Dare to Love

by A. L. Brooks

  “I think about you a lot, too.” Wait, where had that come from? Panic surged through Ash. “I mean, I enjoy spending time with you. As a friend. Maybe that’s what’s confusing you, having a lesbian as a friend.” Ash attempted a smile, but it barely lifted the corners of her mouth.

  Carmen glared at her. “I’ve been friends with a few lesbians for years now, and not once have I felt for them what I feel for you. And just because I haven’t felt this way about a woman before doesn’t mean my feelings now, for you, are superficial, or aren’t valid. As much as Sophie is experiencing something new, so am I. Why aren’t you treating my feelings the same way you are hers? Are the rules different for a fourteen-year-old discovering her sexuality compared to a forty-three-year-old?”

  Ash swallowed hard. She didn’t want to put down Carmen’s feelings, but she also needed to protect herself. “No, of course not. I’m sorry. Truly. I should never have joked about this.”

  Carmen’s posture eased somewhat.

  “But the thing is,” Ash continued, needing to explain, if she could, why Carmen’s words made her so hesitant, “because this is all so new for you, there’s no guarantee that this is what you’ll want longer-term. Yes, your feelings are real now; I’m not saying they’re not. It’s more about how permanent or not this change for you might be.”

  Carmen twisted her napkin in her hands. “Nobody can guarantee anything. I know that. And I know how nervous that is probably making you, but—”

  “Hi, I’m sorry to interrupt.” Their waitress stood next to the table. “But I’ve just realised this table is reserved for someone for lunch. I’m really sorry, but I need to clear it and ask you to move.” She placed their bill down on the table.

  Ash couldn’t tell which of them was more relieved by the waitress’s words, her or Carmen.

  They stood, and each laid some money on top of the bill, then stepped away with the waitress’s words of gratitude following them to the street. A few paces away from the café, by unspoken agreement, they stopped and faced each other.

  “I’d better get home,” Carmen said, not meeting Ash’s eye. Her face was pink, and her shoulders slumped.

  Ash wanted to tell her it would all be okay, but that was something she couldn’t promise. As much as she was drawn to Carmen, her fear of getting hurt was simply too strong to throw caution to the wind and say, “Sure, let’s go for it, see where it leads us.” Even as a large part of her ached to do just that. “Okay. Which way do you go? Can I walk you?”

  “I’ll head in the direction of the Tube. If I happen to see a cab en route, I’ll grab it.” Carmen finally met her eye. “If you want to walk with me, that’s fine.” She didn’t sound convinced.

  Ash blew out a breath. “Thanks.”

  They walked in a strained silence. Carmen led them around a corner and into a much quieter side street.

  “What will you do with the rest of your day?” Ash asked.

  “A little work. Some gardening.” Carmen threw her a glance. “That’s my stress reliever.”

  “Sounds good. Look, I really am sorry. You’ve just really taken me by surprise with all this.”

  “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. With all the things I said.” Carmen gave her half a smile. “But I did need to make you understand.”

  “I know. I get that.”

  Carmen looked as if she wanted to say something else, but then turned away again, her expression closed off, her head bowed.

  Ash wanted to break the silence, to find a way for them to part today on better terms, but had no idea how to achieve that. I need to explain to her how I feel, but how will she understand that yes, I am attracted to her, but no, I don’t want to get involved with her? Ash didn’t even believe herself; how could she expect Carmen to?

  They reached a junction with a side street. Cars were parked close to or haphazardly half on, half off the pavement.

  Carmen, seemingly still wrapped up in her own thoughts, twisted to sidle through a small gap between two cars.

  “Wait!” Ash jumped off the pavement, grabbed Carmen’s arm, and yanked her back just as a motorbike roared past the spot Carmen would have walked into.

  Carmen landed heavily against Ash, her arms automatically reaching out to arrest her progress. Her hands landed on Ash’s waist; her chest was pressed close to Ash’s.

  “Oh my God!” Carmen gasped for breath. “That was close. Thank you.”

  Ash’s heart thumped. “You’re…you’re welcome.”

  Carmen was so warm in Ash’s arms. So soft and so close. Her breath, tinted with a hint of the coffee they’d drunk, washed over Ash’s lips, and something throbbed low in Ash’s belly.

  “Ash?” Carmen almost breathed the word.

  Ash stared at Carmen’s mouth, at the way her lips parted under Ash’s gaze, her tongue gently licking the plump pinkness of her lips. Ash groaned and dipped her head.

  At the first touch of their lips, Carmen tensed; in the next moment, she melted. And then she kissed her back in ways that made Ash’s knees go weak and the rest of her body turn to jelly.

  Ash gently explored the soft mouth beneath hers, her arms tightening around Carmen with every second that passed. The kiss was good. Unbelievably good. And when Carmen moaned, sweetly, softly, Ash couldn’t help licking delicately across Carmen’s top lip, asking the question that was answered a millisecond later.

  Carmen’s tongue tentatively met hers, and Ash’s world tilted beneath her feet.

  She ran her hands up Carmen’s back and into her hair, tugging her even closer, deepening the kiss with each tongue stroke. Her body was on fire, yet she was shivering. It had been a while since she had last been kissed, but she wasn’t sure she’d ever been kissed like this. Every cell in her body cried out in pleasure; her nipples hardened, and between her thighs wetness formed as her clit pulsed.

  She had no idea how long they kissed. They never fully pulled back, but every now and then one of them eased back to take a breath, turn her head the other way, then resume the pleasure-filled exploration.

  Finally, reluctantly, as her brain began to override her libido, Ash lifted her head and broke the kiss. Breathing heavily, she looked down at Carmen in a daze.

  “W-what was that?” Carmen asked, her voice husky. “I thought you…” She licked her lips again, and Ash trembled. “Why did you kiss me?”

  “I-I don’t know. I couldn’t help it. You…” She took a step back but still kept a hold of Carmen, reluctant to lose contact with her warmth. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have; that was—”

  Carmen’s finger on her lips stopped the rest of her apology. “Shush. I’m not sorry. Not at all. I’m just a tad confused.” Her smile was wan.

  “You and me both.”

  “Should we talk about this?”

  “I don’t know.” Ash finally released Carmen and stepped back, her motion stopped by her heel hitting the kerb behind her.

  “Actually.” Carmen raised a hand. “Let’s not. Let’s just leave this where it is. Let me go home with a smile on my face, okay?”

  Ash couldn’t help laughing. “Yeah, okay. Understood.”

  Carmen exhaled slowly and looked left and right before crossing the road.

  Ash followed, her mind in a tailspin, her body still thrumming.

  They walked in silence, but this time it wasn’t uncomfortable. At the next corner they reached the main road, and Carmen gestured to her right. “The Tube is that way, but I can see a cab approaching. I’m going to grab that, okay?”

  “Sure.”

  Carmen gave her a half smile before turning to flag the cab down. When she turned back, her smile was stronger, more confident. “Bye,” she said as she opened the cab door.

  Ash watched the taxi drive off, her mind still not quite caught up with the fact that she had kissed Carmen—and that Carmen had kissed her back in a way that made Ash want to do it all over again. And again and again…

  Chapter 28

  Carmen’s hands
trembled as she searched her handbag for her phone. Her skin was still on fire from the kiss, even though it had been at least thirty minutes since she had been in Ash’s arms.

  She kissed me.

  She still couldn’t quite believe it. Not after how difficult their conversation at Alma’s had been. Nor could she believe how incredible it had been to be kissed by a woman. By Ash. Soft, yet powerful. Hungry, yet tender. She shivered at the memories; she had not wanted that kiss to end. With Ash’s arms around her, her body pressed close enough to feel her breasts against Carmen’s own, she’d wondered if her knees would give way. She’d also wondered just where that level of passion could lead, but when Ash had pulled away, her eyes a little wild with fear, Carmen had somehow known that it was the right move to keep it light, to back away and call it a day. Jean-Pierre’s words came back to her, and now, after that kiss, she began to believe that maybe he and Felicity were right about Ash and how she felt about her.

  Finally, her fingers closed on the phone, and she pulled it from the depths of the bag. Ignoring the notification that she had eight new emails awaiting her attention, she called up Felicity’s contact details and pressed the call icon.

  “Hi, darling, how are—?”

  “She kissed me!”

  “What? ”

  “She. Kissed. Me.”

  “Ash, I take it? I mean, just to be clear that’s—”

  “Yes, Ash! Bloody hell, who else do you think it would be?”

  Felicity guffawed. “Well, a few days ago you were all, ‘I’m okay; I’ll get past it; she doesn’t want me, and that’s okay’. So forgive me for checking.”

  “Okay, fair enough.” Carmen dumped her handbag and walked into the living room. Her pulse raced and her knees wobbled, so she needed to sit.

  “You need to start at the beginning.” Felicity sounded exasperated. “How did you go from where you were before she went away to her kissing you today?”

  Carmen relayed in detail how the kiss started and how it had seemed to go on for hours, and yet seemed to be over far too quickly. She was only marginally embarrassed at sharing the knowledge of the intimacy with her friend.

  “Oh my word.” Felicity inhaled sharply. “I’ve got goose bumps.”

  “You should try it from my side,” Carmen said without thinking.

  Felicity barked out a wicked laugh that made Carmen flush.

  “So what happens now?” Felicity asked. “Are you an item? What does this mean?”

  And just like that, Carmen’s mood deflated. “I have no earthly idea.” She rubbed at her forehead, where a deep frown had instantly appeared.

  “Well, at the risk of sounding smug, it does seem I may have been right about her reciprocating the attraction, hmm?”

  “Maybe.”

  Felicity snorted. “And if I am right, then I think there’s still a good chance you and Ash can work this out. No one kisses someone like that unless there are some kind of feelings involved, do they?” Her voice was quiet. “Believe me, I’m not trying to get your hopes up unnecessarily, but…”

  “I know. And yes, I want to believe that’s true.” Carmen sighed. “I’m happy that she and I didn’t dissect it afterwards. But I suppose we need to, don’t we?”

  “You probably do. And soon. Before too many doubts creep in. For each of you. I know you. You’ll throw yourself back into your job in a heartbeat if you think things are too difficult with Ash.”

  “Sometimes I hate that you know me so well.”

  Felicity chuckled. “Sorry, sweetheart. That’s what over twenty years of friendship will do.”

  “I know. And I’m only joking. I’m so thankful I have you to talk to. I couldn’t do this without you.”

  “Oh, pish.” The emotion in Felicity’s tone belied her throwaway words. She cleared her throat. “And I want regular reports, madam. None of this keeping me in the dark for days on end.”

  “We really need to get you a date.”

  “God, no. Living vicariously through you is much more fun.”

  Carmen leaned her head in her hands and sighed.

  Ash awoke on Monday morning with her eyes full of sleepy dust and her head muzzy. Her night had been crap, to say the least. For starters, getting to sleep had been troublesome as her brain insisted on replaying the kiss, from the delicious start to the reluctant finish, on a continuous loop.

  Why did I kiss her? Why did I just confuse things even further?

  She hauled herself out of bed and jumped straight in the shower, hoping the cool water would wake her. Or knock some sense into her. As she soaped her body, memories of Carmen’s hands gripping her waist assaulted her. Carmen had kissed her as if she couldn’t get enough. The heat between them had been intense, and it scorched her body even now.

  Ash moaned and for a moment seriously considered doing something about the arousal that flared anew at the memories. Then she stopped her wandering fingers. It didn’t seem right somehow.

  I can’t offer her anything, despite that kiss. Well, not a relationship, anyway. She finished washing and turned off the shower. Maybe it would be okay, though. Ash was a lot wiser after surviving Vikki. She was going into this with her eyes wide open. Maybe Carmen and I won’t last long, but we can enjoy it while we have it . It didn’t need to get serious. No investment of her heart, which she could surely keep locked away tightly. Perfectly doable.

  Feeling much better, both from the shower and the processing, Ash dressed and had a cup of tea. She’d just finished planning what she needed to do in the studio to get it ready for reopening on Friday, when her phone pinged with a text from Sophie.

  Mum says she’ll b home by 6 tomorrow but if u want 2 come early that’s ok 2 xx

  Ash pinged off a quick ok in response and put the phone back down. She and Sophie had messaged a few times while she was away, so Ash knew all was still okay for her niece with her situation at home. She and Courtney were, in Sophie’s amusing words, circling each other like two lions forced to share the same cage. So the invite from Courtney, sent via text message on Sunday evening, to have dinner with the two of them on Tuesday had been a pleasant surprise. Was it a good sign? Was Courtney thawing a little?

  God, I hope so.

  Thankful for the distraction and suddenly realising what the time was, Ash puffed out a breath and stood. She was meeting Damian for brunch, and it was time to go. She gathered up her keys and wallet and left the flat. Talking with Damian all about Kruger and his plans for his next trip was exactly what she needed to take her mind off everything else.

  Damian was waiting for her in their favourite greasy spoon café on Essex Road and already had a large mug of tea waiting for her. “You look tired, mate. Bad night?”

  Crap, I was hoping it wasn’t that obvious. “Yeah, probably the heat.”

  “It wasn’t that warm last night.”

  “Ah, but you’re an Aussie, so you’re used to it being hot. Us Brits wilt as soon as the temperature gets high enough to not need a jumper.”

  He laughed. “Yeah, that’s true. So, what are you having? The usual?”

  “You bet.”

  Damian stepped up to the counter and ordered their food—full English each, with extra toast—and returned to the table with the cutlery and paper napkins.

  They passed an easy hour talking about the sights she’d seen, ordering second mugs of tea, and taking their time. Damian wasn’t working until he started a contract in Edinburgh the following week, and she could go to the studio any time as it was still officially closed.

  “Hey, what happened with that chick you met?” Damian asked after downing the last of his tea.

  “Hayley?”

  He blinked at her. “Who’s Hayley? No, I mean the posh one with the fancy name. Carmen?”

  “Nothing happened.” The words left her in a rush, and she couldn’t meet his gaze. An instant later, she knew she was busted.

  Damian sat back and folded his arms across his chest. “What have you done?”
/>
  She glared at him, her defensiveness on the rise. “What do you mean? I haven’t done anything.”

  “Nah, you’re hiding something. Oh jeez, you didn’t sleep with her, did you?”

  “No!”

  “But you want to.”

  Her life would be so much easier if he couldn’t read her like a bloody book. She huffed out a breath, knowing there was no use in pretending any longer. “I kissed her. Yesterday.”

  “Oh for fuck’s sake.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I thought you said there wasn’t going to be anything silly going on. I thought you said she wouldn’t become another Vikki. I mean, this Carmen chick is straight, right? And what did you say about straight women?”

  “That I’d never get involved with one again.” She mumbled the words into her chest, her head hung low in defeat.

  “Exactly! Look, I’m not trying to tell you how to run your life, but you did make me promise, way back when, to tell you if I ever thought you were doing something dumb again, right?”

  “I did.”

  “And here we are.” His voice was gruff.

  “I know.”

  “So?”

  She looked up at him, saw the concern etched across his face. “This is a little different, I think. She said she has feelings for me, that it’s not just some straight woman curiosity thing.”

  “And you believe her?”

  “Yeah, actually, I do.”

  He watched her for a moment, his teeth worrying at his bottom lip. “Watch out for yourself, all right? You were a mess after Vikki. I’d hate to see you that way again.”

  “You’re not the only one,” she muttered and reached for the remains of her tea.

  Chapter 29

  Ash locked up the studio at three on Tuesday, pleased with her progress. Since yesterday she’d managed a deep clean of the entire studio, sorted out the stock room, and completed the two small repairs she’d needed to make to the front desk and one of the sofas. She’d also managed—mostly—not to think about what was or wasn’t happening between her and Carmen.