Hell Becomes Her (The Midlife Goddess, #3)

by Tee, Marian

  "On one end of the spectrum, Saoirse may suffer from hot flashes and muscle pains, sleeping difficulties, and headaches."

  None of those sounded good, I thought, but they were all bearable at least.

  However...

  "That's the bad end, right?" Please, please say it's so.

  "No."

  Oh, Dr. Ace. You're only supposed to burst a person's bubble, and not shoot at it with a machine gun until there's nothing left.

  "The bad end comes with the possibility of frequent anxiety attacks, such as the one you experienced earlier."

  Shit.

  "Mood swings are also likely, along with sudden heart palpitations, a low attention span—"

  So that's why I was easily distracted...more so than usual.

  "Maybe even memory problems—-"

  Was this really a bad case of menopause, or couldn't he just tell me the truth and say I could be have anything from Alzheimer's to dementia?

  "And lastly..."

  My heartbeat sped up, and as cold sweat broke over my skin, Hadrian started stroking my back, almost as if he could sense my apprehension.

  "You must be ready to experience—-"

  Or maybe...this was already another anxiety attack?

  "A vastly reduced sex drive." Dr. Ace gave me a rather apologetic look, like he knew I would find his last words tremendously upsetting—-

  I started hyperventilating.

  AND HE WAS RIGHT!

  Chapter Three

  Since I've only been "inside" the bookshop once, I still had Narnai-ish enter-the-wardrobe goosebumps popping over my skin as we crossed its threshold. One moment, we were still in the world of humans. Another moment, and we were In Between.

  It meant literally what you think it means: a place that was in between two worlds, and it was beautiful and mystical, an incredibly breathtaking landscape of purple-blue skies and endless sparkling streaks of shooting stars that tiptoed over rugged mountaintops and pirouetted through clouds like celestial ballerinas.

  A narrow, barren road stretched before us, and as we started walking, a thought occurred to me, and I found myself tugging on Hadrian's sleeve.

  "You know how the Catholic Church has its own liturgical calendar?" I asked. "Or how the Chinese also have their own - I mean, they always have their own versions of everything, like their own Facebook, zodiac signs..." I stopped speaking when I saw Hadrian's silver eyes start to gleam. "I'm rambling," I realized with a grimace. "Aren't I?"

  "Just a bit."

  "I'm feeling rather anxious, too. Again."

  "Remember what Aesculapius said," Hadrian said in his usual prosaic manner. "This is only temporary. Let's just learn how to deal with it, one symptom at a time."

  My first instinct was to reject his very reasonable suggestion...just because. But I stopped myself in time, and that was when I realized...

  "That's it," I blurted out.

  Hadrian raised a brow.

  "When I'm having an anxiety attack, I should simply ignore my first instinct."

  "I see."

  "It should be enough to keep me out of the trouble while I wait this out."

  Hadrian seemed to want to say something.

  "What is it?"

  A smile tugged at his lips. "I just remembered how similarly optimistic I was, once upon a time. I used to believe it was possible for you to keep yourself out of trouble—-" I was already making a face at him before he even finished speaking, and Hadrian's slight smile turned into a full-fledged grin.

  "Not funny," I pouted.

  "But it is, love." Hadrian pulled me close, his lips touching my forehead in an affectionate kiss, and just like that I could only think of how lucky I was, having a guy like him in my life. Hashtag mood swings, right?

  We were halfway down the road when I finally remembered what I was planning to ask him, and I quickly dug my heels in. "Hadrian..." I tugged his sleeve again. "Do Greek gods have their own calendars?" I asked hopefully. "Because what if April's Fool's Day didn't actually fall in April for you guys? What if Dr. Ace was just pulling my leg because today happened to be—-"

  "No," he said gently. "We don't have our own calendar, so April's Fool's Day still falls in April."

  "You're absolutely sure of this?"

  "Yes, love." His silver eyes were gleaming with amusement again. "I'm quite sure of this."

  I pouted up at him. "Oh, fine. I just—-" The sound of pounding footsteps reached me, and I spun around, startled and just a bit apprehensive.

  The last time another person showed up while Hadrian and I were about to enter the Underworld, I had ended up on a hospital bed in a two-year coma.

  So yeah, this might make me paranoid, but I didn't care. I looked around us, squinting at every direction, but I couldn't see any other sign of movement. "That's weird. I could've sworn—-"

  Hadrian suddenly covered my mouth.

  Oh.

  The warning look in his eyes said everything.

  He had heard it, too, and the realization turned my body rigid.

  Dazzled as I was by the beauty of the In Between, it had been easy to think of Zeus and his killer thunderbolts as nothing but a distant memory. I should've known better, though. Just like Hadrian said, trouble seemed to find me no matter where I was—-

  There it was again!

  Hadrian swiftly placed me behind him as the footsteps we heard came closer and closer and closer—-

  Too close, I thought, that whoever it was should be visible now.

  I tiptoed to peek over Hadrian's broad shoulders, just in time to see a raven-haired beauty in a lab coat running towards us.

  She saw us at the same time, and a strange mix of emotions crossed over her face—-

  Shock.

  Fear.

  Frustration.

  And then...

  Nothing.

  All of those in a nanosecond, none of it making sense, that when she finally reached us, I had convinced myself menopause had me imagining things.

  "What took you so long?"

  I was stunned and outraged. Who the heck was this witch, talking to Hadrian like he didn't have his girlfriend right next to him?

  When she reached us, I was all ready for a verbal showdown, until I realized...

  Oh.

  Why was she glaring...at me?

  "You two should have been here ages ago!"

  Two as in...Hadrian and me?

  Color me confused all of a sudden, but when I glanced up at Hadrian, he looked more grim than surprised, and when he finally spoke, the cold disapproval in his tone was something I had never heard him use.

  "What are you doing out here, Mira?"

  "Waiting." Annoyingly Beautiful Chick Mira lifted her chin in what seemed like cool defiance.

  "We're supposed to be on lockdown—-"

  "Until Zeus regains his sanity?" she scoffed. "Unlike most people, Iris isn't my only source for news, and it's not like you didn't really expect this. We've known each other for centuries, Hades. Surely you know by now it's never been my style to wait?" She was turning to me as she spoke, and the moment I saw her lip curl up—-

  Huh.

  This girl despised me.

  She was just looking at me now, not saying a word, and even though the mature part of me groaned and begged me to remember (and act) my age...it's not like I was myself right now. I had menopause. It was normal for women with the Big M to be a little bitchy...and so I heard myself gush, "Wow!" I let my eyes go wide. "Did I hear you right? You've known Hadrian for centuries? That's amazing. You look so young, for someone so elderly."

  Hadrian started coughing, and I had a hard time holding my own smile back as Ancient Antagonist went red in the face.

  "Before I completely forget my manners..." My boyfriend had finally decided to run interference, which was a shame, since things had just gotten interesting. "This is Mira, milady. She's a distant cousin of mine. And Mira, this is Saoirse, my soon-to-be wife."

  The woman incli
ned her head in the barest minimum for a bow. "Milady."

  "Milady." I saw her lip curl, and I let my lip curl right back at her even as my mind continued reeling.

  Cousin?

  This stuck-up señorita was his distant cousin?

  Did that mean they could marry if they wanted to?

  I was dying to ask Hadrian this, but he was already talking to Mira. "I trust you have a valid reason for defying my orders?" His tone was exceptionally mild, but this made him sound more terrifying somehow, and I could see by the way Mira slightly paled she was similarly affected.

  "I didn't mean to defy your orders, Hades." Her voice, no longer cool or defiant, was now quiet and humble. "I only didn't want to waste a single second. I need a sample of milady's blood—-"

  My brows shot up. Oooookay. If she was planning to curse me, at least she was being up front about it. Props for that at least.

  "I know everyone on the surface is scrambling to find a cure," Mira continued, "but I believe we should work on an alternative. We know for a fact that Zeus had bespelled his thunderbolts to target anyone who's living. Humans. Witches. Supernaturals. Anyone who breathes is a target while ghosts..."

  Oh.

  I could see where she was leading, and I was intrigued and cautiously hopeful.

  "Naturally, its effect would only be temporary. Milady's blood is one of a kind, and I believe there's a way we can create something with it that would make Zeus's thunderbolts stop targeting us—-"

  "Like an insect repellent?" I guessed.

  "I was thinking more along the lines of cloaking agent," Mira said politely, "but yes, I believe that's more appropriate, milady."

  And just like that we were archenemies again, and even worse this time was how Hadrian had started coughing...at my expense. I knew I more or less asked for that one, but he didn't have to find it amusing, too.

  Whatever.

  I turned to Mira, determined to take the higher road as LOTUS. "How do I give you—-"

  She grabbed my hand, and before I knew what was happening, Mira had already used her nail - oh my God, she used her nail!!! - to prick my finger and catch several drops of my blood in a vial.

  Chapter Four

  The last time I was about to step foot into the Underworld, a scroll-bearing messenger had appeared out of nowhere and told us that the Olympian High Court deemed my ascension to the throne as unlawful.

  And at first, I had thought they were against me because we weren't married yet.

  Or that I was Catholic while Hadrian was...Greek.

  But long story short, it was none of those.

  As things turned out, only a woman with living flesh could apparently become Hadrian's queen, and since I was a ghost at that time...

  Anyway.

  Stuff happened, and I was now recognized by everyone as the new LOTUS, and oh man...

  Orange was so totally the new black, and Underworld the new Paradise!

  The memory of Mira's rather barbaric approach to blood extraction was all but forgotten as we finally reached the top of the hill, and I could behold the entire realm in all of its glory. Under mesmerizing (and slightly terrifying, if I were being honest) skies of floating molten lava, there were grassy meadows, cliffs crowned with wildflowers, and farther back was a foggy region that I couldn't see past.

  I was mesmerized and enchanted, and Hadrian's lips curved in a smile. "I'm glad you like the look of it."

  "What's that?" I gestured to the thick fog that seemed to swallow the far end of his realm.

  "Beyond it is Tartarus."

  "Oh." That was not a nice place, let's put it at that. "Um..." I pointed to the skies. "How does that work?"

  "Humans call it the core of the earth," Hadrian murmured. "The truth's a little bit more complicated than that, but it should give you an idea of how far below we are."

  I almost made a face. Menopause, I nearly reminded him. Menopause made me prone to anxiety attacks 24/7, and those words of his just made me feel rather claustrophobic.

  "The skies never change color," Hadrian was now telling me, "and it's never cold here either."

  "More like room temp," I realized with surprise, now that he mentioned it.

  "But only because you have the right to be here. Anyone else would've been burned to a crisp."

  "Stop scaring me," I grumbled, "and just let me enjoy the view."

  Hadrian only smiled, but this time he did leave me in peace as I finally let my gaze drift to the very center, where his majestic manor of a home sprawled complacently like a king overlooking its lands.

  His home had Game of Thrones written all over it, with turrets towering behind the thickest curtain walls, impressively armed battlements, and even its own portcullis, from which a drawbridge arched over...hey.

  As expected, we had the Underworld's great rivers flowing around the manor in an outer circle. Phlegethon was immediately recognizable, with its fiery orange waters bubbling hot, and then there were the crystal clear, memory-wiping waters of Lethe, purple-colored Cocytus, blue-colored Acheron and the vile, black waters of Styx.

  All five rivers had its waters streaming inwards into a rainbow-colored pool that went around the manor like a moat and running all the way down to the rest of the Underworld. If you've ever seen someone melt multi-colored wax beads together, then that was how this rainbow pool exactly looked - oranges, purples, blues, blacks, and whites swirling against each other but never blending into a single shade.

  I looked up at Hadrian, asking in a stunned voice, "Shouldn't the Underworld just have five rivers?"

  Silver eyes gleamed down at me. "Congratulations, milady. You have just discovered one of our realm's best-kept secrets. What you see circling around our home is for our private use, but if you follow it straight down, you'll eventually reach the part that's open to the public."

  Hadrian then took my hand and we resumed walking. It took a while to reach his manor from the back, but the long, somewhat tiring walk (was this another menopausal symptom or did I just need to work out more?) was worth it.

  The rainbow-colored pool sparkled before me, and I couldn't help but sigh at just how exquisite it looked. I bent down and dipped my fingers into the water. I pulled my hand out, and a delighted giggle escaped me as I watched various colors run down my fingers.

  Rising to my feet, I told Hadrian teasingly, "You should've told me to bring more bikinis."

  "No need. Amazon delivers to the Underworld," Hadrian deadpanned.

  "But since you didn't..." I reached for the hem of my dress.

  Hadrian's gaze narrowed. "Saoirse..."

  My dress was already on the sand, along with my bra.

  "Dammit, Saoirse—-"

  And now I was naked.

  "Race you to the water!"

  But of course it wasn't a race at all. I was only waist-deep when I heard a powerful splash behind me, and the next thing I knew a naked Hadrian was already spinning me around to face him.

  I locked my legs around his waist underwater and laughed upon seeing the chagrined look on his gorgeous face.

  "At least give me a warning first," Hadrian said gruffly, "so I can make sure no one else sees you naked."

  "So possessive," I teased. "You're lucky I think it's rather hot—-" I didn't get to say anything else, with Hadrian already kissing me.

  Oh God.

  My eyelids drifted close as his tongue pushed inside of my mouth and my tongue stroked inside of his. His erection began to throb against my belly, and I could only whimper as he finally slid inside of me. I felt full and aching all at once, and I bit his shoulder as he began to move.

  Aaaaah.

  It was so, so good.

  He always felt so good.

  This always felt so good.

  But it wasn't perfect like before, and I found myself fighting back tears of frustration—-

  Please. Please. Please.

  Hadrian's breath had become harsh.

  "Saoirse..."

  And then
he was coming...all on his own.

  HADRIAN CARRIED ME out of the water and gently lowered me to my feet when we reached dry land. "Are you okay?" he asked quietly.

  "Yup." So I couldn't make myself come. Big deal. This was only temporary, right?

  I tried to convince myself of this, but the moment I turned away and started dressing myself, tears rushed down my cheeks—-

  Hadrian wrapped his arms around me from behind, and I found myself crying harder.

  "I'm s-sorry," I choked out. "I know I'm b-being silly."

  Hadrian turned me around to face him. "You seemed to have forgotten that all of this is happening because you fell in love with me." His voice was wonderfully calm and practical, and I so needed to hear him speak just like that. But more than anything else, the words itself were magic—-

  A hiccup escaped me, and Hadrian's lips twitched.

  "I just hate being like this," I muttered.

  "It is the same for me, milady. If there was a way for me to bear this for you—-"

  I shot him a horrified look. "Don't even think about it." Since magic existed in his world, I was pretty sure there was a way for us to swap places and all, but the price for such a spell probably wasn't worth it. I'd rather do as Dr. Ace recommended and let nature take its course.

  Hadrian tipped my chin up. "Just promise me one thing. Don't try to hide anything from me. Don't pretend. If you're feeling silly, then be silly with me. If you want to pick a fight with me, go ahead. I just don't want you to ever feel or think you're alone in this. Because you're not."

  I was crying again by the time he finished speaking. "You've been lying to me from the start, haven't you?" I sobbed out in accusation. "You can't possibly be the Lord of the Underworld! Not when you're so good at smooth-talking women like that!"

  Hadrian started grinning, but I didn't give a damn. I knew the world's worst menopause was making me ramble like an idiot, but I didn't give a damn either.

  "You're really Eros in disguise, aren't you?"

  Hadrian threw his head back with a laugh.

  "Admit it! Or maybe you're a womanizer like Zeus—-"

  "Excuse me."

  I stopped talking the moment I saw Mira standing at the foot of the steps leading up to the castle. She looked out of breath, her hair was a complete mess, and she had smudges of soot on her face.