Last Goodbye

by Holly C. Webb

  “I think so,” I said as I snuggled into his arms. “I’m sorry that I’ve put you through all of this. I can only imagine how scared you must have been.”

  “You have no idea,” He sighed, kissing my head once more. “I kept telling myself that you were going to be okay, but there was a part of me…”

  He stopped and I knew he was upset. I instinctively hugged him tighter.

  “Cass, I thought I’d lost you,” he whispered, and I knew he was crying. “You were so weak, and for the first couple of days, nothing seemed to help. I’ve never felt more useless or terrified in my entire life.”

  “You haven’t lost me, Evan,” I breathed out softly. “I promise you; I will never stop fighting. I will fight for both of us.”

  “Thank you, Cassie,” he whispered as I looked up into his eyes. I reached up and softly brushed away his tears with the tips of my fingers.

  “Now,” I said, giving him a shy smile. “Shut up and kiss me.”

  “Yes, Ma’am,” Evan replied with a broad smile, before his lips claimed mine, as he wrapped his arms around me tighter.

  I lay there in the darkness of my room. Both Evan and my Dad were fast asleep on either side of my bed. I knew I was supposed to be sleeping too, but my mind was working overtime and sleep just refused to come.

  It was eight weeks now since this nightmare had started, yet it seemed like a lifetime ago now. It was hard to remember a time that I wasn’t sick.

  I thought back to my last week at college. I knew back then something was wrong, but I never in a million years imagined it was something as awful as this. All I was worried about back then was my finals. I would have given anything to go back to that moment in my life, and for that to be the only worry I now had.

  I thought about Flick; I could still see her lying on her floor, with her legs in the air, because she thought it would help her brain remember better for her exams. There wasn’t a day that girl didn’t make me smile.

  In just a couple of weeks, she would be heading back to UCLA to college, and she was still expecting me to be returning there too. I knew I would have to tell her the truth now. I would have to admit I wasn’t going back to college, at least not any time soon. But still, I was back in LA. She would be able to come visit me from time to time once she got back to college, if she had the time.

  I missed her. I missed her laughter and her carefree ways. I missed who I was when I was with her. But most of all, I missed my life.

  I glanced over at Evan and wondered what it would have been like if he hadn’t have come back. If I was lying here with just my dad at my side. Would I have been brave enough to fight this thing without him? Somehow, I doubted it.

  It wasn’t that I didn’t love my father; I did, so very much. And I was so afraid of what was going to happen to him if I didn’t make it. But Evan was my reason to keep fighting. He had been my laughter on my dark days, when I didn’t even want to smile. He’d been my strength on days when I wasn’t sure I was able to keep going. And he was my hope. Even when I had very little hope left inside me. He was always there to push me, always there to keep me fighting.

  But as I watched him sleeping so restless in the armchair next to my bed; his face filled with so much sadness and worry, I wondered if now he had lost his hope. If he was giving up on me.

  And if he had, I didn’t know how I was going to help him find that hope again.

  Then suddenly, for the briefest moment, a thought crossed into my mind. Maybe it was time for me to let him go. Maybe it would be easier for him if I said goodbye now, instead of waiting for the time when he would have to say goodbye to me and let me go forever.

  As I lay there, watching him sleep, my heart broken as tears suddenly began to trickle down my face. What if we did have to say goodbye. What if I couldn’t beat this, and Evan had to carry on without me. What would happen once we said our last goodbye?

  I closed my eyes, unable to allow myself to imagine what would come after that. For me, it was simple, if I died, it was over. But for Evan, how would he get over this? It was just too hard to imagine, so I tried to push the thoughts from my head. Instead I turned my face into my pillow and silently cried. I wasn’t ready to die yet. There was still so much I wanted to do with my life. So much I wanted to see.

  I wanted to go back to our beach with Evan. I wanted to sit in the sand with him and watch the waves crash onto the sand. I wanted to be happy again, and I wanted to live.

  I drifted off into to dreamless sleep, unable to fight the exhaustion any longer.

  Chapter 19

  Cassie

  It was almost a week since I woke up in the hospital back in L.A, and the doctors were hoping to start my new treatment in the next few days. To say part of me was dreading it, was an understatement, but I knew that it was a means to an end, so I had little choice in the matter.

  Still, it was an emotionally and physically draining week, so I was ready to get things moving so I could put this whole nightmare behind me. Or at least try to.

  The doctors were more than happy with how well I was reacting to the medication now after a slow start, and finally the pneumonia had almost gone, and I was nearly back to my old self. Or as back to myself as I could be considering I still had this damn disease working its way through my body.

  But as usual, with every positive, there was also a negative and that negative was, Dad and Evan were both tested, as was Evan’s entire family to be a bone marrow donor, but sadly, no one was even close to being a match to me. So that meant I was now on the donor waiting list.

  The hardest part of all of this was watching what it was doing to those that I loved the most.

  Evan didn’t seem to smile as much as he used to, and he had been far quieter than I had ever known him to be. I tried several times to reach out to him, but each time, he assured me that he was doing just fine; that he just wanted me better and back home.

  Then there was how Dad was coping. He seems to have aged almost overnight. His beard was now going grey, and his sideburns were now a salt and pepper colour and I knew it was because of all the worry he was doing about me.

  If I was honest, it actually made him look even more handsome for a man of his age, but it was still hard to see the effect my illness was having on him

  Not that he was old. He was still only forty-two, and handsome in a distinguished kind of way. But it didn’t change the fact he looked sad all the time. And as much as I tried not to blame myself, I knew it was my fault. Just like I knew that it was the price you pay when you love someone so deeply.

  That being said, despite how much I loved them both, after two days of Dad and Evan constantly staring at me; jumping attentively every time I so much as moved, I was ready to lose my mind. By some miracle, I manage to convince my dad to go back to Santa Barbara and back to work. Telling him I would ring him several times a day to keep him posted until he was able to come back at the weekend.

  Mike had a friend that lived in L.A, who had offered Evan somewhere to crash while I was in the hospital, but so far, Evan had refused to leave me. He spent every day sitting by my side, and every night asleep in the chair next to me.

  That was, until today. I had somehow managed to get him to agree to make the ninety-minute drive back to Santa Barbara to pick up some bits and pieces for me, including my camera and my laptop, and some clean clothes for himself. I knew when he was leaving that he was less than happy about leaving me alone, but if I was honest, I was actually looking forward to the few hours of peace and quiet.

  I didn’t really know why I wanted my camera, I’d just gotten it into my head that morning that I wanted to go through all the photos we’d taken while we were at the beach, which seemed like a lifetime ago now. I guess I just longed for some kind of normality; and messing around with my camera and my photos was normality for me.

  Evan was gone a little over an hour, and I was snuggled down in my bed, reading one of the books Dad had picked for me from the gift shop when there wa
s a soft tap on the door.

  I set the book down and looked up, surprised to find Clare standing there.

  “Hey!” I said, pushing myself up in bed properly, giving her a big smile. She’d been here earlier in the week, so I wasn’t expecting her today, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t actually happy to see her. I was.

  “Hey, Sweetie,” she said as she came further into the room, making her way up to the bed. When she reached me, she kissed me on the forehead before she sat down in the chair next to the bed. As she smiled, she took in every inch of me, and I knew she was pleased with how I was looking now compared to the last time she was here. “You look so much better than you did the other day when we were all here. You never fail to astound me just how much of a fighter you really are, Cassie. You’re such an amazing girl.”

  “I don’t think I have much of a choice,” I replied, giving her a grateful smile. “But I do feel better. I’m ready to start this treatment, and maybe then get my life back to something that resembles normality.”

  “I can only imagine how you must feel, Sweetheart,” Clare replied, but the look in her eyes said there was something else she wasn’t saying. Something that she needed to say, but just couldn’t seem to find the words.

  “Is everything okay, Clare?” I asked, deciding not to beat about the bush. “Is…is there something wrong? It’s not my Dad is it? He’s okay, right?”

  “Oh my God, yes, Sweetheart,” she replied, reaching for my hand. “Your father is fine. Well, as fine as he can be giving everything, I guess.”

  “But something is wrong,” I said, my mind now racing with what the hell could be wrong with her. “Is… is it Evan?”

  “No!” She exclaimed, with a nervous laugh, and I knew she realised she couldn’t put off the inevitable any longer. “It’s just, I was talking to your father last night and he was a little upset. He is worried about this donor thing.”

  “I don’t know why he is so worried,” I sighed, pretty sure I knew where this conversation was going. “The doctor said that they can use a donor who isn’t a full match if we need to. Besides, they haven’t even started the preparation treatment yet. I still have a couple of weeks at least before a donor is even needed.”

  “I know, and I’ve told him that,” Clare said, nodding her head, but I knew she wasn’t done yet.

  “But?” I asked, knowing that there was one coming.

  “But,” she sighed, giving me a nervous smile. “Will said there is one other option that you won’t even consider. He said you’re refusing to contact your mom to ask her to be tested to see if she could be a match.”

  “And why would I do that?” I asked, feeling a little defensive. “Clare, she didn’t want me. She didn’t want my dad. She walked away and didn’t care that I was just a little girl.”

  “I know, Sweetheart,” Clare replied, giving me a sad smile. “And I know you have every right to be angry with her. But she could be your best chance to beat this thing. Why would you throw that away just because you think you have to prove something to her?”

  “I’m not proving anything to her, because she means nothing to me,” I sighed, hating that I was having this discussion yet again. “I just don’t need her turning up here with her fake tears and a shiny bike, just like when I was twelve. I didn’t need her then, and I don’t need her now.”

  I’d had this conversation with Dad so many times this week, I’d actually lost count. He was adamant that he wanted to contact her and ask her to consent to being tested as a donor, but I refused to back down.

  She walked away from me once in my life. I was not giving her a chance to ever do it again. Nor was she coming into my life, doing this thing that would mean I owed her something.

  I owed her nothing, and I would never allow her to assume that I did.

  “But, Cassie,” Clare said, giving me a pleading look. “Letting her help you doesn’t mean letting her back into your life.”

  “Doesn’t it?” I asked, giving her a questioning look. “Do you really think if I let her do this, that she isn’t going to come in here, acting like mother of the year? It’s hard enough trying to hold my dad and Evan together. I have nothing left inside to give to her. I don’t want her help.”

  “But this could be your best chance, Cassie,” Clare sighed, giving me a pleading look. “We all just want you home and better. Can’t you even think about it? I just think refusing to let her help feels more like you’re punishing yourself more than you’re punishing her.”

  “There’s nothing to think about,” I sighed, wishing they could just see things how I do. Okay, she could be the perfect match, but she might not be. Then I will have let her back into my life for nothing. It just wasn’t happening.

  “But…” Clare went to argue, but I quickly stopped her.

  “But nothing, Clare,” I sighed, then gave her a smile before I continued. “I love you so much. In every way that matters you’re my mom and there is nothing I wouldn’t do for you. But I can’t do this, and I am done talking about it.”

  “Okay,” Clare nodded, then gave me a sad smile. “And while I may not agree, I actually do understand. But I just needed to ask. You get that, right?”

  “I know you did,” I smiled once more. “And I love you for coming here to even try. Now, tell me something that I don’t know. What’s going on back home? What am I missing?”

  “Well,” Clare said, giving me a bright smile, but I knew deep down she still wasn’t happy about my decision. “I think Riley has a new girlfriend.”

  And just like that, the subject of my mother was forgotten about.

  I was woken by a pair of familiar lips pressed against mine as the smell of Evan’s aftershave tickled my nose and instantly, I smiled, before I even opened my eyes.

  “I could get used to being woken up like that,” I sighed contentedly as I opened my eyes, and was greeted with a big smile from Evan.

  “I would happily wake you like that, every day for the rest of my life,” Evan replied, giving me another beautiful smile.

  “Is that an offer?” I asked, with a giggle and I reached up and pulled him down to the bed. “Because if it were, I might have a counteroffer that was somewhat indecent.”

  “Oh, do you now?” He laughed as he lay down next to me on the bed.

  “I’m sorry I fell asleep on you,” I yawned as I looked up into his beautiful eyes. He’d arrived back from Santa Barbara a few hours earlier with all my stuff, including my camera and laptop. We’d spent a couple of hours going through the photos I’d taken on the beach, and while I’d enjoyed it, part of me felt sad. I had only managed to get a couple of photos of Evan and I together, but in the ones I did get. I looked happy. I wondered if I would ever get to feel that happy again. Would I ever get to go back to that beach? “I’m not very good company lately, am I?”

  “You are the only one I want to be with right now,” he smiled, as he cupped the back of my neck with his hand, drawing me closer to him before he kissed me deeply.

  “Do you think they’d notice if I snuck out of here for a night?” I asked as he finally pulled back his lips from mine. “We could go somewhere, just for the night. Would that be such a bad thing?”

  “It would be amazing,” he said, kissing me softly once more. “But right now, you’re where you need to be. When this is all over, I will take you back to our beach, just you and I, and we can shut the rest of the world out.”

  “I wish I was at our beach right now,” I said, as a wave of sadness wrapped itself around my heart once more. As much as I try my hardest to remain positive, there was still a part of me that wanted to run and hide from this stupid disease. And when that part found its way to the surface, it was everything I could do not to fall apart. “I wish I was a million miles away from here right now.”

  “I wish we were there too,” he said, pressing his head against my forehead. “I wished I could lose myself in your body once more. Just like we did at the beach. Do you remember that morning in t
he shower?”

  “Umhmm,” I sighed, as the memory of Evan making love to me in the shower at the beach house filled my mind, as my heart raced, and my body became consumed with longing.

  Evan moved slightly, and I gasped as I felt his arousal pressed up against my hip. I could feel just how much he wanted me too.

  “Do you think that we could lock the door?” I whispered as I lifted my head from my pillow and ran the tip of my tongue along Evan’s bottom lip. I already knew the answer to my question. I hated that this was my life now. “I mean, if we were really quick…”

  “Cassidy North,” he gasped, giving me a shocked look, but then he smiled and rolled his hips, rolling his erection into me once more, breathing against my lips. “You are just a bad influence.”

  Before I could answer, he kissed me hard once more, as longing course through my body. I wanted him to make love to me so badly, I almost couldn’t breathe.

  “Evan,” I gasped, knowing we needed to stop, but everything inside me longed for him. “I want you.”

  He kissed me once more, pouring everything he was feeling into it, before he finally pulled back, then groaned as he dropped his head down next to me on the bed.

  “GAH!” He cried out. “This is so hard. Being so close to you, but not being able to touch you the way I want to. I want to see your beautiful body arch up from the bed once more as I make love to you. I want to hear you cry out my name as I bring you to the edge, and make you fall apart.”

  He pushed up from the bed, and blew out a sharp breath, as he turned and walked to the window.

  I didn’t know why, but I suddenly wanted to cry. I hated feeling like I was somehow letting Evan down. I opened my mouth to say something, but I stopped myself, knowing that there was nothing I could say to make this whole situation any easier. I just felt so defeated.

  Evan finally turned back to speak to me, before he could say a word, the door to my room opened and the night nurse came in to do my final vitals check for the evening.