Dare to Love

by A. L. Brooks

  She’d never had this much trouble asking out a man. Why should it be any different with a woman?

  Because somehow all of this feels different because Ash is a woman.

  She put the contracts on her desk and sat back down in her chair.

  Monica left the office, and Carmen exhaled a long, slow breath. This was her chance, a few minutes of peace. She picked up her phone and opened the messaging app.

  Hi! It was great to see you the other night. Hope you got home okay—

  She tapped the delete key multiple times. You know she got home okay; she texted you to say so! She’ll think you’re an idiot if you ask again . Okay, try again .

  Hi! It was great to see you the other night. I was thinking of making some time in my calendar tomorrow morning (Thursday) for coffee and a certain pastry. Care to join me?

  Okay, how did that sound? Too flirty? Not flirty enough? Was she even supposed to be flirting with a woman who just wanted to be friends? Carmen groaned. She negotiated actors’ career-changing contracts with less concern. Before she could change her mind, she hit the send button and leaned back in her chair.

  When the reply pinged less than two minutes later, she nearly fell off the chair in her haste to pick up the phone from her desk.

  Love to! Eleven work for you?

  Carmen scanned her calendar. She had a one-to-one with Monica at ten thirty, but that could easily be moved to the afternoon. Other than that she was free all morning, for once. It’s a sign .

  Perfect, see you then xx

  It wasn’t until about thirty seconds after she’d sent it that she realised she’d ended the message with the two kisses. Her head hit the desk with a loud thud.

  “You got our favourite spot,” Carmen said as she approached.

  Ash grinned. “I did. Had to shove some old guy out of the way to make it happen, but, hey, what can you do?” She shrugged, then smiled when Carmen laughed. God, she loved it when Carmen laughed like that. As if she didn’t have a care in the world.

  “Did you order?” Carmen asked.

  “No, I waited for you.”

  “Thank you.”

  They stared at each other for a moment. Once again there was that charge in the air between them.

  Stop it! You’re near the line, remember? Ash didn’t want to reach the line, didn’t want to have to pull back from seeing Carmen because she couldn’t trust her libido—or heart. But everything she’d told herself over the last couple of days since their wine bar date—about stepping back and remembering to stop herself from feeling things she shouldn’t—had flown out the window the minute Carmen arrived. And it wasn’t just Carmen’s beauty that turned Ash’s mind to mush. It was the thought of spending time with her again. Of talking to her, asking about her day, delving a little deeper into what made Carmen who she was.

  Ash coughed and stood. “Your usual?”

  Carmen nodded; her gaze, which had until that moment been locked on Ash’s eyes, flicked away. “Perfect, thanks.”

  Ash hurried into the café, her heart racing. She ordered their coffees and two of the custard tarts but took a moment to breathe before she returned to their table. After setting down their drinks and plates, she pulled out her chair and finally looked at Carmen once more.

  “So, how’s Sophie?” Carmen reached for her coffee.

  “She’s great. Although there’s not a lot for her to do in the studio, she never complains of being bored. Mind you, partly that’s because she’s glued to her phone when it’s quiet.”

  “Of course! That’s how teenagers spend their days, isn’t it? How old is she?”

  “She’ll be fifteen in October.”

  “Gosh, she seems so much more grown-up than that!”

  “I know. I was only thinking that the other day.”

  “You love her very much, don’t you?”

  Ash smiled. “I do. And it’s not just because she’s my only niece or nephew. She’s just an amazing kid.”

  “I think it’s wonderful that you’re supporting her. Given that her mum isn’t doing so well with it, it’s great that Sophie has someone she can talk to.”

  “Yeah. It’s causing some friction between me and Courtney, but I’m sure we’ll work that out. And it never occurred to me not to support Sophie. Even in this day and age, it’s tough to come out. Especially when you’ve realised that young.”

  Carmen choked a little on her coffee and placed the cup back on the table. She coughed a few times but waved away Ash’s offer to get her a glass of water. “Sorry, went down the wrong way.” Carmen blushed and looked away.

  “Have some custard tart. They fix anything.”

  Carmen looked back at her and smiled. “I’m sure they do.”

  And there it was again. That…sizzle between them.

  It’s there, isn’t it? I’m not just imagining it. She couldn’t help herself; the awareness excited her. Oh crap, now what do I do?

  The sound of a phone ringing broke into their strained silence, the first truly awkward moment they’d shared since they met.

  Ash’s relief nearly had her slumping in her chair.

  “Sorry.” Carmen dropped her untouched pastry on its plate before fishing her phone from her handbag and answering it. “Yes, I’m just out at Alma’s. No, that’s tomorrow. What? Today? Oh my God.” She ran her free hand through her curls. “Okay, I can be back in ten minutes. Stall her, okay? Tell her I’m stuck in traffic on the way back from another meeting. Thank you, Monica. You’re a star.”

  Carmen hung up and shoved the phone back into her bag. She jumped up. “I’m so sorry. I’ve apparently messed up my calendar. I have to get back.”

  Ash stood too, worry for Carmen running like ice in her veins.

  Carmen looked panicked. Distraught, almost. “This has never happened to me.” She stepped back from the table. Her hands twisted at the strap of her handbag. “I never miss meetings. Never!”

  “Hey.” Ash laid a hand on Carmen’s arm. “It’s fine. Go. You’ve got this, okay?”

  Carmen nodded, but her gaze was distant, her posture ramrod straight. “Thanks.” She whirled around and strode off.

  Ash allowed herself one minute to watch that determined stride, then tore her gaze away from Carmen’s legs. If she was honest with herself, she had no small measure of relief at the abrupt ending to their time together. And now I probably won’t see her before I go away, because she’s bound to throw herself into her work again to make up for whatever this mistake is. She ran her hand through her hair. Maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing. A few weeks apart would give Ash plenty of time to get her head back on straight. She almost groaned aloud at her inadvertent pun.

  Carmen broke her vow with reference to always taking the stairs and rushed down the corridor towards the lift. This was an emergency, after all. The thing seemed to take an age to reach the top floor. All the while her left foot tapped out an erratic rhythm as her heart pounded far too fast.

  How did I screw this up?

  Her calendar app stated quite clearly that this meeting was booked for eleven the following day. She scrolled through her deleted emails to find the chain that had set up the appointment.

  Her heart sunk. There it was, in black and white: meeting with Emma Francis, agreed for eleven, Thursday, 23rd July.

  Which had been fifteen minutes ago.

  How did I put that in the wrong bloody day?

  She swore under her breath. Hopefully, Monica’s story about traffic would hold water, and her potential client, a promising young actress currently appearing in a minor role in a West End play, would be gracious enough to accept Carmen’s apologies.

  My mind’s just not on the game these days. Not with everything that’s happening with Ash.

  She shook her head as she exited the lift and scurried into the reception area. Now is not the time to dwell on that—focus!

  Beverley gave her a rueful smile as Carmen walked quickly by.

  “Does she have a drink?”
Carmen threw over her shoulder.

  “She does. She’s fine, Carmen. Don’t worry.”

  Carmen dashed into the office, threw her handbag onto her desk, then grabbed her laptop.

  “Need a coffee?” Monica asked from behind her.

  Carmen whirled around. She hadn’t even seen her assistant standing in the centre of the office, such was her haste to gather herself together. “No, I’m fine. Just some water, please.”

  Monica nodded, her eyes narrowed in her quizzical exploration of Carmen’s face. She opened her mouth, seemed to think better of it, and turned away to the water cooler.

  With the glass of water in one hand, her laptop in the other, Carmen took a deep breath and straightened her shoulders. You’ve got this. Focus . She strode out of the office to the small conference room.

  When she opened the door, Emma Francis, a stunning blonde with elfin features, smiled at her from across the table.

  “Emma.” Carmen held out her hand. “Carmen Lyttleton. It’s wonderful to meet you.”

  Carmen flopped down onto her sofa and let out an extended breath. Jesus, what a day .

  Thankfully, the meeting with Emma had gone well, despite its shaky start. But the tension of the morning, of having to abandon Ash in the middle of their coffee date, and the embarrassment Carmen had experienced when seeing the puzzled look on Monica’s face had left Carmen worn out.

  She pulled her phone out of her handbag. The text message from Ash, sent at a little after eleven thirty that morning, was still unread. Carmen had been wary of opening it. She knew it was ridiculous; absolutely none of this was Ash’s fault. It was all Carmen’s own doing, her own confusion over what she was feeling for Ash. But somehow it was easier to ignore Ash than face up to her own culpability.

  Come on. You’re a grown-up. Don’t be unfair to the woman . She could almost hear Felicity scolding her.

  The text message was everything that made Ash so attractive.

  Hey, I hope you made it back okay for the meeting. I’m sure you wowed them! Remember, it’s the weekend soon. Take some time to chill. And as soon as you want to buy me another pastry, you know where I am. Although I did eat yours after you left, so maybe that means I owe you?! Ha ha! Speak soon. Ash x

  “My life would be so much easier if you weren’t so bloody nice,” Carmen said aloud as she stared at the phone’s screen.

  She threw the phone onto the sofa and laid her head back against the cushions. What am I going to do? Everything seemed to be getting into such a mess. Her work was clearly suffering, yet so were her heart and mind. What was happening to her with regards to Ash was a big thing. Huge. Surely she should devote proper attention to it. Discovering that something as intrinsic as her sexuality seemed to have changed wasn’t an everyday occurrence, after all.

  But if I do spend more time working that out, how do I keep up the concentration required to maintain and grow my business?

  A low groan escaped her throat. This was impossible. She picked up the phone once more. Her upbringing and her sense of ethics dictated that she should at least respond to Ash. But what to say when all she wanted to do was run away and hope these feelings would disappear?

  She sighed. No, I don’t want them to disappear. I like how I feel when I’m with her . And she liked how excited she was, deep down, at the prospect of being with someone again. She hadn’t felt that way in a long time. What did it matter that the object of her affections was another woman?

  Slowly, she tapped out her reply.

  Everything was fine. Sorry again for sprinting off. I don’t blame you for eating my pastry. I would have done the same! Not sure if we’ll find time to meet before you head off, but let’s see how things go.

  She sent the message before she could change anything. She knew it wasn’t the most encouraging of replies, but right now all she could think was that she needed some time. Proper thinking time, to figure out what was going on with her emotions.

  Maybe it’s a good thing she’s away soon. Maybe some time apart will show me if this is real or not.

  Chapter 22

  Friday dawned sunny and ridiculously hot—it was already beyond warm at nine in the morning and sticky by ten. Ash was thankful she’d installed air conditioning in the studio as she made her way there.

  To her surprise, Sophie was already outside the studio when she arrived. “Hey. Have you been here long?”

  Sophie shook her head. “Not really. Mum had a call asking her to go in a bit early, so I decided I might as well get going too.”

  Ash opened up the studio and motioned Sophie inside. “So, had breakfast?”

  “Yeah, I’m good.” Sophie made them both tea, and they got on with setting up for the day.

  “So how are things at home? You mentioned yesterday that your mum might be calming down a bit?” Ash asked as they sat on one of the leather sofas. Her first client was due in ten minutes.

  “Yeah, kind of. Like, she asked me if I was doing okay and if there was anything I wanted to talk to her about. It was…okay.”

  “And did you? Talk to her?”

  Sophie blushed. “No. I mean, I guess I’d like to, but…”

  “Still awkward?”

  “Yeah, totally.” Sophie fiddled with the mid-thigh rip in her long denim shorts. She dipped her head. “When…when you first liked someone, you know, a girl, did you ever think they might like you back but then think you were imagining it?”

  Ash’s breath caught. Huh, yeah, and not just when it was the first time I liked a girl. Thanks, universe. This conversation, right now? She swallowed before responding. “Um, yeah, that happened to me.”

  Sophie glanced up, then down again. “And, um, what did you do?”

  “I…I told her I liked her. Eventually.”

  “And did she like you?” Sophie’s voice was small.

  Ash wrapped one arm around her niece’s shoulders.

  “Or was it a disaster?” Sophie looked quickly at her, wide-eyed, then ducked her head again.

  “No. I was lucky. Although she didn’t like me that way, she never told anyone what I’d said. I guess that’s why I liked her so much in the first place. She was a good person.” Just like Carmen. Ash shook the thought off. This is about Sophie. Focus on her, not your own drama.

  “I think I would die if I told K—her and she didn’t like me back.”

  Ash smiled and kissed the top of Sophie’s head. “You wouldn’t die. But yeah, it would be hard. I get that.”

  “I don’t know what to do.” Sophie looked up at last, and her teeth worried at her bottom lip. “I like her so much. I see girls and boys walking around town, holding hands and kissing down at the park, and I…” Her blush deepened. “I really want that too. With her,” she whispered.

  Ash’s heart lurched. “Honestly, I don’t know what to advise. A part of me wants you to just go for it—ask her if she’d like to go out and see how it goes. But a big part of me doesn’t want you to get hurt. I’d hate to tell you to do it and then we find out she’s a nasty bitch who tells the whole school.”

  Sophie shook her head. “I don’t think she’s nasty. She never seems to gossip or take the piss out of anyone. She’s pretty quiet.”

  “What’s her name?”

  Sophie hesitated and went back to picking at the hole in her jeans. “Keisha. We have French together.”

  “Do you sit next to her?”

  Sophie’s mouth fell open, and she leaned away from Ash. “No! I couldn’t do that.”

  Ash nudged her with her shoulder. “Maybe that would be a start, once school starts up again. You could at least talk to her some more, right?”

  Sophie blinked a couple of times. “Um, yeah, I guess I could do that.”

  The door opened, and a tall woman walked in.

  “Sorry, time to go to work.” Ash stood. “But we can talk more later, okay?”

  “Yes. Thanks, Auntie Ash.”

  Ash’s mind was busy with a whirl of thoughts as she walked ov
er to her client. Sophie working her way through all that she was feeling but not shying away from any of it. Whether Courtney would ever come to accept Sophie for who she was or might be. Carmen and whatever the hell it was that was going on there.

  Ash hadn’t done anything about contacting Carmen since their aborted meeting yesterday. The message she’d got from Carmen late last night had seemed a little cold. As if Carmen was distancing herself. And maybe that’s a good thing. She smiled at her client and motioned her towards the chair, every action on autopilot as her brain still churned. No, Carmen distancing herself didn’t feel good. It left an emptiness in Ash that she didn’t want to acknowledge. Because if she did, she’d have to admit that her feelings for Carmen were already running deeper than she would want.

  “You okay?” Ash asked Sophie when her niece flopped onto the sofa beside her three hours later.

  Sophie shrugged. “Suppose so.”

  “What does that mean?”

  Sophie turned to look at her. Her eyes were a little wild. “I’m thinking about telling Trina.”

  Ash swallowed before responding. “But that’s good, right?”

  “I hope so,” Sophie mumbled.

  “You’ve known each other since you were little. I’m convinced she’s going to be cool with this. Really.” Ash patted Sophie’s arm.

  “I hope so.”

  Sensing there was no point in pushing this tense subject, Ash stood. “Tea?”

  “Yes, please.”

  Sophie’s phone rang as Ash made their tea. Ash tried hard not to listen in.

  “No, it’s just… Well, I just wanted to talk to you. I’m at the studio now, but I’ll be home later tonight.” A pause. “Well, yeah, it is pretty important.” A longer pause. “Yeah? That…that would be cool. Okay. Bye.”

  Ash carried over their mugs of tea. “Everything okay?”

  “Yeah. Yeah, it’s… She’s coming here. Like, now. She’s in town to return some shoes she bought on Saturday.” Sophie’s eyes looked even wilder than five minutes before.

  “That’s great.” Ash glanced at her watch. “I’ve got my next client in ten minutes but even if I’m working, feel free to talk with Trina here, or you can go somewhere else. I honestly don’t mind, okay?”