by Dirk Hunter
“Holy shit, I wasn’t being serious,” I said without thinking.
James P. Hogan raised an eyebrow, giving me his trademarked amused smirk. “Um, what? I mean, hi, James.” I had to stop myself from adding the “P. Hogan.” I had already made enough of a fool of myself, and he had only been here for less than a minute. “What’s up?”
“I bring the gift of knowledge.” His eyes twinkled. He pulled a stack of papers out of his bag. “By which I mean a week’s worth of homework.”
“For me? You shouldn’t have.” James laughed at the sarcasm in my voice. “Um, you wanna come in?”
“Sure,” he said, stepping inside. He gestured at me with the papers.
“The English work is pretty self-explanatory. Mr. Cortez is on another one of his SAT-prep binges, so it’s mostly analogies. The math looks like it’s just some simple sine/cosine nonsense. I can explain all that if you want. Your bio homework is all drawing molecules. I brought Charlotte’s answers if you wanted to check your work. I assumed choir doesn’t have any homework, but I guess you could sing some scales if you wanted. I never took econ so you’re on your own there.” He dropped the homework on the kitchen table and sat down. “Wait, you got all of my homework?” I asked, sitting across from him.
“We only have English together.”
He shrugged. “Mr. Cortez asked if someone could bring you the homework, and since you and Charlotte have been hanging out so much lately, I knew where you lived, so I volunteered. Figured while I was at it, I could stop at all your other classes.”
“But how did you even know what my classes were?” I had no idea what classes anyone took, except for Melanie and Kai.
Another shrug. “I pay attention.” He looked out the window for a second before casually dropping, “Adam misses you.”
I tried to sound nonchalant. “Oh. I — what?” I wasn’t very successful. “I mean, he said that?”
James P. Hogan looked back at me. “Not in so many words. He’s gotten really withdrawn, ignores everybody, his friends included. A week ago he was so mad all the time that even Coach noticed it. Now, nothing.”
“And you think that’s because of me?”
“Listen, I don’t mean to overstep my bounds or whatever. God knows I’ve never really understood the strange friendship you two have….”
“Friendship? That’s not exactly the word I’d use.”
James P. Hogan raised an eyebrow. “Really? Then what would you use? I have never met any two people who take as much pleasure in ‘fighting’ as you and he, and with such a complete lack of any actual malice. Plus, you two hang out all the time.”
“That was only recently we started hanging out.”
“Still.” I was stunned. Did everyone think Adam and I had been friends this whole time? Or only James P. Hogan? “Look, all I’m saying is I think you should talk to him.”
We lapsed into silence for a minute.
“You really think we’ve been friends this whole time?” I finally asked.
“You really didn’t?”
I shrugged. “I always figured we were worst enemies. I mean, he was always so mean to me.”
“You guys always seemed to enjoy yourselves.”
“Recently, maybe. Sure. But it hasn’t always been that way. In elementary school he was downright cruel. I don’t even know how many times he made me cry.”
James started rifling through the pages of my homework, continuing without looking at me. “You know in elementary school, I used to be really mean to Charlotte. It wasn’t ’cause I hated her. Quite the opposite actually. I would pinch her, cal her names, show her frogs to make her scream….”
“Adam used to shove the frogs down my pants.”
“There you go. He was a little more direct than I was.”
“But that’s different. You had a crush on Charlotte.” James gave me a flat look. A look that said “I think we both know it isn’t so different.”
“Oh. How did you know?”
“Dude. Come on.”
CHAPTER ELEVEN
NIGHT WAS falling, and the breeze off the lake was making me chilly.
November had kind of snuck up on me, and I had foolishly neglected to wear anything warmer than a sweatshirt. After James left, I made my dad drive me out to Adam’s lakeside spot. I’d been there enough times to remember the way. Dad, luckily, hadn’t asked why I suddenly needed to go out into the middle of nowhere, much less be left there alone. I don’t know what I would have told him. That had been hours ago, and Adam still hadn’t shown up. It was beginning to look like I’d have to call and ask Dad to pick me up.
Headlights shone through the trees. I clutched my knees to my chest and kept my eyes on the lake. The car came to a stop, headlights shining right on me. A second later I heard the car start to pull away, stop, pull back in. A minute passed. I fought the urge to look his way. If Adam was going to talk to me, he would. Jumping up and running at the car would probably only scare him away. After what seemed like an eternity, the headlights went out, the car turned off, and I heard the car door open and Adam get out.
I counted the steps Adam took to me. Twenty-three. I still didn’t look his way. Maybe I was afraid he would change his mind, think I was being too insistent or something, get back in his car, and I’d lose my chance to ever make things up to him. Or that this wasn’t even Adam and I was, like, two seconds away from getting murdered. But after those twenty-three steps, he stopped, right beside where I sat. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see his legs. They looked like Adam legs. I decided I probably wasn’t going to be murdered.
Instead I would just have to convince Adam to forgive me. Talking to Mel and James convinced me I had to try. I only wish I had any idea how. So I started simple.
“I’m sorry.”
Waves lapped loudly on the shore of the lake. Once. Twice. Three times. “Yeah,” Adam finally responded.
Okay, so far so good. There was no yelling, no running away. No punches in the jaw, which, I reminded myself, had actually been a possibility. Only now I had no idea where to go. Thousands of things kept popping into my mind, but sitting there, they all seemed merely excuses.
Adam broke the silence. “Would you rather we talked in my car? It’s warmer in there.”
“What?”
“You’re shaking.”
I was, I realized. Funny, how you can be so focused you don’t even notice your own body. “Oh. That’s not ’cause I’m cold. That happens sometimes when I’m afraid. The first time it happened was when I came out to Kai. I was afraid he wouldn’t be my friend anymore.” Adam shuffled his feet at the mention of Kai, and I berated myself for bringing him up now. When Adam spoke, he sounded a little angry.
“Yeah? Well, what do you have to be scared of now?”
I took a deep breath, steeling myself. “Of losing you.”
The shaking stopped, the world fell silent. This had happened the last time too, once I had worked up the courage to say what I was afraid of, the physical manifestation of that fear vanished, and I was left alone in interminable waiting for the nightmare to come true.
Adam sighed. He sat down next to me, put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me against him. My head fell on his shoulder. “I mean, I haven’t completely decided yet, but I don’t think that’s going to happen.”
I giggled. Hey, relief does funny things to people. “So, you forgive me?” “The way I figure it, you were nice to me once when I didn’t deserve it, so now it’s my turn to return the favor.”
“I want you to know that I haven’t spoken to Kai since… you know.”
“That’s stupid. He’s your best friend. Bros before hos… or whatever saying applies in this situation.” He was making an effort to sound lighthearted, but I could hear the strain in his voice, feel the tension in his body. “I needed to make things right with you first.”
“Thanks,” he said. The strain was mostly gone from his voice, but I didn’t feel him relax at all. “How l
ong?”
He didn’t say what, but I knew he was talking about me and Kai fooling around. “A few weeks.”
“But he’s not gay?”
I shook my head. “We were horny, and fooling around was fun.”
“But if he were….”
“If he were gay, we would probably have been in a committed relationship since puberty.”
“So I really am just second best.”
Fuck. I should have been more careful about what I said. “If it makes you feel better, you’re both below James P. Hogan.” Oh shit, seriously?
That was the best I could come up with?
To my surprise, Adam laughed. “Well, that goes without saying. James is by far the hottest guy in school.”
“Right? He’s been number one on my list for years. And you get to see him in the locker room every day! If anyone should be jealous here, it’s me.”
“Well, I never fucked James.”
So much for levity. I fell silent. He was right, after all.
“So, if James is your number one, where do I fall on that list?” Adam said. “Number three. Recently promoted, in fact.”
“I see. And Kai is number two.”
“What? No. Number two has always been Sanjay Patel.”
“That nerdy Indian kid?”
“He had eyes like starlight.”
“He moved away in the eighth grade.”
“And Oak Lake still echoes with the memory of him.”
We laughed. I started to hope maybe the hard part was over. But Adam wasn’t quite finished.
“So where is Malachi on that list?”
I lifted my head to look at Adam. He kept staring forward, not meeting my eyes. “Four.”
“And you said I was recently promoted.”
“Mmhmm.”
“From?”
“Four.”
“Let me guess, that changed when I caught you with Malachi and you decided to settle for me.”
“No. It was when I saw you naked, and then you kissed me. Actually, when you kissed me you shot up to number one. It took a long while for me to come to my senses and put James back in his rightful place.” I expected at least a chuckle on that one, but I didn’t get anything. I spun around until I was sitting face to face with Adam. “You keep saying that I’m settling for you, and I don’t know what to say to make you realize that isn’t true. Yeah, if Kai were gay we’d be dating. What did you expect? That I’d be secretly pining after you? You were my bully, Adam. Sure, the last, like, five years it’s almost been friendly abuse between us, but I only realized I didn’t hate you this year. Imagine how much of a shock it was to find out that you’ve actually had a crush on me for who knows how long —”
“Fifth grade.”
“Did you expect… wait, fifth grade? Really?” He nodded. “Fifth grade was the worst. You made me cry almost every day.”
His face fell. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you cried. I just….”
“Yeah. No, I get it. Scared of your sexuality. I’ve been there. Don’t feel bad, all that’s behind us. I’m sorry I brought it up. I only wanted to point out how through all of that, Kai was there for me and you weren’t.”
His face fell even further, which I hadn’t thought possible. “You’re right. It makes sense you’d choose him over me.”
“No, goddamn it!” I’d had it. Out of frustration, I punched him in the leg. His head snapped up, a look of surprise on his face. “I’m saying that even with all that, I’m choosing you, you fucking idiot! I’m not trying to tell you why you’re second best, I’m trying to tell you why it took me so long to realize….”
“Realize what?”
It was my turn to avoid his gaze. “You know. Feelings and stuff.”
I sneaked a peek. He was smiling at me. So I kept going. “I’ve opened up to you like I haven’t opened up to him. Even in the short time we haven’t been at each other’s throats. When that thing with Kai happened, it was like a dream come true. So much so that I ignored all the problems with it. And there were many. I felt used, Adam. It was almost like a one-night stand, but one that happened over and over. And our friendship suffered because of it. But I ignored it, ’cause I was lonely, and I wanted his dick so bad. But then you came along, made me feel, I don’t know. Safe. And warm. It brought us closer, even at school where everyone could see. That night I wanted to talk to Kai, to tell him about you, what had happened. I didn’t know what to do. I was feeling so many things. But then he was sucking my dick, and it was amazing. I don’t know if maybe some cheerleader’s gone down on you under the bleachers or something — ew, don’t tell me, I don’t want to know — but blow jobs are the best. But then I saw you in the window, and it woke me up to just how wrong everything was, even if it felt amazing. Oh God, you looked so hurt. I felt so terrible. I’m really, really sorry. I should have stopped him, I should have done something, I should have never even started fucking Kai to begin with. I should have….”
Adam reached up and touched my face, stopping me. He wiped tears I didn’t realize I was shedding off my cheeks. He said, “I forgive you. Can you forgive me?”
“For what?”
“For lying to you since the fifth grade. For making you cry. For doing anything except holding you and kissing you.”
“Oh. That.” I sniffed. “I guess. If I have to.”
Adam laughed. “Come on,” he said, standing up. “Let’s get you home.”
“I can’t. Being around you makes me too weak in the knees.” Adam chuckled. The next thing I knew I was being lifted off the ground and carried toward the car. “Ahhh! I forgot you had muscles.” I wrapped my arms around his neck. “That’s a lie. I could never forget.”
Once we got in the car, however, my confidence evaporated. When he started driving, Adam grew silent. Almost distant. I mean, this wasn’t entirely new, driving in the car with him in the past had usually been quiet.
But back then we hadn’t just made up after weeks of tension. I began to worry that, given a few minutes of silent contemplation, Adam was going to rethink forgiving me. I guess a part of me was being fatalistic, like it couldn’t believe the apparent happy ending that seemed to be unfolding here. Something had to go wrong, like immediately, right?
I studied his face, trying to see if there was some sign of, I don’t know, turmoil or something beneath the surface. But he seemed kind of blank. He didn’t appear at all upset, but he didn’t exactly seem happy either. Adam must have noticed my scrutiny, ’cause he looked my way. I quickly looked out the window, feeling my face blush. Real smooth, there, Dylan. If Adam thought I was being weird, he didn’t say anything.
Oh God, why isn’t he saying anything? Maybe he likes driving in silence? Maybe he’s waiting for me to say something first? I racked my brain for something to say to break the silence, but I couldn’t think of anything that didn’t scream “I’m insecure. Please reassure me!” The crippling quiet stretched on.
It didn’t help that the ride back to my house wasn’t a short one. By the time we made it there, I was practically quivering with worry. He pulled up in front of my driveway.
Well, this was my chance. “Do you want to come in?” I sounded totally nonchalant. Not insecure at all.
“I can’t.” Adam said, without turning his head. “I have school tomorrow.”
“Oh,” I said, fighting to keep the disappointment out of my voice.
“That’s cool!” Oh God, I was being way too cheery. Overcompensating. I need to play it cool. “Then I’ll see you whenever. I guess.” I got out of the car, feeling several different kinds of awkward. “Um. Bye.” I quickly shut the door and hurried up the driveway.
I heard Adam’s car door opening behind me. “Wait,” Adam called. I turned around but kept my eyes firmly fixed on the ground in front of me. Adam jogged to catch up to me. “I, um,” he mumbled. I watched his feet fidget. “I wanted to, uh….” Suddenly he grabbed my head with both hands, lifted my face, and kissed me.
&n
bsp; Several minutes later, Adam pulled away. “Do that,” he finished. He started walking backward toward his car. “I’ll stop by tomorrow. I mean, if that’s cool? I don’t want to — I mean, if you have plans or anything….”
He was clearly flustered. It was cute. His butt bumped into the car, and he jumped in surprise, then laughed sheepishly. “Tomorrow. I’ll call.” With that, he got in his car and drove away.
I was grinning like a fool. I had been since he kissed me, but I didn’t care. I hadn’t realized it until that moment, but that kiss was what I had been waiting for. It was the final proof I needed that Adam really had forgiven me. That things were, maybe not back to normal exactly, but at least back on track. I couldn’t help the dopey grin. I watched until his car disappeared around the corner before finally turning and heading inside.
Mom and Dad were still up. As I walked into the living room, Dad looked up from where he was sprawled on the couch, one leg over the armrest. The TV was on, but he was facing away from it.
“Oh,” he said. “Hey.”
Mom was leaning against the wall, paging through an encyclopedia I had never even seen opened in my life. “How was your night?” she asked, without looking up.
The whole scene reeked of staged nonchalance and forced casualness. I was not fooled. “Let me guess. You were both watching through the kitchen window.”
My dad said, “No,” at the same second my mom said, “Oh, totally.”
They exchanged a look and moved into normal human positions. Dad sat up. Mom put the encyclopedia back with the other dust-covered volumes and sat next to him.
“Are you going to tell us who this mystery man is yet?” Mom continued.
“You couldn’t see?” I asked.
“No! It was too dark.”
“Bummer.” I said with a wicked grin. “The suspense must be killing you.” With that, I went to my room, ignoring my parents’ complaints.
CHAPTER TWELVE
THE NEXT morning, Friday, I woke up to a text from an unfamiliar number.