by Becca Steele
“Don’t insult my intelligence. I saw your computer. I saw the login screen and the message alert.”
His eyes pleaded with me to deny what he was saying, to come up with any explanation that would mean he was wrong.
“Okay.” He was making me nervous, looming over the bed. Why did he affect me this way? “Can you sit down?” I figured it was best to go with full honesty. “You’re…you’re making me nervous.”
He frowned but took a seat on the bed, his eyes never leaving mine.
“You’re right,” I said quietly, then spoke the words that I knew would change things irreversibly between us. “I’m Mercury. And I know you’re Nitro.”
The room fell deadly silent.
His jaw worked, his expressive eyes flitting through a whirlwind of emotions, before he closed them.
When he opened his eyes again, my heart fractured as I watched him shut down. It was like the last bit of light in him had been extinguished. His eyes were dead, his expression blank.
“Please explain,” he said tonelessly, and tears filled my eyes.
“West.” I reached for him, my hand shaking.
“No.”
I pulled my hand back as if it was on fire. “I-I’m Mercury, yes. I didn’t know that you were Nitro until…until some of the stuff you asked me to look into proved to me who you were. Everything that was happening with Winter, you know?”
“Why didn’t you say anything?” he asked in the same toneless voice.
“How could I? You know we’re not allowed to compromise our identity.”
A bitter laugh fell from his mouth. “You were already compromised when you found out who I was. You’ve had months to come clean.”
I opened my mouth to speak, but he wasn’t finished. “And you. You were the one who fucked up everything with my family.”
My jaw dropped, and I welcomed the thread of anger that burned through me. “Wait a minute. I sent you that video because I thought you had a right to know the truth about your mum. I hadn’t…I haven’t had it for long, otherwise I would have sent it sooner. You deserved to know. Can’t—”
He held up his hand, stopping me in my tracks. “Another thing you lied to me about. When I asked you if you knew what had happened, you said you’d just found out.”
“I had! Okay, not long before that, but I couldn’t exactly tell you I was Mercury, could I?” Leaning forwards on the bed, I pinned him with a savage look, and he bared his teeth at me.
“Why? Why, Lena? Why did you have to be Mercury?” His voice grew louder. “You were the one person left that I thought hadn’t hid things from me. Do you know how fucking betrayed I feel right now?”
“Because—”
“Why!”
I shoved at his chest, the words ripping from my throat. “Because I’ve been in—I’ve liked you for fucking years!”
“What?”
His face was no longer blank, and confusion filled his eyes.
“Um.” I buried my face in my hands, my anger gone, replaced with embarrassment. This was officially the worst day of my life. “I liked you when we were kids. You know,” I mumbled. “I liked, liked you. You were into computers, so I got into them. And-and I realised I was really good at what I was doing.”
Tentatively, I raised my head. He paced next to the bed, his eyes wild. “I can’t fucking deal with this right now. You—” A frustrated growl tore from his throat. “I don’t even know what that has to do with all this. You tell me you liked me, but you hid who you were from me. I trusted you. As Mercury, there was so much shit we dealt with together. You know more than my brother does about some things. And yet, whenever I saw you in person, you acted like I was irrelevant to you. Like you didn’t—” He broke off, clenching his fists, before he spun to face me. “What the fuck, Lena? That’s fucked up.”
“I was trying to protect myself,” I said lamely, unable to explain. My head was spinning, trying to articulate what I couldn’t put into words. My lip trembled, and I grasped at my bedcovers, trying to ground myself. “I wanted you. I wanted you so much, but I couldn’t…we couldn’t…”
His eyes darkened, all the anger that had built up inside him aimed in my direction. At that moment, I barely even recognised him. This wasn’t the Weston I knew. It was like my secret was the final straw, and now he was lost, irrational and wild, and I was caught in the eye of the storm.
“You wanted me? Really? Is this what you fucking wanted?” He pounced, pinning me beneath his body. Grabbing my hands, he held me down effortlessly, and all of my years of martial arts and self-defence training went out the window at the words he’d used, spoken in that tone, and the way his weight pinned me down.
I. Couldn’t. Breathe.
My entire body froze, paralysed under him. “Get off me! Get off!” My words were strangled, barely making it through my throat, which was closing up. Tears poured down my cheeks unchecked, and he jerked backwards in shock, immediately releasing his grip on my body, putting some much-needed distance between us. The anger immediately disappeared from his eyes, and instead, his wide-eyed, alarmed gaze fixated on me in horror.
“Lena, I would never—”
“No! Please… Please go.” My words were almost incomprehensible through my sobs, as the memories I’d been able to suppress for years flooded back. “Please,” I managed between sobs, and finally, he moved, the door slamming behind him as he left me alone.
I felt like crawling out of my own skin. The only thought on my mind was to get to the beach, my one place of refuge. Somehow, I made it through the house, to the outside lift that moved up and down the cliff face, and descended to the tiny, sheltered beach where my family’s boat was moored at a small wooden jetty.
Collapsing down onto the pebbles, blissfully alone, I leaned back against the rough stone of the cliff and buried my face in my arms. My body shook with anger at myself for my reaction after all this time, my mind battered by a graphic flashback of the trauma I’d thought I’d overcome.
I let myself fall apart.
THIRTEEN
AGE FOURTEEN
I was on top of the world. I’d scored an invite to Niall’s house party, thanks to my skateboarder friend Jax. Niall was one of the hottest boys at Highnam Academy, Alstone High’s rival school. I wasn’t interested in him in that way, but the kids at Highnam Academy were far less stuck-up than the ones at my own school.
The party was everything I hoped for. No adults, plenty of alcohol, and maybe, just maybe, a boy I could practise kissing on. My heart belonged to Weston Cavendish, but I knew he only saw me as Cassius’ little sister. After tonight, though, things would be different. I’d prove to him that I was girlfriend material.
Jax had disappeared off, but I was having a great time dancing and drinking, the alcohol buzzing through my veins, just enough to make me feel comfortable. Over in the corner of the room, I saw a boy with wavy dark brown hair leaning against the wall. Probably about my brother’s age, maybe even a little older, he had on faded jeans and a dark blue T-shirt with some kind of round logo on it in red. When he caught my eye, he smiled and pushed off the wall, heading towards me.
As he approached, I wiped my palms on my leggings, suddenly nervous and second-guessing my decision. Should I save my first kiss for Weston?
It only took me a couple of seconds to make up my mind. He’d kissed plenty of girls, and I needed to wow him.
“I saw you checking me out.” The mystery boy smiled again when he got to me. His whole vibe was unthreatening, and he sort of reminded me of Harry Styles, so I relaxed and called on my sparse acting skills to play it cool.
“I saw you checking me out, actually.”
He laughed at that, taking another step closer. “You’re funny. What’s your name? I haven’t seen you around here before.”
“Imogen. And I’m not from around here.” I borrowed the name of one of my classmates, knowing that even though it was clear he didn’t know who I was, he was likely to be aware of my dad
’s name and might put two and two together.
“Nice to meet you. The name’s Bobby.” Without pausing for breath, he continued. “Now we’ve got the introductions out of the way, why don’t we go somewhere quieter?”
In reply, I inclined my head, and he took my hand, leading me out of the lounge and into the back of the house. He kept going, through the tiny, crowded kitchen, and out of the back door into the outside space. The houses here were all terraced, with tiny, paved yards and gates leading into an alley that ran along the back of all of the houses in the street.
Glancing around the yard, which was mostly full of people talking and smoking, he paused for a minute, then headed in the direction of the gate. Sliding the lock to open it, he eased down the latch.
If I’d been paying more attention to my surroundings rather than focusing on the fact that I was about to kiss a boy for the first time, I might have thought the way he inclined his head at the guy standing in a shadowy corner of the yard was a little strange. Then again, I might not. I couldn’t torture myself with the what-ifs.
Out in the cold, dark alley, he gripped my arm lightly. “Come on, sweetheart. This way.” He tugged me towards the far end of the alley, which was essentially a dead end at that point in time since it led to one of the entrances to a park, and the gates were locked at dusk every day.
“I-I don’t know.” I hesitated, stopping dead.
Behind me, there was the sound of a pebble being kicked.
Dread crawled up my spine.
I turned slowly, as Bobby’s grip on my arm tightened.
A shadowy figure stepped forwards.
What happened next came in flashes. A hand over my mouth. The noises of the party, still loud in the alley, muffling my cries. Calloused, dirty fingernails. An arm around my throat. Falling to the floor, with a body pressing me down, sneering, “Is this what you fucking wanted?” The cold, grimy cobbles beneath me. My futile struggles, followed by numbness.
Dimly, I registered the sound of shouting, and the pressure on my body was suddenly gone.
“Fuck.” The voices sounded close to my ear as I drifted in and out of conscious thought.
Blackness descended, sudden and blissful.
The rest of the night and following day was a blur. I remembered a kind female doctor speaking to me, carefully helping me to lie on my bed back at home, which for some reason smelled of antiseptic, paper crinkling under me as I lay down. My mum, bursting into tears and hugging me tightly to her like she’d never let me go. Scrubbing my body in the shower over and over again until my skin was raw and dotted with pinpricks of blood.
No matter how hard I scrubbed, no matter how raw my skin was, I still felt dirty. Tainted. Unclean.
In the aftermath, I built up a picture. Lying on my bed two days after everything had happened, my mum told me all that she knew as she stroked through my hair with familiar, comforting movements. Every now and then, she’d glance down at my thighs and catch her breath at the finger-shaped bruises there.
There had been two guys. They’d been stopped mid-assault by the arrival of James Granville and his cousin, Tim Hyde. Our families had a bit of a rivalry going on, but at that moment, I’d never been more grateful for them. As they approached, the guys had run away, and although Tim had given chase, he was unable to catch them. James had carried me to his car and driven me home, where my mum had been alone as my dad and Cassius were away on a father/son bonding experience.
Young, scared, and alone, it was a relief to let my mum deal with the burden. Estella Drummond may have been small in stature, but she was a tigress when it came to defending her family.
“Never underestimate a Drummond woman.” On the third day following the assault, she swept into my room, with her version of armour on, aka a tight dress, impossibly high heels, and immaculate hair and makeup, her features set in a severe look. “I know you’ve been adamant about keeping this quiet, so as not to affect our family name, but we’re not letting this go. I’ve spoken to a friend, and these…” She paused, her voice wobbling slightly before she took a deep breath. “These animals won’t be bothering anyone again.”
Relief swept through my entire body, and I began to shake. My mum crossed the room to me and pulled me into her arms as we both cried together.
Afterwards, I begged her not to tell Cassius or my dad. The guilt and shame overwhelmed me, threatening to pull me under. Logically, I knew I had nothing to feel ashamed of.
But I couldn’t make it stop.
FOURTEEN
This was it. I let my tears cleanse my body, allowing myself to finally let go. I had a fucking amazing therapist who had worked through the assault with me, but there had always been something inside me. Something I hadn’t allowed myself to let go of. I’d built a shell, and now the rawness was exposed to the open, it was cathartic.
“Lena?” A small hand touched my arm gently, and I raised my head, blinking my swollen eyes. Winter’s face came into focus.
“What are you doing here?” My voice was a hoarse croak, and I wasn’t even sure if she understood what I was saying.
“West.” She tugged my arm gently. “Come on, let’s get you inside. You’re shivering.”
Huh. I was, and I hadn’t even noticed. As she helped me to my feet, I turned, and the next second I was being enveloped in warm, strong arms.
“Fuck, sis. What’s going on?” My brother kissed the top of my head.
“I don’t want to talk—” I started to say, then realised that actually, that wasn’t true. I did want to talk about it. To finally purge my mind and body of this secret shame that had left me unable and unwilling to develop any kind of meaningful relationship with Weston. “Can we go inside? I’ll tell you then.” My arms slipped around Cassius’ waist, and I felt him sigh.
“Course we can. Come on.”
Curled up on the huge L-shaped sofa in front of the floor-to-ceiling windows, a fluffy blanket wrapped around my shoulders, I sipped the hot chocolate Winter had made for me, while I tried to work out where to begin.
“I only want to talk about this once,” I began. “So please don’t-don’t interrupt me, okay? Because I might not be able to get it all out.” From her position beside me, Winter nodded and squeezed my arm reassuringly. Holding my breath, I flicked my gaze to my brother’s, where he sat across from me on the L of the sofa, his expression unreadable. He also nodded, and I let out my breath in relief. “Okay. Thank you. It happened when I was fourteen, when you and Dad went on that outdoor skills week away…”
As I spoke, relaying what had happened, I felt Winter’s soft gasp next to me, and she inched closer, putting her arm around my shoulders. I allowed my head to lean against her, feeling so tired all of a sudden. So drained. Cassius… His whole body was practically vibrating with tension, his fists and jaw clenched so tightly that I knew he was going to explode the second I stopped speaking.
Leaning forwards, I placed my hand on his knee. “Mum dealt with the guys. I wasn’t—I didn’t want it to damage our reputation, so I didn’t want to go to the police.”
“Fuck that!” He stared at me, breathing hard. “Fucking fuck the reputation. You were attacked, Lena! People need to pay.”
“Would you have really wanted the scandal? Would Dad? To have our name dragged through the courts, to be the focus of gossip, for it to be my word against theirs?” I was crying again now, and I was shocked to see tears in my brother’s eyes, too.
“But—” He cut himself off, burying his face in his hands. When his shoulders shook, I lunged forwards and threw myself at him.
“Cass, please.”
“Fuck, Lena. I just can’t…I want to kill the people that did this to you.”
“Mum sorted it. Believe me, they’re never going to hurt anyone again.”
Raising his head, he stared at me. “Our mum? Estella Drummond? Tiny woman who looks like she wouldn’t hurt a fly?”
A laugh burst out of me unexpectedly, and his lips curved up in response
.
“Yeah. She— She’s friends with, um, someone. Someone who can make things…and people…disappear.”
Winter’s voice came from behind me. “Why do all of you know people with all these connections? It’s not normal.”
I turned to her, smiling. “We’re Drummonds.”
She rolled her eyes but returned my smile.
“Were you targeted because of who you were?” Cassius hugged me closer, swiping my hair away from my face so he could look into my eyes.
“No. It was a random, unprovoked attack. I guess they thought I was an easy target or whatever.” I laughed, although I didn’t find any humour in it. “Too bad for them that I’m a Drummond.”
We were silent for a moment, Winter and Cassius digesting everything I’d told them. My eyes met Winter’s, and I took a deep breath, immediately feeling lighter as I said the words. “You can tell Cade, by the way. And Zayde, too, I guess. I don’t want to talk about it again.”
“West?” She prodded gently, before her face fell. “Although he’s not exactly talking to any of us at the moment.”
“No.” Shaking my head firmly, I looked between them both. “I need to tell him. I owe him an explanation.”
An expression of horror suddenly crossed her face. “Shit. You know what this means, right?” Throwing her head back against the sofa, she let out a huge groan. “I’m going to have to tell Cade that James played the hero again.”
Cassius laughed loudly as the tension in the room dissipated. “This should be good.”
Winter raised a sceptical brow. “It really won’t. You know how much he dislikes James.”
“I think he secretly likes him.”
“Hmm,” she said, clearly unconvinced, before she turned serious again. “I hate that you’ve had to keep this all inside you for so long.”
I shrugged, feeling lighter than I had in a very long time. “Yeah, well. Mum knew, obviously, and I had an amazing therapist who helped me to work through everything. But I didn’t want to talk about it. At first I felt shame—”