, or so he said. If true, then Sam figured he'd be okay with whatever she was. But at the same time, Jon hadn't brought a guy home to his parents. In fact, he'd broken up with his ex-boyfriend because he wouldn't do that. Was she actually just a beard? No… Jon seemed so sincere about his feelings. He really loved her… didn't he?
"Ugh!" she loudly whispered into her pillow. She just couldn't think clearly. Not only did she have trust issues in the way, but she also felt too itchy and nervous in a strange, unknown bed. She yearned for her comfy room in the Lotus hotel. I shouldn't have come here, she told herself. I'm so stupid.
Tears began to leak from the sides of her eyes. Crap, now I'm crying. She hated this. She felt weak and alone. Why did I do this? Why did I even run off to China? What the hell was I thinking? I wanted to escape from my past, but all I've had since coming here is a hard mind fuck into a freaky past life that I don't even know really happened or not.
Almost sobbing now, she silently cursed her recently passed father. She hardly knew him, but she'd always hated him for never being in her life. She thought the money he left her would have helped her resentment, but all it did was confuse her more. I'm so ungrateful, she thought as she cried in the dark.
After a few minutes, the tears stopped. Sam had enough of her self-pity, so she got on her smartphone and decided to research anything she could about Tao priests and ancient China.
She didn't have any details about Sa, and there was nothing historical about him. Frustrated, she threw her phone on the bed and stood up.
I need a walk! Hell, I need out of this way too clean house!
Putting on a sweater and jeans, she grabbed her phone and wallet, then silently snuck out the door.
Tip-toeing down the stairs and through the living room, she made it to the front door without waking anyone up. It was almost midnight, and she didn't want to disturb Jon or his parents.
Slowly, she walked through the door and closed it behind her. Feeling the crisp night air, she took a deep breath, finally feeling free.
She now understood why Jon had moved away from Beijing and his family. His parents had a serious case of the normals, and Jon just didn't fit in. He was an actor and a rebel, and she loved that about him. Unfortunately, he still seemed attached to keeping appearances, especially for his parents. Do I have any right to ask him to change?
Shaking her head, she sat on the porch, looking around at the barren street. It was a lovely, gated suburb in the Chaoyang District, and probably rather expensive. Sam hadn't asked what Jon's patents did for a living; she thought it might be rude. Mostly, she kept quiet, trying to seem the perfect women.
There it was again. That word. Woman.
She wished she could ask Sa what he thought about being a woman now, but he wasn't talking. Without knowing if her dreams were actually based on a real past life, she felt crazy, confused, and helpless.
She also felt a little cold. She hadn't put on her jacket or shoes. Quietly, she opened the front door and saw her jacket and shoes at the entrance by the door. After gearing up, she went back outside and sat down.
Trying to warm her hands in her pocket, she felt a strange piece of paper. Pulling it out, she saw a business card from Dr. Jun Lee.
Oh, yeah! Sam remembered. He was that weird guy at the Lama Temple. Didn't he say he was a regression therapist? I wonder if he could help me figure stuff out?
Looking at her phone, she saw it was nearly midnight. Too late to call him. Maybe I can just email the guy.
Trying to figure out what to say was hard, but she finally managed to introduce herself, mentioning the temple where they had met. She ended the email with an inquiry about his services. She wanted to know what regression therapy actually involved. She couldn't imagine she could be hypnotized. Sam was a control freak, and she knew it.
There. It's sent.
Feeling a little less helpless, she gave a deep sigh. At least she was trying to figure herself out in some way. It was better than anything her depressed mother ever did.
However, knowing she had to return to that stifling room filled her with dread. She wondered if she could sneak into Jon's room. Would that upset his conservative parents?
Sam laughed. She felt like a teenager, trying to sneak sex with a boy.
She was about to go back inside the house when the door flew open. Jon was in a black robe, looking absolutely terrified.
"Oh, god, there you are!" he said with a hand to his forehead. "I went to sneak into your room to… well, you know, and you weren't there. I thought you had second thoughts and ran away."
Sam half-smiled. "No, I'm still here. I mean, I did kind of feel weird and trapped in that room… but I didn't run. Where would I go?"
"I don't know, but I imagined the worst. I thought I'd never see you again."
Sam saw the genuine look of relief in Jon's face, and it made her a little happy. "You really love me, don't you?"
"What?" he replied, rubbing the sides of his arms to keep warm. "Yes, of course I do. I've said it about a million times now."
"Don't be cranky."
"Sorry, but it's cold out here."
Sam snuggled into his chest and wrapped her arms around his back, stroking it to create heat. "There. Does that help?"
Jon smiled and kissed her forehead. "Yes. I'd rather you did that inside, though."
Out of nowhere, Jon lifted her up and carried her through the door. Sam quietly giggled as he went up the stairs and into his room.
Laying her down on his bed, he grinned as he crawled on top. "Now… let's get nice and warm."
Chapter 28: The Appointment
"O h, cool. He emailed me back," she said in between sips of coffee.
"Who?"
"That Jun Lee guy, the therapist dude we met at the temple. Remember?"
"Hmm… vaguely."
Jon seemed caught up in reading his own emails and whatever else on his laptop, hardly interested. Sam couldn't really be mad at him, though. They'd spent all night making love, and when they woke for breakfast, his parents were out, so they made love again in the kitchen, just to be naughty. It had helped both of them to release a boatload of anxiety.
Relaxing in Jon's room, they decided not to care what his parents thought of their indiscretion. Sam was proud of Jon, and she hoped it was the start of him being his true self, even with his family.
Looking over the email, she was given a detailed summary of the services Dr. Lee provided. "Apparently, he helps you remember your past lives. He uses meditation methods, like breathing exercises, music, and candles and stuff. He invited me to come to his office for a free consultation."
"Mm-hmm," Jon barely mumbled back, still looking at his laptop.
Sam rolled her eyes. "Is this how it's gonna be when we're married?"
"What?" Jon said with shocked eyes.
"Ah ha! Now I've got your attention!" With an evil grin, she pushed away his laptop, then straddled his thighs, wrapping her arms around his neck.
He laughed, patting her bare bottom. "So, you're going to marry me after all?"
Sam gave a half-smile. "I might. I'm still thinking about it."
"Oh, really?"
"Yes, really. You have to be a good boy, though."
Jon laughed, his growing erection pressing up against her lower abdomen. "Oh, I'll be good alright." Grabbing her small but tender breasts, he began to kiss her neck, sending shockwaves of pleasure all throughout her body.
Surprised once again at how easy it was for him to excite her, Sam found herself wet and ready. She lowered down on her back and opened her legs, reaching for him like a playful child.
Once he slid inside, she didn't think about feeling distant from being a woman. At that moment, she was neither male or female; she was simply in bliss.
~~
After a glorious morning of sex and food, Sam felt read
y to take on the world. She was still a little hesitant about facing her past, but it was now or never.
Jon had to go to a meeting with his agent, so Sam figured she might as well meet with Dr. Lee and see if he was any good. Jon made her promise to call if anything seemed creepy, and they planned to meet afterward for lunch. She loved how overprotective her boyfriend was. Wow, she thought, I still can't believe that such a god is my boyfriend.
Taking the high-speed train to Dr. Lee was surprisingly easy, and it only took her about fifteen minutes to get there.
Surrounded by trees and a pond with a small waterfall, the off-white building looked less like a therapist's office and more like a little, out of the way temple, tucked inside a Zen garden. As she approached the building, she took a deep breath and opened the door.
Right away, she noticed two unique things: the old Asian paintings on the walls and the lack of other patients in the waiting room. The jade-colored couches were empty, and even stranger, there didn't seem to be a receptionist in sight. It just looked like a normal living room and nothing like a typical doctor’s office.
Okay, thought Sam, this guy must be a fake.
About to leave, Sam heard a voice from behind. “Ms. Hanover Mills, I'm glad you could make it.”
She turned around and saw the dignified, yet mysterious middle-aged man she had first met at the Lama temple. Once again, he wore black, appearing to Sam like a martial arts master from a fantasy movie.
“Hi,” she said with a slight bow.
“Come inside,” he said, motioning with his hand.
Sam followed him, despite her nerves and doubts. Somehow, she felt oddly compelled to at least hear what he had to say.
When they entered what she assumed was his therapy room, she marveled at the various trinkets on the shelves in his cabinets. There were ornately decorated fans, porcelain dolls, books, and dragons—lots of small to medium-sized statues of dragons.
“Please, sit down,” said Dr. Lee. “Make yourself at home.” Watching Sam’s line of sight, he added, “Do you like my dragon collection?”
“Oh, um, yeah,” she said, fidgeting with her plaid bag as she sat on a comfortable, forest green couch. “You've got a dragon for every occasion.”
“Yes, they are my passion,” he said, sitting down on a large, dark gray chair. He sat and crossed his right leg over his left knee. “So… I understand you have issues about a past life.”
“Well… I've been having recurring dreams about an old temple and a priest who lived there, and my boyfriend and I have even shared the same type of dreams. Weird, huh?”
Dr. Lee calmly nodded. “Recurring dreams are the mind’s way of teaching us about a forgotten lesson. Tell me, what usually happens at this temple?”
Sam uncontrollably blushed. She couldn't tell a stranger about how sexual the dreams could be. “Um… she finally replied, “they're a little different each time, but… I'm usually the priest. Like, I see things from his point of view. And there's this warrior guy who's the leader of a nearby clan. He usually visits me and… well, we talk and stuff.” Sam nervously coughed before continuing. “Jon, my boyfriend, seems to think it's a past life of ours, but I'm not totally sure.”
“Why aren't you sure?” asked the doctor, expressionless.
“Well… I mean, how can anyone be sure of stuff like that? It's so long ago, and there's no evidence of anyone like that in history books or online… not that I saw, anyway.”
Dr. Lee gave a quick smile. Gracefully, he got up and walked to his cabinet. Unlocking it, he then carefully pulled out an old looking book from the second shelf. It was dark brown with gold lining. He opened the book and carefully strummed through the pages. “Describe your priest for me, if you don't mind.”
“Um… I guess he's a bit strange,” said Sam, twisting her hands. “He has long, silvery white hair that is usually pulled back at the sides in a white, silk ribbon thing. And he's tall… and moves gracefully, almost like a dancer. He's really pretty, too. He could probably be a model or in an anime.” Sam laughed at her geeky awkwardness. “He's basically the complete opposite of me, which is why it's hard to believe he could be my past life. It's so weird that I see from his point of view, though. I mean, why do I do that?”
Dr. Lee looked up from his book and calmly asked, “Do you feel his feelings as though they were happening to you?”
Sam nodded. “Yeah. Every time.”
“I see. Do you ever feel the feelings of the other people in your recurring dreams? The warrior perhaps?”
“Not really,” she said, resisting the urge to bite her nails. “Do you think it's a past life of mine, or is it just some freaky collective unconscious thing that my boyfriend and I are sharing?”
He walked over to Sam and said, “I cannot answer that question. Only you can know for certain. But I can tell you that it's not simply made up from your mind. All dreams come from a source of truth. Some are merely subconscious regurgitations from our daily experiences, and some are shadows from our past, and some are glimpses of what might be from the future. But they all have meaning and truth. I believe your dreams are showing you what you need to remember.”
Then, he showed her the book, his hand holding open a page with a drawing inside that Sam couldn't believe existed. It was a man who looked just like Sa, wearing a long, white robe, extending his arm to what looked like a white dragon, as if the magical creature was his pet.
“Wha-what the hell?” Sam sputtered. “Who is that?”
Dr. Lee smiled. “Good question. Why don't we find out?”
Chapter 29: Catching the Wind
F ollowing his instincts, Gan walked deeper into the forest. For weeks, he'd been searching for the mysterious woman who had stolen his ring, but to no avail. This time, however, he could feel she was near.
The air was heavy, the moon bright and full, and the night sky covered in stars. The setting and mood felt almost exactly the same as the night she had seduced him. She has to be here, he told himself as he carefully stepped through the trees.
Sitting down on a large stone, he drank a few sips of water from his flask. He'd been meandering for at least an hour and was getting worn out.
As he tucked his flask beneath his leather belt, he heard a familiar voice singing in the wind. It was her; he knew it.
Slowly, Gan approached his target like a skilled hunter stalking his prey. Hiding behind a large oak tree, he saw her in the moonlight. Naked and swaying with the wind, she was as beautiful as he remembered.
His pulse rose as he secretly watched her singing and dancing in the forest's clearing. With her reddish hair and wild nature, she seemed to Gan like a creature of magic and not a real human made of flesh and blood.
Without realizing it, Gan had begun to touch himself. He tried to keep quiet, but his uncontrollable movement betrayed his secrecy, and when the object of his desire saw him, she immediately stopped her nighttime dance and ran into the thick of the trees.
Not about to let her escape from him a second time, Gan raced after the object of his desire. Within a few minutes, he caught up and grabbed her by the arm, turning her around to face him. Looking at him with fierce, fire-orange eyes, she breathed heavily, then said, "Let me go."
Gan grabbed her by the waist. "No."
She squealed, trying to loosen from his grasp. "Let me go before I..."
He smirked. "Before you what?"
Pursing her pink, kissable lips, she stomped on Gan's right foot, causing him to lose grip. Taking advantage of the moment, she fled into the night.
"Damn it!" he yelled before running after her once again.
Looking this way and that, he feared he'd lost her yet again. "Come back here, woman! You have something that belongs to me!"
He thought he'd heard her footsteps to his left and ran to catch up, but what he found threw him off guard.
By the edge of a small spring, Ji Wei stood completely naked.
"What are you doing here?" asked Gan, sti
ll looking around for his prey.
Ji Wei reached for a nearby tree and pulled a robe from one of its lower branches. "I was… bathing."
Gan cocked his head as he slowly walked up to his friend. "Bathing at night? It's probably freezing at this hour."
"Yes, I know… I shouldn't have done it, my lord. I will go back to our village now."
As Ji Wei turned to leave, Gan had an instinct to grab his friend by the arm. Ji Wei was hiding something, and Gan knew it. "Where is she?" he said with a growl, pushing Ji Wei up against the tree.