Making Her Mark

by Renée Dahlia

  Rachel jerked up, half-sitting in the bed, her eyes burning with pain as shock forced them open, as wide as the swelling would allow. ‘No.’

  ‘Wanting something for yourself doesn’t make you a bad person.’

  ‘Yes, it does.’ She slumped back on the pillow, her eyes aching. ‘It does when I ended up hurting the one person I should have stood beside.’

  ‘No. You were sixteen, trying to work out who you are. Being sixteen is fucking confusing. I’d bet my car that Serena has already forgiven you.’

  ‘I’m not taking that bet. Serena is too forgiving for her own good.’

  A gruff sound came from Jacob’s direction. ‘It’s okay for her to forgive you, but not okay for you to forgive yourself?’

  Rachel squirmed, ‘Yeah?’

  He hummed under his breath, a non-answer, as her palms tingled in frustration. Damn him for being right. Maybe the reason she persisted with not trusting anyone was her own fault. She had to trust herself enough to forgive herself for past mistakes.

  ‘Am I a total fuck-up?’ she asked in a whisper, not really wanting to know Jacob’s opinion.

  He chuckled, and her stomach clenched at his laughter. ‘We all are, Rachel. In our own ways. I have plenty of regrets, plenty of times I should have done something different, times I should have said something when I let it slide past unchallenged. The key is figuring out how to do better next time.’

  ‘Next time?’

  ‘Yeah. Next time Serena wants to connect with you, let her. Try to recognise your own screw-ups and fix them the next time.’ Jacob’s comment faded away as an idea screamed inside her head. She would throw a massive party—her first one since her sixteenth birthday—and invite everyone, at the top of her list already were Serena, Allira, and Jacob. It would be worth it, even if no one else came. Moments past as she ran through the list of people she could invite to make it spectacular. Her heart raced ridiculously fast at the prospect of standing on the front lawn of the farm house, all the tables decked out ready for guests, an echo of the worst day of her life. It would be, by far, the bravest thing she’d ever done. If it went wrong, it would break her, which was why she had to do it. Like Dad always said, ‘Confidence lost, everything lost.’ She had everything to lose by doing this, and … she held her breath … everything to gain. Closing her eyes, she rested back on the pillow, sorting through all the details.

  ‘Hi, are you with Ms Bassett?’ A strange new voice entered the room.

  ‘Yes,’ Jacob answered simply and she wanted it to be the truth.

  ‘Ms Bassett, I’ve come to take you for an x-ray. Can you hop in this chair for me?’

  Rachel cracked open one eye to see an older gentleman in green scrubs with a wheelchair. She opened her mouth to protest—she could walk, but Jacob laid his hand over hers and leaned in so close she could smell him. Her Jacob, the smell of home and forever. She swallowed.

  ‘Just use the chair, Rachel. I couldn’t bear to think of you walking blindly into a wall,’ he whispered.

  ‘For you, yes, I’ll do that.’ She let Jacob help her sit up and swung her legs over the edge of the bed. Together with him, she moved to the chair, and let herself get taken away, keeping her throbbing eyes shut. Her nose must be broken given the nagging pain even after the hospital had given her some relief.

  ***

  A week ago, Rachel had been x-rayed for a suspected broken nose. The x-ray showed a hairline fracture, and they’d sent her home. Her family had insisted she come back to the farm, while Allira and Jacob both made solid cases for her staying with them. If she was going to make this work with Jacob, he needed to see her at her worst. Recovering from injury. A typical jockey, she knew she was a terrible patient—an ‘impatient’, as he’d quickly dubbed her. Besides, with the injury rates to jockeys, if this was truly going to work for her and Jacob, they needed to figure out if they could live in some sort of harmony as she recovered.

  Rachel leaned on the picnic table in Jacob’s little courtyard out the back of his inner city cottage, toying with her hair. She’d left it loose around her shoulders, because she wasn’t riding and didn’t need to contain it. Jacob’s house was perfect for keeping fit while she was injured, with his gym set-up. Nothing like the last time she was injured—a broken ankle had her moping around Lisa’s house while Lisa complained that none of the laundry was getting done. Rachel eased out a long breath, the sense of betrayal over that relationship was long gone. Over the week, she’d chatted to Jacob about it, and they’d both compared notes on previous relationships. Together, she’d realised most of her history was simply the normal explorations people did when they were young and figuring out life. Jacob hadn’t judged her for being herself, and she felt comfortable sharing her complete self with him. Between Jacob and Allira, Rachel had never felt so cared for, fussed over, while injured. She sighed as a cockatoo landed in the banksia in the backyard. The bird screeched out before attacking a flower with his curved beak.

  ‘It’s nice to have the sounds of the bush in the city,’ Jacob said as he ran his hand down her back.

  She grinned. ‘One cockatoo is fairly harmless. A flock of them over the farm all screaming out is an assault on the eardrums.’

  ‘Speaking of screaming assaults, I just had a call from The Palace.’

  ‘Oh? Is he alright?’

  ‘The police have arrested your agent, Matthew Walton—’

  ‘Ex-agent. I cancelled my contract with him.’

  ‘Yeah, ex-agent Walton. He’s been arrested at the airport trying to fly to Dubai.’

  Rachel nodded. ‘Good. Did they find the money?’

  ‘The Palace said they’ve been able to recover some of it, but he can’t claim any of it until the whole process has been completed. He needs to prove every transaction from his end.’

  Rachel rolled her eyes, glad the bruising had faded quickly this week into a rather ugly shade of green and yellow. ‘The cops want him to do their job for him?’

  ‘Trust you to see the worst in the authorities!’ Jacob’s hand spread over her butt, and she deliberately leaned forward over the table, twisting to grin up at him.

  ‘In the end, it’s a simple case. Walton stole a bunch of money through a punter’s club scam, pretended Driscoll was the bad guy, and when we started to figure it out, he ran. We basically did the cops’ work for them.’

  ‘I seem to recall someone not wanting to talk to the stewards until we knew if the scam was real.’

  ‘Ha. It was my jockey’s licence on the line.’ Rachel’s laugh caught in her throat as Jacob teased her about the way she’d been adamant she couldn’t talk to the authorities until she’d confirmed what was going on.

  ‘I’m only teasing.’

  ‘I know. Why don’t you tease me with those fingers of yours?’

  He slid his hand over her butt, his fingers dipping between her spread legs, just where she wanted them.

  ‘Yeah, just there,’ she murmured.

  ‘Come with me.’ His hand slipped up to her waist, away from where she wanted it, and he lifted her up over his shoulder.

  ‘I hope you are taking me to your bed.’

  ‘Nope. How do you feel about testing out the coffee table in the lounge?’

  She trembled in anticipation. ‘Yes please.’

  ‘I want you to stand, just like you were outside, legs spread, hands on the table—’

  ‘—and you’ll fuck me hard from behind?’ She interrupted him with a hopeful note in her voice.

  ‘Rachel. How about you let me finish my sentence?’

  She giggled, ‘You don’t want a meek partner who waits. You want me.’ Courage lost, everything lost. She wouldn’t let doubt win anymore. He wanted her, she knew it, and after tomorrow’s party at the farm, he’d know she wanted him with brazen need.

  ‘Absolutely. And yes, that’s exactly what I had planned.’

  ***

  Rachel surveyed the lawn overlooking the farm. Over the last week, while
she’d been healing, she’d spent hours on the phone planning today’s party, and over the course of each phone call, the gap between her and Serena had started to close. The lawn was laid out with picnic tables, gorgeous blue-and-white striped tablecloths, settings for the hundred or so people that Serena had declared were ‘must invite’ and now she waited. The dust died down on the driveway as Jacob drove away, leaving her here to pace the deck. She knew he was only leaving to collect his parents from their farm, as well as Allira who’d taken a few days to spend with her family, yet as the dust settled, the familiar anxiety started to build in her gut. Starting out as a quiet tension, like she’d done one set too many core strength exercises and the muscles ached with lactic acid, and now growing into a full-blown rising nausea until she nearly doubled over at the end of the veranda. Shit, shit, no one was going to come. The smell of canapés from the kitchen didn’t help, only adding to the party atmosphere, triggering this panic. She tried to do breathing exercises—slow her galloping pulse, except her breaths came faster and shallower.

  ‘Hey, Rachel, why wouldn’t you cross Redoute’s Choice with a Manhattan Rain mare?’ Shannon called out from behind her. She spun around, slightly too fast with a wobble, throwing her arm out to grab the end post on the veranda.

  ‘Because they are brothers, of course.’ She frowned at Shannon. ‘Why are you asking me this?’

  ‘Serena told me to go and distract you. She and Toshiko and Mama are dealing with the caterers and she said she saw you pacing on the deck.’

  Rachel huffed out a short sigh. ‘Right. I should be helping with the caterers, not her. This whole party is my dumb idea.’

  ‘You know my opinion on spending time with people …’ Shannon half shrugged and half grinned.

  ‘Yeah. Why don’t you go and brush a horse or something?’ Rachel closed her eyes, wishing she could swallow those words back out of the air.

  ‘Why are you doing this to yourself? You’ve been living happily with him for the last week. God, if he’s willing to put up with your “I hate being injured, it’s the worst”, then you already know he’s a keeper.’

  ‘Thanks for your opinion.’ Rachel squared her shoulders as Shannon waited. He was so goddamned patient; the quality made him an excellent horse trainer, so good at waiting for her to crack and spill her thoughts.

  ‘Fine. I know he’s a keeper—I’m trying to prove that I’m worthy. You know return to the scene of my greatest crushing defeat.’

  ‘Okay?’ Shannon drew out the words as though unconvinced.

  ‘Because Jacob knows I have trust issues, and I’m trying to show that I’m totally cool with having a party, risking no one turning up, and letting him leave before it starts. I’m trusting him to return.’

  ‘Since you look like you are going to vomit, I guess it’s going really well then.’

  ‘Yeah.’ She stared at the driveway, and the empty road leading to their farm. Not a vehicle in sight. Why was she doing this to herself again? ‘Plus, I don’t need you to save me. Please don’t give me a job that will distract me from the time.’ She paused, ‘What is the time, anyway?’

  Shannon made a show of pulling his phone from his back pocket and playing with it.

  ‘I didn’t say read the bloody news or flick through horse racing social media. I asked for the time,’ her voice squeaked, tight with anxiety.

  He smiled, ‘Huh? The time. Why didn’t you say so?’

  Rachel stepped forward to kick him in the shins, then stopped herself. ‘Go away. I said I didn’t want a distraction from this. I want to feel like this could go completely wrong. I have to risk it all.’

  ‘But you aren’t risking it all, because we’ve always been here for you.’ Serena joined the conversation, her voice way too perky and happy.

  ‘And I’m thankful for that.’ Rachel tried to infuse her comment with the sincerity she felt deep inside, except the march of time towards the start of the party clouded everything.

  ‘Are you? Because the way I see it, we’ve done all the work for this party, and all you’ve done is lean on Jacob, then pace up and down. It’s the usual selfish need to make it all about you.’

  All the blood in Rachel’s head slid unceremoniously to her feet, and she blinked, nearly fainting at Serena’s hurt tone. It was true that Serena had done more than her fair share, even though Rachel had done most of the organising for today. And once again, Rachel hadn’t acknowledged the way Serena was always there for her.

  ‘Argh, people. You two better sort this out soon. I’m going.’ She barely heard Shannon’s dismissal.

  Serena smiled, ‘One day he’ll get his comeuppance.’

  Rachel couldn’t understand how Serena could smile when she could barely manage to breathe, let alone find levity just now, ‘Have I created an impossible situation? I wanted to hold a party to declare my love for Jacob—because if he doesn’t show, it’ll break me. But I also want to—’ have everything—like a close relationship with her sister.

  Serena shook her head and rolled her eyes, ‘Did you ever stop to ask what I wanted?’

  Rachel sat down heavily on the veranda floor, her head in her hands. Could it be so simple? She slowly lifted her head and looked up at her twin.

  ‘What do you want?’

  ‘I want my twin back. I understand that we are separate people, who want different things for our careers, and I don’t give a flying fuck about our differences. You have to stop putting up barriers between you and other people.’ Serena’s swearing was the jolt Rachel needed. She bounced to her feet and wrapped her arms around her. Serena matched her perfectly, their bodies identically fit, strong, and small.

  ‘I’m learning to do better. I’m so sorry for everything, Se.’

  ‘You don’t have to be sorry. I don’t need your apology. I just want my sister. Why do you think I gave up my whole week to organise this party for you?’

  Rachel didn’t deserve Serena, or her forgiveness, but as she inhaled slowly, she realised that it didn’t matter. Serena’s gift was given regardless of her deservedness of it. Rachel saw her sister clearly now. Serena was the one who held the family together, pushing Rachel to come home, not just for Rachel’s own good, but also because Mama needed to see them as unified whole. For the good of the whole family.

  ‘Thank you,’ Rachel’s voice cracked with emotion and Serena reached up and brushed away a tear from her cheek.

  ‘I believe you. Now, we have a party to attend. It’s going to be fabulous. Check out how many cars are lined up in the paddock.’

  Rachel turned her head, not leaving her twin’s hug, and saw more than twenty cars in various stages of arrival. People were getting out, others were lining up to park in neat rows. John and Toshiko stood down by the gate, waving people through. Soon, the lawn overlooking the farm would be throbbing with crowds of people, and she hadn’t even noticed them arrive.

  ‘Did you distract me on purpose?’ she asked. Jacob was correct. Serena had forgiven her years ago, Rachel only had to forgive herself.

  Serena’s nose crinkled up and her eyes lit up, ‘Of course I did. Anyone who loved you would do the same. You don’t have to prove to me how bloody tough you are. I already know it.’

  Chapter 20

  ‘Oh God, I thought you’d never come.’ Rachel’s breathy exclamation made Jacob reach out for her hands. He pressed a quick kiss to her forehead and inhaled her scent, nervous salty sweat mingled with her usual wattle and honey smell.

  ‘My father has no concept of time, he gets stuck in his glasshouse thinking about plants, and he’s impossible to extract.’ Jacob shrugged, hoping Rachel would understand he hadn’t meant to be late.

  ‘I get it. It’s cool that your dad is a little bit obsessed with his hobby … job?’

  Jacob smiled, ‘A little bit? He’s a lot obsessed with his job, but you know it—’

  ‘—makes him happy.’ Rachel’s hesitant smile as she finished his sentence together with him, made him realise she was
trying her best not to freak out about him being late, and he adored her effort. He traced his fingers over her palms, searching her brown eyes as they darted around as though she was trying to see all of him at the same time without being able to focus on one spot. She cleared her throat and reached up to rest her palm on his jaw.

  ‘I want to clear something up. Yes, I was nervous as heck when you weren’t here on time, but you know what, I always knew, deep down, that you’d turn up. Or text me. I trust you.’

  ‘My brave, wonderful Rachel.’ He kissed her, wrapping his arms around her, and she threw herself, literally, into his arms. The force of her leap pushed him back a step for balance, the twinge in his knee worth it to have Rachel clinging to him. She kissed him hard, as if he was her anchor, or maybe he only hoped for that. She was, after all, his perfect match—the one who understood the ups and downs of being an athlete, the one who’d driven him crazy in the last week as she’d recovered, the one who wasn’t afraid to do the thing she was most afraid of. She was the one who paid attention to his own recovery and understood his frustration when his knee twinged. The one for him. She tore her mouth from his, and grinned at him, sending a wave of euphoria buzzing through his body. He’d never get tired of her vibrant joie de vivre.

  ‘Come on. I think it’s time I welcomed my guests.’ She drew in a trembling breath, one he felt all the way through him, and he knew she’d never be rid of the anxiety around parties.

  ‘I’ll always be here for you.’

  ‘I know,’ her smile lit up her face, ‘and I know I’ll always freak out at the thought of asking people to turn up for me. I’m glad you are here beside me. I know that I don’t need you here. I want you here.’ She elbowed him in the ribs, then rubbed the area as if to ease the sore spot.

  ‘You are so adorable.’

  Her face blushed bright, highlighting her freckles and those darker streaks in her eyes, ‘And you are the unexpected love of my life.’ She bounced up and kissed him, hard on the lips. Grabbing his hand, she dragged him along the veranda towards the main crowd. She climbed up on a chair and bellowed.