by Ella Miles
Another icicle falls from my heart. At this rate I’ll be telling him I love him by the end of the night.
But then I remember the precious cargo I’m carrying in my stomach. The baby who deserves better than what Enzo or I can give him or her.
I can never love Enzo. It would risk my child’s life. Possibly our child, if it's not Milo’s. If Enzo knew the truth, he wouldn’t want me to fall in love with him either. I’m doing the right thing for both of us.
But tonight, I’m being selfish. Before I leave Enzo forever to protect my, maybe our, child, I need to heal. I need to feel like a woman again. And Enzo is the only way.
It will just be one night. Enzo can’t tell I’m pregnant yet. I’m not showing, but my time is running out. I need to get the hell away from this world as soon as Enzo wins this final game. And I have to make sure my child is hidden, even if it means giving him or her up.
“Are you sure?” Enzo asks.
No, I’m not fucking sure. Am I strong enough to fuck Enzo and not fall in love with him again? I don’t know. But I can’t live my entire life being this broken. Enzo has healed me before; maybe he can do it again.
“Yes,” I breathe, and my entire body says yes.
Enzo’s entire body changes with that one word. He’s no longer terrified. He’s turned on. For the first time in weeks, he allows himself to feel.
I need to prepare myself for what is coming. I need to try to remain calm to keep the nightmares and flashbacks away. But then I look at Enzo, and I know I don’t have to do anything. He will take care of all my needs.
“Thank fuck. You have no idea how badly I need you, Kai.” He walks over to me but doesn’t touch me. He lets the anticipation grow in my stomach.
“I’m taking control now. I know what you need, and I’ll make you come so hard you will be forced to release the pain. But if you need me to stop, tell me and I will. Even if we are in the middle of something. If you start having a nightmare or flashback, you have to tell me. Understood?”
“Yes.”
“Good.”
My shoulders tense as Enzo circles behind me. I close my eyes, trying to block out any negative feelings with my eyelids.
But I know Enzo notices, even though we aren’t as connected as we used to be. He knows everything about my body. He knows when I’m lying and when I’m telling the truth. He knows when I’m hiding a secret from him. One I’m beginning to want to tell him.
My hand instinctively goes to my still flat stomach. It has begun to feel full and tight. Soon there will be no hiding the bump. And that terrifies me.
“Watch them, Kai,” Enzo purrs in a low, seductive voice into my ear.
I open my eyes, watching how the men turn the woman on. Their muscles flex for her. Their tongues dance over her skin, bringing her blood to the surface of her skin, and alerting her nerve endings to impending pleasure. The woman moans, and I feel an ache between my legs from the guttural sound.
“You deserve to be worshipped, beautiful.”
Enzo’s words brush against my neck with his breath, but he doesn’t touch me.
One of the men licks over the woman’s plump breasts, teasing and taunting her nipples to harden for him.
I feel my own nipples pebble, wanting to be licked like that.
The other man spreads the woman’s legs apart. His mouth lowers between her legs, and his tongue licks around her slit, careful not to actually touch her clit. I watch as the woman writhes, arching her back, trying to get the man to lick the sensitive bud. But he won’t. He enjoys tormenting her too much.
She wiggles harder, bucking, moaning, and screaming as the feelings become more and more intense.
“No,” I say.
One of the men holds her arms down, while the other keeps her legs spread on the bed.
No, stop! Don’t hurt her!
I run to the glass and start pounding. They have to stop hurting her! They can’t force her to do anything.
My breathing speeds, and my heart is frantic. I have to get in and help her, like no one came to help me.
“Stop!” I scream. But they either can’t hear me or don’t care. They keep torturing the woman.
Suddenly, the glass goes dark. I can’t see the woman or men anymore.
“No,” I back away from the glass and start looking for a door. I turn and start running for the door we entered through and run smack into Enzo.
He doesn’t say anything, but his arms wrap tightly around me as he holds me in place. I should feel trapped. His biceps are holding me so tightly, but I don’t feel scared, I feel safe in his arms.
I huff loudly in his strong muscles. My panting slowing with each exhale. My heart flutters hard in my chest, but his is slow and steady, so I focus on matching my breathing and heartbeat to his.
“We have to help her,” I whisper, even though as I say it the words no longer make sense to me.
“She’s not in any danger, baby,” Enzo says, his voice calm with an edge of sadness.
He rubs my back gently, his nails scratching my spine as he moves his fingers under my shirt to brush against my skin.
He presses a button on a remote, and the screen changes from black to the scene again. The woman isn’t being held down any more, and I see the look of euphoria on her face as the men kiss and lick her body.
“She wants them, stingray.”
I watch while Enzo holds me in his arms. He’s right; the woman isn’t in any danger. I projected my own fears onto her.
“I’m sorry,” Enzo says into my hair.
“Why?”
“Because this was a bad idea. You aren’t ready yet. And I definitely shouldn’t have arranged for them to fuck in front of you.”
I don’t answer; I just let Enzo comfort me in his arms. And I watch.
Quickly my fear changes to hot panting. My fear and lust are close together. Milo tied them together. I need to rip them apart. I shouldn’t feel fear when I’m turned on.
But right now I don’t feel fear, only excitement. Enzo may think there is no hope after my overreaction, but there is.
“Kiss me,” I say.
Enzo’s body hardens, but not in the good way. He thinks he needs to put up all his walls to prevent myself from losing control with me.
“Stingray, I don’t think—”
“Kiss me,” I say again before I lose my nerve. “You are right; I need this. I need to move past what Milo did. Now kiss me before I go into that room and have one of those men kiss me instead.”
Provoking Enzo into kissing me works. I stumble backward as his lips devour mine. There is nothing hesitant about his kiss, nothing that says he would rather be kissing any other woman. The kiss is carnal and rough. My lips tingle with each touch of his, and when his tongue slips into my mouth, I gasp like I’ve never been kissed like this before.
Enzo’s hand crawls up my spine, pulling my shirt up with his hand. He grabs my neck and pulls me deeper into his passionate kiss. My hands press against his hard chest. My fingers quickly grip onto his shirt and pull him to me.
The kiss does everything to my body. Turns me on. Takes out my fears. Floods me with pleasure. Spreads a fire through my body that burns out all the pain.
The kiss continues on and on. Each of us taking turns exploring each other’s mouths again, like we are two teenagers making out for the first time. But there is nothing new about this. This kiss is like coming home. With every kiss, I remember every previous kiss. I remember how good each and every one felt.
Our first kiss—the spark that exploded.
The kiss when I realized I loved him—how my heart beat for him.
The kiss when I realized he could never love me back—how I fell apart.
The first kiss after Milo—hope that lifted me up.
This kiss envelopes all of those emotions, but takes them all to another level. Because with this kiss Enzo loves me.
Slowly, Enzo stops the kiss. Our foreheads touch, keeping our connection. “I lo
ve you, stingray. There will never be another. I will never kiss another. My heart will never bleed for anyone but you. You are my other half. When Milo hurt you, I knew I would never recover. I knew I had failed. I knew I would never forgive myself.”
I may be fucked up, but Enzo is heartbroken. I feel his warm, salty tears flow from his eyes to my cheeks and then to my tongue as I lick the tears away.
“Milo took the only person I have ever cared about. I was stupid for not realizing I love you sooner. Maybe if I did, things would be different now. Maybe I wouldn’t have lost you. Maybe instead of trying to heal you, I would be getting down on one knee right now with a ring worth a small country and proposing. Instead, I will spend the rest of my life suffering.”
I grab both of his cheeks and kiss them, I’ve never wanted to take away his pain so badly. But I won’t. I can’t take his suffering away, all it would end up doing is putting new pain on him. If I told him about the baby, he’d assume it was Milo’s and be even more upset that he let it happen.
And even if tell him the truth, I still can’t love him.
“You can still heal us both,” I say with hope in my eyes.
He sucks in a breath, knowing exactly what I want. He wants it too, although I can tell he feels selfish for wanting me. He doesn’t think he deserves to get to have me even for a night.
He takes my hand gently and kisses it again as he’s done dozens of times tonight. A jolt zooms through my body at the kiss. He feels it too. It’s in his hungry eyes.
“Don’t be gentle. Be the rough, dangerous man I fell in love with. Don’t change for me. I can’t give you hope that I will ever love you again. But don’t try to be someone you are not to gain me back. The old me loved how brave, fearless, and naughty you are. I would never fall for a man who was gentle and tiptoed around my feelings. I want the fierce leader who takes control of everything and pushes me to fight back.”
With each word, I see the Enzo I used to love returning. Almost like what would happen if the prince turned back into the beast. The thirst in his eyes return as his eyes darken. The claws seem to return to his hands. His throat thickens as a low warning growl consumes the room. And his mouth tightens ready to devour me.
My heart skips a beat.
Shit. What was that? It’s just lust. I can’t have anything deeper than that for him.
“I don’t know how to give you anything less than everything, baby.”
He grabs my hips and lifts me up as his mouth attacks mine again. All panic leaves as I get lost in his kiss. Being with Enzo leaves no room in my heart except for being with him.
He possesses everything when he kisses me—my body, my mind, even my heart. I might try to claim my heart back when we are finished, but for now, it’s his.
We fall down on the fluffiest bed I’ve ever laid on, but it doesn’t stop the pressure of Enzo’s body from connecting with mine. I’ll be bruised in the morning, but right now, I want to feel instead of walking on eggshells.
His hands sneak under my shirt and run over my bare belly as he kisses my neck. I can’t focus. I can’t think. My toes curl, and my back arches.
I love having his hands over my belly. And for a moment I let myself imagine the baby is his. That he knows the truth. That we can give up this world, get normal jobs, and go live in a cottage in the woods somewhere.
A tear rolls down my cheek. That will never happen. And I know the baby isn’t Enzo’s. Nothing good ever happens in my life. My life goes from bad to worse. I’m sure the baby is Milo’s.
“Baby? What’s wrong?” Enzo says, lazily rubbing his hand over my stomach.
This is all I’ll ever get. Enzo doesn’t get to be the father, even the stand-in father. He doesn’t get to go with me to doctor appointments. He doesn’t get to watch my stomach grow, my feet swell, and my boobs ache. He doesn’t get to be there for the birth. He doesn’t get to help me make the decisions about how to raise our child. He doesn’t get to be there. Because even though Enzo may be the only man I could ever love, he’s also the man who has brought too much danger into my life.
So this is all my child will ever get from the only father my child could ever know. His palm pressed against my stomach. Enzo showing me how much he loves me even though I can never show it back—this is it.
“Nothing is wrong; this is perfect.”
I wipe my tears and Enzo returns to his hungry kisses, hesitantly at first, but then he slowly realizes I’m fine.
My shirt comes off. Then his.
My boxers inch down my hips, but other than kissing my lips and neck, Enzo hasn’t moved any further south.
I watch as he reaches into the drawer next to the bed where the vibrators are and grabs one.
“I want you,” I say, sternly.
He grins, like I just made his entire year with my words. “I know, baby. And you will have me. Every part of me you want is yours. But first, I want you to feel so good there is no possibility of the nightmares coming when I touch you.”
He clicks the vibrator on. A low buzzing comes from it, and he touches it to my nipple. My bud immediately rises and aches beneath the dull buzz.
“Holy fu—” I throw my head back at the intense pleasure.
He grins against my lips as he moves the vibrator to the other one. “Fuck, you’re so hot, baby.”
“I want—” I can’t finish as he rolls the vibrator down my stomach and between my legs.
I want Enzo. The vibrator is amazing. But it’s not the same as Enzo.
His eyes light with mischievousness as he watches me come unglued from the vibrator. My body is turned on so much as he teases my clit with the vibrator, turning it on then quickly turning it off.
I know I’m soaked. If he held the vibrator on five seconds longer, I would come. But he pushes me just to the edge and then stops.
“I want—”
“What do you want, baby? To come?”
Yes, I want to come. But not like this. Each time he gets me close, I want him more than the vibrator. He knew this is how I would feel. That I would be so turned on I couldn’t think of anything other than him.
“I want—”
The vibrator pulses faster, faster, faster.
“Oh, God!” I moan unable to form words or thoughts or anything other than the jumbled mess falling from my lips.
He pulls the vibrator off my clit just as I’m about to explode.
I sit up until we are eye to eye.
Both of us are panting.
Both of us have energy flowing all around us.
Both of us are hanging on an edge. We can either fall together, or split in two different directions.
“What do you want, baby?” he holds the vibrator between my legs, but he doesn’t let it touch me. He won’t until I tell him what I want. This is my decision in every way. He may know what I want and need, but he won’t give it to me without me begging him at every turn.
“Please,” I pant, unable to say more.
He grabs my chin and pulls my swollen bottom lip into his mouth. He sucks so hard and deliciously. He tastes like everything I’ve been missing—mint, musk, and love.
Fuck the love. Loving him has only ended in both of us hurt.
But with his tongue in my mouth, he makes a good argument for loving him again.
“What do you want, baby?” he asks, again.
“You. Fuck, I want you. Not that damn vibrator.”
He grins, like he just won a prize.
He tosses the vibrator to the floor, and then his head disappears between my thighs. He grips my bare ass, and his scruff brushes against the sensitive spot, before his tongue takes over.
“Oh my god!” I cry when his wet tongue takes control. Why haven’t we been fucking this entire time? How could I ever withhold this intense pleasure from myself? How could I let Milo take this feeling away from me?
The vibrator may have reminded me my body is capable of coming, but Enzo’s tongue alone is reminding me I’m not only capab
le, but I have a need deep inside only he can quench.
“Enzo…I’m going to…fuck!” I come on his tongue and everything changes.
I’ve heard the saying that one moment can change your life. I’ve had those moments. When Enzo decided to let me live instead of kill me like his father ordered. When my father sold me. When Enzo sold me. When Milo raped me. So many moments changed my life.
But this moment squashed every bad thing that has ever happened.
It released all of the oxytocin in my body. All the good feelings I’ve been holding in explode through my body, and I know I’ll never be able to contain those feelings again.
Enzo senses it too, although he may not understand exactly what change has happened.
He slowly lifts himself from between my legs, staring at me intently as his shoulders slowly rise and fall.
He thinks I’m done; I got the orgasm I’ve been so desperate for. And he was more than happy to give me that gift, but he wants more. He doesn’t realize I want more too.
I could end this now, and I wouldn’t end up too hurt. I got what my body needed. I got my freedom back, my body back. But I still don’t have Enzo back.
I could tell him to leave now. I could sleep and nothing would change between us tomorrow. I could keep hating him. But if this is the only night I get, I’m not leaving with any regrets.
“What do you want, baby?” he asks, with so much hope and desperation in his voice. His hand rests on my stomach, and his thumb traces the edge of my belly button.
“I already told you. I want you.”
It takes 0.1 seconds for him to understand the meaning of my words.
And then we collide.
I grab his pants, ripping them down just before his already hard cock enters me.
I’m so slick and wet; our bodies meld easily. This is what has been missing. This is what Milo took, and I’m taking it back.
It’s not love. That’s not what this is. Right?
This is just an intense connection Enzo and I have always shared—that’s all.
But as my legs wrap around his waist, my fingers dig into his back, his cock sinks deeper inside me, his hands tangle in my hair, our eyes lock, and our lips devour, I know this is so much more. I have no control over what we are. I used to think I loved Enzo. Then I hated him. But neither word accurately describes how I feel or what this is.