The Mayor of Noobtown

by Ryan Rimmel

  “Well, we’ll still lose if we don’t fight our best, so let’s kill some goblins.”

  Fenris nodded slowly at first, then with more conviction, before moving down the stairs to the east gate. The five men, plus Fenris, would keep the gate from burning, while we all filled the goblins with enough arrows to keep them away. As I confidently looked around, surveying the goblins with disdain, I came to where SueLeeta stood, also surveying the battlefield.

  Actually, looking at the goblins with anything other than an expression of utter confidence in their defeat was challenging, now that I’d activated War Leader. I wasn’t sure I actually liked losing control over my body like that. When I’d given orders in a crisp clear voice, it had not been my own, but rather my body acting out the motions of the plan I’d drawn up. In an indirect way, I’d been in control back then. Now, my facial muscles were locked up into an expression I had very little control over.

  “Excellent plan, Sir,” whispered SueLeeta, as I stood next to her.

  “Thank you,” I stated.

  She grinned, tearing her gaze off the battlefield to flick to me for a moment. She, too, was compelled to quickly look back at our common enemy, “You held off on showing your plan until the last minute. You let Grou’tuk start moving his troops into position and preparing to order an attack before you committed us.”

  I had indeed seen the goblin forces moving right before I activated the plan. Now, they seemed to be hesitating.

  “Interesting strategy,” she said, “Grou’tuk was ready to attack us poor unorganized defenders but, suddenly, we have a strong defensive plan. Now, he doesn’t know what to think. To top it off, there is you, and you are going to kill Grou’tuk yourself. Goblins never count the commanders in their battle calculations. All you need to do is kill the goblin leader, and we are going to win this easy.”

  I wasn’t sure how putting people places constituted a strong defensive plan, but the logic of this world was well outside my understanding. It seemed more like a last ditch Alamo type situation. However, if SueLeeta wanted to believe I had a “strong plan”, well, whatever it took for her to willingly go into battle.

  “Remember, the eastern gate of the Western Fortress,” I shouted.

  Chapter 21: Pre Battle Jitters

  We stood, eyeing each other for several more minutes. The goblin leader was adjusting his strategy and I wouldn’t respond. He’d shift it around more; I wouldn’t respond again. I was defending, ultimately, and I had some very strong defenses. Adjusting them would have exposed some holes that his fast moving Wargs might have been able to exploit. Instead, I just kept my troops in position, archers at the ready, and melee fighters where they were most likely to do some good.

  Hopefully, we’d kill enough of them on their way in that they would break. If the goblins had siege equipment, they could have peeled through the crumbling wall easily. Thankfully, they didn’t, which left me wondering what was going to happen. I could climb the crack, so, presumably, some of them could as well. Who, though? Also, in my previous battles, when the goblins had died, their Wargs usually bolted. It seemed they bolted back to Grou’tuk, who was now on the field with them. Would the Wargs stay and fight just because he was here?

  I could see the durability of the still standing partial gate at the eastern tunnel. What was left of it was not impressive. Even with the carts jammed into the hole and against the gate, it was still one of our two main weak points. Our second weak point, the crack in the wall, would be much easier to defend via the archers. As I contemplated these fragile areas, I continued to watch the goblins. They were busy shifting resources between the two unsound targets. They kept at least five attackers for the crack, but sometimes they had up to fifteen.

  Had Grou’tuk just placed troops and let it go, I probably wouldn’t have noticed anything suspicious. However, closely watching his constantly shifting troops led me to discover that there were always the same five brown Wargs assigned to attack the crack. I finally managed to activate Lore on one of them.

  Chode: Warg: Level 4

  Health: 60

  Stamina: 80

  Mana: 10

  Climbing: Novice

  Wargs are the trained hunting mounts of goblins. They are magically enhanced wolf pups that are given a special alchemical diet that causes them to grow larger and tougher than the usual breed. The diet also reinforces them, allowing them to be ridden by small humanoids. Actual abilities vary depending on the breed. These Wargs are based on mountain dogs, renowned for their sure footedness and climbing abilities.

  I hadn’t seen any Wargs with Climbing skill before. I guessed that it was a difference in breeding and that this particular breed could actually climb the badly cracked portion of the wall. I wondered how quickly. That also left 35 other Wargs for the gate. Fortunately. the gate and its blocked opening were not large enough for all of them to attack at once. Still, at least four or five at a time could probably get in to attack. That left me wondering how they were planning on breaking through the bottleneck.

  The intact gate door had just enough durability that the goblins couldn’t break through before we shot them to death. Hopefully. I considered that they might burn their way in, but it would take several minutes. Anything that kept them in the killing field outside the wall was to our advantage. Even a few minutes would buy our archers time to break them.

  Everything was going to be decided in the opening minutes of this battle. If the goblins got pushed back, they would lack the numbers to make a second attempt. Furthermore, it was getting light out; I could see the beginning of orange and yellow that heralded dawn in front of me. It was so far my experience with the goblins that they fought less well in bright light. If they stalled and waited until tomorrow night, we could fortify the wall much better. Any time they gave us strengthened our position substantially.

  Chapter 22: Battle of the Western Gate Fortress

  More time was simply not to be. Grou’tuk finally decided that I wasn’t going to bite and shifted his formation one last time. It was a configuration that was almost identical to his first formation. I knew this because I went back into menu time and carefully reviewed it, before deciding I didn’t really need to change anything in response. Had it been a more open battle, and had I been more confident with my troops, I might have changed something. Perhaps, I could have come up with a more detailed plan. However, the harsh reality here was that I was going with a very basic idea of holding the wall, because the goblins didn’t have many options.

  I was suddenly aware of SueLeeta’s eyes on me, but I just nodded back at her. She was in charge of the archers, so she got to issue the order to fire. I was content to shoot with the group, though I did not so subtly indicate to her that she might want to hurry it up. As she prepared, a glowing green area suddenly appeared around the Wargs, indicating where she wanted us to fire.

  The goblins started marching for a moment, tightening their ranks while still outside of bow range.

  “They’re quick. Fire low,” I said, calmly.

  SueLeeta glanced over at me for a moment. I saw her shift the targeting area down to where the Warg’s would be as soon as they started running. “When will they charge?”

  “Soon. It will take several seconds for our arrows to hit them. They will start when we shoot,” I said, confidently.

  SueLeeta thought about it for a moment and then nodded before screaming, “LOOSE!”

  There were twenty archers on the wall and we did a good impression of a volley. As soon as we fired our bows, the Wargs dashed towards the wall. The ground outside was mostly barren and somewhat uneven, though not nearly enough to bother the Wargs. They moved with a speed even more impressive than I’d thought, but SueLeeta was not deterred. She had a Hunter’s eye. The volley hit them just north of center.

  If we’d had twice as many archers, it would possibly have stopped them. As it sat, only about 10 arrows actually hit, which I thought was very good. Two of the Wargs collapsed as they
suddenly became riddled with arrows, falling mid-run and crushing their riders beneath them. Another goblin bucked back as well, an arrow sticking out from his eye socket. However, his Warg kept charging. I guess that answered my query regarding the Wargs’ behavior in the presence of Grou’tuk.

  “Loose,” called SueLeeta again. She was actually singing a song about archers as she released. I was close enough to some of the other townspeople that I caught them lightly humming along. It kept everyone firing on tempo, I supposed.

  Our second volley was about as effective as the first. By this time, the Wargs had covered nearly a third of the distance required to get to the wall. We might get one more volley in before they were too close. Then, we would shift to single targets. Another Warg fell and three more goblins, including one of the riders of a brown Warg. I spotted all five of those Wargs heading towards the south tower, as expected.

  I pivoted, intending to fire at one of the massive brown wolves. Yet, when SueLeeta cried “Loose!” again, something compelled me to pivot back and fire with everyone else. This third volley was the last, as the Wargs were now much closer to the wall. We were firing every six seconds, but they could cover an absurd amount of distance in that time. They were covering 120 yards or so between volleys, moving with speeds I’d more commonly associated with a car.

  Right before we released the third and final volley, the five Wargs broke from the main group. As the final volley was targeted at the main group, none of them took any hits. Two regular Wargs and another rider fell, as the goblin’s main line finally got close enough that they needed to slow down.

  The brown Wargs, however, did not. They started leaping towards the cracked wall, scrambling up it with a speed even I hadn’t been able to manage. Considering their massive size, it really was quite incredible to see the huge wolves charging up the side of the tower. The first one got to the top before any of the defenders had a chance to fully appreciate what was happening. The Warg, without slowing at all, prepared to leap onto OttoSherman.

  That’s when I fired my first Power Shot at the wolf’s head. I hadn’t just picked Power Shot out of the air. In this world, crossbows were easier to aim than conventional bows, because their shot traveled faster and was heavier. It ignored more of the atmospheric conditions than a regular arrow. Power Shot basically made my arrows function the same way as crossbows, but with the added benefit that Power Shot knocked the target silly when it hit them.

  My arrow slammed into the neck of the Warg, spinning it around like some sort of bad ragdoll effect. When the Warg stopped spinning, its front paws were in the air away from the wall. It vanished over the wall’s side as gravity snatched at it.

  Unfortunately, the second Warg was just behind it. That beast didn’t snap at anyone until all four of its paws were firmly pressed onto the hard stone of the wall walkway. One of the defenders jammed a spear into its side, causing the creature to howl, even as its goblin rider fired a crossbow into the man’s chest.

  The Warg survived, the townsman did not.

  I was already rushing towards the vertical line of wolves and several of the archers had suddenly changed their aim towards the wall climbers. By the time I’d gotten there, six more arrows had found their mark, with another climbing Warg falling to its death. The defenders had managed to spear another Warg dead, though its goblin then leapt onto his stead’s attacker, stabbing him repeatedly with a short sword. The ensuing scuffle sent both tumbling over the wall’s edge.

  OttoSherman was attempting to use his axe to split the skull of another Warg, however he missed. He did, however, succeed in headbutting its rider, as the monster tried to protect his mount. The lumberjack’s thick skull and high strength caused his headbutt to send the goblin flying backwards off the wall and into the rocky earth below.

  When I got there, only two Wargs were still standing, with only a single rider between them. I leapt with both my short swords, sailing over the cracked portion of the wall and straight into the side of one of the Wargs. The creature had already taken too much damage and the impact of my strike drove it back several paces, where it collapsed.

  The final goblin brought up his crossbow and fired at me. The dodge was expensive at that range but, as I had little desire to get hit and plenty of Stamina, I jerked out of the way. Two of the remaining spear men managed to pin the last Warg against the parapet. The goblin laughed and jumped at me, but I side stepped his attack and drove a short sword into him. At the same moment, OttoSherman brought his axe down on the head of the last brown Warg. This time, he did not miss.

  Almost too easy, I thought, and instantly regretted it. I heard ten clanks, as grappling hooks were flung up the wall.

  As the archers began either firing down at the climbing goblins, or attempting to remove the hooks, I noticed that they were not having much luck with either. The stout ropes were quite thick, and almost none of the archers even had daggers. What I didn’t understand was that goblins didn’t have a climbing ability, as far as I remembered. Without warning, my War Leader ability activated.

  Enemy Commander Grou’tuk has used a battle action, Grapple Attack, granting his goblin soldiers the rapid climbing ability!

  Well that wasn’t good. I quickly checked and found that I didn’t have any battle actions, which was unfair. Seeing as I couldn’t do anything about that though, I looked back to the goblins. They were climbing towards the lightly equipped archers. One on one, a man usually had an advantage on a goblin, but these were well equipped goblins vs poorly equipped humans.

  I grabbed a nearby grappling hook in one hand and attempted to pull it off the wall, failing miserably. The line was taunt, and the goblin on it was bobbing up and down rhythmically as he climbed. Now that I was looking, I realized that the rope’s end was in a Warg’s mouth; they were playing tug a war with the freaking wall. However, as they were 400 pound dogs, they were winning.

  The brown Wargs had just been a distraction.

  Using the short sword in my left hand, I hacked at the rope twice before it severed with a snap. SueLeeta, likewise, took a broad headed arrow and, after carefully aiming for a moment, fired it at the rope, which also snapped. That was it, though, because the goblins were among the archers.

  The eight goblins went to work attacking the archers. SueLeeta managed to shoot one before a second one attacked her from behind. Another was knocked bodily from the parapet by an archer, who used a nearby unlit torch as a poor club. Then, the screaming of the townsfolk started. One archer got stabbed in the back by a goblin, while another goblin slit the throat of an archer who had been lining up a shot to save her friend.

  I started wading through the goblins, striking at them with my short swords as the archers fought for their lives. I managed to kill two before I saw SueLeeta stand up with a bloody broken arrow in her fist. Another goblin was flung inside the wall, landing with a sickening crash on the cobblestone courtyard.

  We’d responded quickly, in spite of the shock of climbing goblins. With the spearmen assisting, the archers managed to kill the two remaining goblins. We’d succeeded in killing all ten goblins at the cost of three humans dead, another 6 wounded, and a minor delay in shooting at the Wargs below.

  I got back to the top of the wall and got ready to shoot almost straight down into the mass of goblins and Wargs below. I’d only loosed my first arrow when I saw two Wargs running away from the fight, purposefully. Then, I noticed the ropes trailing from the wolves.

  Taking aim, I lined up on the first rope. It was attached to the harness of one of the fleeing Wargs. This type of harness appeared to be one a sledding dog might wear, similar to the one Kappa now used to plow. It was one designed to let a dog pull with all its strength. I released and watched the Power Shot blast into the dog’s back, grazing the rope. The Warg yipped but kept on running. When the rope went taunt, it snapped, unable to support the tension.

  The other rope was fine, however, and an audible crunching came from below. To my horror, I watched what r
emained of the eastern gate flying outward. We’d blockaded the half of the door that was missing, with the expectation that they would force their way in on that side. The hinge wasn’t even set up to let the door swing out. Then, I saw that the hinge was still attached to the door. The powerful wolves had ripped the entire door and all of its hardware free of the wall.

  I had not for a moment considered that as a possibility. The civilians had moved inside the western gatehouse. which would briefly offer some protection. There were even a few possible fighters among them, but not enough to really matter. For a moment, I was overwhelmed. I needed to think.

  Remembering menu time, I retreated into my mind. I spent about 30 seconds just trying to calm down. Yes, this was bad but, according to my Battle Strength menu, we were actually winning the fight… slightly. Half of the goblins and ten of the wargs were dead already; we’d only lost 5 people, though several more were badly wounded.

  Fenris had actually found time to rig the wagons to burn. According to the close up on the battle map though, there was a red x through the cart. The trap had probably been destroyed upon the violent removal of the remaining door. The cart’s contents were spilled liberally on the ground.

  Breaking out of menu time, I glanced down at the remains of the wagon. There was a barrel of oil lazily pouring itself out into a mass of straw and cloth. I already knew my Magic Shot couldn’t start fires, so I glanced over at SueLeeta. Her horrified expression was similar to the one I had worn only seconds ago. “Burn that,” I ordered. “I’m going to go kill Grou’tuk.”

  With that, I jumped off of the wall into the inner courtyard.

  Chapter 23: Hero Work at the Western Gate Fortress

  In fact, this was a terrible idea. The walls were not 90 degree, modern construction, perfect edifices. So, technically, I was just moving down a very steep 88 degree ramp. At least, that’s what I told myself, because it sure felt like I was falling pretty much straight down. I jammed my two magic swords into the wall, causing a shower of sparks. This, combined with my Mobility, Mitigation, and Damage Resistance only had the fall costing me 12 hit points of Damage. I did certainly get down much faster than I would have otherwise. My precious swords, however, were both down to 0 and 2 points of Durability, respectively. I discarded them and drew my daggers.