In To Her

by JA Huss

  I pick up a dress and stare at it. Peach-colored. With soft white, eyelet lace around the neck. There’s a stain on the front of it. Like this dress could’ve been worn yesterday.

  “Find anything?” Yvette says.

  I drop the dress back into the box and turn around. She’s put her clothes from earlier back on but her feet are bare.

  “Uh, yeah.” I hold up the clothes. “These OK?”

  She nods. But I can tell it bothers her a little. Or maybe she’s thinking about the baby.

  “That was her favorite dress,” she says.

  Guess it’s the baby that’s bothering her.

  And just thinking that in my head—the casual, emotionless way it comes across, even internally—makes me wonder what kind of person I am.

  It’s all well and good to dream, right? To say, We’re going to that island. It’ll be fine. Trust me, I have a plan.

  But I’m callous. Even I know that. I’m a fucking stone when it comes to emotions. And even though I know that, and have always known that, it’s disturbing to actualize it in this moment.

  “It’s a nice dress,” I say, trying to be normal.

  Yvette huffs, then holds out my phone. “A call came through,” she says. “Upstairs. It was Damon.”

  “Oh,” I say.

  “Yeah. Guess the storm’s over, right?”

  I nod. “Yeah. I just heard the plows go by on the highway.”

  She bites her lip and frowns.

  “Yvette,” I say. “There’s just one thing I need to ask you.”

  “What’s that?”

  “The other baby,” I say. “Damon’s—”

  “It’s probably not his,” she says, irritation in her voice. “So I’d prefer if you didn’t call him that.”

  “Oh, right.” She’s right. There’s no telling who the father of that child is. “But… you know where he is, right?”

  She stares at me hard for a moment. “Why?”

  “Because I want to know. I don’t want you to lie to me. I’m taking a huge risk here, Yvette. So I need the truth in order to make accurate decisions.”

  She thinks about this for several moments.

  Upstairs I hear AJ walking around again.

  “He didn’t see the phone call come in,” she says. “It was on silent. I just happened to glance over at it while I was getting dressed. It fell out of your pocket.”

  “OK,” I say, then wait. But she doesn’t answer my question. “We could go get him, “ I offer.

  “Who?” she asks.

  “Your son, Yvette. We could go get him.”

  “He’s not mine. Not anymore. He has a family. I won’t steal him away from that normal life I risked everything to provide just to make myself feel better.”

  “Right,” I say. “Never mind.”

  I drop the towel and start pulling on the jeans. She watches me. Thoughtfully now. Then says, “But I did lie. I do know where he is.”

  I hold my breath. Say nothing.

  “He’s in New Mexico living on an Indian reservation. With the Nightingale people.”

  I nod. “Well… good,” I say. “Good. I’m glad you figured it all out and…” I don’t finish. Because it’s stupid.

  “I thought about it though,” she adds. “After Chris and Bonnie died. I thought… he’s mine. I should go get him. It would’ve helped? Maybe?”

  She looks at me like she needs this idea to be validated. So I say, “He is yours. You’re his mother. And at least if he was with you, you’d have more than nothing.”

  She swallows hard and nods. “Yeah.”

  “So why didn’t you?”

  She shrugs. “I was too sad to start the fight, ya know?”

  “Yeah, I get that.”

  “Because there would’ve been a fight. If there wasn’t, if they didn’t fight for him, well, then I made a mistake when I signed him over for adoption. And I can’t live with that. So there would have been a fight.”

  “I’m sure they would’ve fought hard.”

  We stare at each other for a moment. Then, just as I’m about to say some other stupid, off-the-cuff thing that will make her feel worse, my phone lights up.

  I’m holding it in my hand so Damon’s name shows up on the screen.

  “I’ll let you take care of that,” Yvette says, then turns away and disappears.

  I sigh at the phone, then tab accept and say, “Yeah.”

  I listen as Damon talks on the other end.

  I nod my head as he goes on and on about us disappearing. Say things in between his rants. Things like, “Blizzard.” And, “No cell service,” and, “Not yet. But soon.” And “Yup.” And, “You got it.” And, “Call you when I’m done.” And then, finally, “See you tonight.”

  And then I end the call.

  Because I have a job to do.

  Chapter Thirty-Three - YVETTE

  When I walk back into the bar AJ is just coming down the back stairs from the apartment. He’s dressed, but no shoes.

  “My boots are still wet from clearing the snow,” he says, noticing my gaze down at his feet. “Any chance you’ve got a size twelve and a half shoe in your treasure chest of clothes?”

  I smile at him. Because even though I shouldn’t trust him, or like him, or want him… I do. All three of those things. “No,” I say. “Chris wore an eleven.”

  “Well, shit,” he says, walking towards me. “Guess I’ll have to make do.”

  He opens his arms as he approaches and that fills me with a warm feeling. Something like acceptance. Or maybe gratitude. Or possibly just lust.

  “Why are you smiling?” he asks, taking my hand and wrapping his arm around my waist like we’re about to dance.

  “Oh, I dunno. Maybe because this time yesterday I was about to kill myself. I was thinking there was nothing left for me in this life.”

  “And now?” he asks, twirling me a little. Like we really are dancing.

  “And now… I guess I can see past it, ya know?” I sigh. “Depression sucks. Like… really sucks. Because I was so sure I was done. I woke up every day with this weight on my chest. Like I was suffocating. Or just dying of a broken heart. And then two hitmen walk into a bar—”

  He laughs.

  “—and one dazzles me with his charm and dancing. And the other one makes me feel like maybe there’s a way to get past this ache and loss. So…” I sigh. “I don’t know. I’m just gonna stay on the ride, I guess. Does any of this make sense?”

  He nods. And both of us look over at the jukebox where the bottle of pills is still waiting. Right where Logan left them. “You wanna dance?” he asks, pulling me back into his embrace.

  “I think we are dancing,” I say, gazing up at him.

  “Yeah, but like… really dance.”

  “OK,” I say.

  He unwraps his arm from my waist and leads me over to the jukebox. “We gotta choose a song,” he says. “One last song on this jukebox, Yvette Nightingale. Better think hard about that.”

  “Hmmm,” I say. “Maybe we can have two?”

  “Or three,” Logan says.

  Both AJ and I turn to look at him. And God, it hurts my heart a little to see him dressed up in Chris’s clothes. Makes me feel like a traitor for some reason. But if Chris were here, and AJ and Logan weren’t here to kill me, he’d have given them the shirt off his back. He was that kind of guy. He didn’t deserve the shit I brought with me when I came into his life.

  Logan was right after all. I’m not innocent in this. I could’ve told Chris what he was getting into. Let him make a decisions based on facts. He might still be alive if I’d done that.

  I probably wouldn’t be here right now. Don’t know where I’d be if Chris didn’t bring me home with him and his father after the baby was born. But at least I’d have a clear conscience.

  “What’s the rush?” Logan asks. “I mean, shit. You have to pack, right, Yvette?”

  Do I have to pack? Do I want to take things from this place? Since it w
asn’t even mine to begin with?

  “Are you and I gonna dance while she does that?” AJ asks. And for some reason it comes off like a challenge.

  Are we gonna dance?

  Meaning… are we gonna fight?

  “No,” Logan says. “We’re not.”

  “Good,” AJ says. “I don’t want to dance with you.”

  “Likewise,” Logan says. Then he smiles and says, “So choose a song, Yvette. I think I’ll get us a drink. One last toast, huh? To the bar? To your life?”

  “And one for the new life,” AJ says. “Coming up.”

  Logan nods. “I guess everything comes in threes today.”

  “Good thing too,” AJ says. “Because we come in threes as well.”

  “What the hell is going on here?” I ask.

  “What do you mean?” AJ says.

  “You two are talking in some secret code.”

  “Are we talking in code?” AJ asks Logan.

  “Nope.”

  AJ shrugs and smiles at me. “See? No code. Pick a song, Yvette.”

  I look down at the song list. I know it by heart, don’t even have to look to find the number. Just punch in my code for free songs and the code for my choice. Then I look up at AJ and say, “Perfect Duet.”

  He chuckles just a little, his smile wide and real. “Can’t go wrong with Sheeran and Beyoncé.” Then the song comes on and he takes my hand and leads me away to the middle of the floor, twirling me once, then bringing me back into his arms.

  We settle like that. My face against his shoulder, my hands up around his neck. His hands on my hips as we sway.

  “You’re a nice surprise,” I say.

  “You as well, cookie.”

  Cookie. He turns me around and I see Logan at the other end of the bar opening a bottle of champagne. The cork pops off and some spills out, but he catches most of it in a glass. Then AJ turns me, and I lose sight of him.

  “This dance is better than the one we had yesterday,” AJ says.

  “How come?” I ask.

  “Because I know you now. And I really like what I see.”

  Logan comes closer to us. Leans against the bar. “What song do you want, AJ? I’ll put it in for you.”

  AJ thinks as we dance, his eyes closed. And I doubt many people get to see him like this. So easy-going. So calm. So comfortable.

  I’m lucky, I realize. That I’m one of them.

  “Give Me Love,” AJ finally says. “Sheeran for the win. I saw that in there yesterday and thought, Well, shit. I could use me some love.”

  “Me too,” I say.

  Logan puts money in for the song. I guess he didn’t want to ask me for the code and break my moment with AJ.

  Which is… very mature of him. They don’t seem to have a problem sharing. Which gets me curious. “When did you guys start doing this? You know. Having sex together with the same girl. Or—” I realize maybe I assumed wrong. Maybe they have sex without a girl. “Or do you have sex a lot? Together. Alone, I mean.”

  AJ laughs. “We don’t. Have sex alone together. But we started this maybe… what? Fuckin’ more than ten years ago, right?”

  Logan has returned to his place by the champagne. He’s leaning against the bar again, all casual. “Yeah, I think the first time we were just really fucked up and on drugs.”

  I laugh. “So you didn’t plan it?”

  “No,” AJ says.

  “You didn’t like… make up rules, or anything?”

  “It was just one night,” Logan explains. “Nothing more than that.”

  “Hmmm,” I say. “Have you ever shared a girl long-term before?”

  “No,” Logan says.

  AJ is just swaying me to the music. Maybe ignoring this conversation.

  “So how do you know it’s going to work?” I ask.

  “How do you ever know something’s gonna work?” Logan replies. “Everything’s a risk, Yvette. How did you know leaving Damon would work?”

  “I just didn’t care,” I say. “I had no choice. I just needed to get out of there or I was going to kill myself.”

  “Well,” Logan says. “We’re kinda in the same situation, right, AJ?”

  “Pretty much,” AJ says.

  I look up at AJ. Because this is code talk again. I don’t know how I know, I just do. They’re discussing something between the lines. “What are you guys not telling me?”

  “Nothing,” AJ says. “I think we’ve been pretty honest with you. Damon wants you dead. We don’t. So what else can we do but make a go of it?”

  “Right,” I say. “I see that part. But the part I’m confused about is… how do you guys know you’ll still want to do this in say… a week?”

  “Jesus, Yvette.” AJ laughs. “Give us a little more credit than that.”

  “But—” I stammer. “But don’t you think we should have rules? Or come to some sort of agreement?”

  “About you?” AJ says, sincerely surprised about this new line of questioning. “Are you asking me if one day I might wake up and be like… ‘I’m done sharing and now I have kill Logan?’”

  “Um… no. No. That wasn’t quite what I was thinking.”

  “Let me explain,” Logan says.

  AJ and I both turn to face him. He’s holding two champagne flutes in his hand. AJ and I take one each, automatically. Then Logan goes back to get his glass, comes back to us and takes a seat at the table nearby.

  “First,” he says, “Cheers. To our new beginning. May it be filled with everything we ever dreamed of.”

  “Cheers to that,” AJ says, downing his drink.

  I do the same, but only drink half, then walk over to the table and take a seat next to Logan.

  “We’re not done dancing,” AJ says.

  “I think this is important,” I say. “I don’t want to come between you two. And I don’t want to get to that island and figure out that one of you can’t live with our decision.”

  Logan sighs as AJ comes over and sits down next to him. “I can live with it. Can you, Aje?”

  AJ nods. “I can too.”

  “Listen carefully, OK?” Logan says, directing his words to me. “You can’t come between us. Understand? It simply cannot happen.”

  “So you two don’t have normal feelings like jealousy or greed?”

  AJ laughs. “Oh, fuck, yeah, we do. But…” He stops to look at Logan. “But we’re loyal to each other. Maybe we’re not loyal to anyone else. Fine. That’s probably true. But we’re loyal to each other.”

  I look at Logan because he doesn’t say anything. They’re locked in a heated stare that makes me uncomfortable and I’m not even participating in this exchange.

  “Isn’t that right?” AJ asks Logan.

  It takes several more seconds but Logan finally responds with a nod. “Yeah. That’s right.”

  But in my head I hear that name they call him. Logan the Loyal. And they call him that because it’s a joke.

  He’s not loyal. Never has been.

  So how can he be loyal now?

  Chapter Thirty-Four - LOGAN

  I know what they’re both thinking, but it doesn’t matter anymore. What’s done is done.

  “Do you have any idea how pissed off Damon is gonna be when he finds out we’re all still alive but not under his control anymore?”

  I’m talking to AJ, but looking at Yvette. Because I can’t meet his eyes right now. If I do, I won’t be able to tell the lie.

  “I have an idea,” Yvette says.

  “Yeah,” I say. “I’m sure you do. You could probably write a whole book about your experience with Damon.”

  Which is unfair and maybe a little mean. Because she did write a whole book about it. It’s up in her journal. The rapes. The beatings. The verbal abuse. It’s all in there.

  But she needs to think about this. They both need to think about this. Because that’s who that guy is. He will never stop. He killed her husband and their infant daughter just to get revenge. Just because she didn’t w
ant to be raped, and beaten, and verbally abused anymore and took it upon herself to leave.

  Not kill him. Not hurt him. Not even spit threats and insults at him.

  Just leave. Just walk away with nothing.

  And even if you add in the fact that she was pregnant, he has to know that the baby probably isn’t his. That’s how many times he let his inner circle rape her.

  Doesn’t matter though. Not in Damon’s mind.

  She committed the ultimate sin. She turned him into something meaningless.

  And he can’t stand that. He’d rather be killed than forgotten.

  So he bided his time. He planned this whole thing so carefully just so he could maximize the depth of his retribution over her betrayal. Take away all her hard-won happiness.

  “He is going to hunt us down, Yvette.” But again, I’m really talking to AJ. He’s the one who needs to hear this from me. I just can’t tell him that yet. “There is no limit to the resources he will spend in order to find us. There is no line he won’t cross, there is no wait that is too long, there is no way out. Do you understand this?”

  She swallows hard and nods. “I do,” she whispers.

  “We’re all we have left.”

  I let that hang there. Staring at her. She stares back and then I switch my gaze to AJ and say it again, just for his benefit. “If we do this… we’re all we have left.”

  AJ’s gaze can’t meet mine. It hurts to see it. I want to tell him that. I really do.

  I want to say, I’m sorry. I had to do it.

  I want to tell him I love him. And if we did this I’m sure I’d love Yvette too. I’m sure we, of all people, could make this fucked-up threesome work.

  I want to tell him thank you. For being my friend. For always having my back. For trusting me today.

  Because he did trust me. I heard his phone ring upstairs. I knew who it was. I knew what he said. And I also knew, with my whole heart, that AJ would never do it. He would never betray me the way I would him.

  And that’s why I knew I’d win out in the end.

  AJ sways a little in his chair, almost falls over.