The Destinies of Darcy Dancer, Gentleman

by J. P. Donleavy

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘O it’s not for you to be sorry.’

  ‘Well Kelly, if you could intercede to get me another mattress to sleep on I would be very grateful.’

  ‘But of course I shall Kildare.’

  ‘And I ask only further of you that you do not disclose to anyone who I am. One has already incurred sufficient disfavour. And I did rather contribute to the dismissal of a previous butler.’

  ‘That’s no cause to worry Kildare. We’re always getting new butlers. We’re just really trades people you know, and the butlers who come to us because we can pay more, usually do so from far grander service, and always end up getting drunk and declaring their superiority. Some of them have even angrily broken whole dinner services on the floor. Inevitably they give in their notice or must be sacked. Of course my mother and father do endeavour to keep them in their place. But somehow they never succeed. So you’re not to worry in the least.’

  ‘Well I am somewhat relieved to hear that that state of affairs is customary in your household Kelly, nevertheless I should prefer to remain incognito.’

  ‘But it is a disgrace that someone of your social class should be so demeaned like this. I find it most upsetting. I really do. Are you staying in the loft.’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Well that really is the limit.’

  ‘The loft’s not so bad Kelly.’

  ‘Well I should not like to be flung into a loft. I mean if something like this Kildare happened to me I should not atall take it lying down.’

  ‘Well Kelly I suppose you in fact may be right. It’s not actually awfully nice.’

  ‘But it is your own fault, isn’t it, Kildare. I mean you ran away from school. Not facing up to things.’

  ‘Yes Kelly I regret to have to agree. But if I am to face up to your further admonishments, I think, that for my own peace of mind, I may have to suggest that you are rather full of shit.’

  ‘Damn it how rude. And how unthoughtful. When I’m doing my best to help.’

  ‘Yes. That was perhaps not nice to say. O dear. I do apologize Kelly.’

  ‘Well this situation is not awfully nice. Especially for me. Have you thought of that. It’s distressing Kildare. That’s what it is. I could of course think that this is your just deserts for having stolen my fudge.’

  ‘I do again apologize Kelly. I really many a time indeed grieved and was extremely sorry to have done that to you.’

  ‘Well you’re forgiven. But that is not the way to behave as I am sure you must know. Anyway as you are in fact working here. You may as well saddle up my horse.’

  ‘Very good sir.’

  ‘And there is no need to be menial about it either Kildare.’

  I must confess I was sorely tempted to leave Kelly’s cinch loose so that he could that more easily come off on his head and be put upright sticking in the mud. But alas, he is sine dubio my last remaining connection with the civilized world and one has to cherish his existence. I waited till he returned and pretended to be elsewhere out of sight when he shouted for me. And then watched him heading back from the stable yard to the big house. And I was standing on a chair washing a mare’s tail when the gaffer appeared just before tea time.

  ‘You’re wanted urgently up at the big house. Get lively now. Go on. I’ll get Sean to finish that. And you’d be as well to smarten up your appearance.’

  Darcy Dancer unbrushed and unscrubbed thumping the knocker on the brass nose of the lion on the front door. Assumpta answering, thinking my presence there a joke. And shoving me back over the threshold. Making her big brown eyes grow bigger.

  ‘Go on with you away. Imagine that you’d be invited to tea. Haven’t you been told you’re not wanted in here.’

  ‘I am invited to tea. By the young master.’

  ‘Sure I’m not letting the cheeky likes of you past if it was St Joseph himself give you the invitation.’

  Darcy Dancer putting his foot forward to stop the slamming door. And rearing up straight clearing one’s throat. The breeze noticeable between my legs. Avail myself now of my ruling class accent.

  ‘I say, stand aside girl and don’t presume upon a gentleman to keep him from making his prompt appearance to tea.’

  Assumpta reddening in the face, standing shook in her tracks with disbelief. And forgetting to shut the front door as she watched me remove my priestly stable blessed shoes and proceed forward to the drawing room. The wind slamming closed the front door and Assumpta running mumbling towards the kitchen stairs.

  ‘It’s O’Reilly behaving out of his mind saying he has been invited to tea with the master and mistress.’

  Although the Dublin poet had already indoctrinated them into the custom, raised eyebrows greeted my shoeless feet in the drawing room. The fire in the grate blazing. The red varnish painted on Kelly’s mother’s fingernails looked as equally false as the smarmy smile frozen on her face. Kelly jumping up and down as if he had peed in his pants. Which judging by the dark stain he in fact might have. His portly balding father wiping his brow with his handkerchief as he put his entirely limp and unpleasantly moist hand in mine.

  ‘Well young Mr Kildare. This is a pretty kettle of fish now to find out you are who you are.’

  ‘I apologize sir, to be without shoes, and do hope you will forgive the rest of my rather unpremeditated appearance.’

  Kelly’s mother who at first seemed feigning some indisposition now finally made some bodily movements and was at this moment anyway looking surprisingly pretty. Certainly one had a brief moment now to contemplate her features without them wearing a look of repugnance. Her light hair waved back at the sides of her head looked passably elegant in the drawing room light. But her aquiline nose did sniff and her eyebrow frown at my reasty aroma. However she calmed visibly as I sat and pushed my holey stockinged and regretfully much smelly feet out of sight under the tea table. And Kelly’s father took the opportunity to clear his throat, obviously finding it difficult to believe this present member of his household staff was plonked on his damask in front of him.

  ‘Are you comfortable there mister Kildare.’

  ‘Yes. Thank you.’

  Kelly’s father adjusting a lone long strand of hair across his shining pate. My God, after all this time to be addressed in a respectful manner. As if I existed as a human being and were not about to steal or break something. With Kelly’s mother and father having obviously tarted themselves up to look their very best in view of the fact, one must suppose, that I have so often seen them at their utter worst. But one certainly doesn’t like what one might think is an American style tie he’s wearing. And an overly red and far too wide stripe running through the far too smooth fabric of his suit. And Kelly’s mother’s accent is more than ever oozing with refinement making it so much more obvious and uncomfortable when her every few words are shattered by the undertones of her considerably less graceful vowels. Her lip now trembling a trifle as she raises her chin to further put on the dog.

  ‘Now despite the circumstances. We’d like to treat you as a school friend of Hugh’s to tea. We understand you are a Darcy Thormond.’

  ‘Yes, on my mother’s side, madam.’

  ‘A very well known racing family. And certainly no need now to address me as madam. Of course had we known who you were everything would have been extremely different. You should have told us you know.’

  An altogether too large diamond clip rather garishly adorning a too shiny puce fabric of Kelly’s mother’s dress. Better worn in a ballroom than at afternoon tea. But then she frequently appeared out in paddocks dressed as one might for a wedding. Nor could one be kindly about their racing colours needlessly blazoned everywhere. However, good lord in my present shabby regalia who am I to talk. Although one is rather enjoying having all the privileges of a commoner while remaining an aristocrat. Yet the house with a few widespread changes in furnishing could easily be made not so painfully obvious that its owner inhabitants were only recently removed from the
shop keeping classes. Just rake off the room’s overly ornate wallpaper. Get rid of the carpets, chiffoniers, cabinets and secretaire bookcases stuffed with their unread badly chosen titles. And chuck the overly stuffed multi coloured and ornamented sofas out the window. Although one would then face a certain bareness, nevertheless the good advice as to how to achieve at least a decent camouflage in the status they were attempting, might be put into action. But again who am I as a recent stable boy to pass such opinions. Except I damn well know the boundaries inside which people should stay who wish to be acceptable.

  ‘Do please mister Kildare help yourself. As you know we only stand on ceremony in this house when it’s absolutely necessary.’

  ‘Thank you. Of course, yes, I do know that.’

  The Kellys couldn’t be accused of stinginess, at least not above stairs in their own drawing room. And below stairs, with a sleight of hand, one could always remedy the situation. But now tea continued to come in its copious cascades, as Assumpta stared miffed out of her mind watching me intently as she fetched in more hot water for the pot. And through the bow of the polished windows the sky broken in blue with fluffy white clouds undertinged with the pink of a setting sun. The sound of horses pounding the turf in the paddock across the gravel drive. Kelly handing me everything but the kitchen sink from the laden linen napkined tray. He seemed terrified that I might not get enough to eat. And I assuredly left him thoroughly mollified by stuffing myself to the eyebrows. Eight scones buttered inch thick and spoonfuls of honey dripped between the warm soft steaming dough.

  ‘Now young Kildare, as Hugh’s father it’s incumbent upon me to inform your family as to where you are. And let them know you’re safe and healthy.’

  ‘Please Daddy, please. I told you he does not want that. You must not ask him. Please. He merely departed home because he is so fond of horses and wanted to be independent somewhere to learn their finer points.’

  ‘I’m only trying to do what’s correct in the circumstances.’

  ‘Well he wants to remain incognito as a stable lad Daddy.’

  ‘We can’t have that. I’m not saying we would chuck you out. I’m not saving that at all.’

  A blazing fire, and so many goodies close at hand. In one’s reversal of role, Sitting here, with the horse chat. The foals. The pedigrees. The yearlings. The racing at Fairyhouse, Phoenix Park and the Curragh. Instead of one’s shoes soaking up horse piss and lugging about loads of dung. Kelly seemed quite proud of my presence. In spite of the little bugger having me saddle up his horse. My god, one can see such a different side of people when one’s merely a menial. And Matt the head groom changed his carping tune to me in a hurry. But Kelly, I must confess, is not a bad skin. The poor little chap’s eyes wide as melons as I defame the ruddy school he still attends.

  ‘Well actually the food is appalling, the bullying sadistically revolting and most of the masters were to my mind thoroughly commonplace, sir.’

  ‘Well we thought Hugh was in the best of hands.’

  ‘Well Daddy, Kildare you know, isn’t used to institutional schooling.’

  ‘I see.’

  Kelly’s parents upon their departure from the drawing room were most plaintive in their assurances that I was welcome now as an old friend of the family. But it had been quickly agreed that now my true identity was known, my continued presence as a gentleman squire at the very bottom of the stable hierarchy might not be conducive to good bloodstock management. And for that evening at least, in my sudden upgrading, nothing was too good for me. Sean the second groom even brought the tatty remnants of my belongings in from my loft room.

  During dinner it must have been a fulminating situation down in the kitchens. As I in one of Kelly’s borrowed jackets, tie and tight shirt, assumed my full social position. The sneaky new butler’s face wore a look of broken jawed disillusionment which I did not lessen as I released a nasally clipped thank you each time he served me. And following weeks of my hard rustling horsehair mattress, that Saturday night, down the hall from Kelly, I flopped, my belly filled, into a most luxurious bed under a pale green eiderdown. Bathing in the adjoining bathroom with scads of hot water and big warm towels draped over the chromium rail.

  In the morning Kelly couldn’t wait to alert me to breakfast in the dining room and sat across the table watching as I shovelled down six fried eggs, eight pieces of buttered toast, six cups of tea and just about the entire contents of a quarter pound jar of marmalade.

  ‘Alright Kelly, you’re counting.’

  ‘I am not, I’m doing no such thing. But Assumpta’s been three trips and you’ve now had six fried eggs, eight pieces of toast and six cups of tea, that is rather a lot you must admit.’

  ‘Well you were urging everything upon me at tea yesterday and dinner last night.’

  ‘That was because I thought you might be hungry. But now I’m thinking that you may be just only greedy.’

  ‘Kelly I know it’s your house and I should not want to grieve you, but frankly I have been, as a previous member of the staff, forced to steal sufficient food to stay alive here.’

  ‘I know that must be a damn lie.’

  ‘O dear Kelly, calm down. I’m just pulling your leg. The staff food was absolutely tops.’

  ‘And I should jolly well think so.’

  But things were quite amicable when I took final leave. Standing in a dolorifically unacceptable striped trousered suit of Kelly’s father and more than somewhat too big for me. But balanced in a manner of speaking by an excruciatingly tight collar adorned by one of Kelly’s prep school ties. I looked at least passably neat. And with an extra fiver plus the entirety of my accumulated wages heavy in my pocket, I was playfully entertaining optimistic thoughts while Awfully Stupid’s parents performed their relieved dismissal of me in the drawing room. Having of course, repeatedly politely and faintly invited me to stay while I just as repeatedly insisted less faintly that I must depart. And I had concocted the most slavish stream of flattering leavetaking remarks to deliver to my hosts but thought it might simply sound all too reminiscent of my abject menial solicitude during my temporary sojourn as houseboy. But it is amazing the amount of insult one may dispense in the guise of blandishment.

  Assumpta suddenly in sobbing tears at their front door. And although one saw her worshipful eyes begging for recognition, I realized one must be firm and keep her in her place. As clearly I now was to her a knight in shining armour. I did feel caddish as the large grand grey gleaming motor car swept up and took us in its warm soft sumptuous interior. Which Kelly said had spent its recent years up on blocks in the garage due to the shortage of petrol. And now out we murmured over the drive and swept along the winding lanes to the train station. Leaving behind blankets lugged up over horses’ backs, and the hours of grooming in the dust of hair and scabs. Tom the chauffeur driving and frowning with hostility every time I caught him looking in my direction. Assumpta told me he had proposed to her. And Kelly at my side in the back seat.

  ‘Where Kildare will you be staying in Dublin.’

  ‘At the Shelbourne, Kelly. You ought to look me up now and again.’

  ‘I should like to do that.’

  ‘Do.’

  ‘You know Kildare I do feel rather good to be riding together with you like this. As if somehow it was predestined. O I don’t want to sound pompous. But you do know what I mean.’

  ‘Yes I do Kelly. I know exactly what you mean.’

  The wheels arriving at the station made the most magnificent pebble crushing sound with everyone turning to watch us. O God what utter amazing ruddy bliss to no longer be a menial. And once more step like a country gent up these steps. To feel extremely chipper on the station platform, being so much socially uplifted by the journey in the great motor car. And Awfully Stupid was extremely bouncy himself as we regarded these other travellers and he stood there legs astride and a little parcel held behind his back.

  ‘But what Kildare, will you do in Dublin.’

  �
��I shall Kelly go straight to the tailors and then, the weather permitting, I shall go to the races.’

  ‘What about our most marvellous horse, Tinkers Revenge that will soon be running in the big races.’

  ‘Well he was dead last in his last race, Kelly.’

  ‘But his blood lines go back to the great stallion Dancer. That was only his second race and was only an outing.’

  ‘Well, of course. I shall wager on him. I’m so glad you reminded me. One gets into such a dither Kelly. Been rather a lot happening recently.’

  ‘The odds should be staggeringly good.’

  ‘Well in that case I shall take perhaps a staggering risk.’

  ‘You know Kildare, in my play about you. That’s how I’ve drawn your character. As a chap who would take a risk. Even a suicidal one.’

  ‘Well I’m not sure that quality is exactly native to my character Kelly. Mostly it’s rather been with me that I’ve had no other choice than to be blatantly suicidal.’

  ‘Well I feel that you have the true air of a hero. And I do so admire your seemingly endless nerve.’

  ‘I’m not quite so sure that’s particularly flattering Kelly.’

  ‘Well I mean the way you’ve run away. Fought the Presidium. And have rather taken care of yourself the way you do. I mean imagine, being able to be a stable lad. A butler. And an aristocrat all wrapped up in one.’

  ‘It has however rather taxed my acting ability Kelly. But damn it all, aren’t we just as some great playwright or someone said, actors on a stage.’

  ‘O jolly right but you, you’re real as well. And I should like to continue to know you into the future.’

  ‘That is very complimentary Kelly, and I must say that I am rather glad to hear of something which elevates rather than deflates these days.’

  A breeze gusting across the train tracks. From the west still come the clouds. And just over the wall one sees the elegant motor car parked waiting outside this grey stone station. The choo choo throb of the train. The bud tips pushing out on the flowers. None the worse really after my weeks of work in Kelly’s father’s stables. Indeed I feel quite improved in strength. And absolutely able for the world.