“About Tyler?”
Ben shook his head. “No, about Harper. It’s plain to anyone with eyes in their head that you love her. Are you going to fight for her?”
“I want to, but she’d made it pretty clear that she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. And after the stunt that Tyler pulled tonight, who could blame her.”
“So that’s it? You’re just going to give up?” Ben sighed. “I know what you’re going through. I almost lost Lana because I was too pig-headed to admit to her and myself that I loved her. Tell Harper how you feel and if she still decides that she doesn’t want to be a part of your life, then at least you’ll know that you tried everything you could to make things work. You’ll never forgive yourself if you don’t.”
Could it really be that simple? Josh doubted it, but he knew that if Harper came out of this okay, he needed to tell her how he felt. He loved her, deeply, and if he didn't at least let her know how he felt, he would always think of what might have been.
“I’ll talk to her and tell her how I feel. But I’m not as optimistic as you. If she does let me into her life, I’m not bringing her to live with the pack. It’s hard enough for them to have one human in their midst. They aren’t going to accept another and I won’t put Harper through that.”
Ben nodded. “I’m not going to continue to put Lana through it either.”
Josh turned his head to look at his brother. “What do you mean? Surely you're not thinking of letting her go?”
Ben gave him an emphatic shake of his head. “Lana is my life and I will never be parted from her. I have decided to step down as Alpha. Things are working in the pack. Even if he didn’t foresee the consequences, the fact that Tyler felt that he could do something that might hurt a human shows that I have lost control of the pack.”
Shock went through Josh. The last thing he expected his brother to say was that he was stepping down as Alpha.
“Are you sure this is what you want?’
“It’s not what I want, but it’s what I have to do. I have to put Lana and the baby first. The pack is not in a healthy place right now, and I had thought that having Lana by my side would show them that having a human inside the pack would work. But it hasn’t. The pack needs a new leader, one who can focus on putting them first. I’m not stepping aside right this minute, but it’s going to happen very soon. I can’t and won’t be parted from my mate. The pack has forced my hand and I have to pick Lana.”
“I’m not going to pick up the mantle. I know that as your second-in-command it would be my place to step forward and take over, but I told you before that I am not going to do it.”
“I know.” A look of understanding crossed Bens’ face. “I figured you’d say as much. Besides, you’ll be in the same situation as me, and I don’t think the pack will accept Harper into their midst any more than they’ve accepted Lana.”
Josh turned his face away from Ben as Lana came back into the room and handed him a cup of coffee. He wished he could share his brother’s optimism, that Harper would allow him back into her life. But he feared that even after telling her that he loved her that she would not change her mind and that he would be forced to go on with his life without her.
25
Harper
Harper didn’t know what was a dream and what was reality when she opened her eyes. She remembered the accident, remembered the firefighters cutting the car in order to get her out. The rest was a jumble of moments filled with doctors poking and prodding, asking her questions as she drifted in and out. There had been a lot of pain and a lot of soothing voices. But most of what had happened after the accident was a blur of fractured images.
She looked over to the side and cold washed over her when she saw Jack standing beside her bed. He looked exactly the same as he did on the day he’d left their apartment and had not returned. If she was seeing him so clearly, did it meant that she hadn’t come through the accident? Was he here to take her into the afterlife?
“Am I dead?” It was the only reason she could think of for why he would be here.
“No, you aren’t dead, even though you’ve been acting like it for the past few years.”
Harper swallowed hard as she studied the lines of his face. It had been so long since his death that she’d almost forgotten what he looked like. And it occurred to her that she couldn't be looking at him now. If she wasn't dead, if this wasn't the afterlife, then she had to be dreaming. But she was reluctant to wake up if it meant not being able to talk to him.
“I missed you.” As she looked at him she expected to feel the sharp pain to go through her that usually did whenever she thought about him. But the pain was no longer there, the only thing she felt now when she looked at him was an overwhelming sense of peace.
“I know you miss me and I know that it hurt when I left you. But I never wanted this for you. I want you to be happy Harper. You could be happy with Josh, if only you let yourself.”
“How do you know about Josh?”
Jack gave her a crooked smile. “You get that this isn’t really me, don’t you? I’m a projection of your heart. It’s time for you to move on. You need to let me go and stop using me as an excuse for not letting yourself be happy. It’s time to say goodbye to me, Harper.”
A ball formed in Harper’s throat and her eyes prickled. “But that’s just it. You were gone so fast that I didn't get a chance to say goodbye.”
“Now’s your chance. You can be happy, it’s in your grasp. But you need to free yourself from your past.” He walked over to the bed and bent forward. His lips brushed hers softly and Harper closed her eyes. His touch melted away.
“Goodbye, Jack.”
Harper’s eyes fluttered open and he was no longer there. Lana was sitting in a chair by the bed, looking tired but relieved as she leaned forward.
“How are you feeling?”
Harper shifted on the bed, and her body ached all over. Her head was pounding, her ribs hurt and she was having difficulty making sense of everything. She didn’t hurt like this when she had talked to Jack, and that told her that he had been a dream after all. She expected the pain in her heart to grow at the thought that she hadn't actually seen him but it didn’t.
“I feel like I hit a tree.” She made a self-deprecating joke and a ghost of a smile crossed Lana’s face.
“I suppose it was a silly question.”
The room was empty save for Lana. It made her want to tell her about Jack and the dream. “I had the strangest dream just before I woke up. I dreamed about Jack.”
“Was it about the shooting?” Harper recalled telling Lana in the past that she was sometimes plagued by nightmares of Jack being killed when she was under stress.
‘No. He was here in the room with me. At first, I thought it meant that I was dead. He told me it was time for me to let him go, that I needed to move on if I was going to be happy.”
A thoughtful look came over Lana’s face. “And what do you think? Do you think there is some truth to that?”
Harper laid there for a long time while she turned Lana’s question over in her head. She knew that her heart had been trying to tell her something when Jack had appeared in her dream. “I’ve been a fool, haven’t I? It’s almost become a knee jerk reaction to hold men at arm’s length since Jack died. At first, it was because I wasn't ready to move on. When he died, I wanted to die too. But…”
She searched her mind for how to explain. Lana leaned forward and put her hand on her arm.
“But now there’s Josh.” There was a wealth of understanding in Lana’s eyes, but Harper had a feeling that her friend was not going to go easy on her.
“Yes, now there’s Josh. And I’m in love with him. That’s what scared me the most. I haven't felt anything like that with anyone since Jack. If anything happened to him, I don’t know if I could ever come back from it.”
“But what if nothing happens to him? What if he lives to a ripe old age? Have you thought of that?”
To
be perfectly honest, she hadn't thought of that. She’d been in her relationship with Josh assuming the worst. It was like she spent most of her time with him waiting for the other shoe to drop, and at the first sign of trouble she’d bailed on him. And it was telling that it was Lana in the room with her and not Josh.
“I messed everything up, didn’t I?” Profound sadness swept over Harper and she wanted to close her eyes and pretend that nothing was wrong. But she’d done enough running away and turning away from the truth. She was done doing that.
“You certainly gave it your best shot.” Lana smiled at her as she patted her on the arm. “But it’s nothing that can’t be fixed.”
“How can you say that? I hurt him so much. How can I make that up to him?”
“By talking to him and telling him how you feel.” Lana made it sound so easy but it couldn't be that simple.
“It can’t be that easy. you don’t know what I said to him. He thinks I don’t want him because of what he is.”
“So you tell him that you were scared, that you let your fear overwhelm you. You ask him to forgive you and I am sure he will.”
“How can you be so sure?” Harper looked at Lana. Was that really all she needed to do? Talk to him and tell her what was in her heart and all would be forgiven. Surely there was going to be more to it than that.
“I’m sure because I know what happened after you hit that tree. Josh was one of the first responders on the scene. Ben was there too and he told me what happened there. When he learned it was you in that car, he was shaking so badly that he couldn't do his job. He rode in the ambulance with you and he was in the waiting room the entire time you were being worked on.”
“Where is he now? Can I see him?” An overwhelming tiredness swept through her and she knew that she wasn't going to remain awake for much longer.
“Ben has taken him home. It was quite a fight to get him to go. But we decided that once we knew you were going to be okay, it would be better if he got some rest. The hospital will only allow one of us in here, and I’m taking the first shift sitting with you. He will be here tomorrow and you can see him then.”
Harper was worried that she might lose her nerve by tomorrow. It seemed like a daunting task to convince him that she was wrong about pushing him away. But right now she was so tired that she couldn't think straight, and she knew that if she was going to convince Josh that she loved him, then she needed a clear head.
“Are you sure he’s going to want to listen to what I have to say?” She’d messed up so badly that she wouldn't blame Josh for not wanting to give her a second chance. It was one thing to be upset when someone you had been intimate with was hurt, it was something else entirely to open yourself up to being hurt again. Maybe Josh wouldn't trust her not to bail on him when things got tough.
“I don’t think you have anything to worry about. The man I saw tonight loves you, and if you tell him what is in your heart, I’m sure he’ll listen. Now get some rest.”
Harper closed her eyes and hoped that it would be as easy as Lana seemed to think. If nothing else the accident had shown her just how fragile life was, how there were no guarantees. The only thing she could do was live her life one day at a time. And she was certain of one thing. She didn’t want to go on without Josh. The next time she saw him she was going to tell him how she felt and beg his forgiveness. And if he gave her a second chance she wasn’t going to do anything to jeopardize it again.
26
Harper
Harper winced as the doctor carefully palpitated her ribs. Her body was one aching mass now that she was fully awake, and although she understood that this exam was necessary, it didn’t make it any less painful.
“You’ll be glad to know that they aren’t broken, just deeply bruised. Unfortunately that is not going to make them any less painful, I’m afraid.” He moved back and picked up the medical chart that he’d set on the table beside the bed.
“When can I get out of here?” She didn’t think she was going to be moving very quickly once she got out of this bed, but she needed to see Josh. She’d been awake all morning and there had been no sign of him. If he wasn’t going to come here, then she was going to have to seek him out.
“You’re very lucky to be alive. Your seatbelt and airbag saved your life. My biggest concern is your concussion, so we are going to keep you in for another day at least so we can keep an eye on it.” The doctor had a stern look on his face and Harper couldn’t bring herself to argue with him. It looked like she was going to be stuck here for another day at least.
It appeared the doctor had finished with his examination and after saying he’d be back to check on her, he turned and left.
Harper pressed the button that would adjust the elevation on the bed in an attempt to get more comfortable. For a second she wished she had asked for something for the pain. However, it was probably a good thing that she hadn’t. She needed a clear head so she could formulate what she was going to say to Josh when she did see him.
She blew out a breath of frustration. She didn’t know if she wanted to spend another day in this bed. She felt so helpless just laying here. And she wanted to see Josh. She needed to see him.
The cold light of day hadn’t made her any less determined to tell him how she felt about him. It was something she knew in her heart that she needed to do. She’d didn’t want to go through the rest of her life without him. She’d spent so much time giving in to her fear that she didn’t think she would be able to forgive herself if she ruined things with him.
The door to her room opened and he was standing there, framed in the doorway. He looked so strong, so steady that her heart ached to see him.
His eyes roved over hers and he came striding into the room, rushing over to her side. He reached up with a trembling hand to gently touch her cheek. She longed to rest her head against the palm of his hand, but knew that her ribs would not forgive her for making any moves in his direction. She hoped that the outcome of the conversation that they needed to have was positive because she longed to be held in his arms. And if he could forgive her for what she’d put him through, she made a promise to herself that she would experience being held by him as soon as her ribs allowed it.
“Thank God you’re okay.” There was a crack in his voice and he swallowed hard. There was the shadow of a beard on the lower part of his face and he looked tired, as if he hadn’t slept in days. “When I saw you in that car I thought I had lost you.”
She gave him a soft smile. “Thankfully the seatbelt and airbag saved me. The doctor says I have bruised ribs and a concussion, but it’s nothing that I can’t recover from.”
Relief flicked over his face. He turned and took the chair that Lana had been sitting in the night before and pulled it closer to the bed.
“There is so much I need to say to you.” He reached out and took her hand. He held it in his and hope bloomed inside Harper that he would listen to what she had to say and that he would find a way to forgive her for what she’d said to him the last time they’d spoken.
“There is a lot I have to say to you.” She took a deep breath. “I want you to listen. Don't say anything, otherwise I won’t be able to get this out.”
He tensed but nodded his head. She searched her mind for where she should start. It seemed logical to start at the beginning.
“Breaking up with you was a mistake. The only excuse I can give you for it is because I was afraid. I haven’t felt for anyone what I feel for you since Jack. When I lost him I thought my life was over and I made a promise to myself that I wasn't going to go through anything like that again. I managed to keep myself free from entanglements since then. Any time it seemed like someone was getting too close, I ended things. I built my life around work and told myself that I was happy. Then I came here to help my best friend with her shop and I met you. That night at the opening you bowled me over. When I went with you on the walk, I couldn’t stop myself. I had to know you better.”
His mouth tighte
ned. “And then I was shot. I’m so sorry that you had to go through what you did that night. If there was a way I could go back to that night, I would never have taken you outside with me. You know that I would never have gone to the park with you if I thought there would be any danger.”
“Neither of us could have known what was going to happen that night. I don’t blame you for what happened to you. Unfortunately it brought everything that happened with Jack back to me and it scared me. When Lana asked me to come back to town to help her, I have to be honest when I say that I was hoping I wouldn't run into you. I am not saying this to hurt you, but I think even then I knew that it would be too easy for me to get in deep with you.”
Josh gave her a crooked smile. “Unfortunately I didn't get the memo and wouldn’t let you push me away.”
“And I’m glad you didn’t. I wasn't so sure at the time, but now I am. I would never have come to you on my own if you hadn't pushed. And it was what I needed. to be pushed into getting to know you. If you hadn't I wouldn't have fallen in love with you.”
Surprise crossed his features and she could see joy flare in his eyes. He gently brought her hand to his lips and kissed the back. “Do you mean it? You love me?”
“It’s what scared me so much. I loved Jack and he was taken from me. I barely survived it. I knew I was falling in love with you, but I couldn’t seem to stop it. And I’m sorry to say that I used what you are and the situation your pack is in as an excuse to push you out of my life. I was trying to spare myself the pain, but once you left I realized that I was too late. I loved you and pushing you away hurt so much that I had to run from it. That was the reason I was on the road last night.” Harper’s lip trembled for a moment when she thought about how close she’d come to destroying everything. “I’m so sorry I did that. Can you forgive me?”
“I understand now what you went through when you were with Jack and why it scared you so much when you thought something would happen to me. I went through some of that last night when I saw you in that wreck. I thought you would be taken from me forever, and the pain was almost unbearable. And to know that I am partially to blame for your accident, that I brought danger to you, it makes me think that I should be the one to ask for your forgiveness.”
Craved By The Alpha Wolf (Firefighter Wolves Shifters Book 2) Page 11