Pulp - Adventure.20.01.18.Ike Harpers Historical Holiday - W. C. Tuttle (pdf)
Page 2
“Yes,” says I. “It’s all right with me,
“I do, Mike, but I promised not to tell.”
for Sad. If you must you must, but why has
“I ain’t asking, Ike. Any man has a
you got to be unnatural thataway?”
right to his opinions. Magpie’s bull-headed
“Ike,” Sad chaws his chin-strap and
and so is Hassayampa. I ain’t saying that they
becomes melancholy, “Ike, who started the
ain’t got a right to their opinions, Ike. So long Fourth of July?”
as Magpie orates that Piperock is going to do
I dropped my feet off the table and
the originator proud, and Curlew aims to do
yanked out my gun. Sad lit on his feet and
the same, ain’t it O. K. and proper that
backed toward the door with his hands up.
Paradise should hold up their ideals and
“Sad Samuels, did you come here to
aims?”
start something?” I asks.
“What do you wish me to do, Mike?”
“Honest to Gawd, Ike, I never did!
“Me and Judge Steele ain’t friends by
Hassayampa orates that General Custer did,
about six years, Ike. There ain’t another one in sabe?”
the county and I’m asking you as a friend if
“In such a case I’m ashamed of you will try and borrow the judge’s stovepipe Hassayampa,” says I. “Just because the Injuns
hat for me? See your way clear?”
didn’t like Custer it ain’t giving you and
I looks at Mike’s head, which takes a
Hassayampa no right to try and turn the whites
number eight, and then I thinks of about six
against him too.”
and seven-eighths for the judge. Every body is
“Don’t blame me, Ike,” wails Sad. entitled to their own fancies, so Mike sits there
“We can’t all be educated. According to the
while I gets the hat for him.
opinions I’ve heard lately there’s a lot of
“Ask you if you was going to wear it,
difference in histories. Ain’t you got no Ike?” he asks, tickled over it.
opinions on the matter?”
“Nope! Never asked a question,” I
“There’s just one thing I do know,
replies, which was true, ’cause the judge
Sad,” says I, “and that is this: The next wasn’t in his office.
hombre what asks me that question is going to Magpie comes home happy that night.
get knocked so far into the Dark Ages that
He poured beans in his coffee and put sugar in
he’ll be able to get his information first hand.”
his soup. I don’t mind, because I’m feeling
Sad nodded his head and went out. Sad
loco myself.
makes me weary with that we’re all-got-to-go-
“Ike,”
says
he,
puffing on his spoon,
sometime expression on his face.
“what did Washington do after he crossed the
Then cometh Mike Pelly. We Delaware?”
exchanges the peace sign.
“Search me! What did he cross it for,
“Tomorrow is the Fourth,” states Magpie?”
Mike. “Tomorrow morning.”
“That’s the —— of it. Reckon I better
“According to Hood’s Sa’sparilly,” go up to the judge’s office and take another says I.
look at the picture. He must ’a’ had a reason.”
“Yeah,” admits Mike, drumming on
“Yes,” says I. “Maybe there was some
the table with his fingers. “Seems queer how
danged fools from Piperock on his side of the
much ignorance a feller can uncover in this
river and he wanted to get away while the
here cow-country, Ike. Any man with brains
getting was good.”
knows who started the Fourth.”
Magpie comes back after I’m in bed. I
Adventure
6
reckon he thought I was asleep. He gets out in
and asked my pardon. I told him to save his
the middle of the floor, puts one foot on a
breath for running and then we went down to
soap-box, shoves his hand inside his vest like
Buck’s tent, where we bought a demijohn and
something itched him and throws back his
spent the morning welcoming folks to our
head. He keeps rearing back and feeling inside
celebration.
his vest until I gets nervous.
We welcomed a lot of folks that
“Mister Simpkins,” says I, “if you’d
morning. When we ran out of folks we’d
hang your shirt on an ant-hill they’d all leave.
welcome each other.
What’s the idea of the foot-rest?”
He glares at me and I ducks under the
LATER on we had trouble making the turns
blankets. After while I peers out again and
around the tents, being as we tangles plentiful right then I elects him to the highest office in in the guy-ropes. We emerges out of one
the loco lodge. He’s got my old blue overcoat
tangle and are just about to celebrate our
on with both sides pinned back from the narrow escape, when I sort of reaches out and bottom, like two big lapels, and he’s got my
picks a man out of the air. That man sure is
old fedora hat on cross-ways. I peeks out after moving plenty and him and me went into the
a while and sees him shining his boots with
dirt. I set up and put on my hat, and along
stove-polish. I hears him grunt—
came a hunk of lead and took it right off my
“I’ll make ’em up and take notice.”
head.
“All but you,” says I. “You won’t
Then I ducks and somebody steps on
notice much, old trailer, ’cause you’ll be dead.
my head, the same of which drives my nose
Somebody will kill you too dead to skin and
deep into Danceing Prairie. When I gets
I’ll have to sew up the holes in that coat
unearthed I finds Old Testament Tilton setting
before cold weather sets in.”
there with a pair of black eyes and a foolish
Then I went to sleep with a six-gun in
expression on his face. Dirty is walking circles my hand.
on his hands and knees, like a pup preparing
Dirty
Shirt
shows
up at our cabin the
for bed.
next morning just after Magpie left and sets
Old Testament feels of his eyes,
down on the bunk.
squints at me and says:
“Happy Fourth of July, Ike,” says he
“I said to him—‘Judge, we’ll open
by way of greeting. “We’re going down to the
with a prayer,’ and he said— ‘We will not.
celebration?”
We’ll open with a speech from me. I’ve got a
“Maybe you, Dirty—not us.”
whangdoodler of a speech all framed up.’ I
“Aw, be patriotic, Ike.”
says to him— ‘Judge, I takes exceptions——-
“I love my country, Dirty, but she ain’t
’”
going to mean nothing to me after I’m a
Old Testament hauled out a paper and
memory.”
held it in front of me.<
br />
“The glorious Fourth was invented for
“Got a prayer all wrote out, Ike.”
patriotic folks, Ike,” says he. “Foreigners and I picked up my hat and looked her
shepherds are the only ones exempt. I feel it
over. I shoved my finger through the bullet-
my duty to hold argument with you.”
hole in the crown and looks at Old Testament.
“I defy anybody to make me go!” I
“Wonder where the other two went?”
yelps. “I mean it, too.”
says he. “He shot three times.”
Well, when we came in sight of the
“Who?” asked Dirty.
scene of conflict Dirty gave me back my gun
“Ain’t I just got through telling you
Ike Harper’s Historical Holiday 7
that I wanted to open with a prayer and the
We finds the crowd milling around the
judge wanted to open with a speech?” says he
front of a big tent. There ain’t no sign of the indignant-like.
speaker’s stand, so we asks Doughgod Smith
“Neither one of you held openers, about it.
Testament,” says I. “Next time anybody starts
“This is it here,” states Doughgod,
shooting at you, old-timer, you run away. pointing at the big tent. “The platform is built Sabe? The judge ought to be ashamed for inside the tent or the tent is built over the top shooting at a preacher, Dirty.”
of the platform. Danged if I know which is
“Yeah,” agrees Dirty. “Very poor correct!”
shooting. Missed three times. Awful!”
“Private speaking, eh?” grunts Dirty.
We left the old pelican setting there on
“Good idea!”
the ground and pretty soon we bumps into
Just then Magpie mounts a box in front
Hassayampa. Hassayampa has got a gun in his
of the tent and raises his hand in the peace
hand and a tearful countenance. When he sees
sign.
us he wipes the tears away with the muzzle of
“Friends and folks from Paradise and
his gun and weaves up to us.
Curlew,” says he, “we meet today to celebrate
“Goin’ to killum,” says he, quavering-
in a civilized way the——”
like. “Sure’s ——!”
“I takes that first statement to heart,
“Who’s going to bite the dust?” asks
Magpie,” interrupts Hassayampa. “I don’t
Dirty.
mind being unlisted as a friend but I do object
“Knocked ’im down faster’n he can
to being put behind Paradise.”
get up, and then shoot three times at ’im,”
“Paradise is my happy home right
states Hassayampa, wise as a owl. “Ol’ now,” squeaks Scenery Sims. “You snake-Testyment’s frien’ of mine. No brains but
hunters from the great unwashed had better
sholid meat. Soon live as die. Tha’s me.”
not let your hearts enter too much in the
Hassayampa rocks on his heels.
festivities. Sabe? ”
“Goin’ to make speech, eh? Prayer’s
“You trouble-hunters go crawl in a
best. Got a idea, folks. Le’s let Old Testyment hole!” yells Magpie.
make prayer for the judge. Thassa good idea.
“Free country, ain’t she?” asks
Kill two birds with one rock.”
“Telescope” Tolliver of the Cross J. “Ain’t a
Hassayampa smiles through his tears
man got a right to talk?”
and goes hunting for the judge.
“If that’s the way you feels about it,
“Well,” says Dirty, “let’s check off
cut your wolf loose!” yelps Magpie. “I got up
anybody but the judge, ’cause right now here to open this show, which is supposed to Hassayampa couldn’t hit the supreme bench
be a heap carefree and joyous, but any time
of Montana with a shotgun full of bird-shot.”
you fellers opine to take it serious I reckon
Just then Magpie comes parading there’s enough mourners to go around.”
along and I accosts him.
“Aw, let Magpie open her up,” urges
“Just about to open up the show, somebody back in the crowd. “If we don’t like gents,” says he. “Go on up to the speaker’s
it, there’s plenty of daylight left to enable us stand and get a good place. Things are to shoot straight.”
working out better than I thought they would.
The crowd seems to see the wisdom of
Never seen the like.”
the remark, so Magpie says—
“Same here,” says I. “Casualties are
“Friends and folks from Curlew and
too few—so far.”
Paradise ——”
Adventure
8
I heard that gun click and so did way to the front of the platform and scowls up Magpie, ’cause he covers the crowd and looks
at Paradise’s donation. “Where’d my hat come
us over serious-like.
from?”
“Scenery Sims,” says he, “you put that
Mike scratches his head with the
gun back in your holster or I’ll heat the handle of the ax and stares down at the judge.
muzzle and brand you with the double-
“Come from?” he asks. “You mean
doughnut! Sabe? I put Paradise in front of went to, don’t you?”
Curlew the first time.”
Bung! goes Hassayampa’s gun again.
Magpie lowers his gun and faces the
“I wishes to call your attention,”
crowd.
explains Hassayampa belligerent-like. “Do I
“I don’t want no blame for what you’re
have to kill somebody to get noticed?”
going to see, folks. There’s a difference of
Hassayampa’s bullet must have cut the
opinion as to who is to blame for this glorious rope, ’cause the flaps dropped down and saved
date, so in order to keep everlasting peace in
Mike.
the county we lets each and every
“That wasn’t the judge,” states Dirty to
participating city show their patriotism in their Hassayampa.
own way and according to their own beliefs.
“Nobody else wears election hats,”
The sign will tell the tale. Let ’er go!”
mumbles Hassayampa. “I know that hat.”
The flaps of the tent swing open. I
Then Magpie’s head protrudes from
don’t know how she looks to anybody else but
between the flaps, and he yelps at me:
this is as she was viewed by Ike Harper.
“Ike, you take that codfish from
There stands Mike Pelly in the middle
Curlew and stake him to a tree. He’s a trouble-
of the platform. He’s got on Old Testament’s
breeder!”
long black coat which fits him at no place
“Will he?” yells Hassayampa.
except around the bottom, being as Old “Nobody but me to protect the ministry from a Testament is built like a lodge-pole and Mike
bunch of heathen hop-heads, is there? Who’s
is fashioned after the specifications of a going to take me?”
hogshead. On his head balances Judge Steele’s
Hassayampa’s voice wails with rage,
stovepipe hat; in his hands is an ax, while he
and you can’t blame me for not
taking him,
stands all spraddled out over a couple of poles.
can you? I swore to do my duty, but a man has
The sign reads:
got a right to define duty as he sees fit. I
figured I’d be worth a lot more to posterity if I ABRAHAM LINCOLN ACCORDING TO ignored Hassayampa.
PARADISE
HE DONE IT
I DIDN’T care for the statue of Lincoln. Mike
looked about as much like Lincoln as a fish-
Bung!
pole looks like a bucket of water, and deep
A six-gun busts right by my ear, and I
down in my heart I wished that Hassayampa
sees that tall hat hop off Mike’s head and sail hadn’t held so high. Of course Hassayampa
back into the tent.
has to get cocky about it. He yells—
“Punch a preacher, will you?” whoops
“You bow-legged, star-wearing, grinny
Hassayampa. He’s got a reserved space in the
faced son-of-a-duck, come and get me!”
back of the crowd, and there he stands,
“I don’t want you,” says I. “I ain’t
rocking back and forth on his heels.
collecting antique eggs today. I’m going to get
“Hey!” Old Judge Steele worms his
me a drink.”
Ike Harper’s Historical Holiday 9