by Becca Steele
“You have nothing to feel ashamed of. Those sick fucks are nothing but animals.” Cassius cut me off angrily, and I hugged him again, trying to calm him.
“I know. I know I don’t. I’m just explaining that to begin with I felt guilt, and shame, and Kaylie, that’s my therapist, helped me to work through it all. That’s why I started the martial arts classes, too, so that I could always fight my way out of a situation. Anyway. I thought I’d put it all behind me, until now.”
Winter glanced at Cassius, then studied me intently. “Cass, can you give me a minute with Lena, alone? Please.”
He met her eyes over the top of my head, then nodded, releasing me. “Course. Shout for me when you’re done.”
When we were alone, Winter spoke softly, her eyes never leaving mine.
“Tell me to bugger off if you don’t want to talk about it, but…did something trigger it?”
“West.” His name fell from my lips as a sigh, and she nodded.
“I assumed so. You know, he’s refused to take any of our calls or reply to our messages, yet today he called me, pretty much ordering me to drop everything and come to you. Do you want to talk about what happened?”
Might as well. She already knew the rest of it. “It was something he said. It was the exact same words that—” I swallowed hard.
“I get it.” She squeezed my arm.
“Yeah, and at the time he had me pinned on the bed—” Winter raised a brow at that. “—and it just, I don’t know, triggered the memory, and I panicked. I owe him a huge apology. All of you, in fact.”
“Wait, what? You don’t owe anyone anything. You went through something that no one should have to experience, and no one has any right to tell you how you should or shouldn’t react.”
“No, I’m actually not talking about that.” I took a deep breath. “Cass?” I called out, and he immediately re-entered the room, crossing over to us and taking a seat next to me again. “I have something I need to tell you both.”
Steeling myself, I let the words fall from my mouth.
“I’m Mercury.”
Complete and utter silence.
Then—
“What?”
“Not only that,” I continued before Cassius could say anything else, “I sent Weston the footage from the docks. That’s how he found out about his mum.”
“Oh, fuck.” Winter’s anguished tone cut through the room. “Okay, let me think about this for a minute. Forgetting the whole secret-identity thing, because I don’t think we need to go into that right now, what with everything else that’s happened.”
Cassius sat forwards on the sofa, shooting me a hard look. Or trying to, at least, although his eyes were still soft with concern. “Yeah, I won’t be forgetting that one.”
“Didn’t think so,” I muttered.
“Firstly, it wasn’t your fault, so don’t feel like you should apologise. The docks footage thing. We should’ve told him sooner. I’ve been saying that to Cade for ages, and he…well, I know he’d planned with Arlo to tell West.”
“Too late, now,” I said sadly.
“How did he react when you told him?”
“About as well as you’d expect. One more secret exposed, one more person that’s betrayed him.”
“This is such a mess.” Winter pinched her brow. “Okay, I need to find him. I don’t want him to be alone in this state.” She pulled her phone from the small bag that rested by her feet, tapping at the screen. “He’s got his location turned off. I can’t find him.”
A small smile tugged at my lips. “It’s a good thing you have Mercury here. Give me a few, and I’ll get you his exact location.”
She sat back, looking relieved. “While you do that, I’ll call Cade to pick me up. I’m guessing you want to stay here, Cass?”
She guessed correctly. “Yeah. I think we have some stuff to talk about, don’t we?” My brother looked at me, his eyes full of emotion, and I nodded.
“We do.”
FIFTEEN
Blissfully numb. At last. Eyes closed, I let the room spin as the bottle fell from my grasp. I couldn’t smoke here, but I was well on my way to emptying out the hotel minibar. My phone was off, and the drone of the TV distracted me from my thoughts. I wasn’t stupid enough to think that no one would find me here, but I knew that the hotel’s strict security should at least stop them from getting to my room.
The hotel phone blared loudly, disrupting my peace. Gritting my teeth, I fumbled for the handset, barking out a “What?” into the speaker.
“Excuse me, sir.” The voice at the other end was completely unfazed by my rudeness. “I have a Miss Huntington here at the front desk, asking to speak with you. Would you like me to send her up?”
I froze. “No. Fuck, no. I don’t want to see anyone.”
“Very good, sir. Would you like me to relay a message?”
“No.” With that, I replaced the handset in its cradle with a crash and flopped back on the bed.
My eyes flew open at the click of my door unlocking, and I bolted upright.
“West!” Winter flung herself across the room and onto the bed. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Her voice cracked.
My arms went around her automatically, but I held myself tense, in fight-or-flight mode as I met the eyes of two people over her shoulder. Two people that I definitely wasn’t ready to face yet.
My dad and my brother.
“Get. Out.”
“No.” Caiden folded his arms, staring at me challengingly. “Not until you hear what we have to say.”
I’d seen that look on my brother’s face many times over the years, and because I knew what a stubborn bastard he was, I capitulated with a growl. “Fine. Say what you came here to say, then leave me alone.”
He frowned but didn’t argue with me.
“How did you get in here, anyway?”
My dad was the one to reply. “Did you realise you were in a hotel owned by Credence Pope?”
“Creed let you break into my room? Brilliant.”
“Technically, we didn’t break in. We had a key,” my brother oh-so-fucking-helpfully pointed out.
“Whatever. Just tell me what you wanted to say.”
Winter shuffled off my lap and rearranged herself cross-legged next to me, as my brother perched himself on the side of my bed and my dad took a seat at the desk chair.
“We were wrong not to tell you about your mother sooner.” For the first time since they’d entered the room, my dad’s face fell, and I saw the anguish he was trying to hide. “Caiden and I…we’d planned to tell you sooner, and I’m so sorry that we let you down.” He leaned forwards, clasping his hands and pinning me with a look that was so full of pain and remorse that it stunned me. “I failed you. I thought—” His voice faltered, and he cleared his throat before continuing. “I thought that I was doing the right thing. I only hope that you can forgive me.”
Caiden took over from Dad, his troubled gaze focused on mine. “I’m so fucking sorry, West.”
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner? Why didn’t you tell me when it happened? Do you have any idea of how much guilt and regret I’m feeling right now?”
“Yes, I do know!” His voice was a shout that echoed through the hotel room. “I do know,” he repeated more quietly. “Because I’ve felt that way ever since it happened. I was trying to protect you, so you wouldn’t have to feel the way I did.” A glazed expression took over his face, his voice cracking as he continued. “I found her, you know. She was so still. So cold. So…” He buried his face in his hands, and Winter crawled across the bed and into his lap, holding him as he broke all over again.
Fuck.
Some of my anger lessened right then. Rationally, I could see that they’d done it with good intentions, although it still did nothing to temper the betrayal and guilt that was tying my stomach in knots.
“Whether you did it for the right reasons or not, you still really hurt me.”
“I’m—” Cade starte
d to say, raising his head to meet my gaze.
“Wait. I’m just…look, I can forgive you. Just give me time, okay? I need time. I need…I need to work things through in my own head. I don’t want to say anything that can’t be taken back.”
I’m proud of you, Winter mouthed, and I felt a small smile tugging at my lips. Out of everyone, I knew I’d find her easiest to forgive. She had a heart of gold, and she’d proven her loyalty to us all time and time again.
“I just wanna say one thing.” Caiden glanced at Winter, before he returned his attention to me. “Ever since Winter first found out, she was uncomfortable with keeping this from you. She wanted me to tell you. So, please, blame me, but don’t blame her.” He turned back to her. “I’m so sorry, baby.”
She sniffed, her eyes watery, but gave him a smile. “I forgive you. Your heart was in the right place.”
“I forgive you, Winter.” The words fell from my mouth, unplanned, but I realised I meant them. Staring between my brother and my dad, I shook my head slowly. “You two—give me time.”
My dad nodded. “Whatever you need, West. I don’t want this to derail all the progress we’ve made as a family. But I’ll own my mistakes. God knows, I’ve made enough of them.”
I nodded and leaned back against the headboard. “I’d like to be alone now.” My eyes closed.
The low murmur of Winter and Caiden’s voices sounded, before the door opened and closed softly. I let out a heavy breath.
A throat cleared, and my eyes flew open. Winter stood at the side of the bed, her lip pulled between her teeth and hesitance in her gaze. “I just wanted to say something to you quickly, now the others have gone.”
My curiosity was piqued. “What is it?”
“Lena.”
At her name, my insides twisted again. “I don’t want to speak about her. She—her betrayal hurts the most in a way, because this whole fucking time she’s been hiding behind a false identity.”
“Yeah, she told me about that.” Winter sighed. “But has she, really? Maybe she had her reasons for doing what she did.” Gazing out of the window with a faraway expression, she sighed again, before turning back to me. “Please, just go easy on her, okay? She’s been through some things. It’s not my place to talk about them, and it’s up to her whatever she decides to tell you, but please be careful with her.”
“I don’t know how to feel about all this, and I’m still too angry to be rational,” I admitted.
Stepping closer, she leaned over the bed and kissed my cheek. “I know. Just remember, though—she’s strong; so strong, but there’s a vulnerability to her. All I’m saying is, be careful with her, West.”
“Was…is she okay?” I thought back to how she’d completely frozen under me, all the colour draining from her face, and the debilitating terror in her eyes. Fuck. I wished more than anything that I could take it all back. I never wanted to see that look in her eyes again.
Winter drew back, giving me a sad smile. “She will be.”
We both stared at one another in silence for a moment, before she gave another sigh. “Are you sure you want to be left alone right now?”
“Yeah. I need some time. I’m so tired. Tired of it all.”
“Okay.” She headed towards the door, then paused. “One more thing. No pressure, and you need to deal with everything in your own time, but just think about sending Cass a text, will you? I’ve never seen him this down. He’s not the Cass we know and love, and I just…I know it’s not my place, but think about it, okay?”
The door closed behind her, and I reached for my phone.
Time to face the real world.
Ignoring the notifications that lit up my phone with a frequency I’d never seen before, I navigated straight to my message thread with my best mate.
242 unread messages.
I rolled my eyes, unable to help my smile. Cassius Drummond, dramatic as ever. The smile slipped from my face as I scrolled through his increasingly desperate messages.
Fuck.
How did I respond?
Me: 242 messages, huh?
The three dots showed up immediately, and less than thirty seconds later, I had a reply.
Cass: I was aiming for 250 but I guess I fell short
Cass: Are you ok? I’m so fucking sorry mate
Me: I will be
Cass: Where are you? When are you coming home?
Me: In London in a hotel. Was trying to get away but I guess there was a Cavendish intervention
Cass: Good. Winter said she was coming for you. We’re all worried
Guilt burned through me yet again.
Me: I needed time to think
Cass: I get it. See you tomorrow?
Me: I’m not coming back to the house yet. I need a few days
Cass: *gif of a crying man*
Me: *eyeroll emoji* Don’t guilt trip me
Then, because I really didn’t want to upset him, knowing how he used humour as a defence mechanism sometimes, I sent him another message.
Me: Pool at the Student Union on Weds? 4?
Cass: *grin emoji* Prepare to lose
I sent him the middle finger emoji, and he replied with a gif of a man saying “you’re going down.”
Guess we were on our way back to normality, then. Yeah, we’d have things to discuss, but our friendship was getting back on track.
Next, I opened up my encrypted Kryptos app that allowed me to send and receive messages to Mercury, Xenon, and Promethium, and bypassing Mercury’s traitorous name, hit the notification from Xenon.
Scrolling through the updates, I saw that Xenon’s program had flagged up a load of new updates for Martin Smith, the guy I’d been investigating at Alstone Holdings.
Going through the data would have to wait, though. Fuck thinking about anything else right now. Rolling onto my side, I climbed off the bed and headed for the fridge. I had a minibar to get through.
SIXTEEN
A week. A whole week in which Weston hadn’t been home. Not that I was checking or anything, but I may have been tracking his phone location.
Two days after everything had blown up between us, I made an emergency appointment with my therapist. We rarely met these days, but she was the one person I trusted to be completely impartial and would give me the space and time to pick apart how I was feeling. I’d built myself up to be untouchable, invincible, and in seconds, it had all come crashing down.
The relief I’d felt when she told me that there was nothing abnormal about the way I’d reacted—not that there was a “normal” way that anyone should be, but I’d panicked, thinking I was losing all the progress I’d made. After the assault, I’d been in a dark place for quite a long time. I’d clawed my way out of it, using therapy and training in martial arts as my light, building up my shields so that I’d never be so helpless again. Martial arts in particular had given me discipline, focus, and I’d finally felt in control once again. Being able to read my opponent and fight back—there was something so empowering about it. I hadn’t stuck to just one discipline, either, and I’d acquired a range of skills over the time I’d been practising.
Anyway, after the appointment with my therapist, it was crystal clear to me. I needed to speak to Weston, to try to make him understand why I’d reacted that way to him.
Oh yeah, and I needed to apologise for keeping the whole Mercury thing a secret. One step at a time, though, that’s what Kaylie had kept reiterating during our appointment.
Pausing outside the Alstone College Student Union, I smoothed down my top. Outwardly, I looked good—or like myself, at least. Black, loose T-shirt slipping off my shoulders, short black pleated skirt, fishnet tights, chunky boots, and a studded black leather belt I’d looped around and around my arm as a makeshift bracelet.
My phone tracking said Weston was in this building. I knew from my intel that he’d been staying with his friend Rumi, and I was glad he hadn’t been alone, but he hadn’t been home yet, which concerned me.
I
slipped through the doors and headed down the stairs. The first person I saw as I made my way to the bar area was Jessa De Witt. Although, this wasn’t the perfectly poised Jessa De Witt I knew. This wasn’t the beautiful, rich, and popular girl, best friend to Portia Thompson, the queen bee on campus (or so she liked to think).
This version was a hollowed-out shell of herself. Limp hair, no makeup, dark circles under her eyes. A baggy grey hoodie covered her body, the sleeves pulled down over her hands.
“Jessa?” We’d never been friends, never really spoken, being two years apart in age and due to her dislike and jealousy of Winter, but things had kind of changed since the night at the docks. The Belarusian gang whom Winter’s mum was working with had kidnapped her, mistakenly believing her to be Caiden’s girlfriend, and from what I’d heard, it had been a traumatic experience for her. I just hadn’t realised how badly it had affected her until now. My brother had added me to a group chat with her, Winter, and Kinslee after the whole ordeal, but we’d stuck to light topics—mostly memes, courtesy of Cassius.
She gave me a small smile that didn’t reach her eyes and went to move past me. “Oh, hi.”
“Wait.” I placed my hand on her arm. “Are you…” What could I say that would help? Stepping closer, I lowered my voice, although we were currently alone in the area just outside the bar. “Jessa. Have you spoken to anyone about what happened?”
A dull pain filled her eyes, and she shook her head slowly.
Rummaging in my small bag, I pulled out my therapist’s card and pressed it into her hand. “Here. If you ever need to speak to anyone, she really helped me.” I nodded towards the card. “You don’t have to deal with this alone.”
“Thanks,” she whispered, clasping the card with shaking fingers. Swallowing hard, she composed herself, then looked at me. “What are you doing here, anyway?”