The Dog Stole My Brain

by Katherine Horneshaw

  Dad will be home soon. What will he think of this mess? I try to grab the sponge from the sink but my paws can’t handle it properly.

  Barney has found the barbeque chips. My favourite, so they’re his favourite, too. He claws at the packet for a while, unable to figure out how to clasp his new fingers together and pinch it open. I never thought about how complicated it is just getting yourself some food. He frowns when he realises he’s not going to get the chips out this way. Then his eyes light up. ‘I know!’ he hollers. He puts the chip packet on the bench, lifts his hand high above his head …

  Barney, no! I order. Usually he obeys that tone of voice. What tone? All that comes out is a lower, more serious bark. Barney ignores it. His hand comes down full pelt onto the chip packet. Barbeque thins burst out and spray across the kitchen. Barney grabs the chips, stuffing as many as possible into his mouth.

  ‘Wow!’ he screams in delight. ‘They taste even better with a human tongue!’

  Then he does the most disgusting thing yet. He kneels down and starts licking the chips off the floor.

  He’s gonna give my body salmonella poisoning or something. I’ve got to figure out a way to distract him before he makes an even more ginormous mess. But what can I … I know! Barney loves baths. A lot of dogs don’t like them, but when Barney sees us heading to the backyard with a bucket and his brush, he’s ecstatic. How can I get some water? The shower? The sink? The washing bucket! Mum might have something soaking in there. Barney’s discovered the fridge. Better be quick.

  I trot to the laundry and nose open the door. This takes a while, but eventually I figure out how to push with the side of my snout so I don’t hurt myself. Thank God, the bucket’s there. Now, how to get it to Barney? I bet I could stick my head under the handle and carry it with my neck. I’d better hurry – Barney is making a loud squelching noise in the kitchen.

  I push my head under the handle … Easy, Jake … Nice and slow … Uh oh. My head has got stuck halfway through. That’s okay. I’ll just squeeze it back out … Swoosh! Oh crap, water is everywhere. I’m soaked! And what’s that I can feel hanging over my tail? I look back, and flapping around at the end of my tail is a pair of Mum’s undies. GROSS!

  Barney rushes in with yoghurt all over his face. ‘Ha ha! You are the funniest, Jake. I never thought to do something that clever when I was in my dog body. That’ll get Mum’s attention for sure!’ He turns around and heads back to the fridge. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s find some meat. We can share.’

  I’m out of ideas. I flick the undies from my tail. Then I shake off as much sudsy water as I can, and follow Barney to the kitchen.

  I don’t know whether to be glad or not when I see he’s already learning how to use his hands.

  ‘This doesn’t smell as good as usual but it’s so beautiful,’ he murmurs as he peels away the Glad Wrap covering last night’s leftover roast.

  Suddenly my nose is filled with a familiar smell. Only much, much stronger. It’s … Dad.

  4

  Being in Jake’s body is even more fun than I thought. Human hands are awesome. I use them to pick up the cold roast lamb, bring it to my face and give it a good sniff. Hmmm. It doesn’t smell as delicious as it did with my dog nose. I’ll have a taste anyway. It’s kind of hard to tear the meat from the bone with these titchy boy teeth. But I’m happy, happy, HAPPY because I can eat all the meat I want, not just tiny morsels that Jake happens to toss my way.

  Jake! I was enjoying the lamb so much I forgot about him. ‘Here you are!’ I bite off the biggest piece I can and spit it on the floor for him.

  He doesn’t lunge for it like I would. His tail’s not even wagging. He looks up at me with liquidy dog eyes and whines. I try to guess what might be wrong.

  ‘Do you want something different?’ I ask him. ‘I could try making microwave popcorn. I know! How about some Coke? You love that stuff.’

  Hey! Maybe I’ll love it too, now that I’m a boy. I yank open the fridge. There it is, behind a container of gherkins. I fling that onto the floor to get it out of the way. I could never have done that with paws. I can’t wait to taste Jake’s favourite drink.

  Jake is whining very loudly now.

  ‘Don’t worry, boy. I’ll put some in your bowl.’

  I try to pour some, but Jake grabs my wrist firmly in his mouth and shakes it, then he points his snout at the gherkins and the beetroot on the floor.

  ‘What is it?’ I ask. ‘Isn’t it crap how humans can’t understand you when you’re a dog? Do you wanna play? Is that it? How about I find your cricket bat and we can …’

  The door opens.

  ‘Dad! I didn’t smell you coming up the driveway!’ I run over to him and I’m about to leap up on him like I usually do, but realise that won’t work because I’m already standing on two legs. So I throw my human arms around him and clasp him tight. ‘I’m so glad to see you, Dad! I love it when you come home!’

  ‘Huh? What’s up with you?’

  Dad hardly hugs me.

  ‘What’s going on in here? I’ve never seen such a mess.’

  Oh no. He’s angry with me.

  ‘I’m sorry, Dad. I love you, Dad. I forgot how much humans hate mess.’

  ‘What?’

  I let go of him and explain. ‘I … I was playing with … with the dog.’

  Jake gives a sharp yelp. Dad shakes his head and says, ‘I thought when your mother and I agreed you didn’t have to go to after-school care anymore, you’d be more responsible.’

  ‘Sorry … Jake and I … I mean Barney and I were just having so much fun with the food. I’ll clean it up right away.’

  Usually I’d lick him till he started to smile, but that’s not what humans do to make each other happy. I know! ‘You sit down on the couch, Dad. I’ll get you a beer. You like it when Mum does that.’

  ‘Jake, are you all right?’

  ‘Sure I am. I promise to be good now. So you stop being upset with me, OK?’

  He gives me a funny look. Then he says in his ordering-around voice, ‘Just clean up this mess.’ He walks into the lounge room to sit down on the couch. I open the fridge and grab a beer bottle from where I saw them before, making sure I don’t disturb anything else.

  ‘Here you go, Dad!’

  ‘I shouldn’t have one on a weeknight. But … twist my arm, Jake-o.’

  I’m not sure why he wants me to do that, but I’m glad he’s being nice again. I lean over and twist his arm.

  ‘Ouch! Very funny, Jake.’

  He thinks I’m very funny. Fantastic!

  I set the plastic gherkin container in the middle of the floor, then I start picking up the pickles and tossing them in. Most of them miss, but I just grab them and toss them in again.

  ‘Jake,’ says Dad, ‘that’s enough being silly.’

  Aren’t I supposed to have fun with my new hands? I put the next gherkin in very carefully.

  ‘Jake, the three-second rule has well and truly passed with those!’

  Where have I heard that before? Oh, yeah. Humans don’t eat food off the floor. I throw the gherkins and beetroot and a lot of yummy chips towards the dog bowl, for Jake. And I manage to get the chips on the bench top into one of the plastic bags Mum uses. It takes me a while, but I even work out how to close the seal.

  ‘Come on, Barney, get over here and have a pat,’ Dad says to Jake. Jake doesn’t move.

  I wish I could snuggle up to Dad instead of wiping sticky gunk off the floor. No wonder humans complain about cleaning up. It’s taking forever.

  I do like these sharp human eyes, though. I can see into the lounge room very clearly from the kitchen. Jake hasn’t jumped up and run over to Dad like I would have. He’s still in a corner, the same place I go when I’m feeling sulky. He stays there, looking at Dad.

  ‘Come on, boy,’ Dad coaxes. ‘Don’t tell me you’ve gone all weird on me as well.’

  Jake slowly walks over and climbs onto the couch. Dad doesn’t give him a nice scratch, though.
Instead he scrunches up his nose and uses his disgusted voice to ask me, ‘Remember all those promises you made when we agreed to get you a dog?’

  ‘Uh …’ I’m not sure how I should answer.

  Dad notices my confused expression. ‘Does keeping your pet from smelling like a rotten chicken sandwich ring a bell?’

  ‘Oh, you mean I should give him a wash?’

  Before Dad can answer, Jake goes, ‘Phuuuuft’.

  Why’d he make that sound? Oh, I know, it came out of his bottom, not his mouth. I laugh, like Jake used to when he was in his boy body.

  ‘That’s the last straw!’ Dad pushes Jake off the couch.

  Uh, oh. He’s mad again. What can I do to make him happy?

  I have a great idea. ‘Dad!’ I shout. ‘Let’s take him to the dog wash. That’s even more fun than a wash with the bucket.’

  Jake starts barking wildly.

  ‘See? He really wants to go!’

  Dad doesn’t look convinced.

  ‘Please,’ I beg. ‘He loves how the suds feel on his fur. It’ll stop him itching, and he’ll get to sniff other dogs and bark at their owners, and … and we’ll get to go in the car and he can stick his head out the window and that’s his favourite thing …’

  ‘All right, all right,’ Dad interrupts. ‘You sure know a lot about your dog all of a sudden. But your mum did ring to say she’s running late at work. She wants us to get Chinese for tea. I guess we can stop at the dog wash on the way.’

  Jake is still barking like crazy.

  ‘No need to thank me.’ I pat him on the head. ‘I like making you happy!’

  I’m already pretty good at being a dog owner.

  5

  Barney, Dad, no! I’m barking so loud my throat is burning. The last place in the universe I want to go is the dog wash! Don’t you know who just took it over? Skye’s mother, that’s who. Skye’s been bragging about it all week.

  ‘Barney,’ Dad commands, ‘calm down. You’ve got your way.’

  My way? I never realised humans were so stupid. Can’t you tell the difference between an excited bark and an I’d-rather-stab-myself-in-the-snout bark?

  ‘Come on, boy.’ Barney has grabbed my collar and is yanking me toward the door. I peer up at him and do my best attempt at a pleading-not-to-go look, but my dog-face skills are obviously not up to scratch because he just marches along with an enormous grin.

  As I get shoved into the back seat, Barney chatters like a maniac. ‘Cool. I get to ride in the front. I can see forwards and beside me from here. I wonder if this window opens?’

  Maybe Skye won’t be there. Just because her mum owns a dog wash doesn’t mean the daughter will automatically be there.

  ‘This body is so much fun!’ Barney exclaims. He’s jerking back and forth dementedly, delighting in the way the corners throw him around. ‘Have a go, Dad!’

  He doesn’t get a response. Dad is distracted by a motorcyclist swerving in front of him.

  What’ll happen if Skye is at the dog wash? I don’t want to find out. I have to get out of here. We’ve stopped at a red light. Frantically I try nudging the door handle, but it won’t budge. I need my hands back, you stupid dog.

  Barney has stuck his head out the window and is beaming, mouth open, at a lady stopped next to us. ‘Hey, you!’ he hollers. ‘Dad is taking us to the dog wash. And then we’re getting Chinese and I’m gonna have a go at eating with those sticks. You wanna come with us?’

  ‘Jake!’ Now Dad has noticed Barney. He leans over, grabs him by the arm and pulls him back into his seat. ‘Have you lost your mind?’

  No, I answer at top volume, I haven’t lost it. THE DOG STOLE IT!

  ‘Barney! Stop barking. Sit.’ Dad’s super aggro now. ‘You two are driving me insane! Stop behaving like maniacs before you make me have an accident.’

  ‘Don’t be mad, Dad,’ Barney blathers. ‘If you don’t want that lady to come with us, that’s okay. It’s just that lots of times I see nice people and I want to play with them, but I’ve never been able to ask them before.’

  ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘I like heaps of people. I always try to speak to them but, up till now, hardly anybody understood me.’

  As Dad pulls away from the lights, he gives Barney a rather frightened look. Barney must have picked up on it because he says, ‘Don’t worry. You and Mum and J … Barney, you’re the ones I really love.’

  Oh, God. I’ll pretend I’m not here. I’m far, far away. Like in a nice cosy crater on the moon.

  Dad thinks for a minute and then says, ‘It’s only two years now till you’re a teenager.’

  ‘I … I guess so.’ Barney looks confused.

  ‘I thought by this time you’d be wanting to talk to me less, not more.’

  ‘Why wouldn’t I talk? Talking is the best. And of course I want to talk to you, Dad. Because I love you so much. You’re the best dad in the world.’ He leans over and plants a slobbery smacker on Dad’s cheek.

  The moon is not far enough. Maybe I could be the first person to set up home on Jupiter.

  ‘Well …’ Now Dad sounds less confused. And shy. But he’s smiling. ‘I love you too, Jake.’

  Dad pulls into a parking lot. The smell of wet dog overwhelms my nostrils.

  I’ve got my eyes glued to Barney’s door. As soon as he opens it, I’m gonna bolt. My muscles are tensed, ready to spring over the seat …

  ‘Put the lead on him before you open your door, just in case,’ Dad instructs Barney.

  Great. It’s the new lead made of unbreakable material. I nagged Mum to buy it when we were in the pet shop getting the cans of Scientific Pet Food that are supposed to stop dogs farting. Just my luck – the diet doesn’t work but the lead does.

  Barney drags me into the office. ‘My dog needs a real good wash,’ he jabbers to the woman behind the counter. ‘Make sure you spray him hard and make lots of bubbles.’

  ‘Will do, love,’ chirps the woman. She’s huge and she’s got a lot of make-up on and I can smell her Juicy Fruit gum. The same sort Skye chews.

  ‘Would it be okay,’ she goes on, ‘if my daughter does the washing tonight? She’s young but she’s good. She’s my apprentice.’

  No. Please. I’ll stand under the backyard hose for an hour, just take me home.

  ‘Sure!’ Barney shouts over my barking. ‘We don’t care how old the washer is, as long as she can reach the itchy bits.’

  The woman smiles fondly. And calls out, ‘Skye, you’ve got a customer!’

  Skye appears through a door behind the counter. She looks at me. She looks at Barney. She gasps.

  ‘What’s up?’ her mum asks.

  ‘Nothing. It’s okay.’ She takes the lead from Barney. ‘Come on, boy.’

  No! I’m not going with you. No way you’re getting your hands on my itchy bits.

  I pull as hard as I can on the lead. But now that I’m a dog, Skye is even bigger than before. She has no trouble dragging me toward the sign marked ‘Washing Room’.

  Just before she opens the door to my nightmare, she turns to Barney and asks sweetly, ‘Looking forward to your surprise tomorrow?’

  ‘Surprise? Yeah. I love surprises. One time I was digging in the garden and I found a bone I’d forgotten about; and it was my biggest one!’

  Skye’s mum and my dad exchange bewildered looks. Skye is beaming.

  I’ve stopped barking. I’m too frozen-up inside to speak, because I have just realised something. I won’t be going to school tomorrow. But Barney will. IN MY BODY!

  6

  How come Jake doesn’t like school? I think it’s great. I get to sit next to Jake’s friend, Chris. And he’s my friend, too. When I was a dog, he never got sick of throwing the ball for me like Jake does.

  Chris and I walked to school together. He thought it was hilarious when I couldn’t resist chasing a very annoying white cat.

  When we get past the front gates, we only have to stay out in the yard for a little w
hile before going inside. That reminds me – I hope Jake’s okay. I had to leave him in the front yard because that’s where dogs stay during the day, but I’m becoming a very good owner because I secretly buried two bones for him to find.

  We’re in a room that’s much bigger than any of the rooms at home. Chris and I are sitting at a table with some other kids. ‘Hey, Chris,’ I say, ‘why isn’t there any food on these tables? When everyone sits down together at home, there’s always yummy stuff to eat.’

  ‘Ha ha, you’re cracking me up today, Jake!’

  I love it when Chris cracks up. We get to laugh a lot when that happens.

  ‘See that lady?’ I ask Chris, pointing to the desk at the front of the room. ‘She’s nice. She’s so scented with flowers that even a human can smell her.’

  Now everyone at our table laughs. Except for a girl with serious eyes and a bossy voice. ‘You guys haven’t written a single idea. You’re supposed to have five dot points by now.’

  Chris starts to write. I’ve seen my humans do that. How hard can it be? I pick up a pen, open my exercise book and try to write two of my favourite words, Good Boy. The pen wobbles across the paper and skids off on to the table top.

  ‘What are you doing?’ Chris giggles.

  ‘Okay, class, you’ve had plenty of time.’ The flower lady is standing. ‘Do we have a volunteer?’

  ‘Jake.’ Chris says. ‘Pick Jake. He’s got heaps of good ideas today.’

  ‘Jake? Would you like to tell your story?’

  ‘Does that mean I get to talk to everyone?’

  ‘What do you think?’

  I’m pretty sure that means yes. ‘Well …’ I start.

  ‘Come to the front, Jake. You know the rules.’

  I obey the nice lady and dash up to the front. Kids from all the other tables are laughing now.

  Everyone’s looking at me. Great. I’ve never had so much attention in my life. What should I do? I clap loudly with my human hands. Wait! I’ve got a better idea. I’ll sing like Mum does after she has that bubbly drink that isn’t Coke. ‘Ooooohh, aaaaaahhhhh …’