This Isn't Goodbye

by K. R. Reese

  There’s shock written all over her face. I don’t think she expected that. But right now, there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.

  “Finish up and we can watch a movie until we fall asleep.”

  Slowly, the tension evaporates from the room and we snuggle into the couch. I let Cheyenne pick a movie because I could care less what we watch, so long as she’s got a smile on her face.

  We’re not even an hour into the movie when Cheyenne scoots closer and lays her head on my shoulder. I have to fight the urge to kiss her forehead like I would have done so many years ago.

  Then Cheyenne whispers, her eyes still on the screen. “No matter why you’re here, I’m grateful. I don’t like being alone. Your deployments together always bothered me because it took you both away from me. Mason always tried to be here when that happened, but he couldn’t always get a personal leave for long. This time, he’s over there and couldn’t have come home.”

  I wrap my arm around her shoulders and squeeze her tight. “I’ll be here until you literally kick me out. Just so you know, you’ll have to call the MPs for that to happen.”

  She laughs, the first real laugh I’ve heard all day. “I’ll take note of that for later use. When you’re on my nerves and I’ve had enough of your hovering.”

  “We’ll see how long that takes. I’m not here to burden you or babysit you. I’m here for company. It sucks to be alone all the time.”

  My words trail off and we finish the movie. Cheyenne’s already curled against my side, her breathing deep and heavy from sleep. My eyes droop closed, and I let the darkness of the room pull me to sleep with her.

  The last few months have been the same routine. It’s surprisingly pleasant to have a routine at all since our lives have always been hectic. Dylan’s called as much as he’s been able, and I think we’re finally in a good place. He apologized for everything he said, and in return, I told him we needed to talk about what’s bothering us, so it never happens again. He agreed.

  Since I moved to base right after his training was over, I haven’t thought much about what I want to do. I’ve never been the woman who wanted to stay at home, raise kids someday and be a stay at home. For whatever reason, that lifestyle just never suited my interests. Of course, I would love kids one day, but now isn’t the time. At Dylan’s suggestion, I started taking classes at the local technical college. They don’t have a lot of choices, so I decided to do the medical assistant courses. While it isn’t ideal, it keeps me occupied.

  Cole hasn’t left the house unless he’s needed to. He goes to work every day; goes to the grocery store and all the normal shit he’s always done. But at the end of the day, he’s back at our house. We always eat dinner together and turn in for the night. While he has his own apartment, he’s been holed up in our guestroom since the day Dylan left. I can’t say I like the idea that he’s putting part of his life on hold because of me, but I also love having him around. The house would be quiet and empty without him here.

  Today is the rare day we both have off. He ran back to his apartment to grab a few things he never brought here, and I’m surprised it’s taken him this long. After the trip to get all his clothes, I expected him to make frequent visits for something he forgot. But he hasn’t and this is where he’s been.

  I’m sitting at the table studying when there’s a knock at the door. My brows furrow, unsure who could be here. Cole has a key and just walks in. Mason isn’t due home for a week either. I leave my open textbooks where they are. I undo the deadbolt and open the door.

  There are two men in Army uniforms standing on my porch. The air in my lungs escapes at a rapid rate, and I can’t breathe.

  As far as I’ve ever known, there’s only one reason an officer comes to your home dressed in uniform. The news they deliver is never good news.

  “Ma’am, we’re looking for Cheyenne Cross?” The first officer who must have knocked removes his cap.

  “Yes-s, that’s me. Can I ask what this is about?” I bite my thumbnail, afraid to hear what they have to say. It isn’t every day this happens. Unless something is wrong.

  “Can we please come in, Ma’am?” the second officer finally says.

  “If you don’t mind, I’d like to call a friend to come over first.” I close the door in their faces and rush to call Cole through the haze surrounding me.

  It rings several times and I think he isn’t going to pick up. I know he doesn’t touch his phone while he’s driving, but I hope this time he does.

  “Hey, Chey, I’m almost back…”

  I cut him off. “W-where are you? There are two officers standing on my porch and I just closed the door in their faces when they asked if they could come in.” Silence greets me from the other end of the line. “Cole, are you there?”

  “I’m pulling into the driveway,” he says gruffly and disconnects the call.

  A moment later, they all walk through the door with grim expressions on their faces. Tears begin to roll down my cheeks. Cole comes to stand beside me, but I pull away from him.

  When Cole and Dylan were both on deployments, I would have nightmares about this. I would wake up, unable to sleep and the feeling wouldn’t go away until I heard from both again. How could this be happening now?

  “Ma’am, we would like to offer our utmost condolences. Sergeant First Class Dylan Cross was killed in action four days ago…”

  My arms wrap around my waist and I almost crumble to the floor. Cole catches me before I can fall and wraps me in his arms. The officers at the door say something, but I can’t breathe. I can’t form a coherent thought.

  This can’t be real. This can’t be happening.

  “Cheyenne, Cheyenne,” I hear Cole whisper in my ear.

  “I need to know you won’t check out if something happens to me, Chey. You need to live your life.”

  I hear Dylan’s voice in my mind. I only wish, at this moment, I could turn to dust and be with him again. I wish he were here. I wish he would have never gone.

  I wish. I wish. I wish.

  No matter how many times I wish, it won’t change what they just told me. Dylan isn’t here and he never will be. The thought rips my heart out.

  “Miss,” one of the officers tries to speak to me again. But I can’t look at him, at them. I can’t move. Knowing that Dylan chose to go on the deployment was one thing. Knowing he no longer breathed the air surrounding us was another. I’m destroyed.

  “There’s been a misunderstanding…” I whisper to no one in particular. I look at Cole through the blur of my tears. “They’ve got it wrong, Cole, they have to.”

  I bury my face in his chest and he holds me tighter.

  When the officers go to leave, I try to pull myself together. I stumble to the living room and slowly back my way to the couch. My world is tilted upside down right now. I’m sick. I’m dizzy. I’ve completely lost it.

  I think I’m going to be sick. A part of me wants to scream and curse, but then it hits me. If it had been possible for him to come home, he would have. His mind was already messed up over our last deployment.

  As I stare at Cheyenne, guilt eats away at my insides. I could have reported him to his senior officers. I could have told them he wasn’t mentally stable for this mission. I could have done so many things differently that would have prevented him from leaving. If I had done any of those things, he would have hated me. But he would still be here. He would still be alive.

  “I need to know you’ll take care of her if anything happens to me.”

  I promised him that before he left, and I’ve kept that promise. I’ll always keep that promise. I realize that I’m clenching my fists as our reality really sinks in.

  I know concern is etched on my face as I stare at nothing. “Chey,” I croak and reach out for her hand. “I’m so, so sorry.”

  I desperately want to tell her so many things. But none of them will change what just happened, what’s still to happen in the coming days. Cheyenne’s in no position to make the call
s that need to be done, the arrangements that need to be made. That means I have to do it, and I will because it’s what he would want me to do.

  “There are some calls I need to make, Sweetheart, they can’t wait. Will you be okay here for a few?”

  She answers with a nod of her head. I know she needs space right now. She needs time to think and work this out in her head. I stand and place a gentle kiss to her temple before I walk outside to the back porch with my phone in my hand.

  First, I need to get ahold of Mason’s command and see what we can do about him catching an earlier flight. He’s supposed to fly in in a few days, but I think he should be here now. Cheyenne’s going to need him as much as I am.

  Hours later, I’m lying in the guestroom by myself. After I made all the calls I needed to, I made sure Cheyenne ate something, even if it was small and tucked her into bed. I laid beside her, with her head on my chest until she fell asleep and rolled away from me.

  Now, I can’t sleep. This is all so messed up. When Dylan left, I knew it wasn’t right. I didn’t feel right letting him walk away and board that plane. Our last deployment, our brother dying, shook both of us to our cores. We were in survival mode for quite a while; I don’t think Dylan ever left it. And then, he announced he was leaving. I never dreamed he would die, be killed. I’ve always had his back. Since our senior year in high school, I’ve been at his back time and again, even when I didn’t agree with what he was doing.

  I was in denial. I was in so much pain that it hurt to breathe. My worst fear, Cheyenne’s worst fear, came true today and the struggle to get through each day was just beginning. I know I can’t be hard on myself for not preventing this deployment, but that’s what I’m doing anyway because I could have stopped it. Well, at least stopped Dylan from going.

  Instead, I let him go and promised to take care of Cheyenne until he got home. But I hadn’t anticipated that he would never come home.

  Sometime later, my eyes close and I drift off to a restless sleep.

  I startle awake and everything hurts. The sun is streaming through the window, but everything around me seems gray. Broken. Dull. I had hoped when I went to bed last night that I’d wake up this morning and it would all be a bad dream.

  The ache in my chest and the pounding of my head tell me otherwise. None of this is a dream. Dylan’s really gone.

  Tears trickle down my cheeks onto my chin and neck, but I make no attempt to brush them away. A sob escapes and I hide my face into the pillow. I know Cole’s still somewhere in the house, even if he escaped last night when he thought I had fallen asleep. He wouldn’t have left me here, especially not now.

  I close my eyes and beg my mind to shut off. I don’t care if I fall back asleep, I just need everything to quit hurting.

  That wouldn’t ever happen though.

  There’s a light knock at the door and Cole comes into view.

  “Hey, Chey, I think you should come downstairs.”

  I don’t meet his gaze. There’s so much pain and heartache to be seen there, they probably mirror my own. But his also show sympathy. I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to feel it.

  I just don’t want anything. Not without Dylan.

  Cole comes to sit on the edge of the bed beside me, but I ignore him. “Come on, Sweetheart, you need to eat. Dylan wouldn’t want this.” He whispers the words, afraid to spook me, I’m sure. At the mention of my husband’s name, rage fills me.

  I sit up in the bed and the tears flow faster. “Dylan isn’t here to tell us what he wants, Cole! And he’s never coming back. How am I supposed to live with that? How am I supposed to live without him?” The sobs that wrack my body are harder now, consuming me completely.

  Cole climbs in beside me and holds me to him. His arms don’t provide the comfort they once did, and I don’t know if they ever will again. It feels like I died right along with Dylan.

  “I just want to see my husband,” I whisper and clench my eyes closed.

  “I know, Sweetheart, and you will later today.”

  My eyes shoot open and I dart to the bathroom connected to my bedroom. I spew the contents of my stomach as Cole comes in behind me and holds my hair away from my face.

  “I’m sorry, Chey,” he mumbles. He doesn’t say anything else; he doesn’t have to. There are going to be a hoard of people who will say the same cliché lines, give the same sympathetic looks. They won’t mean them. But looking at Cole as I lean back against the side of the shower door, I know he feels exactly like I do. Dylan was his best friend, too, and now he’s gone.

  “Please quit apologizing for something you can’t change.”

  It’s the first time I’ve said something that didn’t involve tears. Cole notices, but doesn’t acknowledge it. There’s a haunted look in his eyes, and I want to be the one to make it disappear.

  “You’re right, I should eat something. Let’s go downstairs.”

  He takes my hand and pulls me up. He doesn’t release his grip as we make our way to the kitchen where there’s breakfast waiting.

  “What’s all this?” I ask. I know Cole can cook, but not like this.

  “There was food delivered this morning. There’s been a few things delivered throughout the day from different people. I know this is the part you hate, the fake sympathy, but it’s rude to turn them away. They’re trying to help the only way they know how.”

  I nod and stare intently into the living room. Our wedding photos are spaced around the room on canvas. It’s the only thing that hung on our walls when we first moved here because it’s the only thing we had for decoration. Now, I can’t look at them.

  All I see is my husband staring back at me. My husband who isn’t coming home. I’ll never hear his voice, his laugh, see his smile.

  “I need you to take those down.” I choke out and point to the images.

  Cole follows my directions and crouches in front of me. “Chey, you can’t erase him, you can’t erase your lives.”

  “I-I can’t look at them, Cole. Please,” I beg.

  He stares into my eyes for a minute before he sighs and goes into the room. I turn my back as he does as I asked.

  When he comes back and sits across from me again, I notice the dark circles under his eyes. “You didn’t sleep last night either?” I ask.

  He shakes his head and picks at the bacon on his plate. “I couldn’t. There are so many things I wish I could change, and now I’ll never get the chance.”

  “The last time I saw Dylan, we fought, we weren’t on good terms when he left. Maybe…”

  “You can’t think like that, Chey, because it’ll eat you alive if you let it. It’s been six months since that happened, you guys were on good terms now. That’s what matters.”

  I go to answer him when there’s a knock at the door. I gesture for Cole to answer it, and he does. I can vaguely hear whispers, but I can’t see who is on the other side. Cole doesn’t let them into the house and says he’ll take care of it.

  When the door slams shut, but Cole doesn’t come around the corner, I stand and go in search of him.

  I round the corner to the entryway and stop in my tracks. There in front of my front door is a green Army trunk, emblazoned with Dylan’s name on the side. Cole is knelt in front of it with his head in his hands.

  I can’t hold back the sobs this time and I join Cole on the floor. I squeeze into his side and close my eyes.

  “Shit,” he says. “I didn’t want you to see this right now, Chey, I’m sorry. I just…I couldn’t move. I froze.”

  I shake my head. “It’s his things. They’re where they belong now.”

  Cole stares at me incredulously like I’ve grown a third eye or something. “How are you so…I don’t know.” He huffs and pulls at his hair.

  “Because if I don’t try to push out the emotions, I’m not going to survive today. The next few days. There’s a lot to do, and Dylan deserves the best. I won’t take that away from him now.”

  Cole falls on the floor be
side me and hugs me. “We’re quite a pair right now.”

  “No one would expect any differently.”

  “You’re right, I know you’re right, but I’m not ready for this. I’ve buried one too many teammates, Chey, and I don’t know if…if I can do it again.”

  When I see the tears falling down my best friend’s face, mine flow freely, too. “I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through, what Dylan had gone through. I could never do what you guys do. And this isn’t where we thought we’d be, but there’s nothing we can do about it. Dylan deserves everything he’s going to get, Cole, and I’ll do whatever I can to make sure of it.”

  “Then you should probably go get dressed. They delivered a message when they dropped that off.” He points to the crate behind him. “It’s time to see your husband, Chey.”

  I choke on my tears. I’m not ready for today, but I have to be. Dylan has been my strength, my hope, my life for years. Now, I needed my strength. While Dylan wasn’t physically here, I knew he would always be with me. I had to hold onto that.

  “I’m…I’ll go get dressed.”

  Cole nods and stands to pull me off the floor. “I’ll wait here.”

  There have been people – friends, family, teammates, strangers – in and out all day. Cheyenne has put a small, tentative smile on her face, but I can see right through her. Today was hard, harder than I ever thought it would be. I’ve buried friends before. But none were as close as Dylan and I were. I stood by Cheyenne’s side, I watched as they presented her with that folded flag now resting on the mantel beside his picture, and my whole world cracked.

  It’s edging close to seven and I just want to go to sleep. When I catch Cheyenne’s eyes from across the room, she nods toward the stairs. I make my way through the crowd of people and find her sitting at the bottom.

  “What’s going on?” I ask her carefully.

  “I want you to get all these people out of my face. If I hear another, I’m sorry for your loss, I may strangle whoever says it.”