Hundreds

by Pepper Winters

  For him to deny me that after showing me its existence…

  For him to fuck me rather than make love to me—now I understood the difference—would be the cruellest trick I’d ever endured.

  I inhaled hard. “Please tell me there will be another time.”

  My voice never rose past a whisper, but the silence in the room made it seem like the loudest shout.

  Elder shifted, his large hand falling from his tie like a heavy paw. He clenched it into a fist. “There won’t be.”

  “Ever?”

  “Ever.” He turned and raked his fingers through his damp hair, his shoulders slouched and face pinched from tiredness.

  I let him vanish to the other end of the suite, partially hidden by a wall and roman column. Should I leave him or go to him? Should I push or back away?

  Tears prickled. It was hard to give so much when he’d hurt me. I needed an apology, even if he couldn’t reassure that it wouldn’t happen again.

  With nervousness morphing into trapeze fleas inside my belly, I slipped out of bed and wrapped myself in the sheet. Padding toward him, I willed my eyes to remain dry as I found him sitting on the couch with his hands clasped tight between his legs.

  I looked at the carpet and asked one word. “Why?”

  His shoulders slouched. His face pinched with stress as if he held himself back and it drained every ounce of him. “As I told you before when you asked that question, they’re my reasons not yours. I don’t need to explain them.” He pinched the bridge of his nose, exhaling hard. “Just stay away from me.”

  I didn’t know the English language could be so vicious. He didn’t speak letters, he spoke weapons, and they cleaved and shot me into pieces.

  I hugged myself tighter in the sheet.

  Another long minute ticked past. “I’m stronger than you think,” I murmured. “I know I still have a lot to overcome, but my mind is already in a better place because of you. If you think what happened last night has ruined—”

  “It’s nothing to do with you,” he snapped.

  “Well…I’m glad. But you need to know that other men…they still make me fear. Other people don’t have my trust. But you do. You mean something to me.”

  Standing there, I was an outcast to his life, and it wasn’t fair. He’d yanked me into his world, he’d set my fate on a different path, and he expected me to share everything I was in return.

  Yet he refused to do the same.

  I wanted to talk after two years of silence. I wanted someone else to know me rather than scrap letters to an imaginary friend called No One.

  “Talk to me. Help me understand why you don’t want to touch me again. Tell me how I can make it possible for us to be together.”

  His body vibrated with something I couldn’t name—fighting urges I didn’t understand. “I didn’t say I didn’t want to touch you.” His voice was grim. “I want to so much it hurts.”

  Sparkles dusted over my skin. “Touch me then.” I inched forward, the white linen billowing around my legs.

  He shot up, his hand out to halt me, backing away as if I wanted to give him poison and not a kiss. “No.”

  “No?”

  “No.” His eyes squeezed shut for a fraction of a second. He shook his head. “I told you. This was a one-time deal. I’m barely keeping it together, so stay over there and fucking accept that this is where this ends. Do you hear me?”

  Cactus spikes and fish hooks stabbed at my arteries. “So this is over?”

  He marched away, his legs not nearly as steady as he portrayed. “You want to label this?” He glared over his shoulder. “Fine. Yes, this is over. I am your rescuer. Nothing more. You have doctor’s appointments today that Selix will escort you to. You will be well looked after in my care. But tonight, when we’re back at sea and I tell you what I should’ve fucking told you yesterday, I doubt you’ll even wish to call me that.”

  “What…what do you mean?”

  “I mean I have information on your mother.”

  I sucked in a gasp. Could that be true? Where was she? How was she? And why exactly did that knowledge fill me with dread rather than hope?

  “You’re trying to get rid of me.”

  He chuckled deep and dark. “Finally clicked, has it?”

  I staggered back. “You’re being mean.”

  “I’m always mean.” He smirked, showing sharp teeth. “Grow up, Pimlico. I’ve fucked you. You no longer interest me. Get over it and let me take you home.”

  God, I hurt. I ached. “I-I don’t believe you.”

  He’s lying…

  “It’s not up to you. That’s the way it is.”

  “You just told me you want me so much it hurts. That’s the truth but I think you’re trying to push me away because you believe I’m not strong enough to be in a meaningful physical relationship. That my past will somehow come back to haunt me and I’ll hate you.” I moved forward while he shot back. “Doesn’t last night show you how wrong that is? You scared me, Elder, but I’m still here. I’m still willing to talk to you. I’m begging you to talk to me. Please don’t cut me off.”

  He slashed his hand in the air like a guillotine. “I’m done wasting time on this.”

  “Well, I’m not.” I stood as haughty as a princess. “I need to know why you can stand there and lie to me! How can you shut me out when I’m the one with the fucked-up past and have the balls to face this together?”

  Elder flew forward as if his dragon once again lent him lacy, scaly wings. His hand latched around my throat. He knew my aversion to my neck being touched yet he squeezed anyway.

  The panic attack that always triggered tried to swallow me. The gaping chasms, the blustering winds—all telling me to go, go, go—to give into the breathlessness.

  But if this was a trial, then I couldn’t fail. I had to show Elder what I said was real. That he could rely on me not to bail if only he would tell me the truth.

  Gritting my teeth, I stood still, never looking away from his burning eyes. His jaw clenched as he allowed a landscape of aggression to paint his features.

  And then, he was gone.

  Tossing me away, he charged to the other side of the room. “This has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with me. You want the cold fucking truth?” He spun with his hands fisted and body braced. Black hair danced over his forehead, wild and tameless.

  My heart shrivelled into a cranberry, tart and tiny. I nodded even though it took everything in me to face his wrath. “Yes.”

  He shrugged, his face twisting into a sneer. “You’re not worth it.”

  I wasn’t prepared for yet another sentence weapon. This one was a nuclear missile aimed straight for my soul. I shattered into hundreds of messy pieces.

  I couldn’t—

  I had no reply.

  I was soundless. Wordless. Mute.

  Elder laughed like the devil, his face torn apart by admission and anger. “Being with you fucked me up. Normally, I can handle temptation. Normally, I can remain sane. But you—” He pointed a trembling finger at me as if I was a witch and should burn at the stake. “You got inside my heart before you got inside my head, and it’s tearing me fucking apart!” Stalking toward the sideboard, he picked up a red and white vase and threw it across the room.

  I flinched as it exploded on impact, sending porcelain everywhere.

  “I’d give anything to fuck you again. I spent all night crippled with the need. I almost lost. So many fucking times. I almost came back to you and buried myself as far as I could inside you. But as I fantasised about fucking you and crawled on my hands and knees to the door, I remembered my promise. A promise to the dead who know when I break them. That was the only thing that kept me behind that door.” His eyes glittered. “The only thing, Pim.”

  His chest heaved with breath as he dragged a hand over his suddenly sweaty face. “I meant what I said.” His nostrils flared and hands balled. “You’re not worth it. I lost myself once before. I wear countless deaths
and carry an eternity of shame. I lost everyone I ever loved all because I didn’t have the willpower to say no.”

  He backed away from me, shoving aside a chair and stumbling toward the other bedroom. “I’m saying no now. I won’t do that again. Not for you. Not for anyone.”

  He slammed the double doors leading toward the untouched bedroom, leaving me shell-shocked, shivering, and for the first time, no longer afraid for me but entirely terrified for someone else.

  Everyone had trials.

  Everyone endured pain.

  My past had been shitty.

  But Elder, he lived a reoccurring nightmare.

  And no one had the cure.

  Not me.

  Not him.

  Not even fate.

  * * * * *

  I didn’t know how long I stood there.

  I didn’t know how my body remained upright and not crumbled on the floor.

  My mind raced. My pulse thrummed. My decision morphed from soot and heartbreak.

  Elder had taken me from my certain death and given me life. He’d killed my master, cultivated my courage, and sowed the seeds of hope for a better world.

  He’d sacrificed himself for me.

  He’d given me his everything and what had I done? Just asked for more and more until he had nothing left to give.

  I’d done this.

  I’d driven him to this point.

  I was the root of evil, and no matter what my own heart wanted…I couldn’t hurt him anymore.

  He’s hurting enough.

  Wrapping my arms around myself, I pretended No One gave me a hug. That the thoughts in my head transcribed onto paper and my pen friend could read and understand them. That they would nod wisely and say I was right. That they would pen me a reply and tell me the future; reveal how the hell I would move on from here.

  Elder was in pain.

  I’d overstayed my welcome.

  He mentioned my mother, so she was alive.

  I had my voice, so I could ask for directions.

  I made him unhappy, so it was time for me to leave.

  Last night had taught me two things: one, beneath the scramble of torture I was a woman who could enjoy sex with the right partner, and two, I cared for Elder much more than I wanted to admit.

  I cared enough to put him before me, no matter the agony.

  I wasn’t ready to go.

  But leaving for him made a world of difference.

  In a daze, I wandered back toward the bed where we’d last been together and slipped into a simple pink sundress from the bag Elder’s staff had packed for me. Plaiting my hair and rubbing my face, I swallowed the tears welling deep like an endless pond.

  With glassy vision, I opened the bedside table and found hotel stationery beside a pocket-sized bible.

  Barely breathing, I sat on the bed and composed a letter for someone other than No One.

  Dear Elder,

  It’s so strange writing this to someone who is real. Someone who will touch what I’ve written, read what I’ve spoken, and be affected by the sentences I choose.

  First, I want to say how grateful I am for everything you have given me. I never thought I would talk again, let alone willingly kiss and go to bed with a man.

  But you made that possible.

  You saved me from Alrik and from myself.

  You are my guardian angel.

  I know that’s silly and a little overdramatic, but when I’m with you, I’m stronger. You make me face new things, yet you stand by me until I overcome them.

  Because of that generosity, I took everything you gave me, lynching your strength and leaving you with nothing for yourself. I understand now that I’ve taken too much and I’m so unbelievably sorry.

  I always knew our time together was temporary—just like you.

  When you first took me, I believed it would be temporary by ending my life. And now that I know you, I understand it’s because two people like us can never have forever.

  We’re too damaged.

  Too wary.

  I stupidly hoped I could change us into permanent, if only we worked together, but I see now that was my true naivety.

  I need to let you go.

  This is goodbye, Elder.

  Don’t worry about me. You’ve taught me to survive.

  Don’t follow me. I’m no longer your concern.

  Don’t regret being with me. Because I will forever think of you fondly.

  I’m alive because of you—

  I paused as a tear splashed onto the paper, smearing the ink until it turned into a swirling watercolour rather than cursive.

  The letter was already too long. I had to leave before he returned and broke my heart some more. However, I had something else to say. Something he’d mentioned at dinner and filled me so full of love I’d almost burst with it.

  The pen swished across the paper.

  You once stole my letters to No One. To begin with, I felt so violated having you read my deepest confessions. But now, I’m glad. You were right the other night. I think I was always writing to you. It hurts to think of you as no one. As someone so alone. But it gives me something so priceless to know all along, my letters were meant for you.

  And you found me.

  I begged for help, and you delivered it.

  I cried for a new life, and you provided it.

  I craved a kinder existence, and you showed me it was possible.

  I’ll never forget you, Elder Prest.

  I’ll always love you, No One.

  Please never forget me.

  Pimli—

  I stopped mid signature.

  Did I really want to say goodbye to Elder with a slave name? To let him forever remember me as some beaten girl, when, thanks to him, I was so much more than that?

  I could sign off as Little Mouse—the nickname he’d chosen to use when we were intimate or heart-joined. But even that wasn’t perfect.

  My true name had been my secret.

  Elder had wanted my secrets.

  Now, he would never have them. But I could give him one as a parting gift.

  With my fingers tight around the pen, I scrawled my old name, turned new name, turned known identity.

  Yours forever, Tasmin.

  I didn’t bother with my last name as I didn’t want to give him any way to chase after me. I couldn’t vanish into the world, return to my mother, and forever look behind me hoping he’d find me. I couldn’t lie in bed at night believing he’d hunt me down and admit he couldn’t live without me.

  No.

  This was the way it had to be.

  He would only know my first name. He would never know where to look. He would have no way of ruining us further.

  With tears dripping down my cheeks, I kissed the letter, folded it carefully—wishing I was talented enough to transform boring rectangle into pretty origami—and placed it on the end of the bed.

  With a heavy breath that whistled through all the new holes inside me, I slipped feet into flip-flops, glanced at the Japanese/English dictionary and black metal spoon I’d stolen for him, crept from the hotel room…

  and vanished.

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  ABOUT THE AUTHO
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  After chasing her dreams to become a full-time writer, Pepper has earned recognition with awards for best Dark Romance, best BDSM Series, and best Hero. She’s an multiple #1 iBooks bestseller, along with #1 in Erotic Romance, Romantic Suspense, Contemporary, and Erotica Thriller. With 20 books currently published, she has hit the bestseller charts twenty-eight times in three years.

  Pepper is a Hybrid Author of both Traditional and Self-published work. Her Pure Corruption Series was released by Grand Central, Hachette. She signed with Trident Media and her books have sold in multiple languages and audio around the world.

  On a personal note, Pepper has recently returned to horse riding after a sixteen year break and now owns a magnificent black gelding called Sonny. He’s an ex-pacer standardbred who has been retrained into a happy hacking, dressage, and show jumping pony. If she’s not writing, she’s riding.

  The other man in her life is her best-friend and hubby who she fell in love with at first sight. He never proposed and they ended up married as part of a bet, but after eleven years and countless adventures and fun, she’s a sucker for romance as she lives the fairy-tale herself.

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  OTHER WORK BY PEPPER WINTERS

  Pepper Winters is a multiple New York Times, Wall Street Journal, and USA Today International Bestseller.

  All Pepper’s books are available in e-book, paperback, & audio.

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