Risk Takers: a touch of taboo

by Nicky James

  “I swear.”

  “Promise me you’ll always tell me the truth.”

  “I promise.”

  “If you want out, say it. We need to be open with each other.”

  I rolled to my side and smoothed the worry lines from his forehead. “I promise. You promise too? Goes both ways.”

  “I promise. Honesty and friendship.”

  “And good fucking.”

  He laughed.

  And it was great for the next three weeks until everything went to shit.

  Chapter Six

  Denver

  Strangely enough, the relationship Harley and I had developed worked wonders for my everyday self-esteem. I felt alive and invigorated and ready to conquer the world. It was also edgy and rebellious, which was something I craved but rarely indulged in. We found a relaxed schedule that included spending as much time together as we could whenever one of our roommates were planning to be out of the way for a few hours at a time. Mondays and Wednesdays, Chris had a two-hour late class. Harley and I filled every second of that time with endless sex and talking. It was strange. Although we’d always been best friends, I felt like I knew him more now than ever before

  Tate was more random, but he’d take off for hours at a time, and if Harley expressed a need for private time, Tate always respected his request and called before he planned to return home.

  On those days, we used Harley’s room.

  Things were great. I suspected the energy and good vibes were also helping Harley focus more on school. Vanya had brought it up when I’d run into her on campus. She was stunned that he’d been going to class regularly, and she’d caught him studying a few times in the food court.

  But, like I’d predicted, the good thing we had was doomed from the start. Or maybe it was a sign that it was time to stop fucking around and grow up. Whatever the case, something happened that threw a wrench into the good thing that had developed between us.

  It was a Saturday afternoon. We’d been at Harley’s dorm all day. I’d spent the night since Tate had gone home for the weekend. We were lost in our bubble of privacy and didn’t expect anyone to show up. At least when the knock came, we were dressed and lounging around, watching a movie.

  I glanced at my brother, brow furrowed. “You expecting someone?”

  “No.” Using the remote, he hit pause and rolled off the bed.

  It wasn’t suspicious for me to hang out with my brother—although the thick scent of sex lingered in the air, and his blankets were rumpled. Our debauchery would be evident if anyone cared to look close enough. But why would they? We were brothers.

  Harley wrenched open the door, and some skinny, dark-haired girl stood on the other side. She was pale. Tension marked her face, and she worried her lip.

  “What the hell, Shianne? Seriously? What are you doing here?”

  So this was Shianne. Harley had told me about her weeks ago. As far as I understood, she wasn’t in the picture and hadn’t been able to take a hint.

  “We need to talk, and I knew if I called, you wouldn’t answer.”

  “Because I don’t want to talk to you.”

  “Well, that was fine and dandy a few weeks ago. Whatever, I got over it. You can’t blow me off this time. It’s important. Let me in.”

  “No. Get lost.”

  She didn’t listen and shoved her way past Harley, entering the room. She startled when she found me there on his bed. “Oh. Hi. I didn’t know you were here.”

  “Hey.” I waved. “I’m Denver, Harley’s brother.”

  “Oh.”

  “You can’t barge in here. For fuck’s sake. Like I told you before, we aren’t dating, okay? We aren’t anything. We slept together one time. It didn’t mean squat. I’m sorry you got the wrong idea, but that’s not my fault. I was clear. I know I was.”

  My brother was not always clear. He would do anything to get into someone’s pants, including lying. This woman had likely been misled, but I wasn’t about to interject my opinion where it didn’t belong.

  Shianne let Harley vent. She didn’t cut in or protest or tell him he was wrong. She just let him talk until he ran out of air and stood with his hands on his hips, seething at her invasion.

  “Close the door,” Shianne said with all the calmness in the world.

  “Why?”

  She shrugged. “Please. You might want privacy.”

  Harley slammed it. “What. Do. You. Want?”

  She looked him straight in the eyes, chin high, and said the last thing I expected.

  “I’m pregnant.”

  Given the expression on his face, it was the last thing Harley had expected too. He stood frozen, barely blinking, his jaw unhinged. He didn’t move or speak or react in any way. It was like the news had broken his ability to think straight or register anything at all.

  “Harley, did you hear me?”

  Nothing. No response. I shifted my gaze between my brother and Shianne, unsure what to do.

  “Are you sure?” I cut in when my brother didn’t answer. I realized too late it was a stupid question. Shianne wouldn’t be standing there, facing off with Harley, if she wasn’t sure.

  I deserved the sneer she aimed in my direction.

  “Aren’t you going to say something?”

  No response.

  “And before you tell me it’s not yours, it is. You’re the only person I’ve slept with since school started this year. Contrary to what you think, I’m not some slut like you, and PS, you did make it sound like you wanted more. You hurt me when you ignored me, Harley. Now I’m pregnant, and I don’t know what to do because this baby’s father is an asshole, but I felt he deserved to know.”

  The shock had rendered my brother numb.

  I jumped off the bed and touched his shoulder, but he was unresponsive.

  “Maybe you can come back later after you give him some time to absorb the news,” I suggested.

  Shianne crossed her arms. “Fine, but I won’t be put off like before.” She looked at Harley, who had stopped blinking altogether. “I’m not getting an abortion. I don’t believe in it. Just don’t shut me out, okay. Call me when you’re ready to talk.”

  She left without argument, and I guided Harley to sit on the bed. His whole body was stiff and unyielding.

  “Hey. Talk to me.”

  He came back to life with a shuttering gasp. “Did… did that just happen?”

  “Yes. Didn’t you use a condom? What the hell? How is she pregnant?”

  “I hate condoms. I use them with you because I knew you’d freak out otherwise, and I didn’t want to rock the boat. She told me she was on the pill, so I didn’t bother.”

  “What are you going to do?”

  He dropped his face into his hands and leaned over. “I don’t know. Shit.”

  The bomb Shianne had drop rippled through the two of us as we sat there in silence for the following hour. I rubbed Harley’s back, but he refused to uncover his face. I got the sense he was doing all he could to ensure he didn’t fall apart.

  In no universe would I ever tell him that it was his own fault because he’d made the choice to sleep with her without a condom. Maybe she was on the pill like she’d said, but you couldn’t trust a stranger’s word with something that serious. But that was Harley, a reckless risk-taker. It was only a matter of time before it bit him in the ass.

  Harley knew he’d made a mistake, and rubbing it in wouldn’t do him any good. He needed support and reassurance. If I knew how to guide or direct him through this, I would have done all I could, but I was just as lost as he was.

  Tate wasn’t going to be back until the following day, so I encouraged Harley to lie down with me, and I held him for all it was worth.

  “No matter what, I’ve got your back. I promise.”

  He clung to me, and when he couldn’t hold himself together any longer, he buried his face in my neck and cried.

  That evening, Harley told me he needed space and sent me back to my dorm. It was
agony. I knew he was struggling, and I hated that he was doing it alone. All it had taken was two simple words to turn my brother’s carefree life on its head.

  Chapter Seven

  Harley

  My head was busy over the following week. It was filled with voices from my past. It was my dad’s stern reminder saying, One of these days, this reckless behavior is going to come back and bite you in the ass. It was my teachers’ constant warnings that, If you don’t take responsibility for your future, you’ll regret it. I couldn’t concentrate in class, and it felt like I was moving through a dream everywhere I went.

  I was numb, going through the motions. Food was tasteless. Everything was out of focus. The act of getting out of bed drained me. I didn’t know what to do or where to turn.

  I hadn’t even been able to call or see Denver. There would be judgment in his eyes, and I couldn’t take it. How could this have happened? Just when I’d found something good and worth having in life, the carpet got ripped out from under me.

  I skipped out on my economics class and sat alone in the food court with a coffee that had turned cold hours ago. I stared at the sea of students coming and going, unable to fully register my existence beyond this thick, sludgy haze that had surrounded me since Shianne had shared her news.

  Pregnant.

  She had my kid growing inside her.

  My kid.

  I was going to be a dad?

  I was the last person on earth who should be given that privilege. For once, I agreed with my father; I wasn’t old enough or responsible enough to be an adult.

  I’d fucked up.

  My twin sister appeared out of nowhere and dropped into the seat across from me. A deep frown marred her face as she studied me with knowing eyes. “What’s wrong?”

  I could have lied, but this was Vanya. She read my thoughts half the time and knew what I was thinking before I did.

  “I fucked up,” I mumbled, stuck in a daze, unable to focus on anything but middle space.

  She didn’t speak for a minute, but it was like I could feel her twin brain-link fingers digging through my head, gathering all the juicy details I was hiding. “Did you get expelled?”

  I shook my head. It weighed a hundred pounds or more. The action required effort.

  Another beat passed before Vanya leaned back, crossing her arms over her chest. “You got a girl pregnant.”

  My vision cleared, and I stared back into eyes that were a close match to my own. “How do you do that?”

  “You’re almost catatonic. Not much fazes you. It was either something drastic about school that you knew would land you in shit with Mom and Dad, or it was personal. But if it was personal, it had to be major because most things don’t even register on your fucks-to-give scale. So it was either you got a girl pregnant or you got some STD. So, who is she?”

  I shook my head, retreating to that place of numbness once again. “I barely know her. Met her at a party, fucked her once.”

  Vanya whistled. “Shitty. What are you going to do?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know. She’s keeping it.”

  We sat for a long time without talking. Vanya knew me well enough that her silent support was far more comforting than if she’d offered me an endless string of advice.

  In the end, she left me with a long, squeezing hug, whispering in my ear, “I love you.” She kissed my temple and was gone. We both knew her unspoken words told me to call if I needed her.

  We might be opposites, but we were close.

  This time, however, I didn’t need Vanya. I needed Denver. I’d abandoned him a week ago. He was giving me space to process all this, but I knew him well enough that if I didn’t touch base soon, he’d turn himself inside out with worry.

  That evening, I found myself at his dorm room. It was a night Chris was in class, so I knew Denver would be home studying.

  I knocked gently on the door and waited with my hands shoved deep inside my pockets.

  When he opened it, no words passed between us. I fell into his arms with relief. He locked the door, and we ended up in bed. It was strange. I’d never had sex where the main goal wasn’t to get off.

  That time, with Denver, it was more. It was reassurance. It was comfort. It was soothing.

  It also tasted an awful lot like goodbye.

  Long after we finished, we lay in each other’s arms. Denver stroked his fingers through my hair. It was a gesture that would have ordinarily annoyed me. This time, it felt good.

  “I’m going to be a dad,” I whispered. It was the first time I’d said it out loud.

  “I know.”

  “I’m scared.”

  He held me tighter. “I know.”

  “I’m not made for this. I’m gonna fuck it up.”

  “No, you won’t. Have you talked to Shianne?”

  “Not yet. I wanted to talk to you first.”

  Denver remained quiet, waiting for the proverbial bomb to drop. He sensed it. We both did.

  “Even though I know I’m gonna suck at it, I want to know my kid. I wanna be part of his or her life, you know?”

  Denver nodded, his fingers trembling as they kept up their assault on my hair.

  “I’m gonna tell Shianne I’ll do my best. I’ll… I’ll get a job. I’ll stop being a fuckup and make sure I get a degree.” My voice quivered, but I cleared my throat and kept going. “If she wants, I’ll try to be there as much as I can.”

  “What if she wants you to be together?”

  I’d thought about that too. Endlessly.

  It seemed only fair to the kid to make an effort.

  But then there was Denver.

  “This doesn’t need to stop,” I breathed, kissing his chest and lifting my head to look at him.

  Denver’s eyes were glassy, and his jaw tightened like he was reining in his control. “Yeah, it does.”

  I shook my head, frantic to get my point across. “No. Look, we can still—”

  Denver took my face in his hands. “No. Think about it. This, what we’re doing, it can’t be anything. We knew that from the start. It was fun, but now… now it’s over.”

  “She wouldn’t have to know. I could make an effort with her for the baby’s sake, but we could—”

  Denver touched my lips, shutting me up. “No. It’s not fair to her or to me, and you know it.”

  I pushed his hand away. “Then fuck her. I can’t give you up.”

  “Harley, you’re gonna be a dad. It’s time to grow up and do the right thing. This”—he waved a finger between us—“isn’t the right thing. You’ll never lose me. I promise. We’re brothers. We’re tight. I will always be there for you. I will help you, and I will love you from now until forever. You can always lean on me, but this part has to end.”

  My insides felt like the aftermath of a colossal explosion. Everything was in pieces. The grief and loneliness and sadness were so thick they had substance. Even if I hadn’t made up my mind, Denver had made up his. He knew I would struggle with this if he gave any hint of objection, so he cut the strings and made my choice easier.

  And part of me hated him for it.

  With a choked-off sob, I kissed him hard and deep. He didn’t reject me. His strong, brotherly, protective arms encircled me, and he kissed me back.

  We’d always have this. And the memories of these past few weeks would have to sustain me for the rest of my life.

  Epilogue

  Denver

  Present Day

  “Where do you think we would be if she hadn’t gotten pregnant?” Harley asked after a long silence. “Would it have lasted? You and me?”

  “Probably not. We were kids. It was glorious, don’t get me wrong. I’m not sure I’ve forgotten a single thing about it in twenty years. But you’d have tired of me eventually.”

  Another long beat of silence. “Not likely. You were special, Den.”

  The shower shut off down the hall, and I knew it was only a matter of time before Edison came and found me again.
I knew he wasn’t going to give up that easily. How was I going to deflect his advances when the mere sight of him stirred all the feelings I’d buried to the surface? Edison wasn’t Harley, but they were so alike in many ways it made Edison hard to resist.

  I loved his smart mouth and his thin frame. I loved the way he knew what he wanted and would stop at nothing to get it. He was feisty and confident, carefree and reckless—like his father—and it loosened a twenty-year-old knot in my chest. Harley had been the only person who’d been able to help me relax and have fun. I missed those days. I’d yearned for them for twenty years.

  Until Edison had shown up last August.

  We’d crossed lines.

  We’d done things together that we probably shouldn’t have.

  I was his uncle. Once again, the familial boundary had been broken.

  But neither of us had cared at the time.

  Apparently, the past was doomed to repeat itself.

  “Did I lose you?” Harley asked. His voice on the other end of the line was distant and quiet.

  “I’m here.”

  “You know, it’s been over with her for five years, Den. If you wanted it, if you truly missed it like you claim, you could have done something about it. You know I’d have never turned you away.”

  He was right. So why was I resisting now?

  Edison showed up in the doorway, a towel wrapped around his hips and a mischievous smile that rivaled his father’s splayed across his face.

  I couldn’t take my eyes off him. Rivulets of water he hadn’t bothered drying ran down his hairless chest. The treasure trail leading below his towel made my mouth water, remembering what it hid and all we’d explored in August.

  This was never going to work. I was a weak, weak man.

  “You can’t leave him here, Harley.” My voice rasped out of me. Edison knew. He saw the truth on my face. “This is going to end badly.”

  Harley chuckled. “He’s a force to be reckoned with, isn’t he?”

  “Just like his father. Harley, please. I’m begging you. I’m not strong enough to take a stand. You know me.”