This Isn't Goodbye

by K. R. Reese

  She shakes her head, her eyes closed. “I haven’t…” That’s all I needed to hear.

  Her body begins to shudder in response to my words, begging me to make good on my promises. The anticipation is killing me, but I’m not done. “As I’m pumping you with my fingers, I want to feel every inch of you until I make you moan, make you scream. Do you want that, Chey?”

  She nods and releases a strangled sigh. Shit. I haven’t even touched her yet. A shaky hand releases the grip she has on my hand, giving me permission to make good of my words.

  Without a second of hesitation, I’m lifting the side of her panties and sliding them down below her knees until she’s free of them completely. I groan into her mouth, wanting her to know what she’s doing to me. My hand moves back to her thighs. I glide up toward her center as she’s spreading for me as her breaths release in quick pants. She is so ready. Just another inch up her leg and I’m home.

  A shrill ring pierces the room. I pull away from Cheyenne, gasping for air. My head falls to her chest as I try my best to regain my composure. She’s gripping my waist now as if afraid to let go. This is so wrong, but fuck if it doesn’t feel right.

  Once I’ve got my breath back, I lift myself from the couch. When I look down at Cheyenne, her eyes are closed and she’s taking long, deep breaths. “We should get to sleep,” I say.

  Without a word she opens her eyes, but I look away, already knowing I’ll see disappointment flooding them. It’s the same disappointment I feel. I’m also relieved we were interrupted and didn’t have a chance to take things further.

  I help her up and realize she’s looking at me, waiting for me to respond with anything to validate her feelings. But I can’t return her gaze. I know the interruption was for the best.

  Every day I’m around Cheyenne makes the battle between my mind and my heart that much harder. I want her in every way possible, just like I did all those years ago. But as much as her hold dominates every rational part of me, there’s something bigger festering within me. The reason I can’t go any further with her than a heated kiss. A reason that’s haunted me for years.

  Cole doesn’t see the moisture blurring my vision. He doesn’t see the pain behind my eyes. Because he doesn’t even look at me. Not as I gather our trash and carry it to the kitchen, and not as I fold the blankets we were just cuddled under.

  It’s not until I begin to climb the stairs that he finally turns his eyes toward me. I can feel him watching as I quickly close the gap between the stairs and my bedroom. I rush to close and lock the door behind me, letting the weight of my embarrassment come crashing down.

  If my pounding heart could speak, it would convince me that Cole would return my feelings if he could. That’s what I believe. What I also know is that there’s a force, bigger than us, that plays defense to our desires, and it’s a battle only Cole can fight. If he chooses to.

  My eyes feel like lead, my face puffy. I knew Cole was only a few doors away, so I had to muffle my sobs into the pillow. The end of the night was shitty. I know Cole still cares. But in the end, it’s never enough.

  I put myself out there for him. But then he pulls away and acts like nothing happened.

  Why is he holding back? Why do I even care anymore?

  There’s a knock on the door and I quickly cover my head.

  “What are you still doing in bed? I thought we could find something to do outside today.” The concern is evident in his voice.

  I can’t look at him, not after last night. He’s already made me vulnerable; it’s only a matter of time before it all crumbles. Cole seems to be in control of my emotions. But not anymore. Whatever wavering confidence he has about us is something he has to deal with.

  “I don’t want to see you today,” I finally give him my muffled reply. I roll away from him burrowing further into the blankets.

  Just when I think he’s left the room; the pillow is removed from my head and I feel an arm wrap around my waist.

  “Stop, Chey,” his voice is full of desperation.

  For a split second, I want to sink into Cole’s embrace. But I already know how it’ll end. I roll and push him away from me. “Why? So, you can pretend to care then push me away again?”

  “That’s not it, Chey. I’m not pretending.”

  “Then what is it?” I demand. “Do you like me, or do you hate me, Cole? Because one minute you want me, and the next you’re pulling away. I can’t keep doing it. You’re giving me whiplash.”

  Cole’s face twists like he’s in pain. “I’m trying to be your friend again.”

  A sardonic laugh escapes me. “Friends don’t kiss or remove their panties. This isn’t high school anymore, Cole.” I shake my head. “Why can’t you admit that there’s something between us?”

  Cole squeezes his eyes shut. “It was a mistake. We got carried away. I got carried away.”

  “You know damn well that’s not what’s happening!” I scream, then push away from him to stand.

  A look of fury crosses his face, his eyes filled with intensity. “We can’t go there. It used to be so easy, being friends with you. But now, I can’t be around you without…” He shakes his head.

  “Why?” my voice croaks. I can’t break down now, not in front of him.

  “Life happened, Chey, and now it’s too late,” he groans.

  “But it’s not too late.”

  “Chey, it hurts to be around you.”

  I blink back tears. There was nothing to prepare me for that answer. My heart ricochets in my chest, trying to break free. They aren’t the words I want to hear, but they are words I can understand.

  “Okay,” I respond, unable to meet his gaze.

  When he goes to leave the room, he stops in the doorway. The words he whispers next are chilling.

  “You are Dylan’s.”

  I let him walk away for now, unable to process what I just heard.

  An hour later, after I’ve racked my brain for what makes him think it’s okay to fuck with my feelings, I go down the stairs in search of him.

  I quickly find him in the living room, lying on the couch. I smack his chest with a pillow and his eyes spring open as he jumps to his feet.

  “I’m not Dylan’s. I haven’t belonged to Dylan in four years. You were there. You know what happened.” I squeeze my eyes together, silently cursing myself. “I’m not disrespecting Dylan. I’ll always remember him as a friend, as a husband.”

  Cole shakes his head. “Here’s the thing. In my mind, you are his. You’ll always be his. Regardless of what happened, it doesn’t change the fact that it did happen. How disrespectful would that be for me to move in on my late best friends’ widow?”

  “We’re past the point when it comes to making a move, don’t you think?” My thoughts inappropriately drift to memories of last night and the feel of his hands exploring my skin. Of my entire body igniting in pleasure.

  The pain in his expression pulls me back to the present just as his hands rush to my hips. I gasp. His head bows down so his forehead is touching mine. “Damn it, Chey. As much as I want you, there’s no moving past what you and Dylan were.”

  My mind flits to graduation night, when I confronted Cole at the cabin while Dylan was asleep. That was the last bit of intimacy Cole and I shared until recently.

  He shoves away from me. “I was an idiot, Chey. There was never anyone else that compared to you or my feelings for you, but I never had the guts to give into what I wanted for the fear of losing something greater. Our friendship wasn’t irreplaceable. We had already crossed the line once. Anymore and it may have shattered completely. Our friendship was worth too much to me to risk even the slightest crack.”

  Holy shit.

  “But Chey, you have to understand. Our connection, our history…none of that changes the fact that you chose Dylan,” he says. “I don’t want you to feel bad about that. He made you happy. I just want to get this out of the way and move on because I can’t give you more than friendship.”


  As his words sink in, Cole backs away and storms outside away from me.

  I watch him disappear down the road, his taillights fading in the distance. All of this hasn’t been my imagination. Cole won’t act on his feelings out of loyalty to Dylan.

  The past two days have been tense. After our argument the other night, Chey and I have barely spoken to each other. I haven’t let that change my mind on going home with her, though. She’s excited to see Mason, but I think deep down she’s afraid, too, even if she won’t admit it.

  I walk into the living room to find her waiting. Her suitcase is packed and beside the door.

  “You ready to go?” I ask.

  She jumps up from her seat, a smile lighting up her face. “Yes! I can’t believe my baby brother isn’t a baby anymore. He’s all grown, and I have to say I don’t like it.” She grabs her bag and pushes her way out the door. I follow behind and listen to her ramble about stories of their childhood. I was there for most of it, but I don’t interrupt her. She’s nervous, understandably, but she’s trying to hide it well.

  I allow her the distraction as we head out of Brookdell. I watch the way her eyes light up when she talks about all the trouble they used to get into, and I would be an asshole to stop her and try to talk seriously.

  A few hours into the trip, she’s silent as she watches the scenery outside her window. I begin to worry that she’s thinking about what’s going to happen, but I don’t push it.

  “Mason doesn’t want me to come home. I think he’s afraid of what I’ll do when we say goodbye.”

  The sentence catches me off guard. I clear my throat to cover up the shock. “He’s just worried about you, Chey. These things aren’t easy for anyone.”

  Not a lie.

  I don’t elaborate, and we shift back to silence for the remainder of the drive.

  When I pull up outside the gates on base, Cheyenne stiffens.

  “We don’t have to go in, Chey. Mason can meet us somewhere else.”

  She shakes her head no. “I need to do this, Cole. To prove that I can. To prove that I’m stronger than that broken girl.”

  I nod, and we exchange our ID’s with the guard on duty. When the gate lifts, I chance a sideways glance at her.

  “I don’t know where Mason lives. Care to help?”

  Cheyenne leads us to a condo on the opposite side of the base. It’s a family home, not somewhere that Mason should be living without a wife and kids.

  “It isn’t his house. This isn’t his home. They have them here until they deploy and he’s staying with a friend.”

  I acknowledge the statement before she’s rushing out of the car toward her brother.

  I step out but stay back, letting them have their time. In just a few days, she’ll be sending her brother off to war. I don’t think it’s settled yet, but I don’t say anything to her. She needs to spend as much time with Mason as she can before he’s gone.

  “Hey, man, it’s good to see you again.”

  I step forward to shake his hand. I watched him grow up, in a way. Just shy of two years younger, Mason followed me into the military at eighteen. His parents disapproved but gave their permission. There wasn’t anything they could do to change his mind.

  “Good to see you, man. Your sister wanted to see you, so here I am.”

  A questioning look crosses Mason’s face before it’s gone. I know there will be questions later, but I ignore them right now. This is about Cheyenne’s time with Mason, I’m not going to intrude.

  “Chey, I’m going to find a hotel to stay at while you spend time with Mace. Call me when you’re ready for me to pick you up and I’ll come back.”

  “Come on, man, you can hang with us. It can be just like old times,” Mason’s voice falters and his face falls, sneaking a look at his sister.

  Before it can ruin the moment, Cheyenne speaks up. “Nonsense, Cole. You haven’t seen Mason either. Let’s hang out.” I watch her fight the fear that is clearly visible in her eyes.

  She’s afraid I’ll run again.

  I take a step toward her but stop myself. Mason smirks when he notices. Great. More questions.

  “I’ll stay for a little while, but then it’s all you guys.”

  We pile back in the car to find somewhere to eat. Conversation flows easily with Mason as a buffer. It’s interesting and light, and Cheyenne smiles the entire time.

  When we make it back to where Mason’s staying, dusk has fallen. I didn’t realize how long we had been gone.

  “We’ll catch you tomorrow, Mace,” Cheyenne hugs her brother before turning away. “Let me know when we can come back. I’ll let you know where we’re staying if you want to come there instead.”

  Mason nods and waits for Cheyenne to get back in the car. I step forward and offer my hand. It seems like the right thing to do since he wasn’t a kid anymore.

  “What’re you doing with my sister, Cole?” Mason’s eyes narrow.

  “I brought her back to see you off, Mace, nothing else. I haven’t been back this way in too long, so I offered to come with her.”

  He looks skeptical, for good reason. I have no idea what I’m doing but walking away from Cheyenne doesn’t seem like an option.

  “Listen, Cole, I like you. There hasn’t been a time when I don’t remember you being there. But she’s been through a lot because of the military. In her eyes, they took her husband from her. She doesn’t need to be involved with another soldier that disappears all the time. I’m not stupid, man. I’ve grown up in this lifestyle too. I get more than twenty-four-hour notices for my deployments. You don’t and neither did Dylan.” Mason stops and takes a breath, looking over my shoulder. “I know you mean well, I know I called you, but tread carefully. I can’t stand for her to get hurt again. She won’t…” He stops short and doesn’t finish his sentence.

  He doesn’t have to. I know what he was going to say.

  Cheyenne won’t survive if she loses someone else.

  I nod and head off to find a hotel.

  I intently watch the pissing match between Mason and Cole. I’m not entirely sure what it’s about, but I have a good idea. Mason is warning Cole away from me.

  He was the one who called him.

  I know my brother is protective. I know I shouldn’t get involved with Cole. He was Dylan’s best friend, and while he would have wanted us to be happy, I didn’t know if I could do it.

  The lifestyle they led wasn’t for me. It was bad enough I was stuck because of Mason. I didn’t need to fall in love with another soldier who wouldn’t come home one day.

  I clear my head and pay attention to each ding of the elevator. One of the hotels had an open room with two beds. While we would be sharing a room, we wouldn’t have to share a bed.

  Not that I would have minded.

  I sneak a glance at Cole who has his fists clenched at his sides. Without thinking, I lay my hand on his forearm, his eyes shooting to mine.

  “Ignore, Mace, he’s just looking out for me.”

  Cole’s eyes grow darker, but he doesn’t move. Doesn’t say anything. When the elevator announces our arrival to our floor, I scoot past him into the hallway. Keycard in hand, I unlock the door and drop my bag inside.

  “It’s been a long day. I’m going to get a shower and head to bed. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  Cole still hasn’t said anything, so I take my pajamas and head to the bathroom.

  Once inside the shower, I let the thoughts swirl around my head. I have one more day with Mason. Then he’ll be halfway around the world. I know it isn’t fair to ask him to give it all up. It’s selfish, really. But I know he would in a heartbeat. For me.

  I can’t say the same for the brooding man in the next room. Having Cole around again feels natural – like home – and while it scares me, I won’t give it up easily. I refuse to let him walk away again, even if we’re only friends.

  We’ve never been only friends.

  The thought blindsides me. Deep down, I know it’s t
rue. There’s always been a connection with Cole that I haven’t had with anyone else. I had a connection with Dylan, too, but it was different.

  I finish in the shower and grab a towel. When I look in the mirror, I see myself for the first time in years.

  I’ve hid behind the pain of losing Dylan for far too long. While I’ll always love him, he isn’t coming back. Cole’s here, in the present, and I don’t want to let him go. Maybe that’s selfish, maybe I shouldn’t pursue him. But from the moment I laid eyes on him again, I knew it wouldn’t be that easy.

  I wake in the morning to the sun shining bright through the hotel room curtains. Cole’s lying in the other bed with his back to me, tattoos peeking from beneath the blanket.

  I never knew he had his entire back done. He hadn’t the last time I had seen him, anyway.

  A lot can change in a few short years.

  Trying to remain quiet, I creep toward the edge of his bed, eyeing the ink I can see.

  “Are you watching me sleep?” His gruff voice jolts me back a step and I fall on my bed.

  “I, um,” I fumble for words. “I was going to wake you.”

  Cole rolls toward me, eyes still glazed from sleep, a smile tugging at his lips.

  “I think you were watching me sleep. Call it a sixth sense, if you will.”

  I twist my hands together, looking down at the floor.

  “Chey, come here,” Cole pats the bed beside him.

  Slowly, I make my way back to the mattress and sit beside him. Cole isn’t having that though. He pulls me toward him, lifting the blanket up around me until I’m against his chest.

  “You can watch me sleep whenever you want. I’m sorry if I scared you.”

  My gaze connects with his. “You didn’t scare me, Cole. I was examining your tattoos.” I snuggle closer in the warmth of the blanket and his skin. “You didn’t have those a few years ago.”

  I can feel him chuckle. “Nope, I didn’t. I got them done after my last tour. A lot of time. A lot of money. All of it worth it.”