“Hey,” he said as he leaned down to kiss me. He was going for my cheek, and I moved so that my mouth met his.
He groaned and wrapped his arms tightly around me as he drew my body against his. I melted into him. This felt so right. Like I had kissed this man every day for the last eight years. When, in fact, I had…only it was in my dreams.
He pulled back and looked down at me. “I think I would like to start every day like that.”
I laughed. “I believe I would as well.”
Nolan reached for my hand and laced his fingers in mine as we headed down the steps of the porch and to his truck. It was a white Ford F-250 that seemed like it was hardly ever driven. It probably hadn’t been since Nolan rarely came back to Texas to visit.
The contact with his body and mine almost seemed to muddle my brain. All those nights I had laid in bed and dreamed of feeling this way. I longed for it, because I had known deep in my heart that I’d had it once upon a time.
My mother’s words from earlier floated back to me as Nolan held the truck door open for me and I slid up into the seat. “The two of you were very much in love once upon a time.”
Nolan climbed up into his seat, started the truck, and headed down the drive. I swallowed the lump in my throat and decided to just ask. Turning toward him, I watched his face as I slowly asked my question. “Nolan, were we engaged when I had my accident?”
The muscles in his neck and jaw tightened. When I looked at his hands on the steering wheel, they appeared to be holding on for dear life. I’m pretty sure I knew what his unspoken answer was just by the tension in his body.
“I believe I asked you not to lie to me before, so I’ll ask the question again,” I said. “I know I told you I didn’t want to know anything, but I’m asking you now. I don’t even know if the accident was a car accident. I’ve always assumed it was, and when I didn’t ask, no one offered up the information. Not even my therapist. I’m not sure if I’ll ever remember us fully, Nolan. But I know for a fact, there was an us. And then there wasn’t, and that’s what I’m struggling with.”
“Why are you asking if we were engaged? Did you remember something?”
I had asked him not to lie to me, so it was time I did the same. “Yes. You getting down on one knee and asking me to marry you on the bridge. It didn’t come to me when we were actually at the bridge, but when you dropped me off last night I remembered. When you asked if I was okay, it came out of nowhere. Then, last night, I found this.”
Reaching into my purse, I felt for the photo. I pulled it out and looked at it, then showed it to Nolan. He nearly slammed on the brakes as he pulled over to the side of the road. He took it from me, his hands shaking.
“I have an engagement ring on my finger in that photo. Nolan, how long had we been engaged?”
He slowly nodded. “Yes, we were engaged. I asked you to marry me when we were in college. We were both home on a Christmas break when I asked you on that very bridge.”
I nodded and exhaled, suddenly feeling a strange warmth move through me. “We were together when the accident happened?”
His head snapped to look at me. “You remember the accident?” The way his face contorted in pure horror stunned me.
I stammered my reply. “N-no. I don’t remember it at all. I meant we were still engaged at the time of the accident?”
He swallowed hard. “Yes. We were getting married that weekend.”
I gasped and covered my mouth with my hand. “What?”
Nolan closed his eyes, and I could see the memory take hold of him. His breathing picked up, and he looked like he was about to be sick.
“Tell me what happened, Nolan. Please.”
He shook his head. “I-I can’t. You’ll hate me, and I can’t bear the thought of losing you again.”
This time I was positive I was the one who looked like I was about to be sick. I could only say one word. “Why?”
He placed his hands on the steering wheel and then dropped his forehead to it.
My hands started to sweat, and I noticed they were shaking. “I’ve been having memories. They’re coming more and more, and I think it’s because I’ve been spending time with you. You sneaking up into my room, making love to me. You asking me to marry you. I’m almost positive my dreams are memories and not figments of my imagination. I know we were in love. I know you walked away from me for a reason, and I have a feeling you came to France on more than one occasion. A man doesn’t do that if he isn’t madly in love with the person. You let me walk away for a reason, Nolan.”
He didn’t say a word.
“You became a test pilot after my accident.”
“How did you know that?”
“You wrote me a letter after you joined the Academy. I found it last night, in a box that had this photo in it. You mentioned pilot training, but you didn’t say anything about being a test pilot. I’ve heard people say you take risks, unnecessary risks, that you’re an adrenaline junkie. I heard someone at Nolan’s birthday party comment on how you’ve rarely been back to Boerne in the last eight years. Once for Truitt’s wedding, and the second for Nolan Jr.’s baptism. You jump out of helicopters and planes and Lord knows what else. They didn’t know I was standing there, of course, or I don’t think they would have spoken so freely. I’m not so sure you’ve always been that way. Call it a gut feeling.”
“No one in this town should be butting into my business,” he spat out.
“Do you?”
He frowned. “Do I what?”
“Take risks? Have dangerous hobbies?”
Nolan stared at me for the longest time before he answered. “Yes. I also have a dangerous job, but that doesn’t mean anything. You knew what my job was—I showed you and your dad the videos. What can I say? I like the thrill, the adrenaline rush. I’ve always liked it.”
I nodded. “Why, though? Why did you become a test pilot? Why do you do these dangerous hobbies?”
His eyes filled with tears, and he blinked rapidly to gain control of his emotions. His reply was so soft and low, I barely heard him. “So I can forget for a little bit.”
My heart instantly broke in two. Whatever had happened eight years ago, it had caused him pain as well. The only difference was mine may have been physical, while his was emotional. My mind had protected me from the emotional and shut it out, and his had not.
I cleared my throat and gathered every ounce of strength I had. “Were you in the accident too?”
He nodded.
“How did it happen?”
His brows pulled in even tighter, and I saw the conflict on his face and in his eyes. For a moment, I wanted to throw my hands up and yell, ‘Wait! Don’t tell me, I don’t want to know!’ But I did want to know. I needed to know. I knew that if things kept progressing with our relationship, it had to come out. If not, it would always be between us. This secret. The reason it was buried.
Nolan cleared his throat, opened the truck door, and got out. He promptly started to pace. I followed him out of the truck and walked to the front of it where I leaned against the side of a fence and waited. I wrapped my arms around my body to ward off the slight chill in the air as I waited for him to speak. I knew this was something I could not push. This had to be on his terms, and I wouldn’t rush it…I’d waited eight years; a few moments longer wouldn’t hurt.
“I thought I would have more time with you. I thought we could get to know each other all over again before…”
It hit me like a brick wall. He was terrified I was going to leave him after he told me. Not just hate him, actually leave him.
“Nolan, what if the memory comes back to me someday? It’s not going to make it any easier then. I’m tired of living in the dark. Aren’t you tired of keeping it in the shadows? Hiding from the past?”
He nodded, and I sucked in a breath when I saw a tear roll down his face. I pushed off the fence to go to him, but he held his hand up.
“No, please don’t. Don’t, Linz. I can’t do this
if you touch me.”
Nolan
THE LOOK ON Linnzi’s face was a mix of shock and hurt as she nodded and took a few steps back to lean against the fence once more.
Fuck. How in the hell was I going to tell her? I closed my eyes and tried not to remember that day, but it flooded back to me in a single rush.
The moment the plane hit the runway, I knew something was wrong. Very wrong.
“Linnz, hang on,” I said as I attempted to regain control of the plane.
“Nolan! Nolan!” she screamed before everything went wrong.
The landing was supposed to be routine. I’d done it a thousand times with military jets on fucking Navy ships. Hell, on this very runway. What in the hell happened?
My head was pounding as I shook it and looked to my right to see Linnzi slumped over, blood pouring from her head.
“Linz? Linz!” I screamed as I heard sirens in the distance. Then, I smelled the smoke.
Turning, I looked and saw the baby still in her car seat, but part of the plane was pushed in on her side from where we’d skidded and hit something.
“Sir! Sir!” a voice called.
“The baby!” I screamed as I fought to get my buckle undone. The door opened and someone was taking Linnzi out.
“My wife has a head wound!” I cried out as I looked over my shoulder at the paramedics removing the car seat.
“The baby!” I yelled. “Is my daughter okay? She’s only two months old!”
“Sir, let’s get you out; the plane is on fire,” a voice said from somewhere. I couldn’t take my eyes off of the paramedics as they removed Amanda from the plane.
“Sir!” the voice yelled. “Can you move?”
I nodded and managed to get the belt off before following him out. They were running with Amanda.
“Amanda!” I cried out before I looked for Linnzi.
“Linnzi?”
“Sir, over here,” another voice said as I felt someone guiding me away from the plane. My ankle felt like it was on fire, and I looked down to see if I was even walking right as we made our way over to a helicopter. Linnzi and Amanda were both being taken to the copter, and I attempted to pick up the pace. The pain was slowly ebbing, so I was pretty positive I had sprained it and not broken it.
Then, I heard it. A scream so piercing it nearly dropped me to my knees.
Linnzi!
I ran as fast as I could, and right before I got to the helicopter a firefighter stopped me.
“No! No!” Linnzi screamed. “No!”
“What the fuck is happening!?” I cried out as I tried to make my way around the firefighter. “Linnzi?”
“Nolan!” Linnzi cried out.
“Let me go!” I said as I pushed my way past. Linnzi was holding Amanda in her arms now, and she was rocking back and forth, crying.
When she lifted her eyes and looked at me, I froze. “Nolan, she’s gone! Our baby is gone! She’s gone!”
I felt my body start to fall, but two sets of arms held me up.
Linnzi buried her face in the blanket and cried, “My baby! Why? Why my baby?”
Three hours later, I walked into Linnzi’s hospital room after they had taken her for CT scans and X-rays. She looked at me with the strangest expression as she took me in. In that moment, that second that changed everything, my entire world was turned upside down.
“Are you a doctor?” she asked.
I frowned and looked at the nurse, then back to Linnzi.
“W-what?” I asked, my voice hoarse and raw from all the crying I’d been doing.
Linnzi tilted her head and regarded me for a few moments before she asked in a confused voice, “I’m sorry, do I know you?”
In that moment, nothing was ever the same again. I turned and bolted from her room.
“Nolan?”
Linnzi’s soft voice pulled me from the memory. I looked up at her and swallowed the lump in my throat. After a few deep breaths, I said, “It was a plane accident. That’s how you got hurt.”
Her mouth fell open. “What?” she asked softly.
The sound of my heart beating in my ears made it hard to even hear her. “You were hurt in a plane accident. We were flying down from Colorado. I had a short-term assignment there and we were due to get married that weekend, so it was just easier to fly.”
She slowly shook her head as she let the words sink in.
I closed my eyes and felt a tear slip free. I heard her inhale, but I kept going. Focusing back on her, I went on. “I was flying the plane, Linnzi. It was my fault. All of it was my fault.”
Her hand came up to her mouth. “You were what?”
I waited for a moment, wondering if the memory would come back to her as I held my breath and searched her face. When she didn’t say anything, I said, “I…I was flying the plane. The main landing gear collapsed and…and…I attempted to do a go-around, but the plane didn’t respond. It…it…”
It felt like I needed to take giant gulps of air as I tried to finish telling her. Tears flowed easily down my face. “It bounced down the runway, and the wing came in contact with the runway. It…”
“Stop…” she said in a barely there voice. “Please, don’t say anything else.”
I gave her a confused look. She shook her head. “Stop. I don’t care what happened. I don’t want to know.”
Swallowing hard, I felt my jaw start to ache as I clenched down. “What do you mean, stop?”
She pushed off the fence and walked up to me. “I see the pain in your eyes, and I want you to stop. Please.”
“But—”
Linnzi pressed her finger to my lips. “Something inside me is screaming for you to stop. Please, I don’t want to know anymore.”
I went to say something, and she pressed her finger against my lips even harder. “Please, Nolan. Not now. I know there’s more, but not now. Another day, just not now. You’ve already given me some more pieces to the puzzle. It’s all I can take right now.”
The need to tell her everything was almost overwhelming. She needed to know everything.
“Linnzi, I think…”
She pulled my mouth down and kissed me. It was a desperate kiss. A hungry kiss. A kiss I could easily allow myself to get lost in and forget everything. No amount of jumping out of planes could make me forget what happened the way that being with Linnzi could.
“Kiss me, Nolan,” she whispered as she gave me a small shake. “Kiss me back!”
My eyes searched her face, and I felt so damn confused.
“Damn it, Nolan! Kiss me!”
I cupped her face in my hands and did what she asked. I kissed her, pouring all of my emotions into that one kiss. It was too much, yet not enough. I wanted to crawl inside her and stay there forever.
Linnzi ripped her mouth from mine. “Nolan, take me back to your house.”
My knees wobbled. “What?”
“I want you. I want to make love, now. I need you. Give me memories, Nolan, happy memories to erase all of the bad ones that are holding me hostage.”
Slowly, I shook my head. “But…it’s only been a couple of days, you hardly…”
“Do not say I hardly know you, Nolan Byers. I’ve been dreaming about you for eight years. I’ve been waiting for you, only you. I remember you asking me to marry you and me saying yes. I remember what it feels like to have your hands on me. Don’t tell me no now.”
“We can’t hide from the truth any longer, Linz.”
She shook her head and looked up at me with pleading eyes. “We can for a little while longer. Please. Give me that, at least.”
I was conflicted. A part of me knew I needed to keep telling her everything. The other part of me—the side that was terrified she’d walk away before I ever got to experience one more moment like this with her—won out. A small smile threatened the corners of my mouth, and I felt her entire body sag in relief.
She smiled. “Are you going to make me beg, Mr. Byers?”
“Beg? Not just yet.”
>
Her smile slowly faded, and her eyes turned dark with desire. I grabbed her hand and practically pushed her into my truck as we headed back to the ranch.
“How many Gs are we hitting on this ride back?” Linnzi asked with a giggle.
Twenty minutes later, we were walking into the house and my hand was on her lower back, guiding her to my room. The entire time my hands were shaking, and I felt like it was our first time all over again. Eight years was such a long time to be without the intimacy of a woman, so it was sort of like my first time all over again.
I walked into my bedroom and stood there, not even sure I wanted to take a breath. If I did and turned around, would she disappear and this would all have been a dream of my own? I closed my eyes and prayed it was reality.
The door clicked behind me, and I turned to see Linnzi leaning against it. She had the sweetest smile on her face as she said, “When you look at me like that, I lose the ability to think.”
My mouth opened slightly but nothing came out. Linnzi pushed off the door and took a few steps toward me.
“You look nervous, Nolan.”
I let a small laugh slip free. “You have no idea, Linz. I’m afraid I’m dreaming.”
She slowly shook her head. “No more solo dreams, for either of us. Now the dreams we make will be together.”
“Linnzi.” Her name came out like a plea.
When she stopped in front of me, she lifted her hands and pulled my shirt up as I reached behind and yanked it over my head.
A whoosh of air came from her perfect lips, and she placed her hand on my chest. My body instantly reacted, and I had to ball my fists together to keep from ripping at her clothes.
“You are so handsome, Nolan.” She leaned down and kissed the middle of my chest, causing me to drop my head and let out a groan.
“So perfect in every way,” she whispered. “I don’t know how, but I know this body. I know I’ve memorized every inch of it. You have a scar on your upper thigh.”
I looked down at her as she moved her mouth and kissed up my neck.
“Don’t you?” she softly asked.
“Yes,” I breathed out.
I felt her smile against my skin. “I knew it. And another one, right here.” She placed a kiss on my chin. “I can’t see it because you don’t shave close, but I know it’s there.”
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