A Burning Problem
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A Burning Problem
David S Reynolds
Copyright 2012 David S Reynolds
Cover by
David S Reynolds
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A Burning Problem
Also by David S Reynolds
WARNING!!!
This is a work of satire. It is meant to slap your notions upside the head and point out some problems with the education reform act known as No Child Left Behind. If you lack any measurable humor or have thin skin, get out now!
Still with me?
Don’t say I didn’t warn ya!
A Burning problem
We have a problem in this nation. Fires in small buildings close to fire stations are being put out quickly and fires in large buildings far away from fire stations are taking longer to be put out and need more manpower. This is unacceptable. All Fires should be put out in an average amount of time with the same number of personnel.
How did this problem come about? A large part of the problem is the firefighters themselves. These people are basically lazy, taking a job simply so they could have all that time in between fires to sit around and do nothing. Many firefighters would not be able to succeed in the real world. An un-reasonable union that makes it all but impossible to fire firefighters protects these sub-standard firefighters. If one looks at the living conditions in a firehouse a very communal environment exists. Obviously these people are socialist looking to assault the American way of life. Last and even more disturbing, most firefighters are men and they seem to make a lot of calendars with pictures of themselves without shirts on.
In order to combat this issue of inefficient fire fighting reform is needed. If this nation continues to ignore the problem of wasted firefighting resources we risk our future. It is imperative that we not ask the firefighters themselves as they doubtless would have no real insight on firefighting and would simply support the status quo. Somebody needs to ask the important question –
“Is our fires burning rightly?”
To solve this problem I suggest a large-scale government intervention that will streamline the firefighting process and ensure that all fires, single alarm and twelve alarm, are all fought the same. This program shall be called No Fire Left to Burn. (NFLB)
NFLB is a simple program based on the lessons of the industrial revolution of the early 1900’s and brings the full power of such great innovations as the assembly line combined with management ideas taken from the banking industry used during the 1990s and 2000s. Some of the components of NFLB are as follows –
*Every fire is to be fought on the same timetable with the same number of firefighters. Fires that are going out too quickly are to be left to burn unattended to maintain the timetable. Crews that let a fire burn too long will receive extra training.
*A crew is to stop fighting a fire every 10 minutes to assess the progress of the fire using a 500-question benchmark test. In order to guard against bias an independent contractor in the next city will evaluate this test.
*Should a 10-minute assessment come back out of spec, the firefighters are to stop fighting and form a committee that is to submit a report on how to return the fire to schedule. Because the assessment is graded out of town it will take a minimum of three days for the results to be returned to the firefighters. Results of previous fires may impact the fighting of current fires. This is expected and acceptable.
*Should a fire department have ten consecutive fires that do not meet benchmark goals they are to carry monitors with them to each fire until thirty consecutive fires are fought with acceptable benchmark assessments. Before fighting each fire these monitored crews are to submit an Individual Fire Plan (IFP) that must be accepted by the monitors before work can start. This IFP is a standardized form that insures all fires are fought the same.
*If the benchmarks are not met or the IFP’s are not followed or filed correctly after five consecutive fires with monitors the entire crew is to be laid off. This is to be done for the morale of all other crews in the area.
*Firefighters are to attend weekly three-hour development meetings. For the sake of efficiency, every crew is to have the meeting on the same day at the same time. During this development meeting crews are not to go out on any calls.
*Performance based pay – Crews that consistently make benchmarks receive bonuses. These bonuses are to help offset the base poverty rate pay. Crews that miss benchmarks are to be punished with pay cuts. This pay structure will attract and retain only the best firefighters.