Bad Boys of the Kingdom

by Rob Jones

  “I also would like to pay for whatever the car behind me is ordering.”

  “Well, that is mighty kind of you,” the man said.

  “Yes, I’m feeling mighty kind, it’s all good.” Ethan beamed a smile at him because his heart was soaring about last night with Zoe, and his date with her tonight.

  “Your total is $15.24.”

  Ethan gave him a twenty-dollar bill. “Keep the change, my man, and may you experience a once-in-a-lifetime epic romance.” The man shot him an ‘Are you kidding?’ look as Ethan drove off.

  “Here you go, my brothers,” he said when he arrived to practice. “I got you some black oil to wake you fools up. We have a long practice ahead of us today, and I want us to get off to a good start.” Ethan held out a Styrofoam cup holder with the coffee cups in it.

  “What got into you, Gandhi? You hardly ever get coffee for us, bro. You must have deflowered some unexpected, hot, and innocent mall dweller after work last night.” Owen smiled while he reached for a cup. “Details, please.”

  “Yeah details, details.” They all clamored with anticipation in their eyes.

  “No, no, no, nothing like that at all. My days of being a free agent are over with. One-night stands and parading around endless beautiful women are a thing of the past. I am abandoning my wicked ways and I’m cleaving to the most enthralling, compelling, most enchanting woman I’ve ever met. She is second to none. I am completely and totally riveted by her. Put a fork in me, boys, I’m done.”

  “Get out of here with that nonsense. You and I are the same. We’re incapable of being true to just one girl. Our adventurous palates live and hunger for variety,” Owen protested.

  “Who is this life-changing angel?” Wes asked.

  “It’s Zoe Edwards, ain’t it?” Ligon asked with a noticeable frown.

  “Yeah, it’s Zoe Edwards. I asked her out and she said yes.” Ethan did not disclose to them that they’d kissed. He wanted to keep that close to the vest, to have as his own private joy.

  “I can’t believe it. She finally took pity on you and gave in to your groveling and begging.” Ligon’s grin was laced with disappointment. “You’re lucky I didn’t have time to pursue her like I planned to. She would be in my arms right now.”

  “If you say so.”

  “Seriously though, congratulations, bro. She is a treasure and I hope you two find happiness in each other.” They clasped hands and gave each other half hugs as Ligon’s face soured.

  “Thanks, Lig. Well, let’s get to rocking, boys.”

  They ran through their set of songs over and over again with a relentless focus and a sense of purpose, pushing each other so they could get the best out of each other while trying to simulate what they would do on stage at their next show.

  “I have an idea for the last chorus on this song,” Ligon suggested while he dripped with sweat. “Let’s modulate it up a half step, so that it can have that beautiful lift and soar to a different level.”

  “That’s why I keep you around, Lig. That is a great idea, some sweet ear candy for our faithful followers,” Ethan said. “Okay, let’s start First Blood at the beginning and see how that will sound, and after that we can call it a wrap.”

  “Oh, before we finish I would like to show you guys two songs that I wrote last night, which I think will give us a unique and different sound from all the other bands.” Wes twirled a drumstick effortlessly in between his fingers.

  “Aw, that’s cute and admirable, Wes. I appreciate your enthusiasm and your vigor for wanting to contribute to the songwriting in the band, but with all due respect, let’s leave the songwriting to me, please,” Ethan responded with an unbending look.

  “As the old saying goes, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. The formula that we have has been working just fine, that’s why we are in the position we’re in now, having our song playing on the radio and having people from the record company seeking us out so they can sign us, something that we all have been dreaming of from day one.” He wheeled the cord of the microphone that he was holding.

  “So let us all stay in our lanes, do what we do best, and enjoy this journey. You are an amazing rock drummer. In fact, no one can touch you when it comes to banging those skins.” He gestured to Wes. “So keep drumming.”

  Color rushed to Wes’s face as he narrowed his eyes.

  “Now that we have that straightened out, let’s take this song to another level.” They played the song the way Ligon suggested several times before they ended practice.

  “I am hungry enough to eat a frozen dog. You guys want to grab some lunch?” Ligon suggested while they were breaking down their equipment.

  “I can tear into some cow. Let’s go to Logan’s Steakhouse,” Owen said. They all agreed.

  “Guys, I don’t know how long my marriage can stay afloat.” Wes took a deep drag from his cigarette while they all walked to Logan’s. “We argue and fight more than Al Capone and Bugs Moran, and if things keep escalating, you might witness another St. Valentine’s Day Massacre and find her lording over my cold dead body with a smile on her face, a Beretta in one hand, and a glass of scotch in the other.”

  “Dude you should have gotten off that crazy train a long time ago. I told you before you married her that she has some cracks in the pavement.” Ligon shook his head with a pitiful look on his face. “I know she is fine as wine, but we all know that it’s those spoiled beautiful ones that have the most bats in the cave. I remember when we all went to Mardi Gras, she got hammered on the plane and as soon as she got off of it she started flashing everyone at the airport.”

  “Yeah I remember that. That was the moment I fell in love with her.” Wes looked up and smiled, as if he was reflecting on the moment.

  “Yes, she was on full tilt the whole time we were there, going up to guys and kissing them in front of their girlfriends, getting on top of bars and having people do body shots off of her, walking down the street cussing out those nuns because when she looked at their outfits they made her uncomfortable and hot. And let us not forget when that elderly couple came knocking on our door and told us that they found her in their hotel room passed out in their tub just wearing one shoe with the shower on. For the life of me I don’t know how she got into their room,” Ligon said with a puzzled look.

  “I know she has a combustible personality,” Wes said.

  “And don’t forget a high volume for drama,” Owen added.

  “But those are the reasons I was drawn to her, that I fell in love with her. It’s her adventurous appetite. It’s contagious and causes me to be adventurous. Also she motivated me to join this band. She is all the things that I am not, and everything I want to be.” He took a last drag from his cigarette, then flicked it to the ground.

  “But I think that being married and having Vandrick has quenched her fire for life and her happiness, so now she is lost. She doesn’t know who she is, and that frustration is being taken out on me.”

  “It’s time to lighten the mood. Here, take a swig of this.” Ligon took out a flask from his back pocket. “You are bumming me and everyone else here out with your dire domestic issues.”

  “Is this why you kept going to the bathroom at practice, because you were tugging on this?” Wes held up the flask.

  “Like I need to go to the bathroom and hide out to drink like I’m a freaking junior high kid. Get real.”

  “I wasn’t insinuating that. I’m saying you didn’t want to share it and that’s why you went in there, you two-dollar lush.”

  “Give me that back!” Ligon reached for the flask.

  “No, no, get away, get away! It’s mine, all mine, and I’m drinking it all, you lush!” Wes laughed then started running from Ligon, holding the flask up high over his head and taking generous sips from it.

  “Oh no, not these degenerates,” the restaurant manager complained with a thick Italian accent when he saw Ethan blowing him a kiss when he and Owen, Wes, and Ligon walked into the restaurant.

  �
��There is no smoking in here, you guys know this.”

  “Oh, sorry, Chef Boyardee.” Ligon constricted his eyes at the manager, took one satisfying and lengthy drag, then dropped the cigarette on the floor and crushed it under his shoe.

  “Chef Boyardee, we need a table for four, please.”

  “First of all my name is Miguel and you know this already, so please quit calling me Chef Boyardee. Second of all, we can’t afford to have you guys coming in here behaving like reprobates, running off our customers by taking their food and insulting their children, and our staff.”

  “We promise to be on our very best behavior, Mr. Boyardee.” Ethan held up three fingers, giving the Boy Scout’s honor sign.

  “You better, because the last time you guys were here two of my best servers quit after you two got in a fight and you accidently stabbed Bill with a fork.” He looked at Ligon and Ethan.

  “Yeah, my bad, that fork was meant for this guy.” Ethan pointed his thumb toward Ligon.

  “Now what did we do that made the other server quit? We had a lot to drink the last time we were here, so some things are a little foggy,” Owen interjected.

  “You made Mike cry by insulting him every time he walked by. You were saying he looked like one of those cavemen from that Geico commercial, then you said that he was so ugly that when he looked out of his car window he got arrested for mooning.” They all broke out with jovial laughter, including Miguel.

  “None of us are drunk or have been drinking. Much.” Ligon paused between words. “So everyone here should be safe for now.” He snickered.

  They walked in to be greeted with dirty, condescending glances from some of the customers because of their boisterous looks and behavior. Ethan, who still had his sunglasses on, caught the wandering eye and warm smile of a woman in a gray business suit who was sitting across from a guy who he assumed was her boyfriend. Ethan was about to pucker up his lips and flirt with her but he stopped himself with thoughts of Zoe.

  He was taken off guard by his sudden self-discipline. How reciprocating a flirtatious response just felt emotionally profitless and futile. A week ago, heck even a day ago, he would have sat right next to the lady with the gray business suit and begun to kiss her and charm her with sweet, effective words, and would have told the boyfriend that this was how you ignite and strike passion in the heart of a woman of such beauty. Then he would have told him you’re welcome and left with her. But now all that he wanted to do was to capture Zoe’s affection, Zoe’s heart, Zoe’s love. Everything else failed in comparison. This was uncharted waters for him and he was unsure if he could swim in them.

  They all sat in a booth, ordered some food and drinks, and began to discuss the future of the band. After a while they began to get loud and obnoxious from all the beers and Long Island iced teas they had consumed. A plump man who looked like he was in his late fifties gave them a look of disdain as he walked past them to go to the restroom. Ethan and Ligon witnessed the look from the man.

  “You thinking what I’m thinking?” Ligon whispered in Ethan’s ear. Ethan nodded, then they started giggling like two girls at a sleepover. They got up and casually strolled toward the restroom. Ethan opened the door slowly. “Shh.” He looked back at Ligon with his index finger to his lips. They walked in and scanned the restroom. All of the stall doors were open except for one. Ethan squatted down next to the closed stall and tilted his head to see if the plump man was sitting on the toilet. He found him there looking at his iPhone. Ethan looked up at Ligon with a smile.

  Ethan got up with his nose in between his thumb and index finger, trying not to inhale the intrusive odor. He mouthed to Ligon, go ahead and do it. They tiptoed into the stall that was next to the man. Ligon reached into his pocket and pulled out some firecrackers that were tied together. He took out a cheap blue lighter, lit the firecrackers, and threw them underneath the stall where the man was sitting.

  The firecrackers went off and the man started yelling at the top of his lungs. He dropped his iPhone in the toilet because he was so startled, and pushed open the stall door, trying to run with his pants down by his ankles. He fell twice trying to get out of the bathroom.

  Out in the dining room, Ethan heard the uproar and screams of the customers because they thought someone was shooting when they heard the firecrackers. Miguel ran to the bathroom in a heated rush, flung opened the bathroom door and accidently hit the man in the face. During all of this commotion, Ligon and Ethan hid in a stall and stood on the toilet, laughing hysterically with tears streaming down their faces.

  Miguel aggressively opened the stall door, red-faced and eyes darkened, fuming with volcanic heat when he saw Ethan and Ligon. “Get out! Get out, get out now! Don’t you ever step foot in here again!” He gestured toward the bathroom door. “If you come within fifty yards of this place, I will personally shoot you where you stand. If I hear that you are thinking about coming within fifty yards of this place, I will personally shoot you where you stand. If you are dreaming about coming within fifty yards of this place, I will personally shoot you where you stand in your dreams!”

  “Ah, come on, Miguel, nobody got hurt. Where is your sense of humor?” Ligon, with a prideful grin, lightly tapped Miguel on the cheek as he and Ethan passed by him.

  The plump man was on all fours, breathing heavily and coughing from the smoke of the firecrackers. Miguel guided him to his feet and apologized profusely to the man. He threatened to press charges against Ligon and Ethan, so Miguel convinced him that the police wouldn’t be much help, so Miquel massaged the situation by telling him his meal would be free and gave him a few twenty-dollar gift cards for good measure. Miguel escorted them all out of the restaurant.

  “Man, I can’t take you two idiots anywhere. You guys are bad for no reason,” Owen said in a humorous manner. “You guys got us kicked out of our favorite after-practice restaurant.”

  “Well, at least we didn’t have to pay for the food and drinks,” Ligon retorted.

  “Your band freaking sucks big time!” Two guys in a blue Ford pickup yelled out at them with southern accents.

  “That’s not what your girlfriend told me last night, loser!” Ligon responded. “Come back and say it to my face, you slack-jawed inbred, you!”

  “They’re gone, they can’t hear you, bro,” Ethan said, interrupting Ligon’s outburst.

  “Well, we can look at it like this. At least they recognized us,” Wes interjected.

  “Really, Wes, that’s how you’re going to respond to those pig impregnators?” Ligon was still seething. “You need to check your testosterone levels or get your manhood out of Keira’s purse, because that’s not how a man that has been disrespected claps back.”

  “How about I clap back on your face!”

  “If you’re feeling froggy, jump, son. I’m right here. I ain’t going nowhere.” Ligon pressed his forehead against Wes’s forehead. Owen got in between them before the situation escalated out of control.

  “Simmer down, boys. We’ve had enough fun for today. There’s no need to get your panties up in a bunch.” Owen stood in the middle, extending his arms like a UFC referee.

  “Are we cool?” Rapid breathing and traffic going by was all that was heard. “I said, are we cool?” Owen raised his voice with force.

  “Yeah, we cool,” Wes and Ligon muttered together.

  “Now hug it out because we are all boys, heck, we’re family.” They gave a quick half-hearted hug.

  “On that note, I’m going to leave you all to it. I have a hot date with a hot girl. Peace.” Ethan walked with haste to his car.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Zoe

  “This maybe a little too serious. Hmm, I don’t know, this one might be a little too much fun. What about this here? He might get the wrong idea with this one.” Zoe held up several different outfits in the mirror, trying to decide what she should wear on her first date with Ethan.

  “Oh sugars, this one makes me look like a nun in training. Ugh, I don’t know
what to wear!” Her voice rose to a high pitch. She tossed the outfit aside.

  Why was she so nervous about this date? It wasn’t as if she hadn’t been on a date before. Granted, it had only been two official dates, but still, even on her very first date she wasn’t nearly as nervous as she was now. Maybe this was God’s way of letting her know that this was a mistake, or maybe her heart had been exposed to something real and authentic, something that could blossom into, dare she say, love. All that she knew was that her heart had never beat as loud as this, as fast as this, never felt as alive as this.

  She sat on her bed, pursed her lips, and looked through her bedroom window. There she saw two house finches flirting with one another under the gaze of an evening sun. A much needed smile interposed on her pursed lips as she remembered what she had once read about the nature of house finches, how they were monogamous creatures that loved with a purpose, with a singular motive.

  She gazed in bewilderment at them as they danced freely in between trees, powerlines, and her thoughts. She believed that they were expressing a love that echoed from eternity, to give humans a glimpse of what true love should be like, or what true love can be like, of what true love might be like for her.

  Her phone vibrated on her nightstand. It was a text from Ethan.

  Ethan: Hey, angel cake, I will be there around 5:00 if that’s all right with you?

  Zoe sighed with disapproval when she saw angel cake on the text. She thought that she had already established that she was not fond of that ridiculous nickname.

  “He is incorrigible.” She texted him back.

  Zoe: 5:00 will be fine. Where are we going? I want to dress properly for the occasion.

  Ethan: You could be wearing a sackcloth made out of goat hair and still would put to shame a garden of roses. Wear what makes you feel comfortable, I got you.