Lieutenant Colonel Williams lifted his beer to his mouth and took a long drink as he looked at me. I concentrated on my breathing, not wanting him to see how nervous I actually was sitting here. I thought this was going to be one of the hardest things I would ever do, but in reality, it felt like it was the absolute right thing to do.
When he lowered his beer, he looked out the window and then back at me. “Are you sure this is what you want to do, Nolan?”
I felt my head pop back slightly at his use of my first name. I wasn’t sure why it surprised me. I was sitting in his living room, for Pete’s sake. I cleared the frog in my throat and spoke. “Yes, sir. I think, no, I know the place I need to be right now is Texas. As much as I love the Air Force and serving my country, I love Linnzi more. I need to figure out a way to make this right and help her heal. Help us both heal, I suppose.” I looked down at the floor for a brief moment before focusing back on him. “I can’t do that when I’m stationed halfway across the country. I’ve been running for too long, sir. It’s time I faced my demons. It’s not just about mourning the loss of eight years with Linnzi and losing our daughter. It’s losing my folks as well.”
He remained silent for a few moments before he looked away, thinking about what he was going to say. He met my gaze. “I’m not going to talk you out of anything, and I’ll make sure everything gets pushed along quickly. I won’t even begin to try and understand what your life has been like, son. I have two kids, and the thought of losing one of them, well, I honestly don’t even want to think about it.”
Clearing my throat, I fought to keep my emotions in check.
“This is what you truly want?”
I stood and sighed. “Trust me, sir, I’ve thought long and hard about it. This is not a decision I take lightly. I love my job, love serving my country. It’s been an honor. I’m confident I’m making the best decision for myself and for Linnzi. I’m not going to change my mind, sir.”
Lieutenant Colonel Williams stood, extending his hand. “I hate to lose you, Nolan. You’re one of the best pilots I’ve ever seen.” He gave me a wink and added, “And that includes your daddy. He’d have been proud of you.”
With a firm handshake, I replied, “Thank you, sir. That means a lot to me.”
“I do hope that you’ll think about doing some consulting work. I’m not blowing smoke up your ass when I say you’re one of the best.”
“It would be a pleasure and an honor, sir.”
He slapped me on the side of my arm. “Good. Go back to Texas, son. I’ll take care of everything here.”
“Thank you, sir.”
The next morning, I packed up my locker, knowing I most likely would never climb into another military plane again. It was harder than I thought, but I knew deep inside that what I was doing was the right thing. Not only for me, but for Linnzi, Amy, and Steve.
I’d be back in Texas in a few days, and if Linnzi hadn’t made an appearance by then, I was going to call in the fucking state troopers to help me find her.
My phone rang, and I pulled it out to see it was Amy. My hands shook as I swiped across the phone screen.
“Have you heard from her?” I asked.
“A text. This morning.”
I sank down on the bench that was behind me, letting out a loud sigh of relief and frustration. “I didn’t get one.”
“I know.” Her voice was laced with sadness. “She said she was fine, needed a few more days.”
Drawing in another deep breath, I exhaled. “Why didn’t she text me? Did she say?”
Amy let out a little sigh of her own. “No, but I did tell her you had returned to Edwards. I didn’t tell her you were resigning, Nolan. I didn’t want to assume you were acting on emotions and, well, I didn’t feel it was my place.”
“It’s, ah, it’s done. I’ll be heading back home in a few days as long as there are no issues with my commission resignation. How are Duke and Belle?”
I had left Duke and Belle in Amy and Steve’s care since I knew I wouldn’t be in California long. I planned on selling everything I had in the house and walking away with my clothes and the few other items that had any meaning to me.
“They’re running around playin’. It’s a good thing Duke is young at heart, or I think Belle would need someone else to tire her out.”
A small laugh escaped…it actually felt good to laugh. “Yeah, she likes to play. I’ll let you know what day I’m coming back, for sure. I’ll send Linnzi a text as well.”
“Good. Good. Don’t stop reaching out, Nolan. I know she’s not replying, but don’t stop. She sees and hears every message you leave her.”
“I won’t,” I said, barely above a whisper. “I’ll never stop.”
Linnzi
THE SWAY OF the porch swing moving back and forth felt so calming. Since my arrival at the house on Canyon Lake, I had sat for hours in this swing. I was wrapped up in a blanket. It was just cold enough that I wasn’t freezing, but I could still feel the bite of the wind. Somehow that made me realize I was still alive.
“What are you doing, Linnzi?” I whispered as I looked out over the water. After I left my parents’ house, I had called Saryn’s brother Ryan who had picked me up and drove me to a lake house owned by a friend of his. I had remembered Saryn mentioning it one time, and it had popped into my mind the day I ran down my folks’ street in need of an escape. Ryan had begged me to tell Nolan know where I was, but I had told him—like I had told Saryn after I called her—that I needed time alone. Everything had hit me all at once, and I needed to come to terms with a number of things—and I needed to be alone to do that. He agreed and promised he wouldn’t tell anyone where I was as long as I checked in with my parents and Nolan, which I had done.
A single tear slipped free, and I reached up and wiped it away. My thoughts had been consumed with the past life my mind had blocked out, and with the realization that I had a two-month-old daughter who had died. My grief moved through endless stages, from sadness to anger, as I tried to figure out why everyone decided it would be best to let me forget her. Then came the guilt. Nolan had not only lost our daughter, but me as well. We had been set to get married that weekend. I closed my eyes and thought about the pained look on his face when he told me about the plane wreck. He blamed himself. I knew he did, and I knew that was part of the reason he walked away from me.
“Oh, Nolan.”
When I saw the sonogram, I was stunned by the rush of memories that hit me all at once. The emotions were overwhelming. The realization that I had lost a daughter, that Nolan had lost a daughter. That I had lost eight years of my life all because my mind had blocked it all out. It had been too much. The alone time had been selfish in a way, and I knew I was worrying everyone, but I honestly needed to just be in my own head. To get my thoughts and everything in order. I needed to process, and I couldn’t do that if everyone was standing around me asking me if I was okay.
My phone buzzed on my lap, but I didn’t bother to look and see who it was. Most likely my mother. She told me Nolan had gone back to Edwards Air Force Base since his leave was up. She also told me he wasn’t doing well. Saryn had told me the same thing. I had called her and she’d said that Truitt had to get Jack to fly Nolan back in his plane. Nolan had taken to drinking himself numb, and I honestly couldn’t blame him. I knew shutting him out was wrong, but I couldn’t get through this any other way right now. Nolan had eight years to come to terms with our baby dying. This was all new waters I was navigating, and I needed to do it by myself.
I had called Dr. Brooks and spoke with her over the phone a couple of days after I showed up at the lake house. She had explained Nolan’s reasons for not telling me. It made sense; he was worried for me and wanted the memories to come back on their own. But on the flip side, it made no sense at all that he had been willing to walk away from our love. From the life we could have had. Yes, it would have been hard to get over the loss of Amanda, but we could have done it together. He had taken that away from
us. Away from me. And what if I had never remembered? Would he have held onto the lie indefinitely?
It dawned on me right then that Nolan had said that he needed to talk to me the night of the dinner. The same night I had stumbled upon the sonogram. He’s said that what he was going to say had to do with the accident, and that he couldn’t put it off any longer.
I closed my eyes and let out a pained moan. “Oh no. He was going to tell me about Amanda.”
Why had it taken me this long to remember that Nolan had said he needed to talk to me? He was going to tell me. And hadn’t he tried to tell me the same day he told me about the plane accident? But it was me who told him to stop. I didn’t want to know anymore, because deep down inside I knew it was bad. I somehow knew, and yet, I was still attempting to block it.
“Dear God,” I whispered as I stood and stared out over the water. Had I subconsciously known and not wanted Nolan to tell me? Was my mind that powerful that I simply refused to remember? I had instantly known there was something between me and Nolan that day at Saryn and Truitt’s house. The moment he turned and I saw him, I felt the love between us. There had been no denying I felt it. Truth be told, I felt it that day in Paris too. I hadn’t been able to remember our past, but I had certainly remembered our love.
I brought my hand to my mouth and shook my head, feeling so dazed and confused. “Nolan, what have we done to each other?”
Suddenly, I had the overwhelming urge to talk to Nolan. I turned and grabbed my phone from the table I had placed it on. There was an unread text message. I gasped when I saw who it was from.
Nolan: I’ll be back in Texas tomorrow afternoon. I miss you. I love you, and I wish you would talk to me.
I stared at his message for what seemed like forever. How in the world was he heading back to Texas? His leave had ended. Had he asked for more time? A wave of guilt washed over me knowing the hell I had put him through.
Glancing out over the lake once more, I drew in a deep, cleansing breath and slowly let it out. Nolan had grieved the loss of our daughter for far too long without me. It was time we faced this together. It was time I stopped hiding out.
I hit his number, and it went straight to voicemail. He had either turned off his phone, or he was flying. I knew if I tried to leave a message I would cry, so I hung up.
Glancing down once more, I typed my reply.
Me: I miss you too, and I love you, Nolan. I love you so very much.
After I sent the message, I called my mother.
“Linnzi, are you okay? Nolan is beside himself that you’re not reaching out to him.”
“I am, and I’m sorry if I worried everyone. Mom, I got a text from Nolan. He said he was coming back to Texas. Did he get an extended leave?”
“Something like that, darling, I’m not sure. He’ll be back tomorrow afternoon. Oh, sweetheart, I wish you would come home. Please, let us explain.”
I walked back into the house and shut the sliding door. “Mom, would you and Daddy come and pick me up? I’d like to come home now.”
“Yes! Yes, of course. Where are you?” she asked.
“I’m staying at a lake house on Canyon Lake. It belongs to someone Ryan Night knows.”
“Ryan Night? He’s known where you’ve been this entire time and he didn’t tell anyone?”
With a sigh, I said, “Mom, I needed time, and Ryan understood that. Can we not get into that right now and deal with the other things on the table first?”
She didn’t answer for a few moments. Finally, she sighed and said, “Drop me your location and we’ll leave now.”
I smiled. “You know how to do that?”
She huffed. “I’m not that old, Linnzi.”
I walked into the main bedroom of the house and grabbed my duffle bag. “You’re right, you aren’t, Momma. I’ll see you when y’all get here.”
“Okay, sweetheart. We’ll be there as soon as we can.”
I hit End and quickly started to pack up the few things I had. I picked up the picture frame of me, Amanda, and Nolan and hugged it to my chest as I sat down on the bed. I was so tired of crying, yet my tears fell once more.
Sobbing, I said, “I’m so sorry, baby girl. I’m so sorry I forgot you.”
The drive home from Canyon Lake to Boerne was silent. After my parents hugged me and made sure I was okay, I asked them if we could hold off on talking until we got home. The last thing I wanted to do was talk in the car. I was just ready to leave the lake house and get back home.
Daddy pulled up and parked, and I stepped out of his truck and stood and looked at the house. We had moved here when I was fourteen. My parents had wanted to move from Austin to a smaller town. I had hated them for taking me from my friends, but the moment I saw Nolan, I knew it was fate that brought us here. I had played hard to get for a while, only because I was so worried about dating someone as handsome as Nolan. Even at fourteen, he had girls falling all over him. After a while, he broke my defenses down, and I knew the moment he kissed me that I was going to be with him for the rest of my life. He was the other half of my soul, and even in Paris, I knew he was out there…waiting.
“Ready?” my mother asked as she walked up next to me. My father had taken the duffle bag and started for the house already.
With a nod, I wrapped my arm around my mother’s and we walked inside. I headed to the kitchen and put on a pot of water for tea.
It appeared my folks were going to wait for me to make the first move in this conversation. So, I did. “I hope you both understand why I left.”
They nodded. “Are you angry with us, Linnzi?” my mother asked.
I took in a breath and held it for a moment before I exhaled. “I was at first, but not just angry with y’all and Nolan. I was mad at myself.”
Both of their eyes went wide with surprise. “Why?” Daddy asked.
I slid onto a bar stool and looked up at the ceiling before focusing back on them. “How do you forget your own child?”
“Linnzi—” my mother started.
I held up a hand and shook my head. “Let me get this out, Mom. The whole time I was in Paris, I knew…I knew Nolan was out there. I may not have been able to put a name or a face to him, but he came to me in my dreams every night. I never once dreamt about Amanda. Never once dreamt about being pregnant. And I know how much I longed for her. How desperately I wanted to start a family with Nolan. Yet I blocked her from my mind completely.”
I swallowed the sudden lump in my throat and looked down at where my hands lay in my lap. “I was so afraid to remember that feeling of loss that I simply shut down that part of my mind.” I let out a humorless laugh.
My mother cleared her throat before she spoke. “The doctors told us that you blocked Nolan for that very reason. He was so afraid that if you saw him again or remembered him that it would trigger that moment for you. He said it was the worst moment of his life, and he didn’t want you to have to live it all over again.”
“Well, he didn’t have the luxury of forgetting it, so I’m not sure why he felt like he needed to give that space to me.”
“He loves you, Linnzi. And at the time, we all thought it was the right thing to do. We figured it would maybe be a few weeks, a couple of months. The doctors told us to be prepared for you to ask about the accident. You never did, though. Not a single question. Then six months turned into a year. That turned into two,” my mom said. “When you left for France, Nolan…he sort of lost himself for a while. He signed up for test pilot school and started to do dangerous things. Your father and I knew why. That boy has lost so much in his short life. His parents, his daughter, you. He needed something to take him away, and he found it—I’m just not sure it gave him the relief he was seeking.”
My father cleared his throat and added, “Your mother and I sometimes wondered if he wasn’t walking the line in hopes that…I don’t even want to say it.”
“No, he wouldn’t do that,” I said. “I think he needed the adrenaline rush to forget. Nolan
lost more than any of us.”
“You’re not angry with him?” my mother asked, hope lacing her voice.
With a half shrug, I replied, “I’m not angry at the decision he made at the time. I am, however, angry that he let it go on for as long as he did. We could have…we would have moved on together. Healed together. Maybe even had another baby or two.”
“You still can!” my mother said. “Linnzi, you’re still young. You can still have all of that.”
I gave her a soft smile. “I’m not going to leave him, Mom. I love him. Nolan makes me feel…”
My voice trailed off, and this time I covered my mouth to hold back the sob that bubbled up in my throat. After I composed myself, I went on. “He makes me feel complete. I know he blames himself for the accident. This past week, everything he’s done since I came back from France has replayed in my mind. Every gesture he’s made, everything he said to me. When Nolan flew us back from California and he landed here in Texas, I saw the fear on his face and I pretended like I didn’t. At the time I don’t think I even realized it. But looking back, I didn’t even think twice about how hard that had been for him. I’ve been through a gauntlet of emotions this past week and honestly, I see why I blocked it all out. But it’s time to move forward. I want to be with Nolan, and I know I just moved back and I have a wonderful job opportunity, but I need to be with Nolan. When he comes back I’m going to ask him to marry me, and I’m moving to California to be with him.”
My mother and father exchanged a quick glance, then looked back at me. My father spoke first, and I could hear the love in his voice. “We will support you with whatever decision you make, sweetheart.”
Nodding her head in agreement, my mother added, “Yes. We, um, well, we don’t want to see you leave us, but we are behind you one-hundred percent.”
I stood and made my way over to them. My father pulled me in for a hug and held me for the longest time. “I love you, sweetheart. I’m so sorry, baby girl. So sorry.”
Take Me Away Page 19