High Priestess

by Wendy Hewlett

  “You’re not doing yourself any favours by locking yourself away. You’ve had a week. Now you’ll deal with what’s bothering you.”

  “I’ll deal with it in my own damn way.”

  “Oh, aye. You’re like me alright. Stubborn as a mule.”

  They both ran their hands through their hair then stomped back down the hall to the living room. Simone stood at the end of the hall, smirking at the two of them.

  “Are we ready to behave like grown ups now?”

  Raven threw the envelope on the table next to the box. She just wanted them to leave her in peace. She sunk back down on the couch and buried her face in her hands. Maybe if she ignored them, they’d go away.

  Kiran picked up a cup of coffee and settled into the easy chair. “You’re filled with anger, Raven. It’s seeped into your very bones. I ken why you’ve held onto it all these years, but it’s time to let it go.”

  She could feel a trembling deep inside - the rage vibrating within. It’s seeped into your very bones. Could her baby feel it? That couldn’t be good. Most of her anger and resentment had been focused on Ena for the past fifteen years, but she didn’t feel that resentment towards her mother any more. She made her peace with Ena. So, why was the rage still there?

  “I have a therapist for that.”

  “You’ve made an appointment to see Dr. Shoal?” Kiran asked.

  Of course he knew her name. They were all probably talking about it behind her back. She nodded in response with her face still buried in her hands.

  “That fair pleases me, love.”

  Raven listened to the leather of the easy chair creaking then what sounded like paper being unfolded.

  “There’s something else,” he said.

  Raven scrubbed her face with her hands then wearily lifted her head to look at her father. He was holding a creased sheet of printer paper, his eyes tired and sad.

  “I’ve been finding wee notes and letters around the house. This one was on Ena’s laptop. It’s addressed to you, love.” He leaned forward, stretching the paper out towards her.

  Raven took it and slumped back into the couch.

  My Dear Sweet Angel,

  I’m sorry. Please forgive me.

  I’m still not sure what it was I did to anger you so, but I think it had to do with all the boyfriends I brought home over the years. I’m not sure you’ll ever read this letter, so I’m just going to pour my heart out. The only man I’ve ever loved was your father. When he left, it broke something inside me and all the men I brought home were a sad attempt to ease the pain of losing your father. I’m not saying that’s an excuse. I never should have exposed you to my promiscuous behaviour. I’m going to my death knowing I failed as your mother and my dying wish-

  Eyes pooling, heart pounding, Raven crumpled the paper in her white-knuckled fist. “I can’t do this right now.”

  “Aye. I understand. You’ll want to do that in private. But, I think if you can forgive her for not seeing what was happening to you, love, it will go a long way to easing that anger.”

  But, she had forgiven Ena, hadn’t she? And she understood the heartache Ena must have been feeling. She knew exactly how that felt, not that she’d use it as an excuse to bring home every woman willing to sleep with her. She couldn’t even imagine sleeping with anyone other than Riley.

  “That brings us to the next thing,” Kiran said. He took a utility knife out of his pocket and cut through the tape on the top of the box on the coffee table.

  What now? Why couldn’t they just leave her be?

  He opened the top of the box and pulled out a manilla envelope. “Here’s another one of the letters I found. Would you like me to read it?”

  “Do I have a choice?”

  Simone wrapped her hand around Raven’s, the one with the letter still fisted in it. “We think it’s something you need to hear.”

  We? Were Simone and Kiran a team now?

  Kiran sat back down in the easy chair and unfolded the letter. “My Dear Sweet Angel. For over one hundred and fifty years, a Bowen woman has headed the Solstice Coven. It is your destiny, Rave. It’s who you were born to be.”

  Raven shot to her feet. “Oh, no you don’t. The two of you think you can talk me into becoming High Priestess and you’re wrong. I haven’t had anything to do with witchcraft or Wicca since I was twelve years old.”

  “Is that so?” Simone asked, nodding to the altar Raven had set up under the window facing the lake. The table was covered by a purple velvet cloth. White and purple candles sat behind three small wooden vessels placed around a pentagram - the one on the left contained water, the one on the right was filled with soil, and the one at the top of the pentagram contained salt. Various crystals and gemstones graced the purple cloth and a stick of incense rose out of its holder.

  “That’s … I …” She didn’t want to explain she tried a healing spell or why she tried it. “That’s different. I’m not practicing witchcraft. I was just trying something out.”

  Simone smirked and raised an eyebrow.

  “Simone and I will help you. It will take some time, aye, but eventually you will be ready to take over the coven and Simone has agreed to fill in as acting High Priestess until you’re ready. Ena was right, love. It is your place, your destiny. Your legacy.”

  For the past week, Raven had a chill in her bones she just couldn’t shake, but Kiran’s last comment filled her with warmth. Was that some kind of sign? Was she truly destined to take Ena’s place?

  “You don’t have to decide right away,” Kiran said, as if he read her thoughts. “Take some time and think about it.”

  Both Kiran and Simone rose to their feet. Kiran folded the letter and set it on top of the box then tapped it. “The rest of this is things Ena wanted you to have. There were a few other things - some drawings you made as a child and baby pictures, pictures of you growing up - that I wasn’t able to put in the box. I guess I wasn’t ready to let go of them yet.” He smiled at her, but there was such sadness in his pale blue eyes. He was hurting, too. Not only for losing the love of his life, but for what he missed out on by not being there to see his child growing up.

  Raven nodded. She was so tired all of a sudden. She walked them to the door and Kiran turned, wrapping her in his warm embrace. Raven stiffened. The only person who’d hugged her in a platonic sense in the past fifteen years was Adara. She hadn’t even begun to process Adara’s betrayal.

  “I love you, Raven. I’m here for you. You don’t have to go through this alone, aye?”

  The breath trapped in Raven’s lungs released and she relaxed into Kiran’s arms, hugging him back. “Thank you, but I really just need some time to myself.”

  When Raven hugged him back, Kiran tightened his hold then stepped back and brushed a kiss over her cheek. “Oh, aye. You’re a stubborn one Raven Sage Bowen.”

  Raven closed and locked the door behind them then headed to her bedroom and crawled into the middle of the bed, Ena’s letter still clutched in her fist as she dozed off.

  * * *

  The sun was beginning to set as Raven stepped out onto her deck. Oranges, pinks, and purples melded together across the sky and reflected brilliantly off the lake. Raven set her decaf coffee on the arm of a Muskoka chair and wrapped a throw blanket over her shoulders before easing down into the chair. She drew her feet up, hugging her knees and stared out at the lake.

  “Hey.”

  Raven jolted, her head whipping around to see Mick sitting on the steps leading up to the deck.

  “Holy shit. You scared the crap out of me.”

  “Sorry,” Mick grinned, like she’d enjoyed scaring Raven. “I thought maybe if I sat here and waited, you’d come out eventually.”

  “How long have you been sitting there?”

  Mick shrugged. “Only about twenty minutes.”

  “Well, now you can leave. I’m not in the mood for company.”

  Mick pushed to her feet and helped herself to the chair next to Raven. �
�You can’t hide forever, you know?”

  Raven leaned her head back and closed her eyes, trying to block Mick out.

  “She’s leaving in the morning, Rave. You’re running out of time.”

  “Stay out of my business, Mick.”

  “But, if you just show her that spell …” Mick gasped and slapped her hand over her heart. “Oh, my God. It’s not Riley not forgiving you that you’re worried about. You can’t forgive yourself.”

  Raven’s fingers curled around the edge of the armrest and gripped tight. “Go home, Mick. And stay the hell out of my business.”

  “Rave-“

  “Go home.” Raven’s tone left no room for argument.

  Mick walked to the steps and half turned back to Raven. “There’s a going away party for Riley at O’Donnelly’s tonight. It would be nice if you came.”

  Raven listened to Mick’s retreating steps. She waited until she heard Mick’s car driving away then wrapped her arms around her middle, bent forward, and let her bleeding heart weep.

  * * *

  It was well past dark when Raven finally went back inside. She turned on a lamp and eyed the big box on the coffee table bathed in its soft glow. It would be full of Ena’s tools of the trade, passed down just as she wanted to pass down the role of HPS. Maybe she would deal with it tomorrow. Maybe.

  She picked up the Purolator envelope. She probably shouldn’t put this one off. She pulled the tab, opening the outer envelope and pulled out a manilla envelope with a return address sticker that read Duvane and Duvane with a Huntsville address below it. Lawyers, she figured. Her name was handwritten across the front with a note that stated they had been unsuccessful at reaching her by phone and asking her to sign and return the enclosed documents.

  She opened the envelope and pulled out a thick stack of papers. The letter on top identified them as having to do with Adara’s estate. Apparently, Adara had singled her out as her power of attorney. Well, shit. The last thing she wanted was to be responsible for Adara’s affairs.

  She tossed the papers back onto the coffee table and went through to her bedroom, stripping down to her panties and a tank top as she crossed the room to her bed. The sheets were cold against her skin, sending a shudder through her body. She thought of Riley at O’Donnelly’s pub and shuddered again, for totally different reasons. But, she’d found a way to tamp out her desire. She just had to think of her betrayal of Riley with Jax. That left her cold and shivering, but it was better than hot and bothered with no way of dealing with it. Well, not in the way she wanted to deal with it.

  She could get up and go to O’Donnelly’s, just to say goodbye. But, if she did that, the past week of trying to heal from the loss of her would go down the toilet and she’d have to start all over again. Riley was gone. She lost her the moment she got into Jax’s bed. And Mick had been right on the money. She couldn’t forgive herself. She’d done the one thing she abhorred most of her life. She’d given in to her sex drive, dropped her morals, betrayed the person she loved most in this world. It didn’t matter that Adara hexed her. She was supposed to be this powerful, hereditary witch. Adara’s spell shouldn’t have been able to coax her into Jax’s bed.

  Raven shifted onto her side and curled into a tight ball. Her right hand extended to the cold, empty sheets next to her. “Goodbye, Ri,” she whispered. “I love you forever.”

  Raven’s fingers brushed something and she pulled Ena’s letter out from under the duvet. Damn, she’d forgotten about it. She sat up in bed and turned on the bedside lamp.

  My Dear Sweet Angel,

  I’m sorry. Please forgive me.

  I’m still not sure what it was I did to anger you so, but I think it had to do with all the boyfriends I brought home over the years. I’m not sure you’ll ever read this letter, so I’m just going to pour my heart out. The only man I’ve ever loved was your father. When he left, it broke something inside me and all the men I brought home were a sad attempt to ease the pain of losing your father. I’m not saying that’s an excuse. I never should have exposed you to my promiscuous behaviour. I’m going to my death knowing I failed as your mother and my dying wish is that you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me. Not for my sake, Raven, but for your own healing.

  You’ve been filled with anger since before your thirteenth birthday. For a long time I thought it was puberty and the rebellion of a teenager. It wasn’t until the night you left home that I realized your rage was because of me. You said I didn’t see you, but I did, my love. I saw you. But, it was through the veil of my own heartache. And for that, I am truly sorry. You deserved so much better.

  My biggest regret in this life is sending Adara after you that night instead of having the courage to go after you myself. Adara has always wanted children. But, she wasn’t able to have them, you see? So she kept my child instead of helping to solve our issues. That’s not an excuse either. I have no one to blame but myself for our fractured relationship. In these last days of my life, I’ve been trying to forgive myself for that. Perhaps forgiving yourself is the hardest of all because I just haven’t been able to get there.

  So, here’s a little life advice from your mother - be kind to yourself; don’t let your fear keep you from repairing the damage in your relationships with those who matter; forgive those who have hurt you; and, most of all, forgive yourself.

  Blessed be, my sweet angel. I love you to the moon and back.

  Mom xoxo

  Tears streamed down Raven’s face. She related to a lot of what Ena said in her letter. She certainly understood the veil of her heartache. How could Ena possibly see what was going on with her daughter if she felt anything like Raven did now? Raven didn’t even want to be around anyone never mind see what was going on with them. What scared her was the years never eased Ena’s suffering. Was she destined to live the rest of her life like this? What would that do to her own daughter? One thing she knew for certain that she wouldn’t be repeating - she wouldn’t be bringing a long line of lovers home, parading them in front of her daughter. She didn’t think she would ever sleep with anyone again because the only one she wanted to sleep with didn’t want her.

  She brushed her finger over the line Blessed be, my sweet angel. I love you to the moon and back. Ena had said that to her every night at bedtime, right up until the last night Raven spent at her mother’s house. She’d been nearly sixteen at the time, but she still loved hearing Ena say those words. Love you more, had always been Raven’s response and she whispered the words into the silence. “And I do forgive you, Mom. I never should have screamed at you and run. I wish I’d had more courage, too.”

  Raven curled back up on her side, clutching the letter to her chest, and cried silent tears into the night.

  * * *

  Raven spent half the morning running into the bathroom to dry heave. When she finally made it out to the kitchen, she set a pot of coffee to brewing and sat at the island to wait for it. She lowered her head to rest on her folded arms. Her abs felt like she’d done a million crunches and her throat burned after all of the wretching.

  A knock at the door had her groaning. Not only didn’t she want to see anyone, but she looked like hell. She’d brushed her teeth and washed her face, but her hair was all over the place after another night of tossing and turning and she desperately needed a shower.

  She heard the dead bolt click and the door open. The only person who had a key for her place was Riley. She lifted her head and peered over her shoulder and there was Riley in all her glory - flaming hair curling loosely over her shoulders, skinny jeans and a tight t-shirt showing off her toned body, and those adorable freckles giving her a flash of innocence. Raven groaned again and lowered her head back down to her arms.

  “Holy, shit. You look like hell. Are you sick?”

  Yeah, she was sick. She was dying of a broken heart and so damn disgusted with herself she didn’t know what to do. “Morning sickness,” she groaned. The coffee maker gurgled the last few drops of water through the
filter and Raven rose from her seat. “Coffee?”

  “Yeah, sure. Should you be drinking coffee?”

  “It’s decaf.”

  “Oh, yeah, great.”

  Riley sounded nervous, piquing Raven’s curiosity. “I thought you’d be well on your way to Toronto by now.”

  “I was.” Riley slipped onto one of the stools at the kitchen island as Raven poured the coffee. “The more I drove, the more I thought about what happened between us. It was eating at me. We’ve known each other for four years. I know you, Rave. You’re a lesbian. You’re not bi. You’ve never been interested in men. And I know how you feel about casual sex and why you feel that way. So, it just doesn’t make any sense, Rave. I guess I need to understand why you slept with Jax.”

  Raven placed the mugs on the island and sat next to Riley. With her hands cupping the mug, she stared into her coffee. “The why doesn’t matter, Ri. I made the biggest mistake of my life. Believe me, if I could change what I did, I would.” She listened to Riley sigh and shift in her seat. Then Riley’s palm covered her cheek and she couldn’t help but lean into it. Tears stung her eyes and her aching abs clenched. “Ri?”

  “Rave? I can see it’s eating at you. Sleeping with Jax goes against your core beliefs. There has to be a reason.”

  Raven got up, taking her coffee with her, and went through to the living room where she could look out at the lake. Rain drops danced over its surface, a dull grey today, reflecting the overcast sky. Sometimes it was as smooth as glass and others as choppy as a sea. Sometimes it was a deep blue and sometimes it was a depressing grey, like today. It seemed to be a reflection of her mood.

  “If the why doesn’t matter, Rave, then why won’t you tell me?” Riley asked from a couple of feet behind Raven.

  “Because it doesn’t change anything,” Raven said as her fist rubbed the searing pain over her chest.

  An exasperated sigh blew over Raven’s shoulder. “Humour me.”

  Raven turned and locked eyes with Riley. Her pale green eyes shone with unshed tears. “Why?” Did Riley drive all the way back here because she couldn’t leave her? Was she ready to try to forgive her and put it behind them? Hope, bright and warm and beautiful, flared in Raven’s heart.