Dare to Love

by A. L. Brooks

  “You’re a fabulous sister.” He chuckled. “Just not managing that whole work-life balance thing very well right now.”

  She managed a laugh, but it lacked conviction.

  After wandering down to the kitchen, she sank onto a chair at her small dining table and rested her chin in her hands. Despite her tiredness, she was completely wired, as if she’d had far too much caffeine. Her heart beat way too fast, and her left foot tapped a staccato rhythm on the floor.

  I need to calm down . I can’t keep doing this to myself.

  Her first thought was to call Felicity for a drink, but alcohol wasn’t the answer.

  Her second thought surprised her but had her quickly reaching for her phone again before she could out-think herself.

  Thursday evenings were always busy. Ash had long ago stopped trying to figure out why and instead just went with the flow. Her final client was due in five minutes, a regular coming in for the next phase in a larger piece she was having created on her back.

  She stretched a few times, using the chair as her barre. After each working session she needed to move her back muscles and flex her arms to keep everything loose. It was funny—in her former life, when she had worked for the investment bank, she’d never given stretching a minute’s consideration. Yet she’d spent more time hunched over her desk there than she had over this chair. It never ceased to amaze her what people could become used to. Especially when they had no idea what a rut they’d got themselves into.

  Her phone rang. “Phoenix Tattoos.”

  “Oh, um, hi. Ash, it’s Carmen. From the—”

  “Oh! Hey, Carmen. How are you?” Ash tried to pretend a little shiver did not run through her at the sound of Carmen’s voice. Down, girl.

  “Hi! I’m very well, thank you. And you?”

  “Yeah, good.”

  “Is it okay to talk? Are you at work?”

  “It’s fine, yes,” Ash answered. “And I sure am. I don’t close until ten most Thursdays and Fridays.”

  “Ten?”

  “I know, right? But it meets the demands of the market, so…”

  “Hmm, yes, I know all about meeting those kinds of demands.” Carmen sounded low.

  While it was a lovely surprise to hear from her—Ash had, to be honest, thought she’d never see her again despite bumping into her that night nearly two weeks ago—it saddened Ash to hear her this way. “Are you really okay? You sound a little down.”

  “You’re a very perceptive person.” Carmen chuckled. “I’m a little frazzled, yes.” She paused. “Look, I know this is very short notice, but I wondered if I could take you up on that offer to repay the Portuguese experience at Alma’s tomorrow morning. I could do with a change of scenery and a break from my office, but if it’s too—”

  “Tomorrow morning would be great.” Ash admonished her heart for beating just that little bit faster at the prospect of spending more time with the beautiful woman. Straight beautiful woman, remember? “How does eleven sound?”

  The clacking of Carmen’s keyboard reverberated through the phone. “Yes, I’ll make that work. That’s… Thanks, Ash, that’s great.”

  “Hey, no problem. The weather’s supposed to be great tomorrow. We can sit outside again, get you some more sunshine.”

  “That would be fabulous! I feel like I haven’t seen daylight in days.”

  “Then we shall definitely do that.”

  The door opened, and Sonja, a tall woman with arms already covered in some stunning tattoos, walked in.

  Ash acknowledged her with a quick wave. “I’ll see you there, okay? Gotta go, my next client just walked in.”

  “Oh yes, of course. Great. See you tomorrow.”

  Sonja left at a quarter to ten, delighted with the progress on the huge stylistic mermaid they were creating on her back.

  Ash loved working on the big pieces, watching them unfold over the course of a few sessions. And she loved it when a client was willing to put in that level of work and commitment to get the result they wanted. They’d agreed that two more sessions should do it, and those were already booked in Ash’s calendar.

  This tattoo, when completed, would definitely warrant a picture on the studio’s wall. The best tattoos she’d finished took pride of place in her gallery, and Sonja was thrilled she’d make that coveted space.

  Ash flipped the closed sign in the window and switched off the lights at the front of the studio. After cleaning up, she slipped her shirt on over her T-shirt, then set the alarm and rolled down the shutters. She fancied walking all the way home to Islington—it was a good couple of miles and would take her forty minutes or so, but it was such a beautiful evening it was worth it. She’d just hit the main road when her phone rang. Her caller display showed Courtney’s name.

  “Hey.” Ash kept her tone bright despite her worry about what would have Courtney calling this relatively late.

  “Hey.”

  “You okay?”

  Courtney hesitated. “I’m… You know, I am trying.”

  Ash didn’t need to ask what her sister was trying with. “I know you are. What’s up?”

  “She’s put all these pictures up in her room!” Courtney’s confused frustration came through loud and clear. “Of, you know, women .”

  Although tempted to laugh, Ash held back her mirth, doubting it would help matters at all. So now that Sophie’s secret was out, she was letting it have some freedom. Good for her, no matter what Courtney thought. “Okay.”

  “Okay ? Is that it?”

  “Courtney, we talked about this last weekend. She’s exploring. She’s got some feelings, some of which she doesn’t understand, but she’s… It’s like when you go to buy new clothes. You try things on, see what feels right, what looks right. She’s doing the same thing but with feelings.”

  “So my house is one big changing room now, is it?”

  “Courtney,” Ash said gently.

  “I know, I know.” Courtney made a sound that was a cross between a groan and a growl.

  She was quiet for a few moments, and Ash let her be. She weaved around some parked cars and ducked down a side street, away from the noisy main road. She’d taken this route once before, and although it would add a few minutes to the journey, it was worth it if she could concentrate better on helping her sister and her niece through this upheaval in their lives.

  “You probably think I should find this easier because my sister’s a lesbian, but it’s different when it’s your kid.” All the fight had gone out of Courtney’s voice.

  “I get that.”

  “You’re a grown-up,” Courtney rushed on. “You’re used to the world and how it can treat people. She’s only fourteen. What’s she gonna do when people start calling her dyke and muff diver and whatever else shitty things they’ll yell at her at school?”

  The fear in Courtney’s voice made cold shivers run down Ash’s spine. Yeah, she remembered all those insults. “Well, I guess that’s a conversation you can have with her. Does her school have an anti-bullying policy in place that covers LGBTQ pupils? Does she know how to report it? Is she willing to? I mean, this is where you can really be her champion, let her know you’re going to support her if that worst-case scenario comes about. I think that would mean a huge amount to her.”

  “Did…did Mum and Dad ever do that for you? You said something the other day, and… I think I was too young to see what was going on for you when you came out. I mean, you were nearly seventeen, I was twelve. Did they support you?”

  Ash took a moment. She’d worked through her anger at her parents through her therapy and lost most of her bitterness about how they’d treated her. But it would be hard to talk to Courtney about a side of them her sister had never seen. She didn’t want to darken Courtney’s memories of them even as she wanted Courtney to learn from the mistakes they’d made. “No, I’m afraid they didn’t. And they wanted to protect you, so all of our discussions on the matter took place when you weren’t likely to hear them. Mum in par
ticular was horrified at the thought that you’d find out.”

  Courtney gasped. “Shit, Ash, seriously? God, I’m sorry. I had no idea.”

  “I know you didn’t. It’s okay.”

  “Did…did it ever get any better? You know, before…”

  Ash swallowed hard. Despite everything—the hurt her parents had caused her for so many years and the battle she’d gone through to become the person she wanted to be—she’d give anything to be able to talk to them again. About anything. “It got a little better, but I can’t lie, it still wasn’t brilliant by the time they died.”

  Courtney was silent for a moment. “I know someone at bingo. Rachelle. Her son’s gay.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  “I was thinking of talking to her. Maybe ask her some questions. You know, like how did she deal with it.”

  “I think that’s a great idea.” As long as this Rachelle is okay with having a gay son. God, please let it be so .

  “Yeah, well, might help.”

  “I think it’s great you’re trying, Courtney. I really do.”

  “All right.” Courtney’s voice sounded a little gruff. “Hey, Sophie’s just walked in. Do you want to say hi?”

  “Sure! Put her on.”

  There was the rustling sound of the phone being handed over, and Sophie’s muffled voice saying, “Thanks, Mum,” before she said more clearly, “Hey, Auntie Ash!”

  “Hey, you. How are you?”

  “I’m good. I mean, I freaked Mum out with the pictures, but I think it’s okay.”

  Ash was impressed her niece felt no need to lower her voice, even though Courtney must still have been within earshot. “Just out of interest, whose pictures did you put up?”

  “Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman and Brie Larson as Captain Marvel.”

  “Oh, I see. Powerful superheroines do it for you, huh?” She kept her tone gentle and light so Sophie would know she was teasing.

  “Shut up .” Sophie huffed an exasperated breath down the line. “They’re, you know, role models for what strong women can be.”

  “And they’re also not exactly bad to look at.”

  “Maybe.” Her niece’s voice was quiet. “Is that…? Is it okay to think that?”

  “Yes, Sophie, it is.”

  “Those arms,” her niece whispered, and Ash found herself nodding.

  “I hear you.”

  “Okay, this is too weird. I can’t talk about this stuff with you anymore. It’s…ew.”

  Ash laughed, then grimaced as she had to dodge around a cyclist who seemed hell-bent on running her down by going the wrong way up a one-way street. “If you can’t talk to me, who can you talk to?”

  “I guess. But it’s just… Ugh, it’s all so new, and saying some things out loud still seems like, you know, huge .”

  “I bet it does. Take your time. Set your own pace. No one gets to tell you how to do this, not even me who’s done it before. But I’m here for you to talk to if you want to.”

  “Thanks, Auntie Ash. I…I really appreciate this.”

  “You’re welcome.” Ash glanced at her watch. “Hey, shouldn’t you be in bed by now?”

  “I’m fourteen, not four.”

  Ash smiled; she could imagine Sophie rolling her eyes.

  “But,” Sophie continued, “I am pretty tired, so I guess I’ll say goodnight.”

  “All right. Sleep tight, monkey.”

  “Will you ever stop calling me that?”

  “Do you really want me to?”

  There was a slight pause before her niece said quietly, “No. I love it.”

  “Good. Talk to you soon, monkey.”

  Chapter 10

  Carmen strode down the street towards Alma’s, enjoying the feel of the sunshine on her face. She hoped Ash had managed to snag them an outside table again—always assuming Ash had made it there first.

  At the thought of Ash and their imminent meeting, Carmen once again wondered why it was the tattooist she’d called the evening before. You barely know her. Why on earth was she the person you thought of seeing?

  She couldn’t explain it. All she could remember was how calm and relaxed she felt around Ash. She wanted to feel that again, even for just half an hour. Derailing the weekend visiting Tristan and his partner in Paris had upset her. She’d worked late last night, of course, after talking to her brother and Ash, but it had been a struggle. Her mind had whirled with thoughts of Tristan, her career, and…Ash.

  A shake of her head brought her back to the moment. She crossed the street and smiled widely; Ash sat at the same table as last time, waving at Carmen. She wore a dark blue, short-sleeved shirt, something loose and cool for the warmer July weather. It made her look even more the stereotypically butch lesbian, but it suited her. Carmen envied her relaxed look, given that she herself was dressed up to the nines, as always, in a skirt suit and high heels.

  “Hi,” Carmen said as she stepped nearer. “Good table.”

  Ash grinned. “Well, it seemed to work for us pretty well last time.”

  “Indeed.” Carmen pulled out a chair and sat. “How are you?”

  “I’m good. And you?”

  “I’m… I’ve been better.”

  Hmm, interesting. She had been about to respond with a bland “I’m fine”, but somehow the more honest answer had escaped her lips. What was it about Ash that lowered her emotional walls so easily? It was a tad unnerving. She slipped off her jacket and hung it on the back of the chair, using the time to compose herself. The warmth of the sun caressed her bare arms and soothed her.

  Ash tilted her head. “Okay, before we go any further with this conversation, I think you need a custard tart and a coffee, yes?”

  “You’re a mind reader.”

  “It was an espresso, is that right?”

  “A double, please.”

  Ash nodded and disappeared inside the shop.

  Carmen sat back, letting the sun fall on her face. God, I needed this.

  “Don’t fall asleep on me,” Ash said quietly, and Carmen snapped her eyes open.

  “My God, I think I did just drift off there.” How embarrassing. Carmen blinked a couple of times and sat up straighter.

  “No worries.” Ash’s face was open and friendly. “You didn’t drool, so you’re good.”

  Laughing, Carmen rubbed lightly at her face just to verify the lack of drool. She sat up straighter to accept the coffee Ash passed to her. “Thank you. For the coffee and pastry. And for agreeing to meet with me.”

  Ash shrugged. “My pleasure. And to be honest, I’m never going to turn down an invite that involves custard tarts.”

  “Ah, so it wasn’t my company that tempted you.”

  Ash took a big bite of her pastry and mumbled around it, “Nope, sorry to burst your bubble.”

  Carmen chuckled and reached for her own pastry.

  They ate in a comfortable silence until the pastries had been demolished. Carmen downed her espresso in three mouthfuls and sighed happily as she placed the cup back on the table. “Exactly what I needed.” She smiled at Ash. “Well, and the company too.”

  Ash dipped her head. “And you know I was only teasing just now.”

  “I thought so.”

  They smiled at each other.

  Wow, her eyes are the deepest brown I think I’ve ever seen. Gorgeous .

  “So.” Ash drew the word out. “Want to tell me what made you need the emergency custard tart meeting?” She held up a hand before Carmen could respond. “And obviously, you don’t have to. We can just sit here and enjoy the sunshine. Talk about the weather like normal Brits do.”

  It was so easy to relax when she was around Ash. “You’re very good at this.”

  “What? Eating custard tarts?” Ash’s eyes twinkled.

  “No, you know what I mean. At making me feel at ease. It’s…it’s why I called you. Last night. I needed a dose of calm in my life, and I…I thought of you.” Carmen swallowed. “Does that sound strange? Or stalker-ish?”
>
  Ash laughed. “Definitely not that last thing you said.” She seemed to think for a moment. “I suppose it’s a little strange, given we don’t know each other. But then, all friendships have to start somewhere, don’t they? And I’m touched that you find me a calm influence.” One side of her mouth turned up in a wry smile. “I’ve worked very hard to become that for myself, so it’s kind of cool that it’s rubbing off on other people too.”

  “How did you do it?” Carmen leaned forward so she wouldn’t miss a word.

  Ash’s smile didn’t waver. “Therapy.”

  “Really?”

  “Mostly, yes.” Ash paused. “Before I was a tattooist, I worked in investment banking for fifteen years. It wasn’t a pretty place. But it took me a long time to figure that out and the damage it was doing to me. There was other stuff too.” Her gaze drifted away, and she visibly swallowed.

  Someone hurt her. Carmen thought about asking but feared it might be too invasive.

  Ash briefly shook her head and turned her attention back to Carmen. “Anyway, I got out of banking and took a couple of years off. I spent a good portion of that seeing a therapist and some of it travelling around Australia and New Zealand. And the rest of it turning my love of drawing and sketching into something that could earn me some money. Something where I could be my own boss, control my own destiny, if you like.”

  “Good for you.” Carmen didn’t know why her throat had closed up a little. “I’m…I’m so impressed that you not only recognised what you needed but actually went out to attain it.”

  “To be honest, I had to.” Ash’s voice was quiet. “I couldn’t have gone on the way I was without something serious happening.”

  Carmen swallowed. The idea that this strong, confident woman could have been brought so low as to consider harming herself made her shudder. “I understand.”

  Their gazes locked and held.

  Ash cleared her throat. “So, the calmness you’ve seen in me comes from all of that. Of recognising where I was going wrong and fixing it and, as a result, being truly content with my life.”