The Mayor of Noobtown

by Ryan Rimmel

“Aren’t I supposed to have some equipment?” I asked.

  Shart focused for a moment. “No, you started with some rough linen underclothes, but you are supposed to get your gear from your initial quests.”

  “I’m flapping in the breeze here,” I stated.

  “Probably burnt up on reentry then,” replied Shart.

  “And where are those quests?” I grumbled.

  “Well, here’s the thing,” replied the demon, “I don’t think we landed in the beginner village, because there we’d have found some other adventurers right away. I can’t sense anyone nearby, but there is a village over there. Hopefully we’ll either find someone to give you a quest where you can get some basic equipment… or we’ll just find some basic equipment on the way. You’re fighting with a stick; almost anything would be an improvement.”

  “Great,” I said. “The last time I fought with a stick, I kicked a demon’s ass.”

  Shart glared, and I could sense my downfall being plotted through the bond.

  Chapter 3: Road to the Village

  Name: Jim

  Hit Points: 45

  Stamina: 40

  Mana: 20

  Class: Warrior 1

  Strength: (+1) Above Average

  Dexterity: Average

  Endurance:(+1) Above Average

  Willpower: Average

  Spirit: Average

  Charisma: Average

  Skills:

  Demon Lore (2001 SP) amateur

  Unarmored (2 SP) unskilled

  Light Armor (100SP) amateur

  Medium Armor (150SP) amateur

  Shields (100 SP) amateur

  Martial Weapons (10 SP) amateur

  Simple Weapons (12 SP) amateur

  Staff (2 SP) Rank 0

  Hiking (5sp) unskilled

  Stealth (1sp) unskilled

  I continued walking towards the village for what seemed like forever, though was assured by my demonic companion that the village couldn’t be that much farther. Shart proved both invaluable and useless in this. He knew right where he was and where he wanted us to go, but he tended to think like someone who could fly. Because he could not do so, we kept finding dead ends in the most ridiculous places. As I could not fly, our journey rapidly devolved into my wandering trip.

  “You are the worst Bitch in a Box ever,” I said with some confidence, for we came to the first real rise, which was terrible. It was 30 feet of loose stone and dirt that seemed to defy any effort at climbing it. I had initially thought we were going to just skirt past it but soon realized that Shart had intended for us, okay me, to climb it. Thus, began my hour long ordeal where I learned the difference between hatred and loathing.

  Under the blistering sun I toiled. It was slow going, and Shart’s under his breath critiques of my climbing abilities and physique were not what I would call helpful. After a dusty, 15-foot slip down into weeds, Shart grumbled a “Fuck this shit,” and gathered himself for a leap. He grunted, like a tiny pig straining to take a shit three times his size and rose in the air. He honestly reminded me of an ill mosquito as he swayed a bit uncontrollably, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t fantasize about knocking him from the sky with a special demon killing fly swatter. Eventually, he found a landing spot far from me.

  “Uh oh,” Shart called from his new perch high above me, after my 5th attempt to get up a particularly tall rise in the virgin forest. Due to the tall trees, I hadn’t even noticed we were literally walking into a cliff until after we got there. Then Shart, in his infinite wisdom, told me this was the only way up. He had taken a slow, methodical flight to the top of the rise and had told me I could do it. Seeing as I’m an idiot, I agreed and tried to climb my way to safety.

  There were two problem I had discovered. One, my Demonic lie detector failed if Shart actually thought he was telling the truth. So, he honestly thought that I could climb this 30-foot-tall cliff without any equipment at all. However, I could not climb a 30-foot-tall cliff. Such a climb would be impossible, even if the surface was rough and scattered with roots. Secondly, Shart was an asshole.

  However, Shart had the map and this was the best way to go. He was genuine in his assurance of this. Knowing he was being honest, I decided that I’d better figure out a way to navigate upwards. So far, I’d gotten over 12 SP for crafting due to some particularly ineptly made ropes and grappling hooks.

  But ‘uh oh’ was new. Sure, Shart had been enjoying himself, calling down to me from the top, heckling me like you would a bad comic. He’d even caught the last ‘rope’ and tied it on for me. When it subsequently snapped as I was climbing, causing me to fall and suffer 8 hp of damage for the first time which I’ll write off as highly unpleasant, it wasn’t even his fault. I just couldn’t make ropes out of vines to save my life.

  Who could tell what ‘uh oh’ meant, so I turned around.

  Starting player forests were often occupied by low level creatures designed to help starting characters level up. They typically minded their own business until the player attacked them; only then would they fight for their lives. Wolves were often one of those creatures.

  They didn’t typically come out in pairs, however, and neither of them looked particularly willing to mind their own business. I could tell this due to my astute senses. The fact that they were both growing and walking towards me with all their teeth bared was another good clue. In my previous life, I wouldn't have given myself odds on even one wolf. In this place, with my enhanced body, I’d certainly give myself a chance vs one.

  Although, I seriously doubted they would take turns.

  Glancing around, I realized there was a spot that I could duck back into that would only allow only one of the wolves to attack me at a time. I MIGHT be able to manage that. However, at my glance, the second wolf ran there, cutting me off from my avenue of escape.

  I examined the first wolf for a moment, but I couldn’t see a health bar or his stats; there was no way to know how powerful he was. I lunged forward with my staff, swinging at it. The wolf danced backwards as his mate rushed in from behind me, trying to snap at my ankle. I pulled it away at the last second and swung the staff wildly at her, smacking her on the side.

  I tried to move towards a wall. Theoretically, with my back up against a wall, it would be easier to defend. In practice, the wall was pretty long and they were attacking from both sides; it wasn’t really a perfect system. It might give me an opening though, so I began to move while I swung my staff wildly at both of them.

  The Alpha wolf lunged and I swung at his head. There was a meaty smack, and the wolf jerked away. My momentary triumph fled an instant later when his mate grabbed my ankle and began to tear at it. I screamed, pain was pain and that hurt. I swung my staff at it awkwardly and hit the side of its head. Other than an all too brief slightly stunned look, the blow didn’t seem to bother her much.

  This distraction allowed the larger wolf to recover and he prepared to lunge at me. I was terribly out of position and had just managed to strike the female wolf in the head enough times so that she was considering releasing my savaged leg. I was down 15 hit points from her gnawing on me, so far. That meant I was down 23 total, leaving me with only 17. With the bigger wolf about to attack again, I had to imagine the possibility of it doing more than 17 points of damage to my head.

  Suddenly, I heard a whoosh of air, like a long, pent up fart, and Shart flew directly in front of the wolf. At some point, the little demon must have surmised my desperation and flown down from the rise. The massive alpha wolf snapped its powerful jaw and the demon caught the blow like a special brand of rotting meat shield. Shart was approximately the size of a basketball, so the wolf proceeded to shake him quite vigorously, causing black drops of demonic blood to fly everywhere. Shart had 400 hit points; “had” being the operative word, because the wolf was doing 20 or so damage every few seconds.

  I had a moment of time. The female wolf, not realizing that her mate was distracted, decided to adjust her bite position. This allow
ed me to yank my leg away. Suddenly, free of worrying about the larger wolf, I managed to smash her with my staff, twice. The first was to her shoulder which staggered her; the second hit was square on top of her skull. A meaty crunching sound ended the wolf.

  The larger wolf released Shart when his mate fell and growled more fiercely. It stomped towards me, so I swung my staff at its head. The wolf caught it in its mouth and tore the weapon away from me, snapping it to flinders between his jaws.

  Staggering back a few more feet, I got ready for the inevitable life ending attack. However, the wolf slowed after a few more paces and then fell to its side, twitching Grabbing half of my ruined staff, I went to drive it into the creature’s heart, but small wisps of smoke were already leaving its flesh.

  The wolf erupted in fire, forcing me back several more paces as I scrambled away.

  With the wolves dealt with, I moved back over to Shart. He was a bloody mangled ruin, with over half of his hit points gone. I picked him up carefully, as more blood than he should have been able to hold was streaming everywhere and began looking at his wounds. He had a bleed effect on him that would cause another 20 or so points of damage, I realized. Still, he was probably okay.

  “What happened to the wolf?” I asked shaking some of the demon’s blood from my hands.

  “I got him for ya,” stated Shart. “Stupid animal didn’t realize my blood is pure poison”.

  I dropped Shart.

  He took 2 points of falling damage.

  Chapter 4: Base of the Ridge

  “I’m not poisonous to you,” he stated a few minutes later.

  I was still busy binding my wounds using leaves and anything else I could think of to prevent bleeding. I had dropped to fewer than 10 hit points after the wolf’s bleed effect on me expired, which was as close to death as I’d ever come.

  Well, discounting my weakness against trucks.

  Healing 10 times faster apparently meant very little if you had a large, open wound. Any actual injury required first aid, which so far had netted me over 200 skill points. First aid was a common skill and actually provided some benefit even if you were untrained. Unfortunately, it required 250 SP to get to Novice level, and while both Shart and I had been terribly injured, we weren’t quite there. Yet.

  After I bound the wounds, I found out that you gained roughly one hit point back every ten hours. I was down 33. This would normally indicate that I was due for nearly a week of healing bedrest. However, I had two things going for me. First, my buffed stats, both Strength and Endurance, factored into healing. I would normally recover 2 Hit points every 8 hours. The second thing was my demonic regeneration, which further increased that by a factor of 10. I’d be at full hit points in just over 8 hours.

  Magic worked better, but I didn’t know any magic and Shart didn’t have any mana. Despite his MUCH higher hit point total, his stats were utterly terrible. They were all either below average or way below average in all cases. Even with demonic regeneration, he only healed about 16 HP per day. His mana was worse; there was no demonic mana regeneration. Due to his condition, he only recovered about one mana per day.

  “We draw mana,” stated Shart, “we don’t regenerate it very fast otherwise.”

  “Would you having a full mana pool help our current situation?” I asked.

  “No. Most of my buff spells won’t affect you because of your level. Your Unbound effect doesn’t let me do things to you like that. I don’t know any healing magic because, when I’m at full power, I regenerate on a per second basis.”

  “Must be nice,” I said, finishing the bandage on my ruined ankle. I focused on my character sheet to see how long this would take to heal.

  Name: Jim

  Hit Points 8

  Lingering Injury: Ankle -25% movement, 17 hp

  “What’s a lingering injury?” I asked.

  “The wolf has a long-term effect on you,” replied the demon, “You have to recover that many hit points before the lingering effect wears off.”

  Groaning inwardly, I considered the timeframe That was just a bit under 8 hours. Actually, it was 6 hours and 48 minutes on the nose. While I’d initially found the ability to count the literal seconds of an effect down, I found the details less disturbing as time went on. I got a hit point back every 24 minutes.

  “Do the injury penalties stack, or do they all heal at once?” I asked as I tended my injuries.

  “They stack; you have to heal each one individually. I have multiple injuries, in case you care. Some lingering wounds have status effects, while others reduce your maximum hit point total. In either case, until the wound fully recovers, those hit points must be spent to clear the wound. Afterwards, you have to regain the hit points again. I have two of those. My maximum hit points are seriously down.”

  So, if I’d had a 10 point lingering wound that affected my maximum hit points, I’d have to heal the 10 points to bring my max from 30 to 40. Then, I would need to heal those 10 newly open hit points. That was brutal.

  “What happens if I die?” I asked, as I tightened another bandage.

  “I don’t know, and I don’t want to find out,” replied Shart, “You are my ticket out of here. If you die, the demonic bond should fade from you. My problem is that I can’t enter the Demon Door without someone else opening it. That’s a pretty rare occurrence.”

  We sat in silence for a few more minutes as I tried to weave another rope. I’d attempted to skin the wolf, but without anything sharp, I’d given up pretty quickly. The male wolf was a lost cause; it was a smoldering ruin.

  The wolf meat was decent, if a bit gamey. It tasted of demonic spices, which I was also immune to.

  Chapter 5: In the Woods.

  I woke up about 7 hours later. I’d recovered an additional 17 hit points which cleared my lingering wound however due to the 17 point lingering wound, I was only recovered to 15 hit points so overall I Was pretty miserable. However, at this point I felt much more confident that I’d live. Shart didn’t sleep so he’d watched over me the whole time, like a fat ugly guard dog.

  Deciding that we’d have to go around even if it did take longer, I started tracing the cliff wall that the gorge had cut through. The wall went on and on. However, because of the change of terrain, the forest was less dense here. It was far easier to move forward, even with the little ball of shit back at his post on my shoulder. Shart could sense wolves if he tried, and I kept a keen eye out for anything as we moved. After a few hours, we came to a place where a road had been obviously cut into the cliff.

  “Next time look for more of these,” I stated as we walked up the path.

  While we were walking, I got the exclamation mark again and checked to see that my staff skill had ranked up.

  Staff: Rank 1 (50 SP/ 250 SP), you can deliver a powerful blow at the cost of increased Stamina, damage +50%.

  I glanced up at Simple Weapons, but it needed 500 SP to level and it was only at 52. This meant Simple Weapons was tied to the sub skill Staff and gained a SP every time staffs did. Nice to know, I supposed.

  I was really hoping hiking would level up, but it was at 15 SP of 200. Examining the Hiking skill further, it seemed that you gained SP based on distance walked and unique natural things that you’d seen. A chart broke it down, telling me that I’d walked 10 miles and seen one natural wonder, the gorge. Taking this long to gain a level kind of sucked, but if I’d been walking on cut trails instead of deep woods, I would have made better distance. Unfortunately, there wasn’t a Skipping My Way to Grandmother’s skill (even if there had already been wolves), but I’d somehow survive.

  Class: Warrior 1 (1459/3000 XP)

  The two wolves had been worth 407 experience points, and I needed 2000 to level up again. It was looking like each level cost more than the one before it, but there didn't seem to be a pattern for skills. For class levels, it looked, as far as I could so far tell, that it cost 1000 additional experience points per level.

  In practical terms, that meant that I nee
ded to kill between 7 and 8 more wolves to level up to 2. Hopefully, that would grant me enough bonuses to make them less of a threat.

  “If you see a single animal you think I can take, alert me,” I stated to my still moaning companion. Shart had recovered more hit points, of course, but still had multiple injuries that were preventing him from healing well. I couldn’t count on him operating like a deadly chew toy again. He was really more of a busted squeaker toy, or a whiny ass toddler. An ugly whiny ass toddler.

  So, with the village only a few hours away, I started looking for other things to kill. I quickly discovered that my demonic shoulder growth, my lame ass third stick, and myself were limited. Anything small and easily killed, like baby deer and rabbits, quickly ran from me. Shart and I were going to have to make ourselves targets of predators, if I wanted something that would actually stick around for a fight.

  Briefly, I considered making a spear with a piece of rock, but I didn’t have the right kind of rock; I was also more skilled in Staff than Spear. With no good options, I continued searching the woods for game. Finally, I came upon another wolf.

  I walked into the meadow where it sat, messily devouring a rabbit. The wolf, raising its eyes to me, snarled. He began stalking me, his tasty carcass forgotten. I gripped my staff more tightly as I felt the fear sink into me again. My leg suddenly hurt more and I was painfully aware that I had only healed up to 23 hit points.

  The wolf lunged, but I blocked his jaws with my staff. This left his massive paws free, however, and his claws scratched against me as I flung him away. If I were wearing even regular clothes, I would have been fine. Instead, I was covered with dozens of small oozing scratches and I was down 2 hit points. Thankfully, the loincloth provided what little protection it could, and I was still in possession of 2 balls.