This Isn't Goodbye

by K. R. Reese

  I meet his eyes, my breath catching in my throat.

  “Tell me we’re not pretending anymore.” His voice cracks, and suddenly I realize what this past month has been about. It hasn’t just been about getting to know me again. He wants to trust this. To trust me. And he wants me to trust him.

  I melt at his words and shake my head. “No, Cole. Not anymore.”

  “So, you’re mine?”

  The words are a contrast to what he said when I first arrived at the cabin. “I need to hear you say it, Chey,” his husky voice demands.

  “I’m yours, Cole,” I whisper. “I think I’ve always been yours, in a way.”

  He guides my head toward his until we crash together in an explosive kiss. His hands find the bottom of my shirt and slip inside it, running a hand up my back before he circles my waist and pulls my body down firmly onto his lap. He groans, and then it all intensifies.

  Each touch.

  Each sound.

  Our breathing.

  Our rhythm.

  He rocks up into me, pulling away from my mouth and grabbing hold of the bottom of my t-shirt. With one look in my eyes, he asks permission. My shirt comes off. His eyes roam over me before his hands do. And then his mouth is wrapping around the peaks of my breasts and teasing each one with a gentle suction.

  “Cole,” I groan.

  Both of his hands have moved down again so that they’re on my thighs, under my shorts, rocking me into him with a firm grip as if he can’t get enough. He tastes me. Licks me. Nips me. His pants and my shorts leave little to the imagination, only sending us into a deeper frenzy.

  I pant into the air. My hands are equally greedy as they grip his hair and I press into him. “Cole,” I say again, this time for an entirely different reason. My heart rate quickens, and my muscles begin to clench. Grinding against him might just get me to where I need to be.

  “You’re so beautiful, Chey,” he murmurs against my skin. “Fuck. I need to be inside you.” But he doesn’t try to move us. Instead, he’s helping me find my release as I desperately move against him, and I swear he might come to.

  A sharp moan makes it past my throat as pleasure soars through me, blasting my body with shudders, and then everything goes still.

  With a growl, Cole grips me by the waist and stands to throw me on the bed on my back. But just as he starts to tug at my shorts, a phone rings somewhere in the room.

  What the hell? No.

  Cole’s head falls to my chest with a moan. Running my hands through his hair, I sigh. “Ignore it.”

  We’re still barely clothed when he starts to move above me, pressing his lips to mine. And then his phone rings again.

  He groans and pulls away. “I have to answer it, Chey.”

  Pulling away from Cheyenne is torture, but the insistent ringing on my phone has to be answered. When I pick it up from the stand, an all too familiar number stairs back at me and my heart sinks. I step out onto the balcony to take the call.

  “Sir,” I answer on the fourth ring.

  “I told you none of that ‘sir’ bullshit with me, Cole. I may be your commander, but I’m not much older than you. Anyways, pack your bags. You fly out tomorrow at zero nine hundred hours.”

  “If I may, Sir, I’m not home right now. An old family friend deployed today, and I took his sister to see him off.”

  “How is Cheyenne?”

  A smile graces my lips before I remember why he’s calling.

  “She’s good, great actually. Getting through this the best she can.”

  A sigh comes over the line. “I can change the flight plans, but you’ll still be flying out tomorrow at thirteen-hundred hours. That’s the best I can do, Cole. It’ll be the same place you dropped Mason at.”

  That’s the thing about the military. They’re resilient. They make plans and don’t like them being changed. But they can change them, and they will.

  “I’ll be there, sir,” I say before I disconnect the call.

  When I go back into the room, Cheyenne is taking food from a pizza delivery guy and handing him his tip. I don’t want to give her the bad news, but I don’t have a choice. I couldn’t put it off.

  “Who was that on the phone?”

  I don’t turn to face her before I answer. “My commander. You remember Jace?”

  She’s silent a beat before she answers. “How could I forget? He’s a flirt. How is he?”

  “He’s good, getting married to his best friend at some point. They got engaged a few months back.”

  Silence again and I turn to look at her. She’s standing on the opposite side of her bed, arms crossed over her chest.

  “Rip the band-aid off, Cole. It’ll hurt less.”

  “I fly out tomorrow. Same place Mason left from today.”

  Cheyenne’s face crumbles and she falls on the bed, pizza all but forgotten. I go to her and wrap her in my arms.

  “It’ll be okay, Chey,” I whisper. “I won’t be gone long. I’ll call when I can. You know the drill.”

  She snorts through her tears. “I don’t want to know the drill, but it’s a fact of life. At least my life.” She twines her hand through mine, lacing our fingers together. “I’m going to see you off tomorrow, Cole, and I don’t want any arguments. Mason tried like hell to keep me away. I’m not deterred easily.”

  I laugh. “I know, Sweetheart.” Our faces are inches apart, gazes connected. “I’m going to kiss you again, Chey,” I whisper an inch from her mouth.

  Our lips collide, and instinct takes over. I’ve wanted to do this for years. Before she was married. Before Dylan moved to town. Had I acted on these feelings; she wouldn’t have gone through everything she has. Maybe Dylan still would have been killed. We still would have lost our best friend. But somehow, I doubt it would’ve hurt as badly. I know that’s a selfish thing to say, but it’s what I’ve thought a lot about.

  When I try to pull back, she straddles my lap and deepens the kiss. My hands go to her hips, holding off her advances.

  Only a stupid man would turn her down.

  I never claimed to be a smart man. “Baby, I know our emotions are all over the place right now, but this isn’t how this is going to happen.”

  “I want you, Cole,” she whispers without breaking our connection.

  “I know, Baby, but not like this.” I push her back into the bed, lying down beside her. “I’m not going to rush with you, Chey. I’ve waited a lifetime to have you, really have you and I have a lifetime more to know you.”

  She snuggles against my side and I hold her. Listening to her breaths even out, I remember the food that we ordered. I decide not to wake her, and I close my eyes and let sleep pull me under.

  As we make our way to the tarmac for the second day in a row, everything looks different. I’m not sure what changed between yesterday and today, but something has.

  Maybe it’s the man standing beside me, hand closed around mine.

  These past few weeks with Cole have meant the world to me and I want so much more. We’ve got a long way to go, but he’s still my best friend. My only friend. And with Mason gone, and now Cole, I’ll have to go back home.

  I’m better than I thought I would be today. Telling Mason and Cole goodbye will never be easy, will never get any easier. But I can live with that if they keep coming home.

  “This is it, Baby,” he hugs me tight.

  “You won’t be gone long, and you’ll be back here.”

  He tightens his hold then pulls back. “I have to go.”

  I close my eyes and inhale deeply. “I love you, Cole,” I whisper. “I always have.”

  “I love you, too, Chey,” he kisses my head. “Take care of yourself, you hear me? I don’t want to hear one bad thing when I get back.”

  I crack a smile and he returns it. “I look forward to every tomorrow because it’s one day closer to you, soldier.”

  Cole pulls me in for a kiss. I try to deepen it before a whistle blows behind us.

  “I have t
o go, Baby,” he says. “I love you. I’ll call you.”

  “I love you, too,” I whisper. Before letting go of his hand, I remember something he always told me. “This isn’t goodbye,” I slowly smile.

  “This will never be goodbye, Chey,” he says back before he walks away.

  I’ve had to watch the most important people walk away from me the past two days. The last time someone walked away, declaring his love, he never came home. A small tear slides down my face, but I wipe it away.

  Today, I was going to be strong.

  Tomorrow, I was going to start reinventing the life I left behind four years ago.

  Tomorrow starts my new beginning.

  Because if I’ve learned anything in all of this, it’s not about who you fall in love with, it’s about the journey you take to make all your dreams come true. It’s unfair. At times, it’s hard.

  However, where there is hurt, there is happiness.

  Where there is love, there is hate.

  Wherever Cole is, is where I will always be. Standing next to him. By his side.

  The man who would live and die for me.

  He was mine.

  Then, now and forever.

  It had always been us. We just got lost along our journey.

  And I’ll never regret the detour my life had taken. Because it brought me Dylan, it brought me happiness. It brought me love.

  It’s rare you get to experience two loves in one lifetime. But I’m living it.

  There are going to be moments where I wish I could bring Dylan back, that he had never gone on that last tour. That feeling will never go away. Because he was my best friend long before we were married. He’ll always have a piece of my heart with him.

  But Cole is my future and I’m going to embrace it.

  I can’t contain my excitement as I watch everyone who leaves the terminal. I’ve been at the airport for two hours, too anxious to sit at home. I was afraid I would hit traffic and I wouldn’t be here on time.

  Now, I can’t sit still, and I’ve been getting strange glances from those surrounding me. I stand on my tiptoes and try to spot a familiar face. Two familiar faces.

  When Mason and Cole called me, at the same time, a few weeks ago, I was surprised. When their deployments started six months ago, they hadn’t been at the same location. I sent letters and care packages to them both, and neither had said a word.

  Then, Mason was transferred to come home and ended up with Cole. That made it better for me because I get to see them both today.

  When I spot the familiar cap coming around the corner, I hold my breath. I spot them before they spot me, and as soon as they’re out of the terminal completely and there aren’t any other people blocking my way, I run.

  Mason must notice because he drops his bag before I barrel into them both. Strong arms wrap around me and tears pour down my cheeks.

  “Holy shit, Chey,” Mace whispers in my ear. “It’s good to see you.”

  I pull back and smile up at him. “I missed you, Mace.”

  He smirks and releases his grip. “I’ll be over there,” he gestures to the coffee shop. “Let me know when you’re ready to leave.”

  I watch him walk away before I turn back around.

  Cole’s standing there with a smile of his own. He opens his arms wide and I jump into them, wrapping my legs around his waist.

  “Hey, Baby,” his husky voice says low in my ear.

  My tears flow faster, and I sob against his neck. “I’m so glad you both got to come home today. It’s like an early birthday and Christmas present all wrapped into one.”

  Cole laughs and places a gentle kiss on my lips.

  “We should probably get out of here before they call security because you’re mauling me.”

  I giggle and let him go, but I don’t move far from his side.

  We collect Mason, who got three coffees, and head back home.

  I peek in the rearview mirror at my little brother, his head resting on the seat behind him. “So, how long are you staying at home before you have to go back to base?”

  Cole sends me a sideways glance with a warning look in his gaze.

  I mouth, “What?” before my eyes connect with Mason’s.

  “I, uh, don’t know. I haven’t talked to my commander yet.” He sighs and closes his eyes again. “I’ll keep you updated though.”

  I frown and shoot Cole a worried glance. He shakes his head at me. I’ll ask him about it later, concern for my little brother sending waves of tension throughout the car.

  Cole’s hand lands on my leg and he squeezes reassuringly. The warmth calms me down some, but not completely. I know what can happen if someone ignores the signs; I know how bad it can be.

  Dylan was the perfect example for what happens to soldiers with PTSD. They’re determined to prove themselves; determined to right the wrongs they couldn’t have prevented if they tried.

  I don’t know if that is what’s going on with Mason right now, but I’ll find out. And I won’t let him do it alone. He doesn’t get to shut down, drink himself into oblivion and ignore the problems. He doesn’t get to lie to his family, his friends, or his commanding officers when they ask him about what happened.

  I won’t lose another person I love because of something that could have been prevented. Cole and Mason both came home to me, and I’ll do my best to make sure they’re as happy as they should be before I ever let them out of my sight again.

  I wake to the smell of coffee and roll out of bed. Cheyenne’s been quiet lately, and I can’t tell what’s on her mind, not too sure I want to know the answer.

  It’s been a long couple years since my last deployment where I decided that I would retire after my contractual obligations were over. Mason followed shortly after when he realized they were never going to release him for active duty again. It was an adjustment, for the both of us, but it made Cheyenne happy.

  At least at first. I still lived with a lot of regret, a lot of what ifs. We’ve talked about them extensively, and I agreed to see someone once a month. For a while, Mason spiraled and had his sister scared to death. I finally talked some sense into him and he’s in rehab; this is his second stint, and I hope it sticks.

  To an eighteen-year-old kid, the military sounds great. Benefits. Freedom. An adventure. That’s how they pull you in, and it works a lot of the time. It isn’t that I regret my time, I don’t, but there’s a lot that could have happened. There’s a lot that we bring home that they don’t tell you about.

  Mason was diagnosed with PTSD almost a year after we came home. He wasn’t meant to push papers at a desk all day, and it drove him insane. He retired and then got into the wrong crowds. When he gets out of rehab this time, he’ll be staying with us for a bit. Someone has to watch after him, and I know what to watch for.

  I couldn’t help Dylan. By the time I noticed the signs, he had already signed on for his last deployment that ended up taking his life. I wouldn’t let anything happen to Mason, too, because I don’t think we can deal with anymore loss.

  I shake my head of the thoughts and pad down the hallway. Cheyenne’s standing at the sink staring out over our backyard. I never thought I would live in our hometown again once I left, but here we are. I would go wherever she wanted, even if we lived in a car with nothing but the clothes on our backs.

  I sneak my arms around her waist, and she leans against me. “Morning, baby,” I whisper in her ear. “What are you thinking about?”

  She takes a deep breath and turns to face me. “I want to go see Dylan today.” I stare at her, shock evident on my face. I try to hide it, but I know I can’t. As far as I know, she’s never been to his gravesite. I visit often, sitting there for hours. I’ve never invited her along because I didn’t know how she would feel about it.

  “We can do that,” I clear my throat.

  Cheyenne flinches and grasps my hands. “I’m not… I don’t want to hurt you, Cole. But he’ll always be a part of me, a part of us.”

&nbs
p; I cut off her words with a kiss and lean my forehead against hers. “Never apologize, Chey, we can visit whenever you want. Or you can go alone if that’s what you need. I’ll never take that away from you.”

  A slow smile graces her lips. “I need you to come with me today. But I have something for you first.”

  I rub my hands together with a smirk on my face. “Oh, I get a surprise. What is it?” I know I’m acting like a child, but I would do anything to put a smile on her face.

  Cheyenne sits me in a chair and then pulls an envelope from her purse. She hands it across to me and can barely contain her excitement. We’ve been married for a year, but it seems like a lifetime. I haven’t seen her this excited in a long while.

  “Oh my God, Cole, just open it. I can’t take it.”

  I rub my jaw and look down at the envelope. “I don’t know. Maybe I should wait until we get home.”

  Cheyenne growls. “I swear to… Just open the damn envelope, Cole.”

  I laugh and slide my finger under the edge. An image falls out first, face down on the table. I ignore it and take the paper out.

  I unfold it and my jaw drops. I blink a few times to make sure I’m not seeing things.

  Congratulations, Daddy! is written in bold print across the page. I drop the paper and pick up the image that fell first. It’s an ultrasound, a baby’s face with a perfect nose and lips.

  I look up at Cheyenne who has tears in her eyes. I can feel the sting of my own.

  “Come here,” I whisper.

  She lunges at me and I hug her close, kissing the top of her head.

  “I love you, Chey,” I say.

  “I love you, too,” she replies. “I need to say goodbye. I’ll never forget him, but it’s time.”

  I pull back and wipe the tears from her face. “It’s never goodbye, Chey, no matter what.”

  A smile breaks through and her eyes glisten more.

  “Let’s go see, Dylan, baby.” I grab her hand and lead her out the door.

  If someone would have told my teenage self that this would be my life, I wouldn’t have believed them. Cheyenne and I skirted around the truth for so long, that sometimes it still seems unreal. But as we drive toward the cemetery where our best friend is buried, I know we were always meant to be.